What to do about another girl hitting on your bf??

[katy_katt]

Ok...what can I do about this other girl?

 

My bf and I have been going to a bar pretty much every Saturday night...same bar we met at. Whenever we go, I have a separate group of friends I meet there that I hang out with, he hangs out with his friends, we meet up every once in a while to talk, things are pretty casual. And it's just a given that I go back to his place to spend the night.

 

We were there about a month ago and there was this girl he was talking to that he knew from before. I was sitting at the table at that time and we were holding hands, I was rubbing his leg, etc...but I was in sort of a bad mood at the moment and didn't feel like talking. Well (and you may think this is weird), one of the things people sometimes do at that bar is spank each others' asses. He does that to both his male and female friends, I've done that...it's not really that big a deal. So when she was about to leave he reached over and spanked her ass. She made a really big deal out of it, stayed to talk to him more and kinda flirting with him, and I was getting really bitchy. So instead of acting all bitchy I decided to walk around the bar and talk to some of my friends. The night moved on and at one point I came back to find her sitting on his lap. We discussed what is ok and not ok to do at the bar and he said to just let him know if he was crossing any lines. When I saw that I got pretty upset, but walked up to him and told him that line was being crossed. He immediately moved her away and started hugging me.

 

Didn't think much of things until the next evening when he got a call from her. Seems she won some bar and limo package and wanted him to come out with her. We were at his parents at the time and he told her he'd call her back. He told me about it right away and said he planned to call and ask if I could come too, just to see what she said. I asked him if she even knew we were dating and he said 'of course'. He never did call her back though...he realized later he didn't even have her number. I was planning on having a 'little talk' with her when I saw her next.

 

So the week after that (at the bar), one of his other friends comes running up to us saying "The skank's here." She was apologizing to my bf that she accidentally mentioned he was there. I had no idea who she was talking about. A few minutes later, the girl comes by, followed by my bf's friend running over to us. The girl goes to my bf and starts talking to him right away, and his friend comes running to me and said, "That's the skank I was warning you about. Be careful." That's when I got the impression that something had happened between her and my bf before. Then he turned and formally introduced me to her as his gf...they talked for a bit longer, she left him alone for the rest of the night, and ended up making out with some other guy. He told me later that she didn't know we were dating (at least according to her). I felt ok about that and decided against talking to her since was obviously an innocent mistake on her part. But then...

 

This Saturday she ended up clinging to him again (wearing the exact same dress she's been wearing for the last month, I might add). Whenever I was around, she was really quiet, but she kept hanging around us. I did attempt some conversation with her, but it didn't really go anywhere. At one point, my bf and I went out to dance and she followed us onto the dance floor and stayed there even though it didn't really look like she wanted to. I had friends sitting on the other side of the bar so I would go and visit them, but not as much as I would've liked because of her. I didn't like her around. At one point I came back to my bf...he was sitting on a bar stool and she was standing there with her arms around him, but he looked like he was trying to push her away. When I went back to him he said, "Thank god you're here! She won't stop!" and I kinda looked at her as if to say 'what the f**k do you think you're doing?' She just looked away from me and walked away. I don't really like confrontations and at that point I was too upset to want to say anything, lest I say the wrong things or end up decking her.

 

We went back to his place and the next day he started talking about how 'bad' she was being every time I left. I asked what he meant and he said that whenever I wasn't around, she'd start rubbing herself up against him and stuff. He'd try to push her away and she'd laugh and say things to him like, "You can't do anything about this because you have a gf." I was furious. That b*tch!!

 

He didn't seem to see anything wrong with it though. I mentioned that I really did have to have a talk with her now and he told me not to rock the boat since he obviously didn't want to have anything to do with her. I tried explaining how I felt about it to him...if I know a guy's dating someone it's just plain wrong to hit on him, even if playfully. But we have slightly differing views about that, I guess. He said he wouldn't mind if some guy was doing the same thing to me, as long as I wasn't enjoying it. The issue of trust was brought up and I do trust him...I just don't trust her, if that makes any sense.

 

I asked him how he knew her anyway and he admitted that he'd had a one-night stand with her a while ago...it wasn't meant to be one on his part but she didn't talk to him for a long time after that and he was pretty turned off by the whole deal. Which kinda makes me even more upset thinking about it, and makes me want to talk to her more. I also know that his ex cheated on him numerous times and I'm starting to wonder if maybe this sort of behavior coming from him is what sparked it in her. I wanted to bring that idea up to him during our talk but wasn't sure if it was appropriate. Anyway, what can I do about this girl? Any ideas on how I can deal with this and still be tactful, because honestly right now I just want to hit her and tell her that people call her skank all the time. I don't want to appear catty, but somehow tell her to keep her hands off him. Also, I think that might just make things worse.

 

P.S. Sorry, this is so long...all my posts end up being long no matter what I do!

[Good2Go]

The next time you guys run into her, he needs to tell her with you standing there to BUZZ OFF. If he can't or won't do that, then I would be questioning what signals he is giving her when you aren't around. Don't be duped. WOmen don't keep on coming on to a man who's backing off.

[bethyboo]

I love to kill with kindness. Believe it or not it is very affective. Don't go to her sleezy level. I don't understand why your bf doesn't tell her off. I would leave it up to him to be the cruel one.

[katy_katt]

His problem is, he's just way too nice, same as me, that's why I couldn't talk to her about things before they came to this. Plus, it's hard for him to say anything to her when he doesn't see anything really wrong with it and it's been really hard for me to show him why I feel the way I do...to him it was all just play. I will talk to him about that though...see what he says.

[Samantha16]

I think there's always going to be 'the girl' no matter what. But what I don't understand is why he can't get rid of her? It's not that hard. Does he want to be friends with her or something? I've never heard of the slapping-of-the-ass thing, but with her rubbing all against him, and putting her arms around him, that aient cool. But you said one time he was like, "Thank god you're here, she's bothering me." First of all, he shouldn't be hanging with her. She's bothering him, and she's bothering you.

 

One time, a guy was hitting on me, trying to touch me and stuff, and I told him straight out to fu*k off. When he didn't stop, I said, "You better stop touching me, because otherwise I'm going to punch your ugly fu*#ing face." You gotta be straight forward, and sometimes nasty when it doesn't stop.

 

He should be straight up with her. Trust me, it's really not that hard for him to get her to leave him alone. And to me, if he wants to be friends with her, that's kind of stupid because she's not a friend, she's a little skank trying to get with him. Feeling someone up who has a girlfriend should never be tolerated. Not even by you.

 

So if you don't want to cause conflict, that's fine. He can take care of this himself. But if he doesn't, (and if that becomes the case, I would be insulted by that if I were you. It's bothering you, tell him and he should step up to the plate). But if he doesn't, don't hesitate to say something to her. You don't have to fight, but just come straight out and say "He's my boyfriend, get the f*ck away from him and stop touching him. I serious. I'm sick of this sh*t. You'll leave it alone if your smart." Well, say whatever in your own words, but you know.

 

She doesn't have to be a problem. this can easily be taken care of. But let your boyfriend take care of it first. But hey, if you wanna say something go right ahead. That's your boy and she's disrespecting you right in front of your face.

[tattoomytoe]

slap her in the face, then say oops...i thought i was slapping your ass!

[bethyboo]

tattoomytoe -GOOD ONE!

[swtbonita]

I don't think you should tell her off because i think it would just cause her to be more aggressive with him.. It seems that she just wants attention..

 

If I were you I would tell my bf to tell start talking all about you and how great you are and how happy you guys are and so on.. he should blab on and on and on.. until she is sick of him.. like if she rubs against him and says you wish you could have this.. he should say "well I already have so much more then that, my gf is great." he doesn't have to be mean, he just has to really express to her how much he is in love with you..

 

Worst comes to worst.. while you see them sitting together.. i would go sit on his lap and say "I want you now can we leave.." and leave her there without any goodnight..

 

if you feed a person with aggression they will return the aggression to you in double fold..

 

instead of focusing on her.. you should focus on your bf and your bf should focus on you..

[katy_katt]

tattoomytoe: HAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

Well I don't know...I'll see what happens next time we see her. She seems pretty fickle...something I didn't mention is that she was clinging to my bf all night until the other guy she was sucking face with showed up. But then that guy didn't seem very interested in her, so she came back. Obviously, she just wants attention and swtbonita is right, it might just make things worse. I was thinking of maybe just enlisting somebody we both know at the bar to talk to her for me. You know, like..."It doesn't make you look very good to be hanging off someone else's bf."

 

I talked to my bf about it but got the same thing. He said he'll see and didn't really want to talk because it's not a big deal to him and he's wondering why I'm making such a big deal out of it. I'm wondering the same thing now...maybe it's just because I don't enjoy seeing a girl with such a total lack of self-respect, or such a total lack of respect for relationships in general? I just don't get people like that.

[sportsloving]

It isn't your boyfriend she is interested in, she has already proved that by ignoring him after their one night stand. It is the reaction she can get from you, knowing it pisses you off, you take it home, you tell him, he gets confused .. she wins. It is a jealousy thing for her... misery loves company.

 

If you want her to back off, honestly just treat her like she doesn't exist. When she hangs on your boyfriend, walk up to him, plant a kiss on him, ask him what time he thinks he will be done "playing" and then smile sweet at her.

 

Getting into a fight with her will only up her side of the stakes. Telling her off, she still wins. Sometimes the "skanks" just want to see how many problems they can create in other relationships as they can't have their own relationships. Too fast and too easy makes for one lonely person.

 

I wish you lots of luck but I doubt you need it

[katy_katt]

Hmm...some good advice, sportsloving!

[sportsloving]

Thank you

[Kelebek]

Gotta agree with Sportslovin!! You've got all the advice you need but I couldn't help sticking my nose in.

 

If you act angry, she'll be happy because she'll know that she's getting in between the two of you, which is obviously what she wants. If you just both ignore her, I would HOPE she would back away with dignity...it just sounds like she's completely embarrassing herself, I can't imagine what she's thinking.

 

Your boyfriend has to stand up for himself though...I realise he doesn't like confrontations but really - this isn't just about him anymore, he has to stand up for your relationship! If she's sliming all over him, he has to say something. If someone was all over my man and he didn't stand up to it, I'd go insane!! If she's sitting on him etc, he should just get up and walk away, to the bar, toilet, YOU. The girl sounds a little crazy to me!!

 

Try and get someone who knows the skank to tell her that you and your man are off to a different bar one night...no doubt she'll head off to that different bar and you can have a nice skank-free night!

 

Make sure you two stay strong...it'll annoy her even more when she sees that neither of you could give a f*ck about her, and are still in love regardless, hehe!!!

 

Good luck!

[tiki]

IMHO...

 

first things first here. If you call him your boyfriend, then you guys need to act like boyfriend and girlfriend. This is what a commited relationship is. Why are you guys hitting the bar every weekend like a couple of single people? Then to slather on the questionable actions, why do you two split up at the bar? Isn't it supposed to be about you two being together-being in a committed relationship? There's a real easy answer in my opinion. Quit hangin out in bars like single people. That's what single people do. They are there to meet people. You guys should try working on the exclusivity of the relationship and leave the clubs to the single people or to those that go (and stay) as a couple. I admit, I might be a little confused too if I met a guy at a club, but he had the same situation as u2 do. I might wonder and think that there's gotta be a reason he's not with her and he's flirting with me/other women. Make him take you out more. Lose the club. It's a meeting place for people. If you still want to meet people...then go somewhere else. If you're wanting to meet people of the opposite sex, leave the relationship. Nuff said.

[lohrewok]

Are you guys even old enough to drink? Grow up already! Your BF needs to set some boundries with this chick, he is disrespecting you by not doing so.

[katy_katt]

- This isn't your typical top 40 meat-market. It's a gothic/industrial bar and people usually just go there to dance and have a good time, not to meet people in that way. I wasn't even planning on meeting anyone when I met him there, and neither was he.

- We go only because we spend the rest of our time with each other and Saturday night's a good night to get out and not spend too much money.

- We don't exactly split for the whole night...we sit together. It's just that my friends go there on the same night as his friends and it's a good time for us to be able to hang out with them, both singles and couples...if we weren't going together we'd be going without each other anyway. We've tried having all our friends together at once but that didn't work out too well. We're also both 'social butterflies' when we're out, so splitting up once in a while is good...I visit with my friends, he with his. We've discussed this and found we both prefer it that way (well, at least until this happened).

- We weren't even going to go last weekend but another friend of mine from school was curious about the place and I said I'd take him.

- I don't think we'll be going this weekend anyway...work schedules have changed and we aren't going to be able to spend much time together until that night.

- I'm 26, he's 30...we're both very young at heart. I've spent too much time in a stale relationship where my bf didn't want to do anything with me, then too much time alone not doing anything, and this has been a nice change.

 

Anyway, I came here for advice, not to explain and make excuses for our lifestyle.

[Leigh Anne]

Ok the poster who made the comment about your lifestyle and going to bars should not be judging your lifestyle based on theirs. My BF and I go to bars together from time to time, doesn't mean we are there to meet anyone. And no one ever said bars were exclusively for single people. As for as the growing up comment, that was rude!

 

Now on to my 2 cents. Sorry to say, but I think, to a certain extent, your boyfriend is somewhat enjoying this attention. It's just natural. Guy in a relationship, other girl shows interest, so while he may not even be interested in her, he is somewhat interested in the attention he is receiving. What I would do is tell him that you think some of the things he was doing with her was crossing the line, and you felt disrespected. Like her sitting on his lap for example, that's a little inappropriate.

 

Secondly, while you respect that he's a non confrontational person, all he has to say to her, is a nice, "Please stop your behavior, it's very disrespectful to my girlfriend, I love her, and your actions are just not appropriate. Thanks!" Simple as that!!!!! Homegirl is not gonna get a clue unless your bf is firm with her! And firm doesn't mean he has to be rude. As for you, yeah I wouldn't stoop down to her level either.

 

I'd just hang out with him and not leave him alone, and when you do leave, you can say, hey hun, I'm leaving for a bit, be good! Laugh it off, and see what happens. This is about trust. And if the girl continues to do that, you can talk to her and tell her something alone the lines of: I don't think some of your behavior is appropriate. He's my boyfriend and some of your actions are disrespectful to me, thanks!" Simple as that!!!!

 

Keep us posted!!!!!!!!!

[katy_katt]

Well, I guess I did it now. We broke up last weekend, and I just had a long talk with him tonight. I don't want to get into things now, maybe save it for a different forum I guess. I just feel horrible right now.

[sportsloving]

Awwwww I am so sorry. Is it possible to "fix things"? I wish you the best, no matter what happens.

[katy_katt]

Well, maybe now I should put this in the 'Breaking Up' forum...or hopefully one of the mods will notice and move it for me. Anyway, let me get this weight off my chest.

 

I really don't know how to feel. Part of me thinks I should be more upset. Last time a relationship ended I cried for about a month straight. This time, I only cried about it for about a minute and then just sat and stared at the wall. I've been doing that a lot. Maybe it's just that I noticed things were kind of going wrong before, but then I'd just tell myself that I was being silly. Then it was the whole tug-of-war thing...he seemed to be pulling away and I was trying to get closer which just pushed him away more. The whole incident with the girl from the bar didn't help things much.

 

I've been trying like hell to keep myself busy all week, hanging out with friends and talking to my mom on the phone whenever I get really down (my mom's awesome for that), playing mindless computer games, but it's when I'm lying in bed or just getting up in the morning things get really bad. All I want to do is to be able to lay down and snuggle with him again as I fall asleep. I jerk awake early every morning with that thought in my head and then I find it so hard to get back to sleep. This morning I was up at 6:00.

 

I went to his place tonight to get my stuff and he explained why things are the way they are. I guess I seem really negative at times, and that's not the way he is. When he mentioned it I could see his point. This came up as an issue in another relationship of mine, although I wasn't told about it quite as nicely and so I couldn't really see it (he was just as negative, if not worse). Last month was really stressful for me...I had to move which used up all my money, my car got broken into and then broke down, I had final assignments to do and exams to study for, and then try to find a job on top of all that. Just too many things to deal with at once and I think I did a pretty good job considering how stressed and grouchy I would get about that stuff in the past. I always tried to look on the bright side of things and I knew if I just rode things out, they'd get better. Even with this...when we broke up I kept telling myself that it's for the better, that it would give me a chance to focus on some of these things over the summer.

 

There's still the possiblity of another chance for us, perhaps later on. He told me he still loves me but he just can't be with me right now...there are things I have to work out for myself. I found a job and my life is starting to get back on track again so I'm hoping once that happens, things will change for the better. With the whole negativity thing, it's hard to say. My life hasn't been the greatest, so I'm always prepared for the worst to happen. I don't know...this is so frustrating. We're still friends, we're supposed to get together and do something tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. I guess time will just tell what's going to happen.

[spencer]

katy_katt

 

I just read your thread & I dont have anything to say except.... Im so sorry,

It does sound like things have been very stressful for you,

take this time to relax and regroup.

[katy_katt]

Thanks Spencer. Taking it one moment at a time. I just wish I could stop thinking about him.

[jmargel]

You haven't gotten into the reason why he left you. In order to beat this you need to confront it. Perhaps we can offer some advice.

[katy_katt]

Oh, I mentioned it...I can be too negative and he's a very positive person. I know that's not the entire reason...I'm thinking now that we were getting too close and he just couldn't handle it at the time. He was married before and I know his ex hurt him terribly...he mentioned that since then he's never had a long-term relationship. So...that I can understand.

 

I'm very lucky in that I have a mother who's a personal counsellor. Whenever I'm feeling down I can call her up to talk and she offers such wonderful insight into myself and other people...makes me feel better everytime. And I'm also lucky I found this board, for more insight and just some general support from others who have, or are, going through the same things.

[Shindig]

Chances are he likes the attention; it makes him feel sexy and desirable. You need to tell him that it bothers you when he doesn't tell girls he's taken. He might give you some excuse amongst the lines of, "it doesn't matter where you warm the water so long as it boils at home," but if it bothers you, it bothers you. He may be leaving the bar with you at the end of the night, but a guy who really cares about you should make some sort of effort to come to a solution on this kind of a matter.

 

Personally I don't mind when girls hit on my boyfriend; I know he likes the attention and I like knowing that I'm not the only one who thinks he's hot. What bothers me is when he flirts back (only if I am not friendly with the girl). We discussed it and when girls flirt with him, he politely says he's got a girlfriend.