Girlfriend-Liar, alcoholic. Cheater too??

[Corydm]

I had been dating a girl for about two months when she started having problems with her heart (rapid heart beat), so I told her that I would take her to the doctor. I took her, and when she was finished she came out to my car and got in, with two testing sheets (basically a referral to go to a lab/clinic to get tests done) I knew she was going to get one to get tests done for her heart, and I was curious to see what the testing entailed so I asked her to look at it.

 

She hands me the two sheets, and the first one is indeed a referral to get tests done for her heart. I look at the second one, and it was a referral to get tested for STD's. I immediately thought this was strange, as she didn't mention anything beforehand about getting tested for STD's, and that wasn't what I took her there for. As soon as I started looking at it, she said "the doctor wanted me to get tested for everything, because of my ex." (about six months earlier, she had split up with her husband, who she claimed had started having an affair). I still thought this was strange, because she had previously told me that she got tested for STD's as soon as she split up with him), and it made no sense to me that STD's are in any way related to a rapid heart beat. How does the subject of her ex and STD's come up with the doctor when she went there for a rapid heart beat?? I took her word for it, because I assumed at the time that she was honest. I still thought it was strange though, and it was always kind of in the back of my mind.

 

Her brother plays in a band, and she would go out at night, basically by herself (she didn't really have any female friends, and I work nights) to bars to watch him play. I would talk to her before she went out, and she would always say that she wouldn't be out late, and that she would text me or call when she got home. I would not end up hearing a peep from her until the next day, where it would be revealed that she didn't even end up going home at all (she was living with her mom and step dad). She told me that a few of the times she went and stayed at her brothers place for the night. I kind of took her word for it, and assumed that she wouldn't be doing anything wrong, or lying to me. This began to be a recurring theme though; she would go out at night, say she wouldn't be late and that she would call or text, and I wouldn't hear from her until the next day. I told her I wasn't cool with her not going home at night, and that I wasn't cool with her telling me she would text or call, and then not hearing anything from her. She would apologize and say it would stop; that she would at least call or text, but the next night she went out it would be the same thing.

 

Fast forward a little bit, to when I come to realize that she is a hard core alcoholic (I saw the signs right from the start, but of course she lied and denied, until she couldn't deny it any more) and that she is a liar, and that she has possible mental problems (I found out from her mom that she rips her own hair out, and just the behavior I witnessed her exhibit).

 

The fact of the matter is (which I found out) that when she was going out to the bar, she was drinking at home long before she even left, and no doubt getting hammered during the course of the night. She originally tried to paint a totally different picture about going out to the bar. She said she wasn't drinking, and that she liked to go just because she liked to take pictures of her brothers band. She is a party girl, which she claimed not to be when I first met her. I began to catch her in many lies, and this was one of the first ones. She would tell me just ridiculous lies, that even a five year old kid would know is not the truth. That is how outrageous her lies were, and her actions were not matching up with her words.

 

Once I realized that she is a liar, and that she had been lying to me, it brought me back to the whole STD testing incident. I started thinking about it, and I took her to the doctor on my day off, which was a Tuesday, and the weekend before that was one of the weekends that she went out at night and didn't come home.

 

Her story about getting tested seemed unbelievable to me at first, before I knew she was a liar, and even more so now that I knew she's a liar. I asked her about it. She said the same thing, that her doctor told her to get tested for everything because of her ex. I just didn't believe her story. She claims she got tested because of her ex after she split up with him, and If I was the only guy she had been with since (and she knew I'm clean), why would she get tested again, and say it's because of concerns over her ex? I believe that she got tested because something happened one of the nights she went out and got drunk and didn't go home, and that she was worried she caught something, and I told her so. She swore up and down that she didn't cheat (not that anyone would actually ADMIT it anyway), that she's "not like that". The fact of the matter is that her story about getting tested doesn't make much sense, just like many of the other stories she told me.

 

I went to talk to her step dad after she left town one day, complete with a ridiculous lie about where and why she was going (she went to stay with her ex husbands mom, and to no doubt see him, which of course she denied). I went to talk with her step dad, to get some answers and some truth. He told me everything that I already knew. He told me that she is a raging alcoholic. He told me that all she does is lie. He told me that he believes she could possibly have mental problems. He told me, and I quote "she goes out at night and doesn't come home, and I'm not saying she's messing around, but she's ending up places she shouldn't be, passed out". When he said that to me, it kind of really hit me in the gut.

 

To make a long story short, I ended up dumping her due to her lying and her alcoholism and her erratic behavior.

 

It's always been in the back of my mind, the whole getting tested for STD's story.

 

She swore that she wasn't a drunk, until she couldn't deny it anymore. She swore she wasn't a liar, until she lied to me repeatedly, she swore she didn't cheat, and that is the ONLY thing that I do not have proof of, even though what her step dad told me, that "she's ending up places she shouldn't be, passed out", should be proof enough.

 

 

Sorry for the long post, I wanted to include as much detail as possible. I guess my question is, knowing what I know about this girl now, would anyone believe that story about getting tested for STD's?? If my gut and my suspicion is true, I don't even want to KNOW the truth, but it's just something that's always bothered me. I know that just because someone's an alcoholic it doesn't make them a cheater, but I also know that an attractive girl, getting drunk (and possibly black out drunk), and going out to the bar, basically by herself, and ending up not even going home at night, is not a good scenario. There is, no doubt, probably many other nights that I'm not even aware of that she went out and didn't go home.

 

I am with an amazing girl now, that I trust completely and that respects me. In the meantime, this girl I'm referring to has texted me that she "lost the baby" (she was never pregnant in the first place!", left me voice messages threatening suicide, and left me angry verbally abusive voice messages.

 

I'm glad I'm not with her, but wondering if she cheated, if she was really THAT bad, has always bothered me.

Edited July 27, 2011 by Corydm

[in_absentia]

Dude, lying, denial and unsafe behaviour are all hallmarks of alcoholism. You will NEVER know the truth about this girl and it's a bit worrying that you so desperately want to know the truth even though you've broken up and you're with an amazing new girl. You need to be focusing on your new relationship and your current girlfriend, not worrying about the past.

[Corydm]

"You will NEVER know the truth about this girl"

 

I agree.

 

"You need to be focusing on your new relationship and your current girlfriend, not worrying about the past"

 

I agree once again. You are absolutely correct.

 

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess I just want the truth, even though, like I posted, if it IS true that she was capable of cheating as well, and that she did, I wouldn't even want to know. I'm better off not knowing that. She put me through enough without having to know she did that as well.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[Space Ritual]

Sadly there really isnt anything such as Closure...it is a fleeting concept at best.

 

 

I know it probably hurts to think"Could she have cheated one me?"

 

well if you look at your original post you have written a litany of reasons why it was a good thing for you to dump her. And Frankly, at this point, why invest one iota of thought into her?

 

Go forth knowing you dodged a bullet of epic proportions. How would you have liked it had you been with her for years or married her and had a mortgage and kids only to see the two sheets of Doctors Orders? Think about it....

[PegNosePete]

Sadly there really isnt anything such as Closure...it is a fleeting concept at best.

Oh yes there is. But closure does not come from getting a yes or no answer to "did she cheat on me". Closure comes when you answer it, "it doesn't matter".

[oldguy]

why invest one iota of thought into her?

This is what I am wondering?

 

Oh yes there is. But closure does not come from getting a yes or no answer to "did she cheat on me". Closure comes when you answer it, "it doesn't matter".

What response or feeling would a 'yes' answer invoke compared to a, 'no' answer.

What is curious is that your interest almost presents itself as an insecurity issue, more similar to jealousy after the fact.

My concern would be STD's & that some don't present themselves from a single test.

I think I would even be more concerned about a raging lunatic with suicidal tendencies, especially sense they can be vengeful & homicidal as well.

But your focus is more on whether or not a lying, alcoholic cheated on you... I find that curious.

What do you think it's about?

[Lucky_One]

If my gut and my suspicion is true, I don't even want to KNOW the truth, but it's just something that's always bothered me.

 

 

You don't even want to KNOW the truth? Then why are you asking about it?

 

To answer the apparent premise of your post, no, follow-up STD tests aren't odd. Some STD's don't show up for months. There is zero reason that a doctor would NOT ask her about all aspects of her life and health to determine why she is having a rapid heartbeat. One primary cause of that is anxiety and stress, which could be coming from feelings about her XH and his EMA.

 

http://www.stdresource.com/concern/c1_d_3_a.php

[Corydm]

"Then why are you asking about it?"

 

I was asking primarily because I was curious if anyone reading would have believed that story and the whole scenario about getting tested for STD's, if they found themselves in that situation, especially coming to the realization, after the fact, that the person getting tested has been lying to you, about pretty much everything.

 

"why invest one iota of thought into her?"

"This is what I am wondering?"

 

I know that I shouldn't be, but I can't just shut my thoughts down. I had never been in a relationship with someone that is an alcoholic, a compulsive/pathological liar, and possibly has mental problems, so it left me with a lot of unanswered questions. Like someone previously posted though, I know that I will NEVER know the whole truth about this girl or about what went on, and I guess maybe that's what bothers me.

 

"What is curious is that your interest almost presents itself as an insecurity issue, more similar to jealousy after the fact."

 

No, it has nothing to do with insecurity or jealousy, and everything to do with just wanting the truth.

 

"You don't even want to KNOW the truth?

 

I do and I don't. If it was true, I would want to know, maybe for closure? Maybe to prove to myself that my gut instinct and suspicion about that was correct? Just like it was correct about everything else that I thought about her. I said I wouldn't even want to know the truth because, if it was true, it would obviously be painful, more painful than NOT knowing the truth, which is painful as well. I am well aware that I am better off NOT knowing.

 

"Go forth knowing you dodged a bullet of epic proportions"

 

Yes, I certainly did.

 

"follow-up STD tests aren't odd. Some STD's don't show up for months."

 

I am well aware of that. I simply don't believe her story about why she got tested for them. I don't believe that it was a "follow up" test.

 

"I think I would even be more concerned about a raging lunatic with suicidal tendencies, especially sense they can be vengeful & homicidal as well."

 

I AM concerned about it. I have never in my life previously been concerned about an ex gf seeking vengeance, or retaliation, or whatever, but I AM concerned about it with this girl. Some of her voice messages that she left me really freaked me out, and I wouldn't put ANYTHING past her, as far as seeking some type of revenge that she feels she is entitled to. She truly is a raging lunatic. I am lucky that right now she is in another province, and she has only been able to harass/stalk me by phone, up to this point. She will probably come back at some point though, and things will probably get worse before they get better.