Work & ex-friends

[Badenov]

Anyone who wants to read my original post in the friendship thread can do so here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276976/ But now things are getting complicated, so I thought I'd post it here.

 

Here's the gist: "M" & "S" were friends at work. M is a naive, good-hearted person, but has a bitchy side. S is the office bitch, but can ooze charm & manipulate others. Eventually M sees this & ends the friendship. I become her new friend & do my best to be kind, supportive, & giving--yet I feel like a "rebound friend." Meanwhile S keeps chipping away at her resolve. Slowly M lets down her guard & they become friends again. Around the same time me & M don't communicate well, feelings are hurt on both sides & we both withdraw. We try to patch it up but pride gets in the way.

 

Now S turns her sights on me: Messing with my job, trying to embarrass me, trying to get me into trouble. Co-incidentally, it's always when M's not around (M's not the spiteful, vengeful type, but S is, so I'm inclined to think she was doing it behind her back b/c M wouldn't approve). Eventually she crosses a line & things blow up, causing a HUGE stink at work. M finds out & is pissed (at me? at her? both of us? who knows?). Most of the office--including the bosses--are on my side, but S is protected by office politics.

 

Eventually they go back to having lunch & hanging out (like we used to. It sucks being replaced). S is a natural born liar, & M knows this. Yet she seems to be giving her the benefit of the doubt (rose-colored glasses?). It's especially insulting b/c she knows what kind of person I am & what kind of person S is. So I'm not sure she's getting the whole story.

 

I don't know what she knows, what she thinks, or how she feels. but here's the bottom line: her friend tried to get her ex-friend fired, and she's giving her a pass on it. Even if she had done it to a total stranger, it would seem obvious they don't share the same values. I'm caught between thinking M doesn't see what S is doing (bad character judgement on her part), or that she doesn't care (bad character judgement on my part).

 

She seems to think me & S can put this behind us (& S is playing along, acting like there are no hard feelings) but I can't forgive anyone for f***ing with my job. I was trying to take the high road with M--not going out of my way, but not ignoring her like I used to--but hiding my resentment is getting harder. I can't even look her in the eye, and when they're chit-chatting I try to walk away without being obvious. I can transfer in 6 months, but that seems to be the coward's way out. S's job is hanging by a thread (she's been in even more trouble since) but karma doesn't seem to be catching up to her. I fantasize about M waking up & seeing the light, but for all I know she already has & doesn't care. I'm losing my faith in the fairness of life.

[creighton0123]

I think you all started messing with your own jobs the moment you three decided to be less than professional in a work environment. Office politics aside, if the three of you only know one another from the office, you can all maintain a casual friendship without a need to involve the entire office in drama a la your incapability of being professional.

 

I'm surprised the three of you haven't all been chastised by your coworkers for lacking in maturity and professionalism.

[Badenov]

I think you all started messing with your own jobs the moment you three decided to be less than professional in a work environment. Office politics aside, if the three of you only know one another from the office, you can all maintain a casual friendship without a need to involve the entire office in drama a la your incapability of being professional.

 

Save your judgements. It's a small office with a casual atmosphere & the relationships do spill over into our personal lives outside the office as well. The work gets done despite the "drama" that each & every one of them has experienced or created on one level or another. This isn't a stuffy corporate office, these people are friends. But all it takes is one person who doesn't know the difference between personal relationships & the job to upset the balance.

 

I'm surprised the three of you haven't all been chastised by your coworkers for lacking in maturity and professionalism.

 

You obviously have never met my coworkers. Compared to them, this IS mature & professional.

[Afishwithabike]

Is there a question for us to answer in your original post? Maybe I missed it. Or maybe you're just venting.

 

Several years ago, I worked in an office where some of the female staff, including me, were too close as friends. We were far too involved in each other's personal lives. Two of the women were particularly catty in the "queen bee" cliquish kind of way and they created problems for the others. Thankfully, I had a good opportunity to move laterally elsewhere so I left that department for another. I still hear things about the my former workplace and things are bad. I've come to the realization it's best to be cordial, polite and professional with my colleagues, but I don't develop strong friendships with co-workers. I keep my work life and my personal life separate.

[Badenov]

. I've come to the realization it's best to be cordial, polite and professional with my colleagues, but I don't develop strong friendships with co-workers. I keep my work life and my personal life separate.

 

I agree in theory. But this group has been together for so long, It's more of a disfunctional family than it is work, & it's hard to resist getting sucked into it. A "lateral move" is sounding better & better, but does it solve anything if you don't learn how to deal with it?

 

For the most part, I am venting. But it's not really about the job as it is about friendship, character judgement, & shared values. It's a stressful situation & I was just looking for feedback, not judgemental critiscism. If you have nothing helpful to add, I'd appreciate it if you just moved on to the next thread.

[chucksagent]

Let me say this: I PROMISE I am not judging you. Just being totally honest.

 

I RARELY agree with creigton 0123 (not because I don't respect him but because I think we just differ on how we view things often) on these boards but in this case I couldn't agree with him more.

 

As a matter of fact, as I was reading it, I had trouble believing this was real and not the plot of a soap opera. The fact that you say it's a small office makes it worse! How can all of this talking, gossip, mud slinging, and backstabbing occur without any direct observation from management?!

 

"Don't poop where you eat." Simple. Your job is how you put bread and milk on the table. Meet friends elsewhere if you can't avoid drama. It honestly sounds to me like you enjoy it, and don't feel bad because the majority of people I've worked with in my life DO enjoy that drama and excitement.

 

But my advice is, pretend to make nice like the other girl is doing, keep your head straight, focus on work, and avoid any bullcrap drama.

 

PS: Lots of people I know are friends with work people but I am NOT! I still hang out with friends from high school, college, and law school though, so I am in no need to just MAKING friends with those most convenient. Try and avoid it if possible.

[creighton0123]

Save your judgements. It's a small office with a casual atmosphere & the relationships do spill over into our personal lives outside the office as well. The work gets done despite the "drama" that each & every one of them has experienced or created on one level or another. This isn't a stuffy corporate office, these people are friends. But all it takes is one person who doesn't know the difference between personal relationships & the job to upset the balance.

 

 

 

You obviously have never met my coworkers. Compared to them, this IS mature & professional.

 

It doesn't matter if it's a small office. I work in an office with 14 people. That is sufficiently small. There is a very casual atmosphere. We socialize, go out to lunch with one another, are informed on some level of personal details about our lives. We wear shorts and flip flops to work, keep the lights off most of the day, etc. etc.

 

However, the moment personal conflict begins to impact the company or daily productivity is the moment we would all expected to be fired.

 

You are there to make a business successful. Anything that gets in the way of that or causes conflict in the process of securing success is fundamentally less important.

[Badenov]

Let me say this: I PROMISE I am not judging you. Just being totally honest.

 

Thank you for that.

 

How can all of this talking, gossip, mud slinging, and backstabbing occur without any direct observation from management?!.

 

Probably because management also participates. That's part of the problem. The home office also has problems with this woman, but the head of personel won't discipline her, which only adds to the problem. Trust me, if not for her insitigations, it would be a lot less dramatic there.

 

It honestly sounds to me like you enjoy it, and don't feel bad because the majority of people I've worked with in my life DO enjoy that drama and excitement.

But my advice is, pretend to make nice like the other girl is doing, keep your head straight, focus on work, and avoid any bullcrap drama.

 

Like I said, it's hard to resist getting sucked in sometimes. For the first few years, I followed the above advice, but after muliple problems in my personal life (Divorce. Bankruptcy. Health) hit me all at the same time, I just got a little vulnerable. I was very close to M & her family--they were all I had at the time--& S, out of simple jealousy, took it to a whole new level (You can read about that here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3531948#post3531948 )

 

Anyway, you're right & your advice is sound. Pretending isn't my strong suit, & I let myself get too emotional about it. I'll just stick it out the next 6 months & get the hell out. Thanks.