LadyInsanity Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 I have to agree with Befuddled. There are just to many issues between the 2 of you. If you see her personality as she plans this wedding...your seeing the same personality your going to have to deal with in the marriage. A wedding day is for both the bride AND the groom! The planning should be done together! I get the feeling that she would rather you just sit there and look pretty instead of speaking up for what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 27, 2004 Author Share Posted April 27, 2004 Hi, I've read all your advice on here and appreciate it. Our first counciling session is Sat. morning. I was only to one other a number of years back and it was awful. I'm just hoping this councilor is willing to work 'with us' and not turn it to make us think we shouldn't get married. I do love her with all of my heart and I do think faith has brought us together. What has worried me was the councilor asked if we sent out the invitiations yet. My fiancee's attitude at times can be very challenging but I have to keep in mind the following: 1) She was emotionally abused by her dad & neglected. He left them numerous times while she was a child 2) She was in a bad relationship with an ex bf who neglected her 3) She went cold-turkey off of her anti-depressants three weeks ago 4) Her dad's current marriage is all but over. They are just co-existing and I think she is kinda scared seeing what her dad & step-mom are going through 5) Her mom's husband has hit on my fiancee, ie. walked around naked in front of her, and we've also heard through some other people we know that he was at a bar telling people how 'hot' she is and how he would like to sleep with her. Her mom still doesn't know this and Brandy keeps it a secret to spare her mom the pain 6) She just graduated and moved in with me 7) Planning of a wedding 8) A new job which she started at the same time she moved in If I were going through all that I would be insane. No it's not a reason for me to be put on the defensive and feel at times it's my job to save us but I need to take these things into consideration. We both love each other and I am devoted to her. I will NOT leave her like all the other men in her life have. As long as she is willing to help herself and us, I will stay with her. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel 3) She went cold-turkey off of her anti-depressants three weeks ago [color=red]Warning! Danger, Danger Will Robinson![/color] [insert big [color=red]red [/color]flag here] Have her talk to her doctor. Anti-depressants should not be stopped cold-turkey! That can really hurt her physically and emotionally---ESPECIALLY with everything else that is going on! That would bother me too if the counselor asked about invitations! It took us a long time and a lot of counselors to find one that was really helpful. Unfortunatly, its a process of elimination. Don't give up or walk away though -- nothing on your list needs to be a deal-breaker! Link to post Share on other sites
LadyInsanity Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 Don't be alarmed if the counselor brings up the fact that you seem to have some co-dependancy issues. There's nothing wrong with that, except it's not in your power to fix her issues. You want to be the Knight in Shining Armor. Good luck...and have an open mind to what the conselor tells you. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 what do invitations have to do with it? was he concerned cause he didn't get one? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 27, 2004 Author Share Posted April 27, 2004 I asked her (the councilor) if you would ever tell us 'not' to get married. She said that she would never make that decision and that it is upto us, but to lead us into the decision best for us. She said we have time to sort out our issues before August (the wedding date) but then asked if the invitations were sent. That almost makes me feel like it's doomed from the start. I ordered those books from <removed> as well. Wish someone here knew of a good councilor from the Central Pennslyvania area. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 well if nothing else...just wait till all her crap is over and then see how the marriage works...maybe she is just high strung b/c of all the stressors you mentioned.... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 I said it before, and, like Befuddled, I'll say it again - this marriage has 'BEYOND THIS POINT THERE BE MONSTERS' written all over it. It is no good making excuses for her - she's stressed about this, that, bla bla. She was running the show before she went off the meds ( a VERY dangerous thing to do) and then you had other excuses. There will always be stressors. Do you not realize that this IS your life - now and to come? She will always have reasons to be selfish, self-involved, and uncaring of you and you will continue to excuse her. You, I fear, are codependent - bigtime. This is NOT the 'bride's day'. That attitude went out with button shoes. Any woman who hasn't developed the desire to share equally with her man by the time of the engagement ought not be a bride. And what exactly is this: she thinks that if I love her as much as I say I do that I should try to please her. ????? What about if she loves you as much as she says she does, she should try to please you? How do both of you buy that this only works one way???? To love, jmargel, is to want happiness for your beloved - sometimes even more than for yourself. Only one of you is doing this now. This is not a partnership of equals but a parent-child relationship. It is unhealthy, and it will fail as a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme This is NOT the 'bride's day'. That attitude went out with button shoes. Any woman who hasn't developed the desire to share equally with her man by the time of the engagement ought not be a bride. I know I expressed my concerns before jmargel...but I must stress that moimeme has summed it up exactly here. I cannot imagine thinking of my eventual wedding to my guy as 'my' day. It will be OUR day. I want him to be happy when it happens, and enjoy every part of it! If that means I will have to compromise on something...well, so be it. Your fiance may be stressed, but she still needs to think of your feelings here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 I'm not making excuses for her. I'm telling you what she is going through right now. She is not the monster you are trying to portray her to be. You think I would be with someone if they were? We talked last night about how she has been treating me, in regards to willing to not get married for stupid reasons. She told me she says stupid things when she's mad and I told her that this councilor can help us with that. I explained to her last night what my ex-fiancee did. Everytime we got into an arguement I got the ring back and that it just drove me away. She does treat me good alot of the times. She does the little things too that matter. Like last night taking my car to fill it up with gas so I didn't have to do that in the morning. I know that may sound trival, but it shows she cares. People nowadays are so fast to just leave someone if things aren't going 100% perfect. We are going to be working on our problems starting Saturday when we meet the councilor. She was always totally against marriage and living with someone, because of the way men in her life treated her. So it says alot to me when she has made that commitment to me. I created this thread to try to find pointers into communicating better, not to defend myself and her on why we should be together. I appreciate your advice, but if you are going to keep telling me our marriage is 'doomed' then I will not respond to you anymore. You can't predict that. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyInsanity Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 When your negative list is longer than your positive list....it tends to look like it will be an unhappy marriage. Ever heard that love is blind? Take off the blinders. All you need to do is read all your posts concerning this relationship...it's all there, clear as day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 How many people post positive things on this board about their relationships? Not many. It's because we are trying to figure and solve the problems at hand. If you want me to list postive things about her, here they are: 1) She is my best friend and my lover 2) She has been there for me even in the worst of times. When I was without a job and very down. 3) When I talk about things, she takes the time to listen and doesn't interrupt. 4) We are very affectionate with each other and we tell each other 'I love you' about 10 times a day 5) She lets me do what I want without question. 6) She's more than happy to cook & clean. Doesn't complain about it at all. 7) She is so loving towards my family and they adore her. My nieces (8 & 10 years old) love her. She takes the time to do things with them, as well as my year old nephew. 8) Even though there have been alot of her family who has hurt her, she is trying to put that past her and not hold it over their heads. She does this because she wants peace and to get along with everybody. 9) She is very trustworthy. I know she is totally devoted to being with me when it comes down to it. Even though she gets in her moods, I know I am in her heart completely. These are only a few that I have posted. Maybe this forum needs a section where people who ARE happy in their relationships can post. It'll give other posters on how relationships should actually work. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 jmargel, I am sure your relationship has many fine aspects to it. I know how it can feel to have to defend things. I often post about my worries too, and I also have a great relationship. But if you choose to post on here, I think you need to accept that people are going to post their honest opinions in reply. You have to be prepared for that. You can disagree if you like...but you need to expect a broad range of replies...people aren't going to not say something, in case it upsets or offends you. Sometimes when people reply to me I think they don't 'get' the real situation...but they are replying based on what they know, and I accept that. People are concerned about YOUR well being. People also can sometimes see things that you cannot see, when you are so involved in the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 hey jmargel, no one wants to hear how happy you are. keep that sh*t to yourself will ya. Link to post Share on other sites
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