Miky Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Van As I already said this is a very possible scenario and you need to be well prepared for that. As a matter of fact she already left the marriage, so if she leaves physically it is just the inevitable happening Hang in there There is a say "Every Dog will have his day of doom" Her is just coming Link to post Share on other sites
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I have to say I side with OWL on this one. There is less return in his situation, but less risk as well. She could spend a good bit of time biting her fingernails (while you're away) and you wouldn't have to worry about her trying to seduce you or sniff out your anger. Furthermore, she keeps asking if you're there, which tells me she wants you to be there for some reason. I like OWL's idea. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 StoneCold, Even cops have creative imaginations! What keeps us sane is the dark humor my friend. Better yet, Van should spill those post-copulation lines on her with a British accent. Now that would be cool. Yes, there is a slight chance that Van would have to run quickly afterward, but what a classy way to get your message across. C'mon BK... You're Five-O... you know better than this. He does this at that point and he'll be in a vulnerable position... nekkid. His nekkid arse will be running down the stret away from an enraged woman Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 If you remain calm;tell her your not happy and disengage, don't lose your cool. And fights will make her feel like she was justified to do what she did because you're a complete jerk. If she tries to pick a fight with you, just walk away.... Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 There's lots of hi drama going on here; LS'ers sitting on the edge of their chairs waiting for the thrilling climax. Too bad there won't be one. Judging by what I've read Van, you're a mess. Terrified of her anger and rage. Problem is, you are afraid of the wrong things. Your fear should be for yourself; the boundaries you've (supposedly) established and the ultimatums given. Didn't you say if she left you'd file? Didn't she respond and say if she didn't go, she would? What mystery is there left to uncover? IMO, you haven't faced the fear of losing her...not by what I've seen written. The talk centered around having to 'wait' until you can spring your evidence is nonsense. You should be focused on being cool, calm and collected, making sure the fallout of rejection and anger is limited for the well being of your kids. Blown up or not, damage to her could direct damage to the children. More (possibly ignored in favor of more drama and jack-off humor) advice: when in doubt, do what's best for the kids. With all due respect to you and others who have faced it, I faced it too. An eerily similar situation with a spouse that not only wanted what and who she desired, but demanded my understanding 'if I really loved her'. Get untwisted. Pray for wisdom. Breathe, and strive for clarity. Evidence or no evidence, when you do go home simply ask her to keep her distance. No games, no waiting, no drama and no fear. Face yours. Tend to the kids, prepare for your future. Be kind. I did not and would not tolerate living with her and yes; I put her out, amid all the anger, hostility and rebellion. I knew the divorce would ruin me financially and it did. I also knew my first priority was to restore respect for myself while I was providing an example for my kids. And while I 'lost it all', what I gained was far, far more valuable. And I did it all without raising my voice. Face it. Focus on the kids and don't accept a love that's rotted away. I wholeheartedly agree with this. And I admit to a similar ghoulish fascination with what is going to happen, but with a clearer head, I encourage you not to jack up the suspense and duplicity, just for drama's sake, and for the sake of creating the big reveal. If there weren't kids involved, I wouldn't even care, but as Steadfast points out, whatever damage you do now, whatever duplicity you inject into the situation for whatever reason, whatever blows you land "because you deserve it" will create effects that you will have to "work back" eventually once you guys transition into the parenting roles you will eventually hope will create a stable life for your kids. I say again, as I have before: set your boundaries, enforce them, and if you have decided to do so, file for divorce, make no bones about it, and advocate assertively for your reasonable rights. But minimize the the drama and showmanship. What purpose does it serve? You may deserve to strike some blows, you may deserve to shock and surprise her and leave her confused and upset, you my feel like making a big splash will help you move on and start healing. But be sure that what you do now will not toxify the environment in the longer term for your kids, because that environment will be based upon the new and different relationship you must forge as post-divorce parents, and any trust and hostility issues that are created now will carry over into that relationship later. Link to post Share on other sites
Bugz Bunny Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Don't go home as long as possible...put yourself together and breath my friend... just breath,life is to short so don't allow her to ruin it for you... If you decide to go home tonight don't hug her,don't kiss her,don't have sex with her (STD alarm),be distant,be cold,be short with your answers when she asks you something,avoid her in the house,go and do something and keep yourself busy an be as little as possible in the same room as her... Do all this till you have the evidence from PI... This are my advices to you,and I hope they can help you... Good luck and be strong... Link to post Share on other sites
Severely Unamused Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 There's lots of hi drama going on here; LS'ers sitting on the edge of their chairs waiting for the thrilling climax. Too bad there won't be one. Yes. I have noticed a curious, almost voyeuristic tone in this thread. I wonder what that says about us. And about Van. Anyway, I agree with the rest of Steadfast's post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vanhandle Posted August 12, 2011 Author Share Posted August 12, 2011 Steadfast and Trimmer, I absolutely agree that what I do now will have long term ramifications for my children. Rest assured that I have no intention of turning this into a "high drama" kind of spectacle. Absolutely not. I have every intention of calmly stating my case, informing her that I know what happened and that I am divorcing her. Nothing more, nothing less. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Van, I would like to share some profound advice once given to me by a very wise little green old man.... "Do. Or do not........there is no try" ~ Yoda Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Expect the unexpected, Van, even from yourself. As much as everyone says to stay strong, you're allowed to waver to and fro for a while. Feel free to take the time to think after the initial confrontation. Absorb her reaction, process it, and then do what you think is right. When I confronted my W, I found myself in the odd position of holding and consoling her as her world came crashing down. Odd but completely true to the complexity of human emotion and frankly, my love for her. Bear in mind that this was after discovering 30 hotel stays for her and the OM over the course of 13 months. 17 years together, 2 small kids, and not a particularly difficult marriage. We've reconciled. And I'm not a doormat or a cuckold, i just found the strength to forgive and give my M a second chance after she's done everything possible to reconcile. Not saying that this should be your choice. Every situation is different and people react differently. I'm just saying you're allowed to not be so sure. But is she's a @itch about it, yeah, I'd split, too. Either way, good luck. You have a lot of support here. Link to post Share on other sites
Ebony78 Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 There's lots of hi drama going on here; LS'ers sitting on the edge of their chairs waiting for the thrilling climax. Too bad there won't be one. Judging by what I've read Van, you're a mess. Terrified of her anger and rage. Problem is, you are afraid of the wrong things. Your fear should be for yourself; the boundaries you've (supposedly) established and the ultimatums given. Didn't you say if she left you'd file? Didn't she respond and say if she didn't go, she would? What mystery is there left to uncover? IMO, you haven't faced the fear of losing her...not by what I've seen written. The talk centered around having to 'wait' until you can spring your evidence is nonsense. You should be focused on being cool, calm and collected, making sure the fallout of rejection and anger is limited for the well being of your kids. Blown up or not, damage to her could direct damage to the children. More (possibly ignored in favor of more drama and jack-off humor) advice: when in doubt, do what's best for the kids. With all due respect to you and others who have faced it, I faced it too. An eerily similar situation with a spouse that not only wanted what and who she desired, but demanded my understanding 'if I really loved her'. Get untwisted. Pray for wisdom. Breathe, and strive for clarity. Evidence or no evidence, when you do go home simply ask her to keep her distance. No games, no waiting, no drama and no fear. Face yours. Tend to the kids, prepare for your future. Be kind. I did not and would not tolerate living with her and yes; I put her out, amid all the anger, hostility and rebellion. I knew the divorce would ruin me financially and it did. I also knew my first priority was to restore respect for myself while I was providing an example for my kids. And while I 'lost it all', what I gained was far, far more valuable. And I did it all without raising my voice. Face it. Focus on the kids and don't accept a love that's rotted away. I totally agree with this! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 LOL...OK your husband cheated. As you know I wont speak to the morality of that..... BUT How the hell did he get him self in the situation you mentioned....its so....wierd and... unnecessary Just one of my tamer fantasies I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Van, For what its worth there is a RASH of newly divorced people back on the market in our city and they as horny as f*ck. Apparently its like your 20s all over again. Just sayn....you do with that that you will Link to post Share on other sites
Washburn Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 so simply whats the plan? She comes back today...go over what your thinking of doing. Will you and the kids be outta the house? will you be there but kids are gone? Awaiting the PI results? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Everyone is just salavating with the impending PI results... I dunno.... I think it might be a bit disappointing. A lot of suggestive data but nothing that will flabberghast you Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Expect the unexpected, Van, even from yourself Exactly. No one said it would be easy. It isn't...none of it. It stinks, it's wrong and it's a damned shame you and your family have to deal with it. Nevertheless, you do. But approached correctly you'll emerge stronger, wiser and smarter. That's a fact. A promise. The quality of life will improve. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Steadfast and Trimmer, I absolutely agree that what I do now will have long term ramifications for my children. Rest assured that I have no intention of turning this into a "high drama" kind of spectacle. Absolutely not. I have every intention of calmly stating my case, informing her that I know what happened and that I am divorcing her. Nothing more, nothing less. I hear you. Good luck for a safe outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 When I confronted my W, I found myself in the odd position of holding and consoling her as her world came crashing down. Odd but completely true to the complexity of human emotion and frankly, my love for her. Bear in mind that this was after discovering 30 hotel stays for her and the OM over the course of 13 months. 17 years together, 2 small kids, and not a particularly difficult marriage. We've reconciled. And I'm not a doormat or a cuckold, i just found the strength to forgive and give my M a second chance after she's done everything possible to reconcile. There is a big difference between your situation and Van's. When you confronted your W she showed remorse and stopped. When Van had more than enough evidence and confronted his wife, she denied it and scheduled another trip; this with her knowing that he knew and knowing he told her it would be D if she got on the plane. Kidd, I have complete respect for your decision, but would you have taken your wife back if she said that she would stop the affair only after she was able to go on a two week vacation with her lover while you stayed home alone with the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I doubt I would have but I never thought I would take my W back after what she did either. I'm just wondering about Van's feelings if she comes home remorseful after this trip. The fog seems to lift different for some than others. Probably not realistic in this situation considering the denial and blameshifting but I think my W might have done the same denying had I not had the GPS. I guess I just envision Van's W presented with the evidence and perhaps having an unexpected reaction. Again, my W broke down. What will he do if that happens? My thought is that his resolve could also break and it seems valid to consider. I still hear love in his posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I'm just wondering about Van's feelings if she comes home remorseful after this trip. The fog seems to lift different for some than others. I would not be surprised if she did fake remorse now that she got her fix, but I do not think that she will really stop. Next time she will just be better at covering it up. Unlike some, I do not always recommend divorce when I give advice since I believe that people must go with what they think is best for their happiness. What makes this different is that she went even when she knew that he knew. That is one of the most heartless things that I have ever read. Fog or no fog she should not have been able to do that if she had any love left for him. I have never seen so many people so concerned about a poster as I have here. I for one have never been so drawn in. What makes this different than most is that Van seems to be a really decent person, and she is just so cold blooded that you have to feel for him. Also, although there is no excuse for cheating, in most cases of cheating the one cheated on did something to contribute to the motive. That is just not evident here. This is one of the rare cases where it is all her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vanhandle Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Try, you brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for the kind words. I'll be the first to admit that I was not perfect, maybe I could have been more attentive, more admiring, etc...BUT I did nothing to deserve this kind of cold-hearted betrayal and disrespect. I loved her with every fibre of my body and never wanted to be with anyone else in my life. True soul-mate and friend. This is pure selfishness on her part and destructive for all concerned. My heart cries at what she is doing to our family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vanhandle Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Kidd, I honestly can't say how I would react if she was remorseful. I'll know only when (if) it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Richard Friedman Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Van, issuing the ultimatum was well and good but when I read your posts, I still see weakness. You seem nervous that she'll fly into a rage or something when you confront? Why? YOU are the one who has every reason to get angry and she is the one who should be terrified. This woman has taken advantage of your nature and humiliated you in the worst way possible. For once let out your anger. Don't back down. If she raises her voice raise yours, and tell her exactly what she is. Your people pleasing conflict avoidant tendencies are what got them in this mess in the first place. And if youre worried about causing drama in front of your kids, don't be. Maybe seeing their dad stand up for himself might do them some good, eh? In many places a man will kill a woman for what she's done or at the very least give her a thrashing(Of course i'm not telling you to do that), and anything less would be seen as unbecoming of a man. , If you're afraid of her and are scared to even give her a tongue-lashing, what does that say about you? Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I agree with the poster above. Give her a piece of your mind, do not be scared of her or what she will do. Stand up for yourself, she has walked all over you, she is despicable. But, get a voice recorder so that its all on tape. Link to post Share on other sites
gallop30 Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 you have to accept that your wife isn't in love with you anymore. yes,she does love you like a friend,cousin,brother etc you failed somewhere along the line. i guess it was when you just gave up on being a man and let her take over that role. you are scared of her. a women wants a man who leads,tell her which way is up and so on,not a p...y if i were you,i wouldn't disclose any PI info. it'll make you look like a wuss,and she'll just laugh at you. just tell her that you want to separate for now(don't bring up the divorce in the sentence) and you'll decide what will happen in the future. she went away even when you told her that'll mean divorce=she lost all attraction for you and love as a partner. keep your word,and keep the little self esteem you have left. kids or no kids,your life and future matter too. you can't make your kids,family,friends happy if you're not happy with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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