KathyM Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Kathy, yes, many OWs did cross a line getting involved in As with MM. However, we did not remove their choice in the situation. Since DDay, I've read on the infidelity board on this site, and other infidelity sites, what BSs go thru. For the most part, many women all remark on how they knew something was not right. They knew that their Hs were doing something and they went looking for clues. That's how they got caught. Very few MM confess, they wait until they are confronted and many BSs confront with limited proof or some that have been through it a few times wait until they have some. So right out of the gate they have the choice to believe the story the MM feeds them or believe the evidence. Personally, I've never felt the need to check my ex-H's Email or a BF's for that matter. So I don't know that intuitive feeling I've read about. It sounds fairly universal, however. So BSs have a choice - believe the evidence, even if limited, or believe the story. And if you choose the latter, then you have to deal with those consequences. My MM still Emails me. His BS still checks my crap. They are on a family freaking vacation and I've had my LinkedIn checked TWICE today by her. Jeez. Whatever. So she chose to ACT like she believes him (2nd DDay, same stupid story), insisted on MC, and now she's looking for clues with me. Because she doesn't believe him. So she made what looks like a choice, but she may make another down the road. If she contacts me, I will speak with her. I will tell her the truth. But I will not Email her directly. She made her choice to go this route. I don't know why. She has to live with it. But I'm making a choice to not tell her anything proactively but I've committed to telling the truth if approached and MM knows that. I told him I would. Don't you see that you and the MM are taking away her choices? I don't know what the BS has been informed of in your case--probably very limited knowledge. But most affairs are never found out. Or if the wife suspects something, and does a little investigating, she may find out limited information and not know what to believe. If she does come across anything suspicious, the MM has probably minimized it, or made it sound like nothing or something benign--such as saying he was just joking around with somebody, or she's just a friend, or whatever. When the wife is kept in the dark, which is most of the time, her choices are taken away from her. She should have the honest truth so that she can make choices about her life. So she can have a choice of whether to leave and find someone she can trust, or to stay and work on the marriage. When she is kept in the dark, both of those choices are taken away from her, and she is left to think that nothing is wrong, or at least nothing major if she does find out a few tidbits of information. It makes the BS crazy to suspect something is wrong, or have some intuition that something is wrong, but have no way of knowing what the truth is. Very unfair to the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Obviously she does not believe him and is looking for any shred of evidence to boot his behind out. She has to be in so much pain and going psycho if she keeps checking up on you. Why not take this woman out of her misery? Forward his emails to her. It's a simple kindness. Exactly. You'd be doing her a favor by giving her the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 But what if BW still chooses to believe WS's account even after being faced with "evidence" to the contrary? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 But what if BW still chooses to believe WS's account even after being faced with "evidence" to the contrary? So what if they choose not to believe? Wouldn't that constitute a choice made by the person crapped on about their own life? The problem is....... Link to post Share on other sites
INeverWillAgain Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Actually Thomas, you are being hard on Turning. If you read her prior threads, she has a lot of remorse for her actions. Please don't start with the drama. I really like your posts, but this one was not cool and Turning is in a bad place right now and doesn't need any more dumping on. Ok? Turning.....don't let the opinions of 1-2 people affect you. YOU know what you feel. YOU have owned your past actions. Don't be drawn into a 'war of words'. You are better than that. **hugs** FO: Thank you (again). I hope sometime I can repay the kindness youve shown me (TT) over these past couple of months. Ive taken some time to cool off and start to sort things out. Its really time to start healing and moving on. I have found things are never really over until you let go completely. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 But what if BW still chooses to believe WS's account even after being faced with "evidence" to the contrary? Then that is her choice. Maybe she would rather not know or pretend everything is going to be okay.. either way, it's her right to decide that, even if you disagree and it bugs you. You also have to keep in mind, those things he told you, he may have meant during certain moments and honestly, an affair is based on IN the moment feelings, feeling good, happy and having fun --It isn't reality. That glue that you probably felt towards him was strong but it may not have been so strong for you. He has a stronger glue and bond with his wife and family, reguardless if he told you he loved you, wanted to marry you.. Fact is, it's all about him and he got away with having two women in his life to meet his needs, he got busted and now it's over, he's chosen to be with his wife, and she's accepted that he made some bad mistakes. I'm sure he is BEGGING her (though doubtful he's told you this) and throwing you under the bus big time. Link to post Share on other sites
fellhard4u Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Then that is her choice. Maybe she would rather not know or pretend everything is going to be okay.. either way, it's her right to decide that, even if you disagree and it bugs you. You also have to keep in mind, those things he told you, he may have meant during certain moments and honestly, an affair is based on IN the moment feelings, feeling good, happy and having fun --It isn't reality. That glue that you probably felt towards him was strong but it may not have been so strong for you. He has a stronger glue and bond with his wife and family, reguardless if he told you he loved you, wanted to marry you.. Fact is, it's all about him and he got away with having two women in his life to meet his needs, he got busted and now it's over, he's chosen to be with his wife, and she's accepted that he made some bad mistakes. I'm sure he is BEGGING her (though doubtful he's told you this) and throwing you under the bus big time. He did indeed do and say all of those things and he chose to stay in the M with BW, the very person whom he criticized, ridiculed and disrespected up until the very day of DDay. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 He did indeed do and say all of those things and he chose to stay in the M with BW, the very person whom he criticized, ridiculed and disrespected up until the very day of DDay. If you read LS, you'll learn that some MM say a lot of things during an A. Some even make up stories such as their W being really sick, in order to gain more sympathy from the OW. You may never know what was really true because the MM was in a mode of deception in order to have a secret A. This means closure has to come from you. It's difficult, but if you focus on the goal you want - being happy without MM - and don't focus on MM's life, things will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 [QUOTE=fellhard4u;3540794]He did indeed do and say all of those things and he chose to stay in the M with BW, the very person whom he criticized, ridiculed and disrespected up until the very day of DDay. Yes, and then, at that moment - he turned it all around and it became the OW whom he criticized, ridiculed and disrespected . MM that have affairs with SW...are the very best manipulators and liars. Its all part of the Sport of getting what they want all the time and saying whatever they have to to get it. If either the BS or the OW thinks they know the "truth" they are wrong because he makes it up as he goes along. OW is manipulated from the get go. BS is manipulated on & after D-Day. Who is the fool? Not one more than the other. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 TT... I know this happened a couple of months ago and I am just now reading this. ARGH!!! I'm so sorry girl. I've had that happen to me before. How are you doing now???? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts