John Michael Kane Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 If you'd bothered reading any of the thread, you'd know that's already his plan and therefore trite advice. First of all, I don't have time to read every single irrelevant post on a thread. Second of all, it's not trite advice if this man's wife is obviously unremorseful so therefore your point is moot. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I was doing ok from last evening till this afternoon. Now I feel like sh*t again. I was pacing around the house like a caged animal... What your wife is doing is wrong on so many levels, it's difficult to list them all. Too few books or articles have been written on the very pain you're going through because -frankly- nobody really knows what to say besides hate her, despise her, file for divorce and leave. But I will remind you of this fact: even the very best (as it were) very hottest sex is not worth the payment she is making to get it. I have nothing to base it on, but I've heard many say affair sex does not match the hype. In any case, when it is over and she's faced with the consequences, she will realize the poor trade. It may seem like vile rage and torment, but what you're really experiencing is your love for her being put to death. It hurts because it's part of you. Am I reading too much into this? I know someone in my situation will tend to obsess and over-analyze things to death but seriously...am I? I just chucked my dinner coz the imagery flashed in my head. Start by putting it out of your head. This will be a mechanical action at first, but it will become more natural. You may still be legally bound but the marriage is over and has been for awhile. She is just making it official. Focus on the things I mentioned in my last message; you, your kids, the divorce details and moving on. Let her go. Someday, sooner than you think, her having sex will affect you no more than any other person engaging in the act. It's true. You'll feel better when the divorce is final. No matter how much of a 'player' her lover is, and no matter how strong her feelings, he'll lack respect for the cheating wife and she'll know he's a man who sleeps with married women. Deep down inside they actually despise each other. What they have is rotten, from the inside out. This is the hardest of times in a relationship failure. Remind yourself it is her choosing, her actions and her decision. Remove yourself from the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
aeg512 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 You did previously mention her being rather nervous several days before leaving. Make her more nervous, send her a text or email and ask why she took the items that were used only when you two were having sex? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Sorry to tell you man that the only way out of these emotions is through. You do survive even though it feels like you won't for awhile. Later you even start to feel like a functioning person again. Breaking the marital bond through adultery actually injures the limbic system (responsible for emotions) in your brain. Don't beat yourself up if you aren't normalized for at least 6 months. It's normal and you memory will suck for a bit too as well you are not going to be able to eat as much and you will drop weight. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Stay strong and don't think about sex, your performance or her orgasms..... It will eat you up inside. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I was doing ok from last evening till this afternoon. Now I feel like sh*t again. I was pacing around the house like a caged animal, going thru things and noticed/remembered a few things: - She took her sexy silk kimono that she used to wear whenever she felt frisky and in a sexy moody. - Her vibrator and lube and all (FYI, she's one of those women who has never been able to have a full orgasm. Believe me I tried and I'm no slouch in that department. Therefore we always used it as a supplement to our sex in search of that elusive orgasm) - Her new favourite perfume (which I mentioned in a previous post) - She took her new sexy thongs Am I reading too much into this? I know someone in my situation will tend to obsess and over-analyze things to death but seriously...am I? I just chucked my dinner coz the imagery flashed in my head. So basically...potentially...she'll finally be getting off with the help of this guy...wow! my head is spinning. Van... You know what she went to do. Quit eating yourself up by asking silly questions like "am I reading to much into this?" Let it go man. You said you piece...you resolved to carry it out....let it go; its dead. I know, I know "easier said than done". But this is the reality of your situation and nothing will change this. Either you move on to a new life full of new friendships, opportunities and experiences or you go nowhere...its your call. Dont beat youself up...take it as a life learning experience and grow. Opportunity is born from adversity and life may be trying to tell/offer you something....you cant have ups with out downs.... Learn from your "downs" and relish the "ups". Focus on yourself....call up your buddies, go out, have fun..do whatever because (kids aside) its now all about you. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 ..break this womans heart into a thousand pieces. She sounds like a terrible human being. I'm reeling. Doesn't appear she has much of one left. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 was in the middle of editing my post... You know what you are going to do about your marriage so that is addressed. Now....Focus on yourself....call up your buddies, go out, have fun, have a drink (dont DUI), have sex..do whatever because (kids aside...of course) its now all about you. You can do all these things and still be a good Dad so its all good. Link to post Share on other sites
Doing it Since '78 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Keep your head up bro- At this stage of the game, dig deep and find the inner you, the inner gladiator/soldier- You are going to need it in the next few days, weeks, months, etc in order to survive this shock, betrayal and utter pile of warm dog chit that she is shoving in your face- Start looking at the chess board from the place of a bobby fisher, and start making strategic, cold and calculating moves that will give you and your children the best outcome aka the upper hand in negotiating your divorce settlement that will prove to be the most beneficial for your own purposes- Any emotional outburst you would like to display, please refrain from (violence either verbal, mental or physical)- Your wife is in a deep stage of sickness, not of the heart but of the mind- She is as much a victim of her selfishness and deceit as you are- At the end of the day she played the $hit out of herself, but YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT! Trust that bro, and no matter what happens, keep your cool, and treat it at this point as cut throat business- Don't think Michael Corelone, think Bernie Madoff- Use your knowledge, and business acumen to turn out the best outcome for yourself- Stay Strong brother man! Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Has she called you or her children since she left? If not, remember just how long it takes for her to call. Even those on her side will question why she did not call. If she does call be polite but do not talk to her, just put her on with the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vanhandle Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 @sparten - I'm in between depression and acceptance but then I revert to anger. Not the initial kind of anger but anger at myself for not having the fortitude to nip this in bud. I know, I know, hindsight is 20/20...but still. @musicman- actually, other this despicable behaviour, she is not a terrible person. Really, in "normal" times she is a very, very good person. That's what's painful to me. That I know she is not this terrible yet she did (doing) this. Unfathomable. @Try - will be seared in my memory. less painful as time goes by, but seared nevertheless. @Steadfast - might be true that the sex doesn't match the hype, but let's agree that its not much of a consolation when I'm left with the fact that she slept with another man. I try to put it of my head by getting angry and thinking of the next step. Then it comes crumbling down when I get home and see personal items like our bed, closet, her towel, etc...I'll keep trying though. Thnks. @aeg512 - LOL, I had just that thought earlier this evening. I just didn't know how to phrase it. @dreamingof tigers - yep that's what I'm going thru and I've already lost 20 pounds since march. I'm a shell of my usual self. @stonecold - I know, I know but I can't help it. I'll try my best. Thanks. @bentnotbroken - no it doesn't. but what's scary is the cold efficiency with which she goes about the usual family/work routine yet continues to connive and deceive maliciously. wow. I'm going to meet with 2 of my (our) very close friends who by the way are the ONLY ones I have confided in since D-Day. They have amazing in supporting me. Link to post Share on other sites
Doing it Since '78 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 One more thing I would like to add bro- If you can manage, keep away from the bottle, that fifth of Jacky D or Crown can be very comforting at a time like this, but that motherucker will drag you lowwwww Stay up baby! Link to post Share on other sites
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 What an incredible man! OMG. Your handling of this situation is brilliant. I would also be one to hire a private investigator and have all of my ducks in a row. She sounds like she would try to tell everyone you were the reason for divorce (which would cause more pain). Even if she didn't, everything that's coming to her is earned and deserved. I commend you for the way you've handled this. Your obvious strength in character will be rewarded. Please continue to stay strong! The point of no return has been reached. Never surrender! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vanhandle Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 @Doingit - thanks. @Try - She has been texting since she left. No calls - too expensive. @yeahdotdotdot - Yes, there is a PI in the picture. Thanks for the support. @steadfast - One more thing I forgot to include in my response to you. I highly doubt she told him she's married. Even if she did tell him, I also highly doubt he would give a ****. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 @steadfast - One more thing I forgot to include in my response to you. I highly doubt she told him she's married. Even if she did tell him, I also highly doubt he would give a ****. Believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see. Disconnect from her emotionally. You start by faking it, then it becomes natural. Do it. At some point, you'll need to cut communication to LC levels...limited only to matters concerning the children and finances. Once the divorce is underway, most of the 'talking' will be done between the lawyers. This will be an improvement. I know it is difficult, but you must remove yourself from the equation. If she's anything like my ex, she'll probably try to reel you in one way or another. Years later, mine is still playing games. Tonight, she had an animated, hour-long telephone conversation with her boyfriend...in my driveway! That is, until I walked out and asked her to leave. Truly; WTF? Why? Why do they do these things? Because the sick in cheating and manipulation love control...or the illusion of it. It may not seem like it, but you play a big part in this affair. You are an emotional tie...a safe haven. Take it back. Let her go. Life is too short to live through this useless crap. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Hey Van---it really doesn't matter whether she sees another man, or not---it doesn't matter whether the P I finds anything or not What is comes down to in this situation, is that you asked your wife not to go, you put pressure on her not to go---she knew you were going to be consumned by terrible hurt if she went, cuz of what your sub-conscious was/is doing to you You asked her respect the mge., respect you, respect her own flesh and blood kids---and what did she do, she said to you "up-yours"----she basically has told you, that she does not wish to be a married couple anymore---she wants to do what she wants, and she doesn't care if you hurt in the before/while/after she has gone on and completed her little escapade Sex doesn't matter here anymore, its now about respect, trust, and lying. You can't have a mge. where only one of the partners follows the married script, and the other partner wants to follow the singles, sleep around, have a good time script. Link to post Share on other sites
Everest_21 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 VANHANDLE, Dude, you better send an e-mail to that latino dick.He needs to know what he is getting into.Send him an e-mail detailing about your marriage(including pics) and let him know that he too is playing a hand in destroying your marriage albeit unknowingly.What can be a better revenge than ****ing up her holiday while she is with him(?). Maybe at least when your marriage is done and finished you can tell the kids you did everything in your power to save your marriage. Why don't you highlight the fact to your wife that everything in this marriage has been about her only while you kept bending backwards to accommodate her.Well whose spouse keeps on going for "me-time" holidays so much when the have a "good husband that is an integral part " of their lives. Well I can't suggest anything new but atleast why don't you go out and find a FWB to keep you company-time-to-time(well at least after your wife is back). Document everything and leave nothing.If she tries to slander you socially ,make sure you have good enough ammo in your arsenal. Well I know it's easy to say but try building a newer and more fulfilling relation with your kids instead of obsessing over you wife. Get out of the house for a few days to calm yourself up. Begin the healing process and make yourself immune for future pleading and begging from your wife if it ever may come. Stay focused Link to post Share on other sites
Everest_21 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 VANHANDLE, End the process of anguish and begin the process of healing.Anguishing over sex-toys,Kimono's and dildo's are not worth your time.Healing is someting you need now and I stress it clearly "NOW". Your case is such that you start healing now and warm yourself up so that you are immune to your wife's possible begging and pleading when she comes back(but don't obsess over getting any remorse out of your wife-if she doesn't offer it.) "This is now Von-Clausewitz **** total ****ing war"-Law.Abiding.Citizen. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 @Try - She has been texting since she left. No calls - too expensive. Take advantage of her not being in phone contact by launching now with your offense. Tell family and friends that when emails showed that she was going to Cuba to be with a lover you asked her not to go. Tell them that you told her if she went you would have no choice but to divorce her. It does not matter if she denies sex with the other man, because the emails show that you had good reason to ask her not to go and she went anyway. She will be at a huge disadvantage when you do this because it will be harder for her to put her spin on it while she is in Cuba. Also, it will mess up her trip since she will hear about it and have to start dealing with the questions during her trip. Her BF will see the ugly side of her as she reacts and he will know that she is in fact in the wrong. Do it now while you have the advantage. By the time she gets back, word would have spread and she will already be the villain in the eyes of many. Link to post Share on other sites
krokodil_Gena Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) VAN, *NO, do NOT email the guy abut "him destroying your marriage" blah blah blah... you will only come off as powerless weakling/"tryapka" (floor-wipe) and wining (spelling?) you may (and what do others think of this?) just email him (from a newly created email - for anonimity) a brief statement something like "just making sure she told you the truth: [name] is ...or WAS married and already has 3 kids" <-- and that is if she lied to him about being single. but the gamble is he may or may not care. <-- so *I* probably wouldnt. IMPORTANT: 1) YOU are the one in control and the ball was always YOURS - yes there was denial on your part, but almost from the start you knew and your gut was right about her affair, lies, deceptions, and they were all *carefully planned*. You simply collected evidence of her infidelity to confront her about broken vows. you presented her numerous opportunities to make things right *and you did so with outstanding manner, bravo*. THEN, since you knew, and she knew that you knew, from her actions the trend was clear (i already expected - even halfway up to this point) that she would go to him regardless so... her going was PREDICTABLE and thus only a link in YOUR strategy chain. yes, you gave her the chances to reconsider, but it was only an illusion that you are giving her choice and she had control over the outcome. the reality is things were already set. you have a chance/time to get one or two steps ahead of her while she is "occupied". go to lawer ASAP, get things going with divorce and all that. which leads me to... 2) start talking NOW to her close friends/family that you are divorcing her on grounds of HER cheating/having affair with/seeing this young Cuban guy. yes you do have more than enough evidence to back up your claims (at least to them) if needed, "...and despite your continued efforts to work things out and warnings she went to be with him openly, abandoning you and kids behind" <-- yes, use this phrase when talking to them!!! they are not layers so no need to worry about delicately formulating it, and it is the truth anyway. YOU tell them your story *FIRST* (dont bore them with details, be casual, somewhat brief - if they will ask questions, give brief casual answers). this way they will be waaaay more receptive as opposed to being caught and hit from two sides of a quarrel at the same time, giving *YOU* attention and seeing your side of things. when SHE comes over *SHE* will be the one judged and much more likely be making poor attempts at turning their opinions as people will see through her. ^^^ again, this is not the court so you have enough evidence to *be confident* about it and the outcome. best of luck. PS. who taught me this?? yes "she" did. mine was sleeping with a guy 20+ yrs younger "not so secretly" for about a year?? (ah who cares) and telling me what a good guy he is. whatever... i "blessed them" on their thing and went on my merry way, being happily single and free again after 10 years. less then half a year later when i returned from travels, she called me asking (with much hope in her voice) if i had gotten married hehehe. then, in a few months, just before holidays she assures me that she ended relationship with OM and realized how much better i am and that im the one she really wanted. to this day even though we did it a few times im still relatively cool towards her and she knows & feels it. i just *cant* open my heart to her in same way after all of that. and i dont really trust her as they are still in contact often (mostly by phone), ie how can i? ...ok fine, so now i get it with no "couples strings" attached. whatever. btw, we do have a child together who is a beautiful happy little thing and of course i try to be a good father ***VAN, the moral is: her getting on that plane and the day after were the rock bottom. from her on out the only way FOR YOU is UP UP UP for the better! Edited August 5, 2011 by krokodil_Gena Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Why in the world would he send OM an email? This is not about OM. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I dont get why many of you keep going back to Van telling all the family and friends. Family and friends arent a part of this marriage and I fail to see what it would do for him. And dont send the other man an email thats ghey....its not like he would give a rats ass anyways and you'll just end up looking like a punk Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Van what have you done since she's left? Have you talked to a lawyer? Have you divided all joint accounts in half and established you own checking and savings account? Have to talked with a real estate agent? Did you get the lawyer to draw up separation papers? (I believe in Canada, you have to be separated for a peroid of time before you can actually divorce...I could be wrong) Did you start boxing her stuff up? Did you tell your in-laws? She'll need a place to stay after she returns! Lots of work to do brother! Oh, and I hope you're not responding to those texts! Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I dont get why many of you keep going back to Van telling all the family and friends. Family and friends arent a part of this marriage and I fail to see what it would do for him. Sorry, that's just not true. Family and friends are an integral part of any marriage. Most marriage books will tell you to surround yourself with other happily married couples, they are a support line for your own marriage. Notice what kind of friends Van's wife has surrounded herself with? Exposing in this case is about getting support from family and friends. He's going to need it now, and she shouldn't have it. He needs to make sure they know the truth because she's already proven she will LIE and LIE and LIE some more. Should he give her the opportunity to convince everyone in their life that this is all his fault, to ruin his support system? I promise she'll try to do just that. None of us live on an island, we all need friends and family, especially during hard times like this. Getting a divorce is easy, living through it not so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 unconscionable, but that does not mean divorce is always the end result. We don't and neither does Van know what will be the final result. He has been shook to the core and everyone telling him what to do about his marriage is often misplaced and sometimes nasty. He still loves his wife and family and it is obvious to me he wants to get her back (but will not be a fool or door mat in doing so). Van I was thinking (and spouse mentioned it too), as to whether you have group benefits. Am in the industry and within your plan (or spouse's) there may be an EAP (employee assistance program). Call them now and speak to a councellor. This is an emergency. They will help. If not look up free services available in the area (plenty in the GTA). You need to talk to people about this and professionals are the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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