It's been a while....

[VivianLee]

.....since I posted...February to be exact....my husband asked me not to come to the site anymore, it had been about a week since he'd found out about my affair so I was pretty much agreeing to everything. I'm not trying to be deceitful but I have been sneaking on and off reading this site because I wanted to keep up with how the regular posters are doing (making sure they are okay and hopefully getting through their problems) and I need a place where I can read about people in my situation, a source of comfort, if you will....and I'm just very, very lonely....I'll get to that later though...

 

Background to the new posters.... I'd never dreamed of an affair even after my husband had one...in fact, that made me even more determined not to! BUT lo and behold, I came here because I was having an affair and wanted out. The relationship was going great but I knew it was wrong and wanted to stop.

I got great advice (on here) but didn't realize how addicted I was to this person till I tried to end it! The affair had been going on since November of 2002 but my husband didn't suspect anything till around January of 2004. He put a keyboard logger on the computer and found out!

 

We have agreed to work out the marriage and after many attempts to end the "talking" part of the affair, finally his wife found my number on his cellphone bill (it wasn't showing incoming calls til March) and called me, I realized, that the talking has to stop too. It's been hard....not hard in the way I need him as a man in my life, I talked to him all day all the time and it was alot of company to me....but of course it ended up cruelly hurting innocent people...

 

I had to go into complete trust mode with my husband after his affair, I was never able to check up on him to make sure it ended or to keep up with him staying away from other people...I have found the logger he placed on here and have read the text. I see what he sees but I also see what he is doing. I found him checking another woman's e-mail. I asked him about it and he said he was spying on her for her husband because her husband thought she might be cheating. I've been not sure what I should be "worthy" of being angry of but this did make me angry. First of all, it sounded like the stupidiest excuse but he swears it's the truth. So I believe him about 70%. Plus, I feel like who does he think he is being everyone's conscience? I told him he needs to mind his own business and let that be between she and her husband...

 

I have no privacy but I feel like I don't deserve it but I can't help but feel my situation is a bit unfair but my guilt gets in the way of asking for something different or knowing what I deserve.

 

I live in the middle of nowhere. My husband moved here when he left me after he told me of his affair. He didn't want to move back to our house in the city so I agreed to move here. I love it here, the house isn't as nice as my city house but after we finish remodeling it, it will be. Alot of things go wrong with the water so I've been without water on and off for the 3 years we've lived here but I love the privacy and location of where we live. Plus when I visit our house in the city, it depresses me because we were so unhappy there....

 

The thing is, my family, friends and church family are all an hour away from here....my husband was unfairly fired (his mother became sick and eventually died, he took 2 weeks off.....the company agrees it was unjust and are settling with us but it may take a year) and he's working in a temp position without benefits (something I've never experienced in my life) so we can't get our other vehicle fixed. I've been told the problem isn't expensive but he won't see to it. I'm afraid he may think I'll use it to go and see this OM BUT besides the fact the OM lives 2 hours away, I'm not seeing him anymore....

 

Today he went to register for college. I am proud of him and I support him but that is going to leave me even more stranded out here in the middle of nowhere...

I would like to work, go back to college or just head out to the store when I need something, I have been and am completely dependent on him for every move I make....

It is making it hard not to want to call the OM to just have someone to talk to....the idleness makes it's hard to stay occupied and move on...

 

To be fair, my husband is being the most attentive he's been in years...(I truly hope it's sincere, it would kill me if it isn't but he really didn't make these efforts till I found him checking that other chick's e-mail) and he seems to want me to be happy and loves me very much. I'm just confused as to what I should ask for in my life. My daugher thinks I'm selfish wanting a car when she doesn't have one. I feel wrong to complain (because of what I've done) but I'm lonely sometimes being stuck out here with no way to go....

 

I feel like I'm losing myself and my self worth. I'm a people person. I used to be quite the social butterfly back when I had access to people 24/7. I am writer and I have a column with quite a fan base but I still feel like I'm just not making a difference in life nor am I really being able to be an adult and have a life....

 

What makes this all the more confusing is throw in God and religion....my husband is a awesome minister and we have a wonderful church that needs us and seeks our advice and guidance all the time....I didn't confess the actual affair but I did repent of it (without naming the sin) to the congregation so I could be the minister's wife I should be with a clear conscience...but the church is an hour away and with my limitations, I can't do alot of "hand's on ministering" (I don't mean preach, I don't do that!!) over here....

 

I don't really know what I'm asking or even need...maybe I just wanted to vent to people that understand or at least are familar with my situation....I'm just confused as to what my rights and needs are in my family right now, since I let them down.....but I need something, I'm very lonely and feel I'm just fading into the background....

[FolderWife]

I'm not liking this one bit. The gist I get, is your husband, who is a MINISTER, had an affair. After this, you forgave him, but then YOU had an affair.

 

Now for some reason, he thinks he can pretty much put you on lock down, because you cheated? He cheated too? I understand your guilt, and of course I don't think you were justified, but why doesn't he get your vehicle fixed? Why is he still invading your privacy? As a minister, he not only cheated you, he cheated God too! Why do you feel he has a right to judge and control you when he did the same thing FIRST!

 

I say get your car fixed. Also, if I found out what church he ministers at, I wouldn't go

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Monday

I'm not liking this one bit. The gist I get, is your husband, who is a MINISTER, had an affair. After this, you forgave him, but then YOU had an affair.

 

Now for some reason, he thinks he can pretty much put you on lock down, because you cheated? He cheated too? I understand your guilt, and of course I don't think you were justified, but why doesn't he get your vehicle fixed? Why is he still invading your privacy? As a minister, he not only cheated you, he cheated God too! Why do you feel he has a right to judge and control you when he did the same thing FIRST!

 

I say get your car fixed. Also, if I found out what church he ministers at, I wouldn't go

 

Monday, I totally understand your disgust with my husband cheating and being a minister....however, no one is perfect, not ministers, deacons, Sunday School teachers or Christians....we/they should know better and do better but we are still sinners by nature, we are going to fall and sometimes fall very, very far!!

 

He left the ministry when the affair started and didn't resume preaching until he repented, got therapy and we got back together. That's been over 3 years ago. The congregation is aware of what happened with him.

 

Now I don't know what my role should be right now considering my affair (it officially ended in Jan), we have kept silent about it but I don't for my sake (I have told my parents) but because my husband and daughter don't want it "out" so I keep silent for their sakes....I don't teach SS class nor do I have any role in the congregation right now, I don't feel it's appropriate even though God's forgiven me, I think I should get my marriage, life and soul back in order before I take any roles in the church...

 

You are going to find the church filled with people that are trying to do what's right but most won't but I don't think they should give up....

 

I still don't totally understand why I did to another woman what I had done to me, I was never selfish and cruel by nature....I always wanted to do what's right and what God wanted....then I went totally the opposite of what I was and became exactly what I hated!!

 

My husband is passive-agressive and co-dependent (he was diagnosed in therapy)...alot of that probably contributes to what he is doing (on and off our marriage, I've been isolated in different aspects), I don't know if he knows what he's doing (by keeping me in a sort of over-controlled environment) if he does, I don't know if he knows what damage it's doing...on top of it all....I'm still trying to figure out if I have a right to question anything right now....I feel so badly for what I've done to everyone!!

[HokeyReligions]

It sounds like you need to be in therapy too, to help you deal with your own self-doubts and feelings of self-worth. You can't be kept isolated - you need to be with people for your own healing. If you don't heal from this then neither will your marriage.

 

I don't know what kind of advice or consolation I can offer -- but I hope that you can continue to come back to LS and read and post! Your opinions and advice is valuable to others we could use your insight here. You would be contributing to an on-line community. If your husband is reading what you post then he will be able to see that you are valued here and that you are not doing anything unethical or hurtful.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

It sounds like you need to be in therapy too, to help you deal with your own self-doubts and feelings of self-worth. You can't be kept isolated - you need to be with people for your own healing. If you don't heal from this then neither will your marriage.

 

I don't know what kind of advice or consolation I can offer -- but I hope that you can continue to come back to LS and read and post! Your opinions and advice is valuable to others we could use your insight here. You would be contributing to an on-line community. If your husband is reading what you post then he will be able to see that you are valued here and that you are not doing anything unethical or hurtful.

 

 

If my husband current job becomes permanent, then we will be getting the benefits (insurance and such) and I will run straight to a therapist!! That's number one on my list!!

 

I really enjoyed posting here before and even though I don't have the answers, I can at least tell what experience has taught me....I'm hoping he'll be okay with it!

[meanon]

Vivian, you are losing yourself and letting it happen because of the guilt. Will it benefit your family if you slide into isolation and depression? You have forgiven your husband his affair and learned to trust him again. You are sincere in your remorse (I remember your thread). I know these things can't be forced but your husband should be actively striving to give you the forgiveness and trust which you gave him. Tell him what you need, ask how you can reassure his doubts but make it clear that self annihilation is not an option.

 

There is a worrying imbalance of power in your relationship. You had to trust him right away after his affair. He left you but chose to move house on his return. Now he is still determining what you do but you accept it as what you deserve, though you know it is unfair. At least consider the possibility that this has always been a feature of your marriage, regardless of the affairs.

 

You have come a long way in overcoming the problems you have faced, clearly the survival of the marriage is of utmost importance to you both. Part of a happy marriage is having two healthy participants. Act on the warning signs, Vivian, before the situation gets any worse.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by meanon

Vivian, you are losing yourself and letting it happen because of the guilt. Will it benefit your family if you slide into isolation and depression? You have forgiven your husband his affair and learned to trust him again. You are sincere in your remorse (I remember your thread). I know these things can't be forced but your husband should be actively striving to give you the forgiveness and trust which you gave him. Tell him what you need, ask how you can reassure his doubts but make it clear that self annihilation is not an option.

 

There is a worrying imbalance of power in your relationship. You had to trust him right away after his affair. He left you but chose to move house on his return. Now he is still determining what you do but you accept it as what you deserve, though you know it is unfair. At least consider the possibility that this has always been a feature of your marriage, regardless of the affairs.

 

You have come a long way in overcoming the problems you have faced, clearly the survival of the marriage is of utmost importance to you both. Part of a happy marriage is having two healthy participants. Act on the warning signs, Vivian, before the situation gets any worse.

 

If I were about 10 years younger (I'm 37), I wouldn't notice this imbalance of power in our relationship. My mother used to bring it up when I was younger but I just thought she was "being a mother in law" but as I get a bit older and hopefully wiser, I see it. With my guilt, I'm having a hard time filing away what my rights are versus what my remorse should be.

 

When I finally woke up from whatever pathetic place I was and realized how much hurt I'd caused with my affair, my first thoughts were to "fix it"!! When the OM's wife called me, I let her call me every name in the book, I let her say whatever she wanted (sometimes she speculated alot of things that weren't true about my character) about my character and I basically just let her "get it all out" (that would have been a luxury for me if I could have done that with my husband's OW) because I knew it would be good for her in the long run. I deserved it and she deserved to say it but it hurt to hear those things and to know most of them were true and that I'd hurt that poor woman and almost caused a home to break up.

 

I've caused alot of problems for myself, I did so well during my husband's affair, I improved my life, got counseling even got medication when it was needed. The thing is, that imbalance you mentioned was worse during that time. Instead of him being the one remorseful (he later was), I took on that role (the woman he was with was so awful, that at first I wanted to keep him from her for my daughter's sake) of the one making things work. He had me so convinced his affair was my fault that I bent over backwards to make it up to him...

 

After the dust settled, I realized that I was changed (for the good) but he hadn't really (other than not cheating with her) and I was still unhappy in the marriage as was before he had the affair.....

 

I know he sounds like an tyrant but he doesn't come across that way and he really isn't. He's very gentle, sweet and kind. He never really even approaches me directly with my limitations or his spying, he does it mostly secretly or quietly so there's not much to jump on or to protest...he's completely a passive-aggressive...

 

Despite all the hurt and horror my affair caused, the affair and remorse I feel has caused myself to get into a worse position with a problem (imbalance of power) that's been in our marriage since the beginning....

 

I appreciate all and any advice people (as yourself Meanon ) have to give....

[meanon]

I'm guessing but maybe part of your motivation was a misguided attempt to strike back, redress the balance.

 

He has had therapy and I hope this has helped him gain some insight. You need to talk to him about it. He wants the marriage to work, you need to show him why change is necessary. Discuss the specific things you need to gain a degree of privacy and personal fullfillment. If he demonstrates a lack of trust, be compassionate and try and find compromises but also gently remind him that you trusted him absolutely after his affair and now it's his turn to demonstrate the same committment to you and the marriage. Explain that it is what you need for your well being, not simply what you desire. Tell him of your fears for your health and your marriage if you continue in this downward spiral. Ask for his help. Good luck

[Embee]

If you were so happy in your marriage after your husband had the affair, then why did you go out and do the same? Your daughter knows about this? You people need help. There is a lot of burried anger and resentment here and who knows what your daughters construct is of "family" and "marriage." Sad very sad.

[meanon]

If you read Vivian's last thread, Embee, you would see that she could not be more remorseful, that she did not tell her daughter and that her concern for her child is self evident. We all like to think we would not make mistakes in life but how can we judge when we have not experienced what they have?

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Embee

If you were so happy in your marriage after your husband had the affair, then why did you go out and do the same? Your daughter knows about this? You people need help. There is a lot of burried anger and resentment here and who knows what your daughters construct is of "family" and "marriage." Sad very sad.

 

A minor point but I didn't say I was happy in my marriage after the affair...here's a quote from my earlier post

 

"I was still unhappy in the marriage as was before he had the affair..."

 

Being unhappy in a marriage isn't an excuse to have an affair....Yes, my daughter knows about both affairs and only God knows what in the world she thinks about God, parent's, marriage, relationships, trust....

 

Yes "we people" need help and it's sad very sad for everyone involved BUT be very careful how you sit back, and think how you would NEVER do such a thing...my husband and myself talk about "those kinds of people" too....before you know it, you are "those kind of people that need help".....I'm not disagreeing we are wrong and messed up just step very carefully around any "bouts" of NEVER and WOULDN'T....you'll be surprise where you could find yourself...I'm not saying this out of anger...it's a good word of advice, maybe the only good advice I can give...

 

Meanon...I am working on discussing this with him, I've tried a bit but it comes out all wrong....I'm not suppose to bring up his affair ever again so I have to tip toe around that subject but get my point across....

 

P.S. My husband told my daughter about his and my affair...I wish to goodness he hadn't and am not sure why he did....

[Embee]

Sorry Vivian but I read that sentence totally wrong. I thought it said happy and not "unhappy."

 

It is horrible that your husband told your daughter.

It sounds as though you are keeping down tremendous amounts of anger and resentment.

 

Don't wait one more minute to get counseling. This is a mess.

No, I can't imagine being in your situation. I don't think I could possibly forgive my husband if he had an affair.

 

What do you want for yourself in life, for your daughter and where do you see this marriage going?

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Embee

Sorry Vivian but I read that sentence totally wrong. I thought it said happy and not "unhappy."

 

It is horrible that your husband told your daughter.

It sounds as though you are keeping down tremendous amounts of anger and resentment.

 

Don't wait one more minute to get counseling. This is a mess.

No, I can't imagine being in your situation. I don't think I could possibly forgive my husband if he had an affair.

 

What do you want for yourself in life, for your daughter and where do you see this marriage going?

 

 

Embee, on paper, it does sound like a mess....but believe it or not, we are all healing, it's taking ALOT of time. I don't know why my husband told my daughter about both affairs, he has always thought she could handle more than she can for her age.....

 

I think I do have alot of anger and resentment and had alot before my affair but I honestly didn't realize it. I suppressed alot of my feelings....at the beginning of my husband confessing till we moved back in together (5 months later)....I had to work out the marriage and how I felt about the affair, according to his rules. I'm not a wuss or a beaten down kind of person, I just didn't want him moving across the U.S. to be with that woman, her 4 kids and possibly taking my child with him. Plus, I loved him and according to our religion, he was headed to Hell and I didn't want him to go there. I should have trusted God enough to let him take care of my husband's spiritual life and I needed to take care of myself. I did have my times of pitching a fit in anger.

 

I think I let pride also get in the way of my healing. Everyone down to my therapist was telling me how together I was and how well I was handling it so instead of taking the normal channels that a normal human being takes to deal with this, I started seeing myself as "superwoman" and at the time, I ATE UP compliments because the affair had me so down on myself....it was a vicious cycle!

 

My husband has since not only repented before God but after he got into therapy, he felt the true remorse of his actions. To this day, when he's at our other house, he will tell me he's so sorry for what happened....

 

What do I want for my daughter, myself and where do I see my marriage going?

 

I want my daughter to have the security of knowing her parent's are being respondsible in their lives and for hers. I want her to get counseling where she can work out her hurt, anger and confusion about what love and life should be. Actually there are so many things I want for her, it's impossible to write them all. I'm doing my best right now to make it up to her, just by letting her know I'm sorry and that I'm being what I should be...

 

For myself...tons of therapy!! Go back to college and pursue even more venues with my writing. Heck all I'd ask for right now is to have the freedom to jump in my car and head out to the store and get toliet paper whenever I want to....

 

I want my marriage to heal. I would like to see myself 20 years from now (we've been married 18) being married to my husband and being happy because we are being genuine and good to each other. I truly love my husband, I'm in love with him (I'm not saying this because of the keyboard logger, besides I know how to delete things now ) and I think he is the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, we have had something good all these years BUT we are apparently so messed up individually that we were killing our marriage (the problems didn't come to a surface till we'd been married 15 years). I think we can make it, I surely hope we can, I'd like to think that the people we've been in the past is just that "people of the past".....I guess time and therapy will tell!

[meanon]

Heck all I'd ask for right now is to have the freedom to jump in my car and head out to the store and get toliet paper whenever I want to....

 

This sounds like a prison sentence

 

The love is good, the healing is good. Yes it will take time but take steps quickly to address the lack of privacy and basic freedom. No-one should suffer this, no-one. Besides, you will drain your resources to continue improving the marriage if you can not cope. Discuss, explain but also act now to regain your personal space and identity. It's not his to take, no matter what you have done.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by meanon

This sounds like a prison sentence

 

The love is good, the healing is good. Yes it will take time but take steps quickly to address the lack of privacy and basic freedom. No-one should suffer this, no-one. Besides, you will drain your resources to continue improving the marriage if you can not cope. Discuss, explain but also act now to regain your personal space and identity. It's not his to take, no matter what you have done.

 

Thanks Meanon....I'm working on getting our current 2nd vehicle fixed, that's the first step in gaining my freedom then I shall see how things go when I try to leave the house by myself. I haven't been able to test that since, I don't have a car all day while he's at work and my daughter is in school....I have gone places with just my daughter plus I went to the hospital (when my father was very ill) by myself one time.....I guess the real test will be once I have a car and can come and go all day alone.....

[meanon]

You said you were relying on him to get the car fixed. Is a brief spell of part time work a option? If you tell him that's what you will have to do he may realise you mean business and get it fixed.

 

Good Luck, Vivian

[VivianLee]

Good Luck, Vivian

 

 

Thanks Meanon! I believe this will work out. We are doing so well in every other aspect of our marriage right now....so if we can work out this "pre-existing" problem that has been in our marriage from day one, we'll be on our way...I'm a big time reader so I need to find some books concerning this....hey, I need to break out that "Boundaries" book my Mama gave me a few years ago....