Wife is about to make it physical.

[reboot]

Van, you have EVERY reason to be angry, even without any knowledge of what went on in Cuba. Just be politely angry and standoffish till you get the goods. Unless she's a complete moron she'll have to understand why you would be angry, even though she doesn't really understand.

[Chi townD]

huh? Okay, she hid the camera in the closet to make you believe that she took the camera and gave a flashdrive to her friend to get pics off of her camera? For what purpose? To show you pics of sand beaches and old buildings that her friend took and not what she was doing in her hotel room because she didn't do a lot of site seeing? Something like that?

[dreamingoftigers]

She should be home by now.

 

Chi, that's what I'm trying to figure out. How to play it smooth while faced with her affection "blitz". Remember I can't argue or discuss this until I have my PI stuff. Till then, I'll have to grind my teeth and bear it.

 

You know how to play pretend.... Set up a nice romantic date on the way home. Grab some dinner to go etc. Card, flowers the whole bit. Just mash the guilt into the bitch. Trust me they get snarky because they feel it.

 

Then if she wants to have sex, apologize saying that you got so excited about her coming home that you already jerked off and can't go again and that your stomach is upset so you aren't going to be pleasuring her either.

 

She'll chalk up the nervousness to you being worried what things would be like when she got home because of the "little fight" you had when she went to Cuba. Act like she got you where she wants you. Even if she just can't home to dump you, let her feel that disgusting guilt when she sees you coming through the door to romance her. You only need to do it for one night. Know that you have the upper hand and you are going to give her what is coming to her tomorrow.

 

Let her relax it in, let her think she got off Scott-free

[Vanhandle]

No Tech, I'm not buying any of it. My Bs detector is so off the charts that ill have to replace it soon

 

Dreaming, you're so right about the self-esteem. It's very in the grand scale of this ****, but still something.

 

Chi, Ill try clarify about the camera in another post coz this bloody iPhone is killing me.

[Owl]

Or...don't go home at all. Tell her that you set boundaries before she left...you made it clear what the impacts would be if she left. As a result, now that she's home, she can stay there and you'll stay at a friend's for now.

 

Then once you've got your proof and your plan...implement it.

[Vanhandle]

@dreaming -

[Chi townD]

OH DAMN!!! I wish I would have thought about this before. I wish we could have told you to purchase several different voice activated recorders to planet around the house and in her car. Because, once she notices that you're "stand offish" and not engaging, her mind is gonna go into over drive and she may want to discuss it with the girlfriend that went on the trip with her. She may have given herself up in a phone conversation, "Do you think he knows something?"

[dreamingoftigers]

I personally really like the plan about him deceiving her into believing that they are going into honeymoon phase. I did that with my H just on the cusp of a DDay and whereas I can say it wasn't the most "mature" thing to do, I loved watching his assured arrogance all the way to the proof. The more apologetic you are, the more they feel entitled and then the more you can be disgusted with them. It helps kill the feelings you have for them. Really, really does.

[dreamingoftigers]

LS LESSON FOR ALL BS: voice recorders!

 

I should know this from having to deal with my Dad dammit.

 

You do however have a camera app on your phone. You can record conversations with it. I got a half hour one of my husband just before he went into treatment.

[Woggle]

The only problem is isn't recording illegal?

[reboot]

I personally really like the plan about him deceiving her into believing that they are going into honeymoon phase.

 

And I really think that's a bad idea.

[Miky]

Not in Canada ( One party knowledge is enough)

[Tech_E]

DOT you are an evil genious.... I LOVE it....

[Vanhandle]

I hope I can pull it off coz I'm a person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Which is why I never went into politics. i.e if I'm disgusted with someone's behavior....it shows!

 

I'm in a bind. If I'm pissed and grumpy she'll want to open up the discussion...too soon. OTH, if I play smooth...I'll get even more pissed coz I'll remember what she did. As if I'm ok with what she did.

[dreamingoftigers]

My Dad's pretty evil, I learned from the master and refined the craft

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope I can pull it off coz I'm a person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Which is why I never went into politics. i.e if I'm disgusted with someone's behavior....it shows!

 

I'm in a bind. If I'm pissed and grumpy she'll want to open up the discussion...too soon. OTH, if I play smooth...I'll get even more pissed coz I'll remember what she did. As if I'm ok with what she did.

 

Trust me, if you want to rip through this bad enough, you will find the steely little hardened bit inside you and be able to do it. I am a heart-on-my-sleever too, but somehow the adultery pissed me off so much that I am able to get right in the zone. I think after this nightmare week that you'll be able to look her in the eyes and pull it off. Even if you have to take it ten minutes at a time if it gets too overwhelming.

 

Getting cheated on does something to your mind, almost like you have been to another planet and back or something like it.

[Miky]

Van

 

What ever happens remember not to disclose all the info you have, if push come to shove, stay only on the fact that she went to that trip with you telling her that you will divorce her, don't show your big guns of the bet...ha and go buy that VAR!

[reboot]

I hope I can pull it off coz I'm a person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Which is why I never went into politics. i.e if I'm disgusted with someone's behavior....it shows!

 

I'm in a bind. If I'm pissed and grumpy she'll want to open up the discussion...too soon. OTH, if I play smooth...I'll get even more pissed coz I'll remember what she did. As if I'm ok with what she did.

 

I figured that out about you already. I'm the same way. That's why I said be standoffish. Remind her of the way things were left before she went on her trip. Tell her you're angry and confused and need time to think. Avoid a confrontation, don't start a fight. Just play it cool, as cool as you can anyway. Your time is coming.

[dreamingoftigers]

After they cheat, they become someone else to you. Don't try and use your anger to wake them up or get they to go back to who they were, they can't. They aren't who they were anymore and neither are you now. As much as it looks like her and talks like her the woman coming through your door is a stranger, like a weird cheating alien. If you knew that an alien took over your wife and in order to get an upper hand and stop the invasion you had to bring home a card a flowers and recording devices and act like you had no clue that an alien took her over. You could totally do it.

 

Been watching a little to much Sci-Fi lately but you get my point.

[Tech_E]

An old saying comes to mind, give her enough rope to hang herself.

 

Say little, watch everything she does and says. Record it. If you cannot record it, get a journal and write in it. When you emotions are running high your ability to store specific memories decreases.

 

Trust me she knows that you know at this point.

 

It's time to outsmart her. I'd say do whatever you can to completely mess with her head.

 

Look at what this _____ just put you through.

 

See personally if she mentioned sex with you I'd say "well I have to go out and buy some condoms first to protect myself" and leave the room.... Maybe a little too over the top though.

 

If you've used this time wisely you should be ready for this. I know you have. Sure your emotions are out of control and are sweeping from extreme to extreme, that's to be expected. Just take your time and relax before entering the field of mental warfare with her.

[Chi townD]

Well she knows that if she went on the trip it would be over between you two. So for the next couple of days let her know that you are angry because she left and that you aren't sure if you two will make it. Out of guilt she will buy this story and try and "work" for your marriage. Than when you get the information from the PI you can go off on her

 

 

Not, bad. Just say, "Look, I'm still put off that you went on this trip when I asked you not to. I'm not happy about it." That might put the wind out of her sails as far as trying to bed you. And try and keep that frame of mind. You don't know exactly what happened down there and you won't until you get the PI's photo's and report. So, right now, be angry about her going on that trip.

[Vanhandle]

I know what you mean DOT. It does something to that can't be put into words.

 

The only I'm concerned about being too standoffish is that she might conclude that its not going to work and thereby decide to preempt me. If she did that then I'd lose control of the process and the element of surprise. I'd be mighty pissed if that happened. Let's hope not.

[reboot]

This woman isn't a moron based on Van's description of her. Cards and flowers and romancing are likely to alert her to the fact that something is up. If I had every reason to believe that my partner was going to be royally pissed at me and they instead acted all sickly sweet, I'd be watching out for a knife held behind their back. This is real life, not a syfy movie.

[Steadfast]

There's lots of hi drama going on here; LS'ers sitting on the edge of their chairs waiting for the thrilling climax. Too bad there won't be one.

 

Judging by what I've read Van, you're a mess. Terrified of her anger and rage. Problem is, you are afraid of the wrong things. Your fear should be for yourself; the boundaries you've (supposedly) established and the ultimatums given. Didn't you say if she left you'd file? Didn't she respond and say if she didn't go, she would? What mystery is there left to uncover?

 

IMO, you haven't faced the fear of losing her...not by what I've seen written. The talk centered around having to 'wait' until you can spring your evidence is nonsense. You should be focused on being cool, calm and collected, making sure the fallout of rejection and anger is limited for the well being of your kids. Blown up or not, damage to her could direct damage to the children. More (possibly ignored in favor of more drama and jack-off humor) advice: when in doubt, do what's best for the kids.

 

With all due respect to you and others who have faced it, I faced it too. An eerily similar situation with a spouse that not only wanted what and who she desired, but demanded my understanding 'if I really loved her'.

 

Get untwisted. Pray for wisdom. Breathe, and strive for clarity.

 

Evidence or no evidence, when you do go home simply ask her to keep her distance. No games, no waiting, no drama and no fear. Face yours. Tend to the kids, prepare for your future. Be kind. I did not and would not tolerate living with her and yes; I put her out, amid all the anger, hostility and rebellion. I knew the divorce would ruin me financially and it did. I also knew my first priority was to restore respect for myself while I was providing an example for my kids. And while I 'lost it all', what I gained was far, far more valuable. And I did it all without raising my voice.

 

Face it. Focus on the kids and don't accept a love that's rotted away.

[reboot]

The only I'm concerned about being too standoffish is that she might conclude that its not going to work and thereby decide to preempt me. If she did that then I'd lose control of the process and the element of surprise. I'd be mighty pissed if that happened. Let's hope not.

 

She's expecting you to be angry. So be angry, just not over the top. Find reasons to be away from the house as much as possible. It's only for a couple of days, so just hang on tight.