Don't want to be friends anymore!! How to tell??

[bigboss]

Hi guys

I've been having quite a bit of a dilemma lately about a friend and how to tell if I can take it to the next level. I'll try to explain it in detail without getting too boring and hopefully you guys can give me some advice.

 

So I've known this girl for nearly 3 years because we are doing the same course at university. To be honest, the last 3 years have been quite uneventful because I did have a slight interest in her but not quite enough to capitalize on it.

 

It was quite weird because although we talked occasionally, it was really occasionally and not really worth mentioning. But from time to time we did make plans and we went out to lunch a couple of times and had a dinner at a really expensive restaurant (on a uni student budget, $65 lobsters!! I don't care about the price but I'll explain later) and once I asked her out to an annual Ball for our degree and we had quite a good time.

 

But here's the thing, although we did go out occasionally, it was a totally 'friendly' atmosphere and there was no romantic tension or anything like that.

 

But now is where it gets interesting, I hope I haven't bored you guys to death by now.

 

Another university semester started and now we are living in the same dormitory (different buildings but same dorm, nonetheless). and we met 3 days ago and from then on, I have really taken an attraction to her and seeing her in a totally new light. So from 3 days ago, we would be texting each other and met for breakfast and dinner for the last 3 days. Been having some good conversation and she would come over to my room and I would go to her room. And yesterday night we went grocery shopping, then she decides she wants to go eat ice-cream at the beach and off we go. After the ice-cream, we walked along the beach for a bit before we came back to the dorm.

 

But today morning, it was quite cold when we met for breakfast; I asked her to give me her hand and she did so I grabbed it for maybe 5 seconds before she said "your hands don't feel that cold" and said "let go of my hand" before forcibly pulling her hand away. It got slightly awkward for a few minutes but then we acted like nothing happened. But something happened for me and I've been thinking about this the whole morning, afternoon, and dinner before I decided I need some help on this site!!

 

I'll make some quick pointers about what I noticed

 

-First of all, as of right now, I am her only friend at the dormitory and she is my only friend so we really only have each other to rely on so she could just be relying on me for a 'friendship'

 

-I would occasionally compliment her saying "you are pretty (not quite as idiot like that but fitting the mood" but she ignores my compliments and brushes it off.

 

-She is quite shy I guess and she's korean. Being from a korean culture, she's quite conservative, thus might not want to be seen holding my hand in public so fast.

 

-She does laugh at almost anything I say but this again could be because she's comfortable around me

 

-She isn't afraid to text me first to see what I'm doing or if I want to go eat food. And this again could be because she thinks of me as a friend and doesn't play that game.

 

-Since I am her only friend as of right now, she might just be being friendly and doesn't want to take it any further but wants to keep this friendship because it would be awkward to start avoiding each other, especially in a small place like a dormitory.

 

-She never gives me an opening to have a romantic crack at her and keeps everything in a 'friend' manner.

 

 

First of all, girls, would you go to fancy restaurants with a guy you have no feelings for?

 

Even when we were walking at the beach, she just kept things friendly and didn't give me an opening...Why would you even go to the beach at night with a guy you don't have feelings for?

 

Could she be using me to satisfy her need of a friend?

 

I don't think I can stay just being friends with her but it would be awkward if I get turned down and we have to start avoiding each other (which is what she is trying to avoid I guess?????)

 

How should I approach this matter?

 

Should I cool off from her and just maintain a casual contact with her only seeing her when it is absolutely unavoidable and just carry on with my uni life?

 

And lastly, do you think she has any feelings for me? and if not do you think I have any chance to reverse the matter?

 

THANK YOU FOR READING!! I hope to get some nice advice

[carhill]

A couple tidbits of advice:

 

You're never a woman's 'only friend'. That's a mind-fµck.

 

Yes, IME there are plenty of women who will use men for monetary (and emotional) support/things/purposes. Ergo, she could go out to a nice lobster dinner with you and not care one whit about getting to know you romantically. When you stated 'I don't care about the price', I presume this means you paid for it.

 

If you want to date her, ask her on a date, not to 'grab a lobster', not to 'hang out'. Ask her to do something cheap but romantic. Accept her answer. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. No means she gets the same treatment as any other male friend. You do have male friends, right? You know how that goes. A vagina doesn't entitle her to anything 'special'.

 

Good luck and please look around and ask out other young ladies. Your Korean shy female friend who has no other friends will certainly support you in that endeavor, presuming she's a friend.

[bigboss]

Hey thanks for the reply.

 

I think you are misunderstanding something though.

 

When I mean only friend, I mean only at the dormitories. At university, she has her girlsfriends but at the dorms, it's only us.

 

She has never said no to going somewhere with me and we even joked about how we won't have enough time to do all the things that we promised to do before the year's end.

 

Yes I did pay for that particular dinner but only because I insisted it. Yesterday when we went grocery shopping, I accidentally forgot to buy some tissues and she went and bought it for me, plus she paid for the ice-cream.

 

Haha I know I'm trying to sound optimistic but I appreciate your reply and I'll try to ask her out on a real date, although I don't know how it would be any different to what we've been doing already. Maybe I'll get to hold her hands properly this time? I'm quite shy too!!!

[carhill]

Presuming your cultural, religious or spiritual beliefs don't preclude sexual activity before marriage, sex and the attendant physical intimacy are what separate girlfriends from girl friends.

 

By investing a lot of time, energy, emotion and analysis into this girl friend, a girlfriend may slip right under your nose.

 

Are her girlfriends precluded from visiting the dormitories? Have you met her girlfriends? Like any of them? Remember, you're in college. You're not married.

[bigboss]

ok heres what happened today. i told her to walk to uni with me instead of driving there like she always does and in the morning we walked to uni. we had different classes so i told her i would come meet her when she finished uni so we can walk back together and she said she will text me when she finished. so i went to meet her when shes nearly finished with 2 cups of coffee and i dont see her anywhere. i give her a call and she says her friend has given her a lift and she took it because she disnt see me. i got so damn angry i threw the coffee on the ground and said i wasnt going to speak to her anymore. after 5 mins she tried to ring me a couple of times but i turned off my phone. i dont know wjat shes thinking...she didnt even call to see where i was and just took off. do u think shes purposefully playing me or she just didnt care about it.

 

what do you guys think i should do? should i keep ignoring her and give her the silent treatment or should i come forth, tell her how i feel and that i dont deserve such treatment and tell her i dont want to see her anymore?

 

inputs are appreciated and thanks

[carhill]

Ask other women on dates. A full social life, real or potential, means less investment in any one particular event or dynamic. If one fizzles, there is always a plan B.

 

Example: If I'm meeting up with a first date, I always set it up at a restaurant that I frequent and know the owners. So, if I get stood up, I still get a good meal, help out some friends with business and who knows who I'll meet while there. It's been a long time since I've been stood up, but I always plan for the rest and hope for the best. Ever since being married, plan B is a part of my life. I don't count on anything or anyone. Life is more relaxing that way.

[KathyM]

Hi guys

I've been having quite a bit of a dilemma lately about a friend and how to tell if I can take it to the next level. I'll try to explain it in detail without getting too boring and hopefully you guys can give me some advice.

 

So I've known this girl for nearly 3 years because we are doing the same course at university. To be honest, the last 3 years have been quite uneventful because I did have a slight interest in her but not quite enough to capitalize on it.

 

It was quite weird because although we talked occasionally, it was really occasionally and not really worth mentioning. But from time to time we did make plans and we went out to lunch a couple of times and had a dinner at a really expensive restaurant (on a uni student budget, $65 lobsters!! I don't care about the price but I'll explain later) and once I asked her out to an annual Ball for our degree and we had quite a good time.

 

But here's the thing, although we did go out occasionally, it was a totally 'friendly' atmosphere and there was no romantic tension or anything like that.

 

But now is where it gets interesting, I hope I haven't bored you guys to death by now.

 

Another university semester started and now we are living in the same dormitory (different buildings but same dorm, nonetheless). and we met 3 days ago and from then on, I have really taken an attraction to her and seeing her in a totally new light. So from 3 days ago, we would be texting each other and met for breakfast and dinner for the last 3 days. Been having some good conversation and she would come over to my room and I would go to her room. And yesterday night we went grocery shopping, then she decides she wants to go eat ice-cream at the beach and off we go. After the ice-cream, we walked along the beach for a bit before we came back to the dorm.

 

But today morning, it was quite cold when we met for breakfast; I asked her to give me her hand and she did so I grabbed it for maybe 5 seconds before she said "your hands don't feel that cold" and said "let go of my hand" before forcibly pulling her hand away. It got slightly awkward for a few minutes but then we acted like nothing happened. But something happened for me and I've been thinking about this the whole morning, afternoon, and dinner before I decided I need some help on this site!!

 

I'll make some quick pointers about what I noticed

 

-First of all, as of right now, I am her only friend at the dormitory and she is my only friend so we really only have each other to rely on so she could just be relying on me for a 'friendship'

 

-I would occasionally compliment her saying "you are pretty (not quite as idiot like that but fitting the mood" but she ignores my compliments and brushes it off.

 

-She is quite shy I guess and she's korean. Being from a korean culture, she's quite conservative, thus might not want to be seen holding my hand in public so fast.

 

-She does laugh at almost anything I say but this again could be because she's comfortable around me

 

-She isn't afraid to text me first to see what I'm doing or if I want to go eat food. And this again could be because she thinks of me as a friend and doesn't play that game.

 

-Since I am her only friend as of right now, she might just be being friendly and doesn't want to take it any further but wants to keep this friendship because it would be awkward to start avoiding each other, especially in a small place like a dormitory.

 

-She never gives me an opening to have a romantic crack at her and keeps everything in a 'friend' manner.

 

 

First of all, girls, would you go to fancy restaurants with a guy you have no feelings for?

 

Even when we were walking at the beach, she just kept things friendly and didn't give me an opening...Why would you even go to the beach at night with a guy you don't have feelings for?

 

Could she be using me to satisfy her need of a friend?

 

I don't think I can stay just being friends with her but it would be awkward if I get turned down and we have to start avoiding each other (which is what she is trying to avoid I guess?????)

 

How should I approach this matter?

 

Should I cool off from her and just maintain a casual contact with her only seeing her when it is absolutely unavoidable and just carry on with my uni life?

 

And lastly, do you think she has any feelings for me? and if not do you think I have any chance to reverse the matter?

 

THANK YOU FOR READING!! I hope to get some nice advice

You've known her for so long as just a friend, that that is how she thinks of you--just as a friend. It sounds like she wants to keep it that way--just on a friendship basis. Maybe it's time you had a talk with her and let her know that you would like to take the relationship out of the friendship level, and start to date her and see how it goes. I don't think she considers your outings as dating, but just as two friends going out together. You have to make your intentions known by talking to her about changing the status of your relationship with her. That's the only way you're going to get out of the friend zone.

[bigboss]

Yeh I would love to have a talk with her about getting out of the friendship zone but right now we are not talking to each other. Since yesterday when she stood me up, I can tell she's been avoiding me at the dorm.

I did see her at breakfast this morning but instead of sitting next to her and start bombarding her with questions on what the hell is going on with her, I just sat on another table. I'm sure she knew I was there and she purposefully went around me (to avoid our confrontation) to put the plates away before going back to her room. I didn't even see her put the plates away, even though I was in direct line of sight so I assume she avoided me.

 

Still no word from her and since we will most definitely likely have a confrontation sooner or later, what line of action should I take?

 

Also, why do you think she is avoiding me? Is it because she doesn't want to make matters worse or because she doesn't really care about what she did or what I think and was just playing me around until I got angry at her?

[sbh]

This post caught my attention as I ran into similar issue with my Korean coworker. In short, I known her for ~3 years, but just casual friend (she was in a different building). About a month ago, she was transferred to my building and we started seeing each other very frequently (daily, sometimes more than once plus weekends). We have a lot of common interests and getting along really well. Sometimes we hold hands while away from the praying eyes of other coworkers. Then suddenly she just started to ignore me with no explanation and things became really awkward. I stopped initiating any new conversation but felt really disappointed and even betrayed.

 

I do not meant to hijack this post with my issue, but one thing in common is she is also a Korean (living here in US for ~8 years). I wonder if this could be a factor? Does anyone has any experience or perspective on dealing with Korean and can provide any insight to this?

 

While I do not promote any kind of stereotyping, while researching my issue, I came across 2 posts about Korean women that were highly critical and very demeaning towards Korean woman.

 

http://youoffendmeyouoffendmyfamily.com/how-to-survive-a-date-with-a-korean-american-woman/

http://liljenn829.xanga.com/702961136/item/

 

While I think the content of those posts as rubbish/non-sense, I do think it is not a bad idea to think about the "sudden withdrawal" issue from cultural perspectives i.e. is this some kind of game/test that the Korean woman likes to play? What would be their expectation on the responses?

 

Mike

[jerry0503222]

Presuming your cultural, religious or spiritual beliefs don't preclude sexual activity before marriage, sex and the attendant physical intimacy are what separate girlfriends from girl friends.

 

By investing a lot of time, energy, emotion and analysis into this girl friend, a girlfriend may slip right under your nose.

 

Are her girlfriends precluded from visiting the dormitories? Have you met her girlfriends? Like any of them? Remember, you're in college. You're not married.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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