jmargel Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 How do you resolve issues when one person wants something a particular way, and one wants another? My fiancee believes this is 'her' day, which I think it's 'ours'. I want her to feel special but we are mainly disagreeing over the song she walks down the aisle to. Now granted she is letting me choose the song we dance to after the ceromony, but the song she wants is very upbeat, almost like a dance song. I'd prefer something slow. There are thousands of songs in this world but she said she 'loves' this song and this is what she truly wants. Do I just let her have it? I mean the whole rest of the wedding she planned and I haven't said hardly anything. She can be very stubborn and thinks that if I love her as much as I say I do that I should try to please her. I know couples have differences when it comes to things but basically what I am looking for is a set of guides which basically tell me what battles I should choose and how far I should pursue them. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 She can be very stubborn and thinks that if I love her as much as I say I do that I should try to please her. Surely this has to work both ways? Marriage or living together has got to be all about compromise - I think it's a rare thing indeed for two people too agree on everything, but if you can't find a happy middle ground then you'll be battling all the time. The song business sounds trivial but it is often the trivial things which can lead to big blow ups. 5 years ago my partner and I gutted the house we're living in and embarked on a total renovation. There was plenty of room for disagreement here - this colour, that colour, that bit of furniture, that floor covering, etc......... We both decided that we each had a veto - that is if one of us was dead set against something, it wouldn't happen. We had to force ourselves to reach compromises on several areas, but at the same time there were exclusive things for each of us - for instance my study was done how I wanted it and with no interference. If she's planned almost the entire wedding and you are really set against this song then I think she should compromise. There must be songs that you BOTH like and are appropriate for the occassion ( personally I think an upbeat dance song wouldn't be appropriate for the church(?), but that's just me ). Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 26, 2004 Author Share Posted April 26, 2004 That's the problem it sounds so trival, yet it seems to be such a big issue with us. The wedding is going to be at a country club, so it's not at a church. She says she wants it to be fun and would like to surprise some people. I would really like to have a different type of song but is it really worth to continue to have the same arguement over & over? She said she wants something to reflect her personality. I don't want to deny her that, it's just the music for it isn't really appropirate for a wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Okay...can't sit on my fingers any longer! I'm dying to ask: "What's the song?" Is it really that gawd-awful? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Never underestimate the potential for the trivial to become the ultimate. It sounds trivial but if it's really bothering you ( which it sounds like it is ) then it's not that trivial a matter. The wedding should be about the BOTH of you - not just her personality. And quite frankly I think this desire to surprise people is somewhat childish ( no offence intended ). Explain to her that you want to remember the wedding as an important ceremony which affirmed your love for each other in front of your peers and family. You DON'T want to remember it because of a funky song she wanted to play to "shock" some people - and what does she intend to do? Dance down the aisle? There is plenty of scope to show her personality in other ways and it sounds like she had plenty of opportunity to do just that if she has be in charge of planning most of the wedding. She should consider herself lucky that her man cares enough to get involved - most blokes would sit back and go for the ride What if you give her the first dance song and you pick the aisle song? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 hey! come to think of it - what is the song? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 26, 2004 Author Share Posted April 26, 2004 You are absolutely right. I just wish she would see things that way. Lately she's been very hard on me and I've been on the defensive quite a bit. I called a councilor this afternoon and hopefully we can get in this week or next. She thinks a man should just sit back and not do anything regarding the wedding. And I told her the type that doesn't want to get involved are the ones that don't truly care. But she's had a bad past in terms of the guys in her life, including her dad. That's the way she was brought up I guess. The song was 'Waiting for tonight' by Jennifer Lopez, but now she says she is thinking of another song (forget the name) but it's the same tempo & beat. It just doesn't have words, it just intrumental. It's not just the song, but what it all represents. She is basing how much I love her by letting her do what she wants. And I do see alot of immaturity in her in that respect. Thing is, she never acted like this before. Alot of issues are going on in her life which I think are playing a part in this. I just wish someone would 'wake her up' some. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 how about for the first dance song you choose some head-banger-heavy-metal-number with plenty of 4 letter words & insist that she dance to it in her wedding dress !! Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 let her do her thing...do your groom stuff, what ever you want with the groomsmen-if you have any....you got one song....let her have the rest. No matter what any bride says, weddings are prime ops to express themselves, you two's love and to be the queen of the day...yeah it is about you two....but it is also about impressing friends and family, sometimes even showing off. so this is no simple event. just let her have it on the honeymoon! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 26, 2004 Author Share Posted April 26, 2004 So I should be happy that I got at least one song? Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 yeah pretty much! did you get to pick what you are wearing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 26, 2004 Author Share Posted April 26, 2004 Well she said that was up to me but she would 'like' me to have what she thinks is nice. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel So I should be happy that I got at least one song? Yes, I don't want to sound snotty, but have you dreamed of your wedding since you were a kid? Did you dress up wear cutrains on your hair or use your dads tie as a cumberbun and play groom? Are you the one walking down the isle, or standing at the alter? Traditionally, weddings are the brides domain. I think its great that you want to share and have ideas of your own, but let her have the last word on the decisions for the wedding. Yes, the day belongs to both of you, but the ceremony is hers. Let her have fun. So many wedding are 100% serious - yours sounds like it will begin with fun and be lively and what a great way to begin a marriage! Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but that is what seems right to me. Don't read too much into it for your future either. Cherish her and love her and let her enjoy the day she's been dreaming about. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel Well she said that was up to me but she would 'like' me to have what she thinks is nice. exactly....just do or go along withthings that she likes...unless it is just totally terrible and you couldn't live it. it doesn't seem like you would mind to let her do her thing, but want her to realize that this is a "we" thing as you two are getting married, but like i said before..weddings do not just symbolized marriage...to a bride it is a lot more than that. as a rational person, you can see it is just fluff....but as a bride, it is everything...until its over then you are like that was it? (The whole wedding i mean). she should return to her normal state of sanity after this day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 26, 2004 Author Share Posted April 26, 2004 Well then maybe I was wrong. Just weird that the other male poster on here agreed with me. What if the song is not even remotely what I wanted? I mean, listen to the song and tell me if you wouldn't be embrassed by that. She does have very good taste and she is very fashionable. But I thought she would have chosen at least a slower song. Anyway, like you said, I'll tell her she has the last word in it. I'm not a woman so I don't know this stuff, glad you posted. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 its not even that she doesn't like other songs...maybe she wants to make a statement with it...it is all a statement to an extent, the dress she picks, her hair, the shoes...she could go traditioanl or very modern, eclectic...whatever impression she wants to make. it is like prom....guys just do not always get what the big deal about prom is....well this is prom times 100! Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 I doubt this is about the song, really. I mean out of all the songs in the world, you can't compromise to find one you both like? Why is that? Are you wondering (like I am) whether this is just a look at your future? Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Compromise in writing, ofcourse. she gets to pick the wedding song.........you get to choose to name the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHeavens Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Spencer, that is hilarious! I love it! Ok...I may be the only girl in the world who did none of those "wedding fantasy" things as a kid...and I sure "thought" I'd be married by now...but...I think it's all about compromise. I personally would be very excited if my groom (he**would be in danger of freezing over) were interested in helping plan the BIG DAY, in any way. The song seems like an odd choice indeed...what sort of "Statement" is she trying to make? Because...if none of us here on LS get it, maybe no one else will either. Also, IMO, regardless of her past experiences with men, good or bad, she should not be asking you to somehow "prove" yourself to her. That seems to become a vicious cycle that never ends...you'll have to do everything in your life to "prove that you love her". That sounds a bit insecure or maybe immature...is she young? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 First off.....WHEN is your wedding planned for? How long from now? You know what I'm going to write here, I'm sure. It's no different, really, than what I've written in the past, along with many others. Why are you so surprised that your fiancee is so adamant of having the last word and calling the shots? This has been an ongoing problem between you, I don't see it changing anytime soon. She is treating you like a doormat, and manipulating you big time into getting her own way. And it's all done under the thinly veiled guise of "well, if you really love me you'll give me my own way...you'll PROVE your love to me." What a crock, and a really ominous way to be starting your life together. She obviously doesn't realize one little bit how lucky she is to HAVE a guy who's interested in the planning of the wedding. Do you know how many guys wouldn't give a rip's butt? I don't buy this crap about it being "the bride's day." It's a COUPLE'S day. And again, why are you marrying someone who has made it clear they don't want children, yet you very much do? I asked you this before but you didn't respond. And why oh why are you continuing to plan this wedding when there's sh*tloads of issues to TRULY work through? (that could take months or more). You are setting yourself up for a very miserable marriage and life.........why? Anyone reading through your past posts about her surely must be wondering the same thing. If you can't accept her selfishness and unwillingness to compromise......and you have to keep asking how to deal with her wanting her own way all the time, what are you DOING marrying her? I just don't get it. I've yet to read of a couple that had so many "RED FLAG" issues.........who were STILL actively continuining to plan (and squabble over) the planning of a wedding. It's insane, really. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 Look, I'm a girl, who has fantasies about her wedding day. BUT I want to plan my day when it eventually comes about, with my guy. Sure, I might certainly care more about certain things than him, and might have more of a say on some things because of that, but if I chose a song and he did not like it at all....well, I would choose another song that we BOTH liked. It's OUR day as far as I am concerned....even if it matters a bit more to me, because I am the 'bride' or whatever. I love my dear, and when we eventually walk down the aisle one day...well I'll want to know he's enjoying every part of that day too. Frankly, I think your fiance is being a bit stubborn in not finding another song which you BOTH like, and which also shows her personality and whatever. It's fine to want to be a princess for a day...sure I look forward to one day wearing a beautiful dress and whatnot too...but it's not an excuse to be too selfish in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
Embee Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 I think you two should both agree on another song. You have been stellar about letting her do everything else, so if you care about something that much, then it really must be important and she should recognize it. Is it her normal personality to be so stubborn. This is my own two cents, but personally, I think that the song does not go with the mood of a wedding. I think people are going to wrinkle their faces up when they hear that song play. Maybe she can play a snippet of the song when you start your approach down the aisle and then pick something else that you both agree on for the actual walk down the aisle. If a sample could be mixed tastefully to the beginning of a slower or more classical piece, it might be original and tasteful. This kind of little stuff right here, breeds resentment later on. You should see a counselor for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
Embee Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 It sounds like you've been keeping up on this relationship befuddled11. You are a straight shooter. I like your style. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 if you really hate the song... you could buy(download) a copy and play it ...... over & over & over & over & over & over &over & over & over & over & over & over& over & over & over & over & over &over & over & you sick of reading this yet ? over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over &over & over & over & over & over & over & over get the hint & over & over & over & & over & over & over & over & over &over & over & over & over & over & overover &over & over & over & over & over & over& over & over & over pure sabotage & over & over &over & over & over & over & over & over Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 SOME of us girls played fairytale wedding when we were little, when we went to prom, etc.... and i do not think that she does not care what you think, but she is a little wrapped up in this maybe more than she or you thought she would be. and she has now become Bridezilla....but it will soon come to a head and Bust with wedding bliss! Link to post Share on other sites
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