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stress ruining my whole and his as well?


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hi everybody,

i am here with a problem of what to do with this relationship once again because i am feeling that i am such a pain in his ass.

last night we went to a concert (david bowie) in a small townof loveland colorado. i was thinking that such a small stadium would not have such intense lights, strobe lights as it did.

this totally ruined the concert for me and i think for him as well because i was forced to leave the concert and go sit outside in the corridor because the strobe lights can bring on a seizure for me so i had to leave or fear having one in front of thousands of people.

 

anyway one of the ushers allowed us to sit way up top out of the range of the strobe lights but that helped but we were so far away and with 80.00 tickets i felt so bad for him.

 

so by then anyway i was already so sensitized to the strobes that it did not matter much. i was so stressed from the whole event and wanted to only go home and hide!

 

i felt like such a pain in the ass for him, i cried when i was in the corridor waiting for him, i felt so emotionally spent b the time we got back to the hotel that i could not even sleep!

 

i laid there instead thinking how nice and calm and relaxing a life it would be to live in my own little place with my puppy and not have to worry about going to these things and or ruining his fun as well.

 

the problem of course would be leaving him so he could do as he wants and i would not feel stressed and or pressured to do these things as well.

 

then i think of him with someone else doing these things and having fun and loving osmeone else and me sitting thre all alone with my little dog and it breaks my heart to think i could walk away from him and this life style and never see him again and what i could miss out on in life, such as the traveling, the concerts, etc.

 

the same things that cause me the stress are things most would love to do, and i want so much to do them too but they just stress me out so i don't enjoy them.

 

i don't know what to do..i love him in my heart but my mind just wants a reprieve from worrying about this all the tie.

we are suppose to go to vegas here in may and though i look forward to it i dred it as wll, such a delieima.

 

i don't know what to do anymore. things go fine as long as the boat does not get rocked, but when something like this comes up, even ifi want to do it, it is such a struggle for me.

 

i feel i should leave him so he can live his ownlife without my hangups. i know ifi asked him if that is what he wanted he would say no, so it is more about my own hangups with thinking he has hangups about it and the stress it puts on me.

 

so i have two choices, stick it out like this all the time, or leave here and never have the chance again to travel to vegas, california, etc..or live in a small town and just hope to be content without ever seeing any part of the world again, which at the moment sounds pretty darned good because of my state of mind.

 

any suggestions? i'm so confused.

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"ruined whole"...that's quite funny :)

 

Dear zingyd,

 

It's natural for people to have likes and dislikes, and even the closest of friends have differences of opinion and differences in taste and what they like to do and not do.

 

Y'know, if my partner had bad asthma or a chest cold, I would not drag'em along to run through fields of summer wheat, or into a nightclub with cigarette, dope and machine smoke hanging like fog in the air. It's as simple as that.

 

It's a matter of respect to allow others to do what they like, and a matter of respect to allow others the freedom to not feel guilty if they do not want to participate in something that you want to do.

 

Those strobe lights possibly causing you a seizure, is a REAL concern, and if your boyfriend did not respect that reality about you, then he's not worth your time.

 

I get the feeling that you are being dragged along around the country going to shows, and you just tag along out of a sense of obligation, and perhaps even a sense of having to hang on tight otherwise he will leave you. Sure, being a groupie is fun, but what about your own time, your own ALONE time. Everybody needs that, and it does seem that you are yearning for that.

 

Everyone has the right to make their own boundries, and you have the right to demand that others respect those boundries. If you are going to relax your boundries just because you are terrified of changing the status quo, then you are destroying your own sense of self, and what is the point to that? What is the point of being in a situation where you are not yourself but are too afraid (or simply too numb) to assert yourself?

 

Remember - you are your own person. Vegas will still be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. If your boyfriend leaves you, vegas is not gonna crumble to the ground.

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it's been awhile since you've last posted here, Zingy, but I see that you're still plagued by the same feelings over a situation that doesn't sound like it's changed one bit in all these years.

 

considering all the advice given by LoveShackers before, and your response to it, this time I suggest that right here, right now, you choose. Do you feel sorry for what you are not able to do, or do you forget about those things and concentrate on what you ARE able to do?

 

you know what your physical and emotional limitations are; you know what your boyfriend's responses to your situation are. Instead of harping on insecurities of him being mean when he doesn't understand, or fantasizing about running away because you're unhappy, DO something proactive, something that will force you out of the mire of negative thinking. Your situation isn't going to change until you change your outlook, and people feeding into a self-induced pity session can only hinder you.

 

this is not meant to be mean or hateful, but instead, a cutting short of well-intentioned, but misguided "help" from people who are not aware of your history of problems from previous posts, which I see have been deleted for the most part ...

 

for your sake, I hope you are able to shake free of your "stinkin' thinkin'," because frankly, it's very hard imagining having to live with that on a daily basis, without any relief from it. I also hope that you're still receiving some sort of counselling to address your issues of abandonment, low self-esteem, agoraphobia and some of the other things you've posted about before.

 

I think I've made the comment to you once before that when someone is faced with a problem, he can 1. either be part of that problem or 2. be part of its solution. You've got to decide what you want here -- I understand the need for validation when we're in a crappy situation, but there is an equally compelling need to grab the bull by the horns to rectify the problem in a way that all parties can live with.

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I fully agree with the above. One thing might be off, although I'm not entirely sure about this

 

Originally posted by quankanne

this is not meant to be mean or hateful, but instead, a cutting short of well-intentioned, but misguided "help" from people who are not aware of your history of problems from previous posts, which I see have been deleted for the most part ...

 

 

I believe that one cannot do a search for threads started by guests. I don't think zingy's previous posts have been deleted.

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i was trying so hard not to sound pitying or anything like that!

things have been going really well for us as we have been in some couples counseling and seperate counseling as well.

 

my point i guess that after last nights concert with the strobe lights and the fear that i ruined his concert, i did not care for myself but i did not want to ruin it for him either.

 

i guess i am just feeling miserable from the whole event still and the strobe light ordeal has awaken in me once again the feelings that i am just ruining his life and hold him back!

 

it is not about me here. it is about what i think i am doing to him even though he never says that i cant help but feel that i hold him back on all levels of his life.

 

there is alot of pressure on me as well. i don't feel that i have to go with him, i want to go with him, but these things just stress me out and i think of how opposite me are, it is almost funny!

 

we will be celebrating six years together july 18th, that is a long history between two people and sad when he has no clue even of the number of times i have wanted to up and leave because of these very situations.

 

part of it is i guess that i worry that it would be a mistake just leaving when he has no clue that i am so stressed out all these trips.

 

he has every right to have vacations, and he works so hard and he deserves them and most people i know would jump at these chances and not feel so much anxiety about them but be just the opposite of me.

 

i can't help but wonder if i am normal for wanting a life free of these trips, traveling to fun places and these over nights and or weekend getaways that we take.

 

i would be content to sit home day in and day out for the rest of my life without ever seeeing disney land again or knots berry farm, or vegas or another concert for that matter.

 

though the temptaions and four tops are coming and so is prince and i would LOVE to see all of them, but i worry so much and fear so much about the strobe light effects and not being able to get out of them intime.

 

he does not make me feel obligated to go, i want to go! i want to go to these things but the anxieties make me want to move and hide in a hole.

 

i know this sounds contradictory but it is not. the fear holds me back from wanting to go peacefully to these things, even if i want to go to some of them.

 

i would not of been on here with this post if it had not been for the strobe lights at last nights concert, that is what dragged all this up again.

 

sorry if it seems like the same ole issues again but it just does not feel the same way, does that make sense?

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yeah, it makes sense ... as good as it is to get these things out there and aired or talked over with a group of strangers who might can give you a fresh perspective, we can only do so much.

 

when you admit that part of it is i guess that i worry that it would be a mistake just leaving when he has no clue that i am so stressed out all these trips, it tells me that you know what you need to do (talk to him and get HIS input on the whole thing), but shy away from doing so. I won't fuss at you there -- I do the same thing with my husband. I tend to worry and mull over things and get it into my head until I actually say something to him, and then come to realize that it's not as big an issue with him, or he sees it a whole other (and not as scary or hairy) way!

 

talk to the guy, and be honest and open about the way you feel when it comes to doing things. I think once you see that he understands that you physically just can't do a lot of these things with him, even though you want to, things might settle down in you mind, and you'll find a solution that works for the both of you. Mind you, y'all might have strong words and feelings about it, but the main thing is, you're communicating honestly about the issue, and not leaving it like a ticking bomb to be "discovered" at the last minute.

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befuddled11

I remember one of your original posts about your fear of seizures triggered by "light"....because I'd never heard of that before and it sparked me to read up on it.

 

If I recall correctly, at the time you posted that (about a year or 2 ago, or more), you admitted that you were either 17 yrs old at the time that you had this "suspected" (it was not conclusively verified) seizure triggered by light......or else it had been 17 yrs ago. Or maybe it was even longer? (I believe you're in your 40s now).

 

I wondered then, as I wonder now, if you use this "seizure thing" as an excuse to not have to get out there and be social. If I recall correctly, you only had ONE of these alleged seizures. I'm not even sure how you could have been conclusively diagnosed with this disorder, based on one apparent seizure that a doctor wouldn't have even witnessed. Did you have an EEG done? (electro-encephalogram.....checks brain functioning/brain waves). Did you have extensive investigation?

 

No offense, but it all sounded sort of obscure to me way back then. You've apparently been living in fear, isolating yourself from many social situations (with lights, strobe lights, etc) based on this "ONE" apparent ?seizure you had almost 2 or more decades ago.

 

I get a real sense that you use this apparent disorder as a convenient excuse to stay at home and to not get out there in the world and do things with your poor fiance.

 

Just my 2 cents.

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