Wife is about to make it physical.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Also, by telling her it's over if she walks out that door at the very least, you may have ruined her fantasy vacation. She may be gone, but that little voice in the back of her head will keep asking her, " Just what is he doing back home? Is he selling the house? Is he divorcing me? What is he telling people? What exactly does he know?"

 

or

 

She really doesn't give a rats ass and has convinced herself that she can fix everything when she gets back home. But, I have a strong feeling that you are going to receive more phonecalls this trip than any other. Therefore, she's looking for you to agree that everything is okay and you'll work on things when she gets home. Hence, she can relax and enjoy sleeping with her Cuban lover under the Carribean sun.

 

Which is my point exactly. She knows what you think, however knows nothing about the PI. She stays home and you will live through hell. She goes and you will get some type of closure, which is either proof of an affair or a very big if, she has an epiphany and and comes back and you work on your marriage.

[sparten]

Vanhandle,

 

I think you should get out ahead of what is happening. Be the server of the papers and don't listen to her hesitation. You'll feel more powerful and then you'll feel more like getting on with your life and meeting someone new. I went through months of being kind and reversals too. That didn't work, it just made it worse.

 

The first big steps I took in splitting up were:

 

• Separation papers (so you can separate income).

 

• Separate bills, debt, get your own cards.

 

• List of material goods and who gets what (PS. you don't need much to be happy).

 

• Custody plan, day to day and holidays.

 

• Start looking for a comfortable low maintenance, close to schools place to live for a while. Can't emphasize this enough. When I split up the ex stayed in the house. Although she was more comfortable she had much more maintenance to do and she had to show the house during its sale.

 

• Don't make long term plans or commitments for a couple years (except for the divorce) until you settle down a bit.

 

• Have some fun, exercise focus on other things and people. You'd be well served to have a female friend. They see through other womens bull better than men. But you need some male friends too.

 

All of this is hard emotionally. It helps to have support so look for some. Your standard of living will be less and there will be tons of changes.

 

One of my satisfactions is that in our last year together my ex lost weight and thought she was the hottest thing on earth which led to her affair. After the divorce she quickly got remarried and gained all the weight back and more. I don't have to live with it

[Vanhandle]

Update:

 

Sorry I forgot to mention that this was my response to her email:

 

I can cool down no problem. But only by jumping on a fast decision will I be able to make you understand the seriousness of the situation and for you to snap out of this foolishness. I am DEAD serious! In hindsight, I should have nipped this in the bud when everything started but I was so fearful of what it would do to the children that I became a pussy. And since no-one and I mean no-one, respects a weak man you proceeded to walk all over me. I guess I sub-consciously sacrificed my self-esteem, self-respect and dignity for the sake of the children (I'm not looking for pity, coz I would do it for them in a heart-beat).

 

Now I agree that selling the house would be financially disadvantageous to us, but I can't see how any one of us can maintain it if we decide to divorce. But at the end of the day, if it has to be done then it has to be done.

 

[Her name], I've said it before and I'll say it again. I will do everything in my power to preserve this beautiful, beautiful family and spare the children turmoil. The children are my world and the air that I breathe. This family is the most beautiful thing I have ever helped create with the most beautiful woman in the world. Nothing reaches this accomplishment in my life and I will fight tooth and nail to keep it intact. HOWEVER, HOWEVER, I cannot and will not sit here like some sucker and watch you go off to meet this guy. If I did not love you then I would not have even given a **** whether you go or not. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, you know that this is wrong but the temptation has become too strong for you. Even if you tell yourself that nothing is going to happen, are you willing to bet that you would be able to resist the temptation? After all this build up and anticipation? Didn't think so!

 

Therefore it leaves us with two possible scenarios:

 

Scenario 1: You cancel the trip for the sake of our marriage and family

Outcome : You don't become resentful and decide to make our marriage and family stronger. We both figure out what went wrong between us and fix it so that we can re-kindle the love that got us together in the first place.

 

Scenario 1.2 : You cancel the trip for the sake of our marriage and family.

Outcome : You become so resentful/pissed at being deprived of fulfilling this fantasy rendezvous you planned that it poisons our relationship and we split anyway.

 

Scenario 2 : You tell me f**k off and head off to the "man of your dreams"

Outcome : I end the marriage.

 

I cannot force you to stay but I can make you understand that you are about to destroy a beautiful family. When I think of divorce, [daughter] and [son] faces pop in my head and I think of how wrong it would be if we gave them a broken home.

 

Oh and shortening the trip is like saying someone is "Half pregnant". You can’t have half an affair. It’s either an affair or not an affair!

 

It’s your call, dear!

 

 

 

@The Blue Knight – Thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry you had to go thru all that crap. Amazing what an unfaithful spouse is capable of doing, huh? I’m glad you’re back on your feet.

 

@Toodamnprgmatic – I will be the first to admit that things were NOT perfect prior to her March trip. I agree that things were kind of monotonous at home, but not because I didn’t give a damn, but rather out of stress. We had a very energetic (demanding) toddler who was sucking the energy out of both us. By the time she went to sleep it was easily 10:00 or sometimes 11:00. So, instinctively I would retreat to my “cave” to unwind and thereby maybe unintentionally neglected the relationship. She retreated to her stuff and it became a routine. NOT ONCE did she ever convey in any shape or form that this was bothering her, or that she felt I didn’t love her. NOTHING. I am not saying that I shouldn’t have been proactive, but rather to say that I became nonchalant, lazy and took things for granted. It cuts both ways, BUT it was our issue. Not someone else’s. There is NO justification to step out of the marriage in order to solve your frustration, lack of passion or sense of neglect. You communicate, you express, and you make an effort to right the ship. If that doesn’t work then you need the guts to separate/divorce. Here my wife took the easy way out – snuff out the flickering (albeit dying) flame in OUR relationship and light up ANOTHER spark. Selfish!

 

There’s a well known author called Christine Schaap who helps women to navigate thru midlife crises. She wrote a book for men suffering their women’s crisis called Survive Your Wife’s Midlife Crises. Highly recommended (I’m not shilling). It opened my eyes to many things that my wife was saying and doing. In the book she has a lovely statement she tells her female clients - “Your marriage is not the problem and another man is not the solution. Not surprisingly, the biggest fear after a divorce is that of being alone. Because of this, women like the safety of having another man waiting in the wings.”

 

@Todamnpragmatic - Regarding your last post – Yes she did try to figure out what I plan to do after she comes back. I noticed this uneasiness on her part and cryptically said that she will see what happens when she returns. Why not ruin her fun in the sun by creating mental anguish in her head, eh?

And yes, the PI is my ace that will, if nothing else, give me closure and vindication that I did the right thing. If, big if, however he comes back with NO proof whatsoever, I will be flabbergasted. Honestly, I would be in shock. That’s wishful thinking right now, even though my motto (one of them) in life is “Hope is the last to die”. I have been in situations that the everyday person can’t even fathom or survive and that motto is very, very true! My point is – never, ever give up until the fat lady sings! (plus a prayer wouldn’t hurt).

[Richard Friedman]

 

@Steadfast – Wow, you are describing my wife to a tee. You so right about no control and that you cannot make someone love you. And yes, it makes no difference whether she did it or not.

 

Understanding this puts you ahead of 99% of the chumps who try to fix a marriage thats irretrievable. Respect for keeping your wits about you. Don't know if the PI thing is worth it though, unless you live in a fault state. Otw a spouse's conduct makes no difference.

[Chi townD]

Okay dude, I would just make sure you keep those e-mails on file. Has she said anything else since yesterday? Any indication that she's going to cancel the trip? Is she starting to believe that if she walks out that door it ends the marriage? Have you reitierated that to her again?

 

And to Richard, I believe Vanhandle stated in an earlier post that in Canada, if you have 100% proof of an affair, he can file for a divorce citing adultry as the cause. So, for that reason, it's worth it.

Edited July 29, 2011 by Chi townD

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Look I'm really really sorry what you are going through. Your last email should be the last you say unless she comes clean and begs forgiveness and that she'll do what is necessary to repair the marriage and her actions over the past year or two.

 

You are in a no win situation, which is why I say to step back and let her do what she wants as you're past the point of no return with her.

 

She already told you in her warped thought process that if she cancels the trip, she'll divorce you.

 

Prepare yourself, it is out of your hands 'til the 2nd or when she returns. You have nothing else to say at this point, and eloquently stated so in your email that you will not be weak any longer in order to save the marriage imo.

Edited July 29, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Vanhandle]

@Richard Friedman – Thanks. No, unfortunately I live in a No-Fault province in Canada. Secondly I have hired the PI and it’s non-refundable so I might as well get my money’s worth. But mainly it’s for my own closure and vindication. Vindication because in this kind of high-stakes game there is nothing worse then doubting yourself after taking such a drastic step. I need to know that I did the right thing.

 

@Chi townD – Yes, I keep track of everything. Taped calls, emails, photos from her trip, journal detailing everything, etc.. Regarding 100% proof of an affair – to do that my PI would need to literally record them doing it (nothing less) which is practically impossible especially given the location of the rendezvous (Cuba). If it was here locally, maybe, but there? Not a chance. I even requested, but the PI said that’s a no-go. Wouldn’t that have been something? I would have emailed the clip to EVERYONE she knows. But alas, photos will have to do.

[Vanhandle]

@Toodamnpragmatic - So true. That’s exactly what I said at the end of our marathon “conversation”. I told here that there is nothing else to discuss. She knows where I stand and that I know what she is planning to do and that she will see the consequences. I will not discuss this any longer until she leaves.

[The Blue Knight]

Van,

 

The three options you gave her in your email were very good. The ball is in her court now. But keep in mind that if she calls your bluff and takes off for Cuba and you don't follow through, this will likely carry on indefinitely. Anyone who has ever bluffed about leaving a marriage usually lives to regret it when their spouse calls them on it and realizes they can have the best of both worlds.

 

[Toodamnpragmatic]

@Toodamnpragmatic - So true. That’s exactly what I said at the end of our marathon “conversation”. I told here that there is nothing else to discuss. She knows where I stand and that I know what she is planning to do and that she will see the consequences. I will not discuss this any longer until she leaves.

 

Again I can not imagine the pain. Stay strong 'til the 2nd and no begging and/or threats or engaging in conversation unless she comes clean and begs to start anew.

 

I too like the idea of taking the kids away before she returns for a few days.

[Steadfast]

You have to understand; by discovering what you did, you messed everything up. Her plan was to get everything in place with the OM then leave; on her terms. Now, you're pushing the issue and it's pissing her off.

 

I know Christine and she's right. Your wife is presently playing both ends against the middle. It's all for her benefit. I know it's hard to hear, but she's placing her wants and needs (no matter how twisted) above those of the children, your home/finances, and finally, you. Make no mistake, you and your home is safe haven. She's entitled, spoiled, and selfish. Not good.

 

I know it's hard but please take my advice and stop talking to her about the relationship. She knows you love her. She knows the children will suffer. Don't you understand she doesn't care? At least, not as much as she does about herself. It's impossible for you to say the right thing and besides, you're just repeating what she already knows. When I say let her go that means let her go. See an attorney. Get a visitation schedule in place and begin to work through the financial terms of the settlement.

 

Period. No games, no drama. No schemes. No PI. Save your money.

 

If she comes to you and says "I'm sorry, I was wrong. I love you and am willing to do whatever it takes to restore our relationship and keep our family together" then -and only then- will you be in a place to decide if you want to continue. My ex never said this. I never had the option. She hates certain parts of her life now but loves the freedom of dramatic scenarios with different men. That's just how it is. I adjusted. My kids adjusted. I...we, never wanted this life but now that we have it we're making the best of it. And you know what? I am happier without her. I never, ever thought I could say that. She didn't love me the way I loved her. So be it.

 

Stop trying to reason, bargain, or guilt her into staying. Stop trying to force her hand. No more ultimatums. Just let her go and get on with life.

[StoneCold]

the PI is my ace that will, if nothing else, give me closure and vindication that I did the right thing. If, big if, however he comes back with NO proof whatsoever, I will be flabbergasted. Honestly, I would be in shock.

 

 

See Van this is why I think the PI will be a waste of money...

 

He/She is gonna tail them....get pics of them acting "sweet", perhaps a kiss and/or hand holding, get highly suggestive pics and data (like pics of them going into a room together)....but this stuff wont be anymore solid than the emails and tape recorded conversations you already have.

 

All the stuff the PI would get would be highly suggestive and sufficient data to come to a reasonable conclusion but none of it will definitively prove they screwed around.

 

I'm sorry but if you think this PI is going to get pics of Ricky Ricardo plowing your wife like a pig on a spit....you are mistaken...unless of course they are dumb enough to have sex in public.

 

 

I dunno man... I think you are wasting your money here IMHO

 

which ultimately leads me here:

 

Stop trying to reason, bargain, or guilt her into staying. Stop trying to force her hand. No more ultimatums. Just let her go and get on with life

 

 

See Steadfast and myself....dont agree on much if any...like never

 

But I have to agree here....just let it go....you said your piece so be done with it and move on

Edited July 29, 2011 by StoneCold

[Chi townD]

You have to understand; by discovering what you did, you messed everything up. Her plan was to get everything in place with the OM then leave; on her terms. Now, you're pushing the issue and it's pissing her off.

 

I know Christine and she's right. Your wife is presently playing both ends against the middle. It's all for her benefit. I know it's hard to hear, but she's placing her wants and needs (no matter how twisted) above those of the children, your home/finances, and finally, you. Make no mistake, you and your home is safe haven. She's entitled, spoiled, and selfish. Not good.

 

I know it's hard but please take my advice and stop talking to her about the relationship. She knows you love her. She knows the children will suffer. Don't you understand she doesn't care? At least, not as much as she does about herself. It's impossible for you to say the right thing and besides, you're just repeating what she already knows. When I say let her go that means let her go. See an attorney. Get a visitation schedule in place and begin to work through the financial terms of the settlement.

 

Period. No games, no drama. No schemes. No PI. Save your money.

 

If she comes to you and says "I'm sorry, I was wrong. I love you and am willing to do whatever it takes to restore our relationship and keep our family together" then -and only then- will you be in a place to decide if you want to continue. My ex never said this. I never had the option. She hates certain parts of her life now but loves the freedom of dramatic scenarios with different men. That's just how it is. I adjusted. My kids adjusted. I...we, never wanted this life but now that we have it we're making the best of it. And you know what? I am happier without her. I never, ever thought I could say that. She didn't love me the way I loved her. So be it.

 

Stop trying to reason, bargain, or guilt her into staying. Stop trying to force her hand. No more ultimatums. Just let her go and get on with life.

 

 

I totally get what your saying, but my thing is. She leaves in four days, he has four days to make it perfectly clear that she either cancels the trip and works on the marriage or it's over. I mean, if you knew that your SO had plans to travel to another country to have sex with someone else, the SO that you've invested your life to, someone that you love and have children with, wouldn't you TRY to stop it? Could you live with knowing that you didn't even try to stop it?

 

I think the PO's WW knows what's on the table and the PO has told her what will happen. I believe that he will execute everything that you've suggested if she goes on the trip. Because, I believe that her actions would prove to the PO that it is in fact, over. It would make the process of filing for divorce so much easier because there would be no second guessing. She made her choice and walked out the door. Call it symbolism if you want.

 

He listed ultimatums, and that's fine because I think he's past the point of negotiation. It's pucker time. Sink or swim.

[Vanhandle]

Guys, I understand that the PI will probably only bring me photos of them kissing, holding hands, frolicking in the sun, etc. You see, in the discussions we‘ve had about this trip the stickler was “Are you going to meet him?” The answer was always a vehement “No” “No” and No”. I know, I know, you’ll say “Come on man! Do you expect her to not lie and then not give a shyte if you show her evidence to the contrary?” I realize that, however, just like in any relationship there are certain dynamic factors that are unique to ours that is making me take this step. Hard to fathom, but I have my reasons. Like Chi townD said, call it symbolism if you will.

 

Also, it will embarrass her in front of her family. That you can bet on, because one thing she NEVER EVER likes is to be embarrassed. Regardless of her state of mind.

 

 

And MOST importantly, as I have stated previously, I cannot undo the PI thing even if I wanted to. It’s non-refundable! So might as well get my money’s worth.

Edited July 29, 2011 by Vanhandle

[StoneCold]

I mean, if you knew that your SO had plans to travel to another country to have sex with someone else, the SO that you've invested your life to, someone that you love and have children with, wouldn't you TRY to stop it? Could you live with knowing that you didn't even try to stop it?

 

 

No...Whats the point? if shes going to cheat your relationship was likely a write off a long time ago anyways. I will just make moves that are in MY best interest....whatever they may be. She should have zero expectation of me because there will be no more US. Just ME and I will act accordingly.

 

Could I sleep at night? like a baby...shes a big girl...its not up to me to control her actions and vice versa. I'd feel good knowing I took my matters into my own hands and did what works for and benefits me...

 

 

its a dead horse...why bother?

[SoulStorm]

Guys, I understand that the PI will probably only bring me photos of them kissing, holding hands, frolicking in the sun, etc. You see, in the discussions we‘ve had about this trip the stickler was “Are you going to meet him?” The answer was always a vehement “No” “No” and No”. I know, I know, you’ll say “Come on man! Do you expect her to not lie and then not give a shyte if you show her evidence to the contrary?” I realize that, however, just like in any relationship there are certain dynamic factors that are unique to ours that is making me take this step. Hard to fathom, but I have my reasons. Like Chi townD said, call it symbolism if you will.

 

 

And MOST importantly, as I have stated previously, I cannot undo the PI thing even if I wanted to. It’s non-refundable! So might as well get my money’s worth.

 

Do what you must is all I can say.

I still applaud how you became a warrior and left the wimp behind. She sees that. It appears she is just too stubborn to back down. She wants you to back down.

It is now a battle of wills. However..she sees that you are serious and that scares her a bit.

Don't back down..she thinks you may be bluffing and is looking for a hint that you are.

It is true..you cannot control her..but you can control what you will endure.

Good job on taking back your power.

[StoneCold]

Guys, I understand that the PI will probably only bring me photos of them kissing, holding hands, frolicking in the sun, etc. You see, in the discussions we‘ve had about this trip the stickler was “Are you going to meet him?” The answer was always a vehement “No” “No” and No”. I know, I know, you’ll say “Come on man! Do you expect her to not lie and then not give a shyte if you show her evidence to the contrary?” I realize that, however, just like in any relationship there are certain dynamic factors that are unique to ours that is making me take this step. Hard to fathom, but I have my reasons. Like Chi townD said, call it symbolism if you will.

 

Also, it will embarrass her in front of her family. That you can bet on, because one thing she NEVER EVER likes is to be embarrassed. Regardless of her state of mind.

 

 

And MOST importantly, as I have stated previously, I cannot undo the PI thing even if I wanted to. It’s non-refundable! So might as well get my money’s worth.

 

Ok man.. its your situation so you know best..... I really hope this PI accomplishes for you what you want....because it would be a bitch if he/she didnt.

[Steadfast]

I mean, if you knew that your SO had plans to travel to another country to have sex with someone else, the SO that you've invested your life to, someone that you love and have children with, wouldn't you TRY to stop it?

 

IMO if a marriage relationship has reached this point it's already too late. Spoken from experience. True fact: love is a gift, not an obligation. If it isn't this man, it'll be another. Will you block the door? Monitor every call and email? That doesn't sound like life, it sounds like a life of imprisonment. Absolute true fact: this is all about her actions, not his.

 

And MOST importantly, as I have stated previously, I cannot undo the PI thing even if I wanted to. It’s non-refundable! So might as well get my money’s worth.

 

Well, then you'll have a stack of useless photographs that'll do nothing more than torment you, IMO. I give them three months before they're tossed in the garbage. You've done very well, but this was a mistake.

[Lucky_One]

Personally, I'd drop the kids with their grandparents, and I'd fly to Cuba during the 5 days alone. I'd walk into the hotel with a dozen roses and a big smile, and beg the girls at the front desk to sneak you into the room so you can surprise your wife - or a chambermaid, if the hotel won't do it. Women go nuts for romantic ideas, and they will very likely aid you 100% into getting into her room.

 

If they won't, then sit in the lobby until you see her come into the hotel (with or without him) and follow her up to the room via stairs or another elevator.

 

I'd definitely put a spending limit on all joint credit cards - just tell the CC company that you are trying to limit future credit debt and you want to lower your limit. I surely wouldn't let my H spend willy-nilly on his lover while I sat back and paid the bills.

[bentnotbroken]

I mean, if you knew that your SO had plans to travel to another country to have sex with someone else, the SO that you've invested your life to, someone that you love and have children with, wouldn't you TRY to stop it? Could you live with knowing that you didn't even try to stop it?

 

 

I did. He didn't go to another country, but I knew he was going to be with OW for a weekend. I told him to have fun. Why should one grown person try to stop another from going off and killing the marriage. She is a big girl and she knows what she is doing, or she wouldn't be lying through her teeth. And for the record, I sleep just fine. I slept fine the weekend they were gone and I have no regrets about my decision. I gave him the rope and he hung the both of them with it.

[Chi townD]

Damn, well, I'm glad everyone is sleeping just fine. I was just trying to give a little advice but since I'm so incredibly wrong, I'll just bow out of this one.

[Vanhandle]

Hey Chi Town, don't be offended. I appreciate EVERYONE'S opinion and advice, so please continue to give me your feedback. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to this kind of thing.

 

Lucky_one, that thought REALLY crossed my mind but then I realized it would be too pathetic and possibly dangerous. After all, I would be in the OM's backyard would I not? Would be immensely gratifying to catch them in the act but ultimately she's not worth the risk.

 

Bentnotbroken, I wish I had your emotional strength to do that. Even though I am getting to a place where I don't care anymore I think during those last 5 nights I will be in much torment and hurt. Sad really. She is losing something special for lust disguised as love.

[bentnotbroken]

Damn, well, I'm glad everyone is sleeping just fine. I was just trying to give a little advice but since I'm so incredibly wrong, I'll just bow out of this one.

 

 

Ahh Chi, I am sorry I didn't mean to offend you. All advice is needed so that those without the experience can get a glimpse of what they may be in for. Again, I'm sorry.

[Steadfast]

I'm not sure, but my words may have inspired this response. Let's clarify.

 

I mean, if you knew that your SO had plans to travel to another country to have sex with someone else, the SO that you've invested your life to, someone that you love and have children with, wouldn't you TRY to stop it? Could you live with knowing that you didn't even try to stop it?

 

The obvious answer is yes, but the situation seems well past that. I believe the wife knows her husband doesn't want any of this. Agree? Can we also agree he is powerless to stop her from doing anything? People are faithful and loving because they decide to be. Not because they are forced to be.

 

When I advised Vanhandle to 'let her go' I didn't mean let her go to Cuba. Whether she goes or not has little to do with what's wrong with their relationship. The advice is to release any aspect of control; intentional or otherwise and go about the business of moving forward to a happier, healthier life. Any chance of saving the marriage, IMO, lies in the wife's realization that she's harming something she promised not to, followed by a desire to make it right. Properly self-motivated she'll do what's necessary to repair the relationship and restore the family. For most people, that belief is learned, not inherited.

 

We teach our children the difference between right and wrong but they only grasp that reality after tasting the aftereffects. Described as stubborn and strong willed, Vanhandle's wife is the worst kind of cheater.

 

It appears she is just too stubborn to back down. She wants you to back down. It is now a battle of wills.

 

She probably sees it like this, but I hope the OP doesn't. The fact is, she'll have more respect for him if he doesn't back down...no matter how angry she might get. Respect breeds love. So while she might see it as a fight, Vanhandle needs to view the situation as a border or boundary he is unwilling to have crossed. This is why his actions are justified. Someone, at some point must take a stand, and he appears to be doing that.

 

Bravo. Not for the 'win', but for having the strength to reject hateful control and betrayal. This attitude IMO, is a turbo-boost to happiness.

[jnj express]

Hey Van---maybe its time to step up the reality of it all----There is absolutely no reason for this trip---it can/will not help your mge., in any way shape or form---so she has no leg to stand on---in going----whether she is gonna see this guy or not----married women do not go trekking off all over the world by themselves for no reason----SO-------

 

Ask her tomorrow if she still intends to go on the trip----if she says yes---then go get some suitcases, go to her closet, and start packing up her clothes, and her sundries, and cosmetics----and tell her that it is obvious that she has checked out of the mge., and you want her to leave now

 

This will put reality smack in front of her---right now she is playing poker with you, in re: your kids future, and the future of the mge.-----she is betting you will do nothing---otherwise why would she risk her kids future, her mge., and actually her own future---just for some obsession------if you toss her out now---it is gonna hit her smack in this face that you ARE DEADLY SERIOUS-------if you let her go----she will come back damaged goods, and PI, or not she will lie to you about having another man inside of her-------right now you do not have the pain, that you will have if she goes--------take your best shot now, and try to wake her up, and save what is left of your childrens mother.