Author Vanhandle Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Since my next step involves lawyers, can any of the Canadians here recommend a good lawyer that you have dealt with? I'm located in the GTA. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 She is leaving in 24 hrs and the emotions are running roughshod on me. I thought I was OK 2 days ago but now? Dunno man...this f**king sucks! She keeps telling me "be confident", "don't pass bad vibes to the universe", "you'll be fine". Tell your wife that you now understand that your marriage is over and would like sit down with her right now to discuss what will be best for your child. Tell her that you will get the paperwork started when she is gone since it would not be good for the child if you dragged it out. By moving forward now before she leaves the impact may get through to her. I wish that you had already contacted an attorney. The fact that you have not is why she may be thinking that you will not do it. Go to a computer right now and google a list of divorce attorneys in your area. Call a number of them and leave messages for them to call you back. Set an appointment right now. Let her see you taking the calls. If you can book an appointment before she leaves. Again let her know. Link to post Share on other sites
Calif_hope Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Vanhandle.... First I am sorry you are going through this. My suggestion is to draft the terms of your seperation upon her return (crossing my fingers she isn't going) spell out your expectation that your home is no longer her home if you can or suggest house share (you 4 days/her 3 days) with child staying in the home....spell out her financial responsiblities to the home and bills, give her a copy of the draft........tell her that you intend to see an attorney to initiate seperation - leading to divorce as quick as you can after the wheels leave the ground......make an appointment with any attorney at this point - good or bad, just that you can tell her that before she lands in Cuba you will already have seen an attorney. Make it clear to her that "sorry" or "I regret" will have no bearing in staying together - that the nature of her violation - you asking her not to go, knowing your position and utlilmatium - that their will be no forgiveness - she will lose a husband, and a friend, and all she will be is the mother of your child. Tell her that you don't want to but you are ready to move on, to findsome one who will respect you. Tell her that she needs to make living arrangesments for herself when she returns while she is in Cuba. If you can communicate with her parents, family, mutural friends "if she gets on that plane your marriage is over" I rambled, but I just read your thread and I am feeling a bit angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) before private emails can be sent. If you keep posting even one word replies you'll get there and I'm sure people can help. Jump around to different threads and just say "agreed" or "keep your head up" or "Good luck" to get to the magic 50..... Stay strong, I can only imagine the hell, but your wife is in a fog and right now there is no way to stop her, without her turning 100% against you. When she returns and you have the proof, then you can confront her and her family and friends and decide the next move. Edited August 1, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 and she made it clear that if she does not go they are getting divorced. There is no middle ground. She stays, she will turn it all on him (her friends she is going with, her family and anyone who will listen) as to this controlling out of his mind semi-abusive (ie. she feels he is forcing/coercing her and will say it is mental cruelty) spouse. Maybe Van you tell one of her friends she is traveling with everything you know (short of the PI) and that you are disgusted that she is an accomplice to this and hope someone can talk her out of it. Van I don't know what to do, but I think you are handling it as well as one can and to explode now or forbid her from going serves you no good as she is probably gone. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 I agree with some of the other posters. Lawyer up today. I know it's scary but I'm so proud of you! I was a complete doormat when my husband started cheating and he took advantage of that, just like your wife is trying to do to you. If I could go back and change how I reacted, I'd have stopped crying, stopped talking, and seen a lawyer immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Sorry Van:(. Link to post Share on other sites
Calif_hope Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 My Significant Other came up with a possible solution. She said she came up with he idea after I asked to go to a friends batchelor party at a strip club. Let her go, the condition for you to not move on immediate divorce is that as soon as she returns she takes a polygraph examination. She has already proven untrustworty so she has little foundation to be insulted. And, she says nothing is going to happen, therefore she shouldn't be concerned about a lie detector test. That is if she is telling the truth. Seems like a WIN WIN....... And I get to go to my friends batchlor party! Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 She is leaving in 24 hrs and the emotions are running roughshod on me. I thought I was OK 2 days ago but now? Dunno man...this f**king sucks! No matter how well you prepare for this, it'll still be a roller coaster. Your wife and you and still very connected. The goal (IMO) from this point forward is to disconnect from the evil and move to a place where is doesn't exist. Your wife can't go there to be with you if you're stuck in hellish limbo with her. It takes courage, it takes resolve. No one said it was going to be easy. With all due respect in regards to the other advice you've received, I strongly suggest you refrain from talking to her (and that includes mutual friends and her family) about anything other the finances and the well being of your children. Any talk from you regarding this trip or your relationship will result in nothing more than driving her farther away from you. That is, if you hope to salvage the relationship. I repeat what I said before; your wife is in love with another man and right now, she sees you as the roadblock between her and what she wants. And she wants him. The idea is to let this fall apart naturally...for her to desire again the one who truly loves and cares about her and the restoration of your family. If she really does love this man and it turns into a long term thing, there isn't anything you could have said to change her mind anyway. The key to understanding lies in her knowing -for certain- that you didn't manipulate. You won't talk her out of it. You won't guilt her out of it. You can't. She already knows all of it and she's not listening. She doesn't want to listen. Your focus should be on you and your children. Let her go. she doesn't want help. When she does, she'll be very clear. You can decide then. Hang in. Day by day, hour by hour. You didn't cause this. She did. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 and I hope that is what you saw in what I said. Say nothing until she is back and you have the proof you need. As for the friend's she's going with I meant (to be clear) let them know you are not a doormat and know exactly what is happening. No more needs to be said. I hope upon her return it is salvageable if that is what you truly wish. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 You won't talk her out of it. You won't guilt her out of it. You can't. She already knows all of it and she's not listening. She doesn't want to listen. Your focus should be on you and your children. Let her go. she doesn't want help. When she does, she'll be very clear. You can decide then.You may be right that he may not be able talk her out of it, but you are wrong saying that he should sit back and let it happen. If he does not try, she will later use it against him claiming "if you really cared, you would have really tried to stop me". He needs to be to be free of all self doubt and blame when the marriage fails. He needs to not have to look back with any regret. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vanhandle Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 a. She stays, she will turn it all on him (her friends she is going with, her family and anyone who will listen) as to this controlling out of his mind semi-abusive (ie. she feels he is forcing/coercing her and will say it is mental cruelty) spouse. So, so true. Which is why I would rather have the proof, be it photos, video, whatever, and then take action. That way she cannot bull**** everyone as to the reason we are divorcing. She will have a lot of sympathetic ears so I can't take that chance. @Steadfast - we are (were?) so connected you have no idea! At first I had a really hard time accepting the notion that she loved someone else, but now I am beginning to accept that reality. Still hurts like hell coz its the worst kind of rejection. She has been a nervous wreck the last 48 hrs. You can say she has aged immensely. She's always asking me what's wrong, why am I silent, what am I thinking... I keep telling her "nothing, I'm just being silently calm". Its really unnerving her. Guilt mixed in with fear can be bitch I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
PatFinkle Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Isn't divorce no fault in most places? You don't need proof, why bother? --Pat F Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 So, so true. Which is why I would rather have the proof, be it photos, video, whatever, and then take action. That way she cannot bull**** everyone as to the reason we are divorcing. She will have a lot of sympathetic ears so I can't take that chance. @Steadfast - we are (were?) so connected you have no idea! At first I had a really hard time accepting the notion that she loved someone else, but now I am beginning to accept that reality. Still hurts like hell coz its the worst kind of rejection. She has been a nervous wreck the last 48 hrs. You can say she has aged immensely. She's always asking me what's wrong, why am I silent, what am I thinking... I keep telling her "nothing, I'm just being silently calm". Its really unnerving her. Guilt mixed in with fear can be bitch I guess. and drawn into this, but I think you are handling it amazingly well and have said your piece. Any more and it comes across either as bullying or grovelling and you have to stay strong. Focus on the children and time to yourself. Heck it is Mob Week on AMC, watch The Godfather, Goodfellas, Scarface, Casino and all those movies you probably don't when your spouse's around;)..... Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 You may be right that he may not be able talk her out of it, but you are wrong saying that he should sit back and let it happen. If he does not try, she will later use it against him claiming "if you really cared, you would have really tried to stop me". He needs to be to be free of all self doubt and blame when the marriage fails. He needs to not have to look back with any regret. No one can force someone to cheat. No one can force someone not to. There are difficulties in every marriage. Her cheating belongs to her alone. If the words vanhandle has written are true, she knows his feelings on the situation. There is no need to belabor it. To do so turns his actions from caring into possessiveness. That is not love, it is a result of not being loved. As I said, love is a gift. Not an obligation. Even without saying a word this wife knows what she's doing is wrong. She is stubborn and strong willed. She does not care, and threatened divorce is she was not allowed to go. In my experience, this situation can not be resolved by talking. Just because I have lived this does not make my advice sound. It is, in fact, the best possible course of action for someone in vanhandle's shoes. His wife is deep in affair fog and is acting on pure emotion and selfishness. To actually help her, if it ever gets to that point, he needs to be in a place of clarity and a position of strength. He needs to be a man. I believe he is. I appreciate your reasonable outlook Try. But reason is long gone here. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 ...Which is why I would rather have the proof, be it photos, video, whatever, and then take action. That way she cannot bull**** everyone as to the reason we are divorcing. She will have a lot of sympathetic ears so I can't take that chance. @Steadfast - we are (were?) so connected you have no idea! At first I had a really hard time accepting the notion that she loved someone else, but now I am beginning to accept that reality. Still hurts like hell coz its the worst kind of rejection. I understand friend. I have been there. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Hard as it is to deal with, the emotions of loss, abandonment, loneliness and mourning are all part of the healing process. Don't rush it. We seldom regret what we don't say. Someday, looking back, both you and her will appreciate that someone took the high road. She'll admire you. As for the 'evidence', you could enlist Jesus Christ as your star witness and it wouldn't influence the people that choose to side with her. Please take my advice and resist the temptation to 'lay it all out there'. You'll just be disappointed that no one cares. Just another thing to be depressed about. Even though my wife didn't deserve it, I tried to handle my business like the ultimate gentleman. I didn't talk to anyone, besides my circle of council. I have proven my worth in the face of her unworthiness. I have a wonderful relationship and the respect of my kids and my beautiful girlfriend. Half her family too. The ones that choose to hold hard feelings do so with absolutely no foundation. It is freedom. It is priceless. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Sorry to chime in on this but Cubans from Cuba who reside in Cuba, are not eligible for spousal petitions. They will already have to be in the US to be able to obtain legal status. Unless your friend paid for him to be smuggled to US shores, I wouldn't see how in the world she was able to bring him here. Your friend is probably from Dominican Rep or another island but not Cuban OR he's not telling you that he swam across 90 miles... LOL! This is bs! Could bebecause none of this takes place in the US Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 If he does not try, she will later use it against him claiming "if you really cared, you would have really tried to stop me". Too easy to combat.... "If you really cared you never have done this to begin with" Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 No one can force someone to cheat. No one can force someone not to. There are difficulties in every marriage. Her cheating belongs to her alone. Letting her know that she cannot have her cake and eat it is not forcing anything on anyone. In her fog she seems to think that she can. Just because I have lived this does not make my advice sound. It is, in fact, the best possible course of action for someone in vanhandle's shoes. His wife is deep in affair fog and is acting on pure emotion and selfishness. To actually help her, if it ever gets to that point, he needs to be in a place of clarity and a position of strength. He needs to be a man. I believe he is. I appreciate your reasonable outlook Try. But reason is long gone here. Once she sleeps with the OM there will be no opportunity for Vanhandle to help her as the marriage will be done. What I said just makes sure that Vanhandle has no regret when he looks back. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Letting her know that she cannot have her cake and eat it is not forcing anything on anyone. In her fog she seems to think that she can.. You dont have to try to stop her to achieve this Once she sleeps with the OM there will be no opportunity for Vanhandle to help her as the marriage will be done. What I said just makes sure that Vanhandle has no regret when he looks back. Looks like the marriage is already done...you dont have to sleep with someone to kill a marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 @Tech, Toodamn, Stead, Stone, Soul, YellowShark and Try - Thank you, your words are very encouraging. Don't worry I'm not easily intimidated so I am still here. My daughter's birthday was great but inwardly sad for me coz this just might be the last birthday she'll have with her parents married. This is so wrong. Everyday I pinch myself in the hopes that I wake up from this nightmare. @mimolicious - Thanks for the encouragement, but we're Canadian so there is no embargo. If she has the will then anything is possible. But, I highly doubt she wants to bring him over. She just wants the "salsa" on the side and me as the safe haven. As far as the guy is concerned, from what I have uncovered, he is an up and coming singer who just released a popular song and he just signed a contract with a big time (Cuban) producer. He's quite educated and his father is also in the music business so I don't think he's one of those no-good louts at the resorts. I'm not trying to defend or put him in good light, but just trying to shed light on what might have been so alluring to my wife. Either way its f**ked up...for me and my children! She is leaving in 24 hrs and the emotions are running roughshod on me. I thought I was OK 2 days ago but now? Dunno man...this f**king sucks! She keeps telling me "be confident", "don't pass bad vibes to the universe", "you'll be fine". I said "you're damn right I'll be right" and then I couldn't hold myself from saying "Just so you know they don't have condoms in Cuba". I know, I know, but I just couldn't sit passively and watch her go off without me putting in a dig. OH MY! Then yes, you are screwed! Canada is the hub for American-Cubans to reach the motherland too. Oh dayum! I can't even know what to say. Don't only say that "you'll be right"- BELIEVE IT and BE IT! I promise you that you WILL BE RIGHT. You have to start thinking of what's next though. Unless you are willing to live in such marriage. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Letting her know that she cannot have her cake and eat it is not forcing anything on anyone. In her fog she seems to think that she can. Once she sleeps with the OM there will be no opportunity for Vanhandle to help her as the marriage will be done. What I said just makes sure that Vanhandle has no regret when he looks back. Agree with this, or at least the motivation behind it. I know you mean well but have you considered (or read) that vanhandle has already done these things? It's good to take a stand, establish boundaries, but counter-productive (and manipulative) to repeat the same things over and over. That's my point. Judging by what I've read here, you suggest OP do everything over. To be sure. Maybe affair fog effects hearing too? I'm guessing you are female, and not a cheater. That would explain why you'd appreciate direct dialog and a man who wouldn't 'give up' so easily. The problem, at least in this case, is his not giving up cannot compensate for her. He can't 'stop' her and trying just makes it worse. In a relationship that's truly whole and healthy, both partners must feel the kind of love and connection that makes cheating a non-issue. One can't do it for both. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Could bebecause none of this takes place in the US Then as I did, stating places wouldn't hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Then as I did, stating places wouldn't hurt. 'It s Canada Link to post Share on other sites
MusicMan1234 Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 You gave her a clear ultimatum. If she goes on the trip, you will divorce her. If she goes, have the papers ready by the time she goes back. I know it sucks for the children, but being a parent is all about being a role model. You must show your children that you're not the kind of person to be disrespected and walked all over like this, and that neither should they be. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts