My birthday is coming up...

[BetterMan]

Two months ago my wife of 20 years moved out, leaving me, our two boys, our pets... Since we share custody of the children we see each other fairly often. We are also best friends, and have recently started spending time together, just the two of us, and also as a family. A lot of interesting dynamics going on. She still says she doesn't want to be married to me, and I am fairly confident that there is no one else in her life. I am not dating either. The night before she moved out, knowing it was happening the next day, we slept together. I told her anytime she needed a booty call... we laughed, and she said, "well, your birthday is coming up."

 

So, here we are, about ten days from my birthday, and what I really want more than anything is for us to find someone to watch the boys, grab a hotel room, go out to dinner, drinks, maybe a movie, then spend the night together. I know that this will not make her want to come back to me, but she is my wife, and we are communicating, so it doesn't seem completely out of the blue. The reason I want to get a hotel is that I don't want to confuse this with what happened in our bed the last 20 years.

 

Any thoughts? How do I bring this up?

[wilsonx]

My advice is you need to let it go because you are never going to get a chance to heal if you do not. With her leaving, she gets to have her cake and eat it to. She gets what she wants and you get what ever is left over.

 

Maybe someone else can shed some light onto this but I had typed up this thing on how to have fun with her on your birthday but its actually destructive towards you, even if you think its what you really want. Making that decision and being friends and hanging out with her without the kids around is a destructive decision for you. Sure you might get some instant gratification of sex on your birthday but after that you will be back at the same place of being hurt and wanting her back in your life afterwards and her mind wont change. You will continue and continue to make these same decisions and continue to feel hurt and anxiety until you start making a decision that benefits you and your moving on in your life

[Arlia]

Why did she leave? She's no longer in love with you? It'd be best to clear things up before you plan anything so that you know exactly where you stand. If she is still considering getting back together, you should try, if not, walk away asap.

 

I've tried this road with my ex - hanging out with her after the BU, holding hands, hugging, and she would never say no, she enjoyed her time with me. I felt good when I was with her, but as soon as she left, I'd fall back into depression because nothing was real, she wanted to be friends and I wanted more.

[onlyafool]

My ex-wife did the same thing. She would leave me the nookie nuggets every once in a while and it was tough to turn her down...because she was my wife still and I loved her. Hell we slept together the day our divorce was final...wish I could take that back.

 

In my head, I was unable to let her go and this intimate connection we kept pursuing was not healthy for either of us. Eventually she cut me off completely (which was appropriate because we were now divorced) and that put me back to square one emotionally. Took me a long time to get over her, when in actuality the day she left should have been day 1 of my road to recovery.

 

I had kids involved in my situation and she was the love of my life, so I can see why you want to keep holding on and trying. If for nobody else, but for the kids. I know you know this, but I feel like I need to say it. Once a person makes up their mind on something like this (moving out after several years of marriage)...it's very very hard to make them reconsider. I'm sorry, but that was the story with my divorce.