fool4love Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 He ended things over 2 months ago. We've had limited contact (a few emails here and there) and I have gotten stronger and although I'm still effected, I'm doing much better. Until now. This morning he emailed. It was in response to one I had sent him, but in his email he wrote that he wants to know what's going on in my life. Said he feels a lot of pain b/c he hurt me, and is still effected b/c he lost me. He wrote that he has not been the same since we've ended, but doesn't know if that is his depression or that reality has set in that we've ended. He concluded that he wants to know how things are going w/me, and that he has and continues to love me every day. I doubt he wants me back, in fact, he wrote that he knows we hit a rut and that he didn't communicate with me and he still doesn't know why he shut himself off from me. I just want to know what you guys think this all means. Is he reaching out as a friend or more? Maybe I'm reading into things. I really want to stay strong, but I miss him and want to maintain contact. I just fear I'll go back to that bad, sad, self-absorbed post breakup state?! What to do? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Do you want to get back with this guy? If so, then you need to ask him if that is what he wants. If not then it sounds to me like you're not ready for contact. You have to wait until you're well and truly over "it" and then maybe you two can work at being friends. In my experience what often happens(ed) is that once you are well and truly over it you find you don't need or even want that friendship. There is no rule that says just because you've gone out with someone you should then be friends when the relationship is over. If you decide that you don't want to get back together then tell him he needs to stop contacting you until YOU feel that you're ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fool4love Posted April 26, 2004 Author Share Posted April 26, 2004 Bluechocolate- I understand what you're saying. But I can't ask him if he wants to get back together. First of all, the relationship was an LDR and we're 1000 miles apart. I wouldn't let that alone get in the way, but I fear if I ask him if he wants to get back, he'll freak all over again, feel as though I'm pushing him and run. If there's ever a chance, I think he'll need more time to figure that out for himself. However, I don't want to drop contact and not reply. I loved him for the person he was, and I do want him as a friend, problem is I still want more. It's so complicated! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Then I'm sorry, but you're stuck! If you want more and he doesn't and you maintain contact while you still feel like this you'll never get over it & it's more than likely that he'll move on with his life. Then where will you be? It's never easy but I repeat You have to wait until you're well and truly over "it" and then maybe you two can work at being friends. The answer is in your own post - you say that you were getting strong until now...... Is he reaching out as a friend or more? No one here can answer that question for you - only he has the answer but you say you won't ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fool4love Posted April 26, 2004 Author Share Posted April 26, 2004 Blue- I guess I just asked for help b/c I can't think without my emotions involved. So I value your advice, and you point out some good things. However, I think he still does care for me, and wants to know what's going on in my life. But that might not mean that he wants to get back together. I'm just wondering where his heart is. If he said things like "I haven't been the same since things ended" and "I still love you every day" what does that mean? Why would he say those things? If he thinks he's making me feel better, he's wrong. I just don't want to turn my back to him, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and I don't need him as much anymore, but I can't help but miss him sometimes...okay...all the time. So, if I don't have the balls to ask him what he wants, what am I to do? No contact? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 If he said things like "I haven't been the same since things ended" and "I still love you every day" what does that mean? I don't know, I can only guess that he means what he says. Why would he say those things? Because that is the way he feels(?) If he thinks he's making me feel better, he's wrong. Then tell him that. If you insist on maintaining some kind of contact with him then tell him that you can't listen to him say these things. Talk about the weather, jobs, school, etc... You need to be clear in your mind about what you hope to gain by maintaining contact. If he is saying these things to you and doesn't want to get back with you then how can you be sure he's not just stringing you along? Playing with your emotions? Is it your intention to maintain contact in the hopes that he'll change his mind and you'll get back together? If that is the case then I would say you could very easily end up being more hurt and disappointed than you are now. I just don't want to turn my back to him,...... and what about you? but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and I don't need him as much anymore, but I can't help but miss him sometimes...okay...all the time I know it's a cliche and I know this sounds trite, but you need to give it time. He dumped you and I know what that feels like - it's horrible, lonely, desperate, dreadful. What did I do? What could I have done differently? What should I have done differently? Why can't things be different? It's all ghastly, but you WILL get over it if you give it time - and if you can have that time WITHOUT being dragged back down by these emotions being brought out by contact with him then you'll feel better even faster - that's what I think anyway. So, if I don't have the balls to ask him what he wants, what am I to do? No contact? yes, because like you said.... I have gotten stronger and although I'm still effected, I'm doing much better. Until now. I sincerely hope things work out for you. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Author fool4love Posted April 26, 2004 Author Share Posted April 26, 2004 Thank you for all of your words. I don't know what to do or say to him, but I do know that what makes me happy is continuing on with my own life and future plans. I think I need some more time. I won't contact him for awhile. My only concern (by not contacting him back) is that he may think I'm uninterested...but if I know men, that will only make him more interested:) There's a whole lot of me that wants him back, but as more time passes, there grows a small part of me that doesn't. Time does heal. It's just a bitch of a process! Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHeavens Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Hey... I think you're making the right choice. If he ended the relationship, it seems only reasonable that he have the courtesy and consideration to let you get through the emotional cr*p and heal enough that you can decide--as Bluechocolate said--what you want to contribute to and get from this relationship. Sometimes I think that when someone dumps you and then contacts you and says something like "I still love you but I don't want you back" it's some sort of a power play...I mean, he may know that you miss him and part of you wants him back. That statement is a confusing and painful one for him to make at this time...like he's playing w/ya or something. Two months is not really that long a time to "recover" when you've been in deep emotionally. Continue to take care of yourself and focus on your own personal goals--this is NOT a selfish thing to do--and if he gets jealous or bored or whatever, you may not even care, because when you immerse yourself in your own life, other things may happen. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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