Love or Security??

[Bestkindakid]

I am having a problem choosing between my ex-boyfriend who I was/am very much in love with. We had our variety of problems (only one of which probably couldnt' have been solved - we are of different religions) and broke up about 4 months ago. Along came a guy who I had known about 10 years ago. He treats me like a princess and I know that he always will if I give him the go-ahead. We have been hanging out, getting to know each other again and he has fallen head over heels. He knows about my ex and the feelings that I still have for him. My ex has now come back into my life and all the feelings I had for him have come back as well. I am scared though to let go of the security of the "new" guy because I know that we could have a very good life together. I just don't have the feelings of love and excitement with him as I do with my ex. I am wondering what a person chooses for the future - Love and Uncertainty or Friendship and Security. Could someone help??

[Tony T]

I know exactly what you're going through and I know exactly how you feel. It's truly the mother of all love problems.

 

First, let me say don't let go of the guy you are going with now. Hold on, OK...now we can proceed.

 

There are many, many people in the world for which we can feel extraordinary chemistry and fireworks but, for many other reasons, it would be impractical and perhaps even a nightmare to try to spend our lives with them. That is the situation with your ex. You have great chemistry and you feel that romantic love in your heart for him...but there are so many problems that go with it that the chemistry just cannot overcome.

 

To that I would add the fact that the chemistry diminishes over time. If once those chemicals stop swishing around so very strongly in both of your brains you do not have a comfortable basis for a very strong, loving and companionate friendship on which to base a long term relationship, IT WILL BE OVER. Once you have ONLY the problems but a tremendously diminished chemistry your relationship with your ex will be horrifying.

 

I am basing this opinion on the assumption that the two of you tried very hard to preserve your relationship by attempting to solve these numerous problems that plagued your relationship and were unsuccessful.

 

Now, on the other hand, your love for the guy you are seeing now seems to be the kind that can grow stronger over time. It may never have the chemical intensity you enjoyed with your ex, but it will have a realistic, mature, stable, secure love that is the ONLY KIND that lasts over time. This kind of love is sprinkled with caring, committment, communication, shared goals, shared views about children, money, etc., a spirit of forgiveness, open-mindedness, common interests, and a mutual need to share one's life with another in a peaceful healthy way.

 

Young people get pretty addicted to the chemical fizz you have with your ex. But if the two of you can't get it together in most other ways, you would be condemned to an eventual nasty breakup...or even a bitter divorce.

 

You do have a third alternative...and many on this forum would probably recommend it. That would be to ditch both of these guys and try to find love with a guy which is rich in chemistry and where you have all those other things and get along as well.

 

That doesn't happen too often but it does happen and you could be one of the lucky ones who finds it.

 

I commend you on considering this question. Most people would just run towards the fireworks and not care. Those chemicals are addictive. You have a good enough head on your shoulders that you are not rushing into anything. That tells me you do have a practical side...and, if you really do, you will be able to make the best decision for yourself. Whichever guy you pick, he's getting the better deal!!!

[billy the kid]

personally I would talk to both of them and say lets take a break... and then YOU take time and think about your situation with no one putting preasure on you.. I f one of these guys can't handle you getting your head together then that tells you something right off...what can two weeks hurt.

I am having a problem choosing between my ex-boyfriend who I was/am very much in love with. We had our variety of problems (only one of which probably couldnt' have been solved - we are of different religions) and broke up about 4 months ago. Along came a guy who I had known about 10 years ago. He treats me like a princess and I know that he always will if I give him the go-ahead. We have been hanging out, getting to know each other again and he has fallen head over heels. He knows about my ex and the feelings that I still have for him. My ex has now come back into my life and all the feelings I had for him have come back as well. I am scared though to let go of the security of the "new" guy because I know that we could have a very good life together. I just don't have the feelings of love and excitement with him as I do with my ex. I am wondering what a person chooses for the future - Love and Uncertainty or Friendship and Security. Could someone help??

[Deejette]

i have great chemistry going with a guy who is always late (sometimes by hours) or forgets to show up at all, has brain fog, is a whining wimp, passive, slow, is a financial disaster area, with baggage from a bad ex-marriage that you wouldn't believe. My life would be destroyed if I decided to marry or even live with him. Other men, who are much more stable come around but I am not in love with them the way I am with this messed-up dude.

 

But thank Goddess I have enought sense not to ruin my life by hitching up with this guy. I can't account for the chemistry. It isn't based on logic, and, as Tony says, it can go away. What you are left with are the problems and that kicked in the gut feeling of, what happened to the beautiful romance.

 

I almost have come to the conclusion that if I feel this kind of chemistry I should run the other way because here comes trouble.

personally I would talk to both of them and say lets take a break... and then YOU take time and think about your situation with no one putting preasure on you.. I f one of these guys can't handle you getting your head together then that tells you something right off...what can two weeks hurt.

[Tony T]

You write: "I almost have come to the conclusion that if I feel this kind of chemistry I should run the other way because here comes trouble."

 

How profound. If others came to this conclusion, there could be a lot less heartbreak.

 

Don't you think maybe that this wild chemistry stuff we feel is mostly nature's way of getting people together for procreation purposes? Romantic love, as we know it today, is relatively new on the human evolutionary scene. So is marriage, for that matter.

 

As I look back, I have gotten into pretty big trouble and eventual heartbreak every time that big chemistry attack has come upon me for a lady. But I did have some happiness for a while I suppose. Eventually, we haven't got time for the resulting pain (as the Carly Simon song goes).

 

P.S. It sounds like you may have some work to do on your current relationship...but at least the "chemistry" is there!!!

[Bestkindakid]

Thanks alot guys! Apparently I have ALOT of thinking to do on this issue!

 

Anyway, it's not just the 'chemistry' thing though. We make each other laugh, are very comfortable together, I know him better than anyone (he has never let anyone in before) and I guess I'm just having a hard time telling myself to let go because there is really only one firm issue that I can see getting us into problems in the future. (he's jehovah [his mother VERY much so] and I'm christian). I am not religious really but I do like my christmases, birthdays etc. and would want my children brought up christian. He doesn't know how he feels about this.

 

The "new" guy, well, we just don't laugh nearly as much. He's rather quiet, I'm very boisterous. Maybe that's what I need, someone to tame me down. I dunno!

 

Like I said I have some real thinking to do I guess. Leaving both of them to try and find someone else isn't an option I don't think.

[Bestkindakid]

Geez thanks guys! I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over this whole issue.

 

The thing is that my ex and I laugh so much together, we can be totally carefree and not care what people think and I know him better than anyone. He is just at a point right now where he doesn't know what he wants out of life and I think I am passed that point now. He really is trying to change to be a better more mature person and I don't want to let go of him just when he is starting to show some promise! There is only one issue that we would have problems with in the future and that is our religions. He is jehovah and I am christian. I am not a religious person really, but I would like my kids to grow up knowing and having christmases, birthdays etc. I've just never felt like this for anyone before (I'm 27!) and I am scared to lose that. I am the type of person who always wishes that I could have a fairytale romance and this is the closest I have been to that.

 

My "new" guy is alot quieter and we don't laugh nearly as much. I just don't have the love feelings. Will they come in time?? I know that he loves me though and maybe I am being selfish, but I don't want to lose that security either. it would be so perfect if I could combine the two of them into one person!!

 

Boy, it kinda feels good to write all this down. WARNING - there could be plenty of messages of me ranting about this!!! Just ignore them if you like!! It's good to get other people's views on the issue though too.

 

Ciao!

[Deejette]

Yes, Tony, I do have a lot of work to do on the relationship I describe, but I think I need to have the courage to say "Good-bye." He's in his mid-40s and won't be able to change. But I am addicted to the good times (sparse as they are) that I do have with this guy, even though they cannot bring lasting happiness.

 

I am attached emotionally the way I'd be to a big, sick Saint Bernard who is puking all over my carpet but I don't have the guts to take to the vet to have him put to sleep. Ain't love grand?

You write: "I almost have come to the conclusion that if I feel this kind of chemistry I should run the other way because here comes trouble." How profound. If others came to this conclusion, there could be a lot less heartbreak. Don't you think maybe that this wild chemistry stuff we feel is mostly nature's way of getting people together for procreation purposes? Romantic love, as we know it today, is relatively new on the human evolutionary scene. So is marriage, for that matter. As I look back, I have gotten into pretty big trouble and eventual heartbreak every time that big chemistry attack has come upon me for a lady. But I did have some happiness for a while I suppose. Eventually, we haven't got time for the resulting pain (as the Carly Simon song goes).

 

P.S. It sounds like you may have some work to do on your current relationship...but at least the "chemistry" is there!!!

[Paula]

I am having a problem choosing between my ex-boyfriend who I was/am very much in love with. We had our variety of problems (only one of which probably couldnt' have been solved - we are of different religions) and broke up about 4 months ago. Along came a guy who I had known about 10 years ago. He treats me like a princess and I know that he always will if I give him the go-ahead. We have been hanging out, getting to know each other again and he has fallen head over heels. He knows about my ex and the feelings that I still have for him. My ex has now come back into my life and all the feelings I had for him have come back as well. I am scared though to let go of the security of the "new" guy because I know that we could have a very good life together. I just don't have the feelings of love and excitement with him as I do with my ex. I am wondering what a person chooses for the future - Love and Uncertainty or Friendship and Security. Could someone help??

I have been RIGHT where you are- and oh my God- if I could go back.

 

I don't know all the details of your situation-but I suspect that there were some doubts in your relationship with your ex- that lead to the break-up. Whatever they were-they probably would still be their-if you went back to him. Once you started experiencing the old problems again- guess where your mind-and at that point your heart-is going to go. Back to the days with Mr. Security. I never realized how very much I truly loved my own Mr. Security- until I let him go- so I could be with old Mr. Excitement. That was 8 years ago- and Mr. Excitement turned into Mr. Jerk- same problems- and more. I now live with the regret everyday of my life- that I let my one "true" love slip away. We are still friends-which sometimes makes it hurt worse- and I will always love him-forever with all my heart. In my case-I probably won't ever get another chance with him- as I am now married to someone else- and the wheels of fate carried me in a different direction. I have responsibilities-like kids and a husband- so I made my bed- now I have to lie in it. When you get to your age -things start happening in your life that alter your destiny for ever-so if you want love and security- you better grab onto it now- if you put it on the back burner-it may not be there when you realize that those are the important things in life. And at that point you may be going down a road that says "No U Turn"-

 

Your new guy can learn to be more fun-you can show him- he will loosen up as the relationship progresses. After all- he fell in love with you-for your qualities- being fun and and exciting- meaning those are traits that he enjoys and would probably like to be a bit more like you in that sense.

 

Regrets are a terrible thing to live with- especially about lost love.

 

Good luck-

 

Paula

[Tony T]

"I am attached emotionally the way I'd be to a big, sick Saint Bernard who is puking all over my carpet but I don't have the guts to take to the vet to have him put to sleep. Ain't love grand?"

 

THE WAY YOU PUT THINGS IS PRICELESS.

 

(I would hope the veterinarian would try to cure your dog before putting it to sleep...LOL)

[Bestkindakid]

Thanks alot Paula! Sorry to hear about your situation though and I hope that you are happy now in your life. It seems to be the general consensus to stay with Mr. Security and I believe I will try that route. I hope my heart will learn to agree......

[Taressa]

Funny thing: I read your compliment and felt an odd twinge of jealousy... if only he would like my posts....

 

It reminded me of writing classes in college when I stretched to the limit, pouring my heart into those words trying to catch the approval of my much admired teacher.

 

"How do I know I'm good?" I asked.

 

"When someone whose work you admire agrees you're good".

 

Deejette just got complimented by my admired!

 

(Tony, your heartfelt patience and strong advice are the greatest. Keep on.)

[Tony T]

Taressa:

 

I have complimented your posts in the past. Your failure to notice, in psychology texts, is called selective inattention. There may be a Freudian reason you do not take notice of praise lavished upon your work. Maybe just extreme modesty???

 

The next time I give you kudos, I will put it in capital letters!!!

 

I really do enjoy reading the wisdom you pass on to those who post here.

 

Unfortunately, nothing that has ever been written here has topped Deejette's metaphor comparing her situation with her guy to a puking St. Bernard she doesn't have the heart to take to the vet to get put to sleep.

 

To me, that is just hillarious. I guess what is so funny is I've been in situations like that myself...and she described it so well.

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!

[Taressa]

Hi Tony,

 

Wow, Friday must have been even longer than I remembered it! Re-reading my post this morning, I'm a bit embarassed for the compliment-fishing quality in it.

 

Thank you for your kinds words and the Freud insight. I wasn't looking for advice but funny how you once again pointed out something hidden. I think I have a hard time hearing compliments because there's always a nagging feeling I've not done my best. Odd.

 

But anyway, I meant the post as an acknowledgment to the verbal-picturally gifted Deejette and as a compliment to you. You've given me invaluable lessons and many smiles.

[Deejette]

Tony has become a larger-than-life figure on this site. He is like the mythical wise man people seek out on the remote mountain pinnacle in the Himalayas. He is like the kindly, jovial daddy of a big family. As such, you might be seeking his approval and the chance to climb upon his lap and recieve the sunshine of his attention.

 

I have also enjoyed your postings, Taressa, and often wonder what you look like and what you are about. Sometimes I feel that this site is like a big virtual family of people who united by the fact that they are looking for answers to diminish their pain. I have a warm and fuzzy feeling when I think of some of the regular posters on this site.

 

I is like the family that I don't really have.

Hi Tony, Wow, Friday must have been even longer than I remembered it! Re-reading my post this morning, I'm a bit embarassed for the compliment-fishing quality in it. Thank you for your kinds words and the Freud insight. I wasn't looking for advice but funny how you once again pointed out something hidden. I think I have a hard time hearing compliments because there's always a nagging feeling I've not done my best. Odd. But anyway, I meant the post as an acknowledgment to the verbal-picturally gifted Deejette and as a compliment to you. You've given me invaluable lessons and many smiles.