I've learned, heard, felt, and seen so much. Yet, I miss her.

[neghitzbrah]

There was a time when I was satisfied. When I was happy of what I had. Those times absconded into a sorrowful state of oppression. The love I once had was lost. We broke off the engagement and went our separate ways. Well, at least I did. I boarded the ship to finding oneself.

 

I've dated great women. Independent women who could trump your average Jane. Yet, I didn't open myself to them. I didn't make myself emotionally available. But from each one, I learned a lot about myself. Able to know more things I value from a companion. I learned to not compare those qualities to my ex. I've learned that. I've met different people and listened to them on a different level. From just listening, one can learn a lot. People feel as if I'm different from others. But in actually, I've become different from how I have been before in a social aspect. To think that someones' experiences and morals can be passed onto another just from listening. I've heard that. I've had dreams of becoming a great Piano player. I began that and have played many pieces. To let out my emotions through the tips of my fingers. I've felt that. I've climbed mountains and wandered vast plains in the mid-Atlantic. I've seen nature in ways only few of many have seen. The sights, the sounds, and imagery that only authors can describe. I've seen that.

 

I've done so much. Developed myself into a mature man. It never ends though. It still keeps going because I continue to live my life. I learned that life is more than women. It's about being happy with yourself. Yet, this all didn't matter when I saw her. When I saw her, all the emotions I didn't feel with the ones I've dated... not a fraction of what I felt when I saw my ex. It all came back when I saw her. She felt it too. I knew. She told me.

 

I listened this time around. I know what I have done wrong. I told her everything I did. She told me what she has been up to, as well. She was traveling in reverse as I am accelerating forward in this road we call life. She is in a relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Yet, she gets caught in the moment with me as I do, too. We talked. We laughed. We touched. We flirted. We kissed. I told her how I felt deep down. The feelings I felt:

 

I love you deeply. I care about you so much. But I know you and I are going down two different paths. Yet, I can't help but to feel compelled toward you. An illusive attraction that I feel whenever I think, see, or hear about you.

 

It was unattainable. I didn't pursue in a crazed manner. I accepted it in a mature way. In a way I should've accepted it 7 months ago. My last words to her. "I went about it all wrong. Thank you for everything. I will see you around." I wish I said it differently, but it is what it is. Any additional contact will halt my progress. I will always love her and will continue to miss her. But I will follow my dreams and keep doing what I need to do. I will let fate take its course. I will stop trying to alter my future. I need to be patient and live life day by day. Through these principles will I learn to be the man who I once was before I met her. An independent, single, happy man. It will take time.

 

I will never forget my first. I will never forget her.

[Renard99]

Elegantly written my friend.

 

I hear what you say perfectly. No matter how you develope as a person, the person you shared part of your life with will always hold a space in your heart. You can't deny they were there, yet at the same time you can't be drawn into the allure that your ex gives off, leaving you stuck in the middle, leaving you in a potentially comfortable place in life but still missing them so.

[Lemontang]

Wow. Dude I had to read that a few times. If this was a book I'd want to read more pages. Extremely well written and well made self realisations.

[replicator]

I know how it is to love someone and miss them. It is a test of will keep it to yourself, when every piece of you wants to somehow reconnect.

 

Ah... What would life be without these emotions. I can only think that the experience we've had is rare - and we're lucky have experienced it so fully.

[Gabari0219]

wow...amazing

[neghitzbrah]

I have to say that recently, I learned what it means to truly speak from your mind and your heart. It's as if you don't need to hide anything but show your true self. Lol... to be honest, I am a math major. I did terrible in writing as well as reading and comprehension throughout high school and the first year of college.

 

Now a few years later, I have finished reading books of my liking and newspapers. It's amazing how reading material improves your grammar and use of vocabulary. Eventually you learn to mold this knowledge into your own ways of expressing your thoughts and feelings. And the end result? What you read there is only a fraction of it. It's how I truly feel about my relationship. I never really got it out in the past few months until I learned how to express myself. People say that I am a very genuine person now. I never really got that before.

 

On top of that, my ex has told me (this is when I met up with her a couple of weeks back) that for the first time she's ever known me I was being honest. That was one of the things I remember her telling me. Sure it makes me happy to know that she thinks positive of me, but it does not draw me back to her. I know what went wrong, and I can almost guarantee that it will eventually happen again if I get back with her. Let alone that I need to consider the fact that she cheated on her boyfriend. I need to ask myself, when I'm not drowning in emotion, do I really want to date a cheater?

 

::sigh:: But yet, I will continue to get caught up in the moment when I'm around her. I'll admit it. I don't think correctly. SO I won't be talking to her anymore. She's out of my life for now. I know there's someone else out there for me. It sucks to be patient, but patience always pays off in the long run. Good luck all!

Edited July 29, 2011 by neghitzbrah