Thieves Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 For those that have been through a few break ups before, do you, or can you ever get to a point where you're able to talk to your ex normally without all these huge emotions getting in the way? Is it possible to be truly indifferent towards them, even when they talk about their other girlfriends/boyfriends, or will you always have this weird urge to avoid them or talk about what happened between you two? If so, is there a certain time frame for this? Because I've noticed that even though it's been 7 months NC for me, I feel like if I were to talk to 'him' now, I would still feel kind of uncomfortable knowing that: 1) He has a girlfriend, and 2) he doesn't care for me in that way anymore. And then I get sad, and then it seems like the process starts all over again. Annoying! Is this something I'll always feel or will I eventually be able to talk to him like any other person (which would be a nice change!)...? Because to be honest, it's not looking so good now... Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 For each person it is different. You will know it when it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
amethyste Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 For each person it is different. You will know it when it happens. True. Sincerely, I don't wanna talk to him again. Link to post Share on other sites
thelovingkind Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Kind of like a watched pot, it tends to happen when you stop anticipating it. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I feel like if I were to talk to 'him' now, I would still feel kind of uncomfortable knowing that: 1) He has a girlfriend, and 2) he doesn't care for me in that way anymore. And then I get sad, and then it seems like the process starts all over again. Annoying! Is this something I'll always feel or will I eventually be able to talk to him like any other person (which would be a nice change!)...? Because to be honest, it's not looking so good now... i know just how you feel. i made the mistake of breaking 2.5 months of NC back in february. i had thought that enough time had passed and we could be friends. but after listening to him talking about the girls he as dating and hiim urging me to go out and date other guys (which clearly meant he didn't care about me anymore - - at least not in the way i wanted him to care) i went back to NC. i guess it depends on the intensity of the relationship. in my case i don't think i'll ever be able to go back to being friends with him because he was my first everything. if i ever do get to the point where i'm comfortable hearing that stuff it will be years from now. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Theives- ah I too cant wait for that, but I question when/how itll happen. My ex is in my life for the indefinite future (many, many mutual friends, invited to all the same events, lives in an apartment with a few of our close friends, etc). After about 5 months- I still feel ill in my stomach around him. I always want to talk about wtf happened, I hate hearing about other girls when I do. I hope the indifference comes!! Like someone said about, it is like a "watched pot" I suppose..maybe one day we can just wake up, and bam we feel indifferent. I find my struggle in getting to indifference is that I do not know how to forgive all he has done post breakup to me. However, I would be ok if I never had to see him again Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Funny seeing this as I've just spoken to mine today after 4 months of NC (but with a few texts back and forth in the last few weeks). I feel kinda' indifferent to it. I mean, I know I still have feelings for her, strong ones, but it's like I'm accepting of it now. She will only ever be a friend, nothing more. So when we chatted, and it was very much like old times, I was fine with it and enjoyed it. I think it does depend on how long the relationship lasted, how intense it was, how the break up occured... etc. If my break up had been bad instead of mutual I don't think I'd even want to talk to an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 when you wake up one day, and without realization you notice "hey, i don't give a fk anymore". that's when it's safe. had that just yesterday with an old ex of mine from 5 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
jquest1280 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Yes, the time will come. It will happen gradually, but it will take a long time. Mine took over 4 years. Do useful things with that time and as someone said, don't watch the pot. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 For those that have been through a few break ups before, do you, or can you ever get to a point where you're able to talk to your ex normally without all these huge emotions getting in the way? Is it possible to be truly indifferent towards them, even when they talk about their other girlfriends/boyfriends, or will you always have this weird urge to avoid them or talk about what happened between you two? If so, is there a certain time frame for this? Because I've noticed that even though it's been 7 months NC for me, I feel like if I were to talk to 'him' now, I would still feel kind of uncomfortable knowing that: 1) He has a girlfriend, and 2) he doesn't care for me in that way anymore. And then I get sad, and then it seems like the process starts all over again. Annoying! Is this something I'll always feel or will I eventually be able to talk to him like any other person (which would be a nice change!)...? Because to be honest, it's not looking so good now... Seriously? Never. I personally think that deep down, I will never let go of my feelings- but I'll sure as hell act hard to hide them! Link to post Share on other sites
J0N Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Yes. My ex ex and I have actually become pretty good friends recently, after 6 months of being broken up with current ex. I ran into her and apologized for being such a jerk when we broke up. She said no hard feelings and said that we should catch up sometime, so I took her up on it. It had been over 4 years of total NC, during that time we had both fallen in love with other people and been dumped by them. When we first started hanging out, I made it very clear that I wanted NOTHING more than to be just friends. We now hang and talk somewhat regularly, she asks me for advice on a lot of things and when ever I need a girls opinion on something I usually ask her. We have discussed getting back together, but mutually decided that it would be best if we just stayed friends. I would say that once you fall in love with somebody else, and totally forgive each other and bury the hatchet it is possible. I know that this is unlikely, and for those four years of NC I figured that we would never talk again and that she hated me. I am currently in the "I will probably never speak to her again," stage with my current ex. Who knows, I am not expecting to ever hear from her again so I will not be let down if I don't. If you try to re-connect with your ex before you are 100% over it, it will be very detrimental to your recovery from the breakup. SO DONT RUSH IT! Link to post Share on other sites
Arlia Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I long for the day I can be neutral towards my ex, although I cannot even imagine it now. Also, deep inside me, I'm scared of becoming like this, scared of losing my love for her because that will mean buyring my relationship and the memories with her. Right now I'm trying to survive, it's been 4 months since the BU, but only 2 weeks since I had my 2nd closure (I tried to rekindle the R/S, but she likes someone else and does not love me anymore ). Life is tough but I'm maintaining NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 By the time you would be okay talking to them you realize you have nothing to say to them. Or would WANT to say to them... unless its along the lines of "Look how awesome I'm doing without you lol". Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Just to add to this - has anyone else experienced the situation where you're finally fully over an ex, then you bump into them and become friends, only for them to start having feelings again.. but you don't! I've had that and it's so wierd. I was the dumpee and went through all the stages until finally I was over her. We met up a few years later and everything seemed fine and we got along. Clearly being with me opened up some regrets whereas for me I'd lost any love I had for her. I had to let her down gently (even though many may have told her serves you right) and we parted company again. I will also say that meeting an ex and having no emotional attachment to them anymore but just being able to be friends is often very strange. You can remember that you did feel strongly for them, but you can't remember how that actually felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thieves Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 By the time you would be okay talking to them you realize you have nothing to say to them. This may be what I'm afraid of, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
mr.goodguy Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 "By the time you would be okay talking to them you realize you have nothing to say to them." great line. life is too precious to be trying to catch one particular fish when others are swimming by. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Originally Posted by Duckduckgoose By the time you would be okay talking to them you realize you have nothing to say to them. This may be what I'm afraid of, to be honest. I'm scared of this too. But it's happened before and it'll happen this time too... no matter how much you hold on, you will move on eventually. Just allow yourself take the small good moments when you can. For instance, I had a short conversation with a stranger today, and man oh man was he handsome! Made me a little flustered. Made me giggle afterward. Life is good Link to post Share on other sites
Finch Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 This may be what I'm afraid of, to be honest. Realizing you have nothing to say to an ex only seems like a bad thing when you are still too close to the end of the relationship to have gained a clear perspective. Can you imagine if memories never faded? Yes, we'd remember all the wonderful things that happen to us, but we'd also never be able to move on from the bad. They'd be right there, like they just happened. Our ability to forget, to lose interest, and to let go are part of what makes us human, and what allows us to heal. It's a good thing, not something to fear. Reaching that point where you no longer have any interest in your ex means you can move on to a new relationship without carrying along the baggage from the old one. In a sense when the feelings are gone you get to be reborn from the trials of your past - wiser, stronger, and with a better idea of what your wants and needs are. Link to post Share on other sites
Damia Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 By the time you would be okay talking to them you realize you have nothing to say to them. Or would WANT to say to them... unless its along the lines of "Look how awesome I'm doing without you lol". I love this quote! Yea!I can not wait for it to happen:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Originally Posted by Duckduckgoose By the time you would be okay talking to them you realize you have nothing to say to them. I'm scared of this too. But it's happened before and it'll happen this time too... no matter how much you hold on, you will move on eventually. Just allow yourself take the small good moments when you can. For instance, I had a short conversation with a stranger today, and man oh man was he handsome! Made me a little flustered. Made me giggle afterward. Life is good this was a scary idea for me at first. but after awhile, when i truly realized that i didn't have anything to say to him - - it really didn't bother me at all. because a.) i knew i had said everything i needed to say (ad naseum) and b.) anything else i have to say to him is better off unsaid because it's not going to make a difference, anyway. as depressing as that may sound it actually was my "a-ha" moment. because it released me from any sort of desire to seek closure from him ever again (closure really does come from within) and made me realize what a huge favor i had done to myself by cutting off all contact with. it enabled me to take the focus off of him and enjoy the fun random exciting moments life has to offer (like ScienceGal mentioned) Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Depend on where you are in life. i would say 2 years or more, when you get to a point in life that the ex doesnt belong to any of it anymore. and it you got some closure, it would be even faster, a year and a half or so, but no sooner than that. Link to post Share on other sites
triphopper414 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Don't talk to him unless you are ready. Seriously, don't force the conversation. You may not be ready. Do not pick a scab. I really want to talk to my former SO, but I am not ready. I really want to check his twitter account, but I am not ready. My mouse hovers over his picture on facebook chat, but I am not ready. I will talk to him eventually and I set a date to talk to him just so I can measure my own emotional progress and try to make myself stronger by that time. If I am not ready by that time, I am not ready. The time I plan to talk to him is 2.5 months from today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thieves Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 Don't talk to him unless you are ready. Seriously, don't force the conversation. You may not be ready. Do not pick a scab. I really want to talk to my former SO, but I am not ready. I really want to check his twitter account, but I am not ready. My mouse hovers over his picture on facebook chat, but I am not ready. I will talk to him eventually and I set a date to talk to him just so I can measure my own emotional progress and try to make myself stronger by that time. If I am not ready by that time, I am not ready. The time I plan to talk to him is 2.5 months from today. Sounds reasonable enough. If I'm being honest with myself, I've been hoping almost every day that I could talk to him, thinking I'd be just fine and dandy. But whenever I'd log on to whatever social network/messenger and saw he never texted me or anything, I would get this sinking feeling... not all the time, but often enough. So that's obviously a clue that I'm not ready, right? I guess I should really follow your lead and just give up on it altogether until a few months from now... Link to post Share on other sites
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