Wife is about to make it physical.

[2011aug]

Take a note from Steadfast's book. It's right on.

I take it you mean his post #574? I dont know if non-exposure is the route. If evil deed is not exposed to light, wont it will fester and grow?

 

 

Isnt the goal to do the 180 and exposure?

[dreamingoftigers]

...and my goal is to actually try to give him advice that will objectively help him. Not simply tell him what he might think he wants to hear, which is apparently your objective.

 

"Poor little Van, it's all your wife's fault, how evil she is, how could she do this to you, no one can blame you for being completely blind-sided." Sure. Go ahead and tell him all these things that make him "feel better" but don't help him change what's wrong in his life.

 

People like you actually hurt people like Van.

 

You don't get it at all. Just like you didn't get, at all, my point about your capacity to rationalize.

 

Please review my objective, read for comprehension.

 

My point to you is that assaulting his character and letting him know what an apparent loser he is won't help him. Best case scenario you give him a bug of a shame cortisol rush or you get him at little pissed off at you.

 

Personally, do I think he should stay with his wife while she's acting like this: oh Hell no. But, it also isn't my marriage or my decision. It's his. I haven't hurt Van in any way. Cheating is his wife's fault, her behaviour is her problem and it is creating sickening problems for others. Her actions are incredibly immature.

 

So are your posts. And they actually contain a lot of really hurtful things that

you are delivering to the OP. But really, he has much bigger concerns.

 

And of course, like most people that ascribe to a perfectionistic approach to these posts, I must not "get it." LOL.

 

I got your point. I don't even disagree with your opinion, but like BNB already has let you know, it doesn't change anything and you are acting pretty childish, to say the least.

[StoneCold]

It's not future tense, it's past tense. It's already failed. His marriage IS a failure, it's been a failure for a long long time. HE failed, personally, by trying to bluff his wife into not going on her most recent trip by making a threat to divorce her (simply if she left, not based on what the PI found) which was insincere and untrue. If he was a man of his word and a serious person he would have filed for divorce as soon as she got on the plane and without waiting for the PI results.

 

The first thing Van has to realize is his marriage is OVER instead of continuing to pretend it's not already OVER or that somehow it can be "saved." He's got two choices only: Divorce, like he said he was going to; or remain married to a cheating wife.

 

I'm sure it's not at all helpful to him to have SO MANY people--I don't know if they're "betrayed spouses" but most of them seem to be women--here telling him to continue to tolerate what his wife is putting him through.

 

It's really crazy--I tell him he should simply do what he said he would do and get divorced (there's no reason not to, is there? she's totally lacking in remorse), and bentnotbroken jumps in and attacks me???? Then she turns around and says "oh yeah I'm not saying you should NOT confront and divorce"??? LOL if he's in shock and confused then he needs to be hearing a crystal clear straight forward message not this confused illogical female estrogen laden crap.

 

Dreamingof tigers??? Forget about it!!!

 

And this BB07 character who just chimes in "hydra" this and that (WTF does that even mean LOL?)

 

Sorry if you think anything I've posted is silly but if I thought it was silly I wouldn't post it.

 

 

I dont think the content of what you have posted is silly. It echos what I was saying......its the way you deliver it with th "fat" comments and such. Just take it easy is all I'm saying.

 

Give Van a chance to do something (or not do something) before you jump him. He just got the PI data and really he hasnt said much more since then and he has to plan his appraoch because his wife sounds extremely volatile....and when you are dealing with people like that a bad situation can get worlds worse in a heart beat.... I've seen it; he has to be one step ahead of her at all times and this takes some thought and planning

[reboot]

For god sakes DON'T lean on your kids. Dont make the burden of your failed marriage a further unnecessary burden for the kids. Its not their merriag its yours...

 

I would say....take pride in your kids

 

I didn't say burden his children, I said lean on them. Perhaps you don't understand family? I never discussed my wife's infidelity with them (even though they'd pretty much figured it out), but they helped me get through it. They stood by me, they stayed with me. They're with me still.

 

And you're wrong, it's just as much their marriage as it is their parent's. Maybe things are different in your country/culture/mind. My children were the best part of my marriage.

[StoneCold]

Doesn't really take a lot of thought and planning to kick out someone who has been cheating for years and running off with another man.

 

He knew what he needs to do for a long time.

 

 

No but it takes a lot of thought in dealing with a "psycho" girl immediately after the fact. I know many guys that have had crazy women complete screw their life up...cost them a fortune in damages, false allegations to the cops....if its wacko and off the wall its been done.

 

Dont be so naive

[StoneCold]

I didn't say burden his children, I said lean on them. Perhaps you don't understand family? I never discussed my wife's infidelity with them (even though they'd pretty much figured it out), but they helped me get through it. They stood by me, they stayed with me. They're with me still..

 

Leaning is burdening and I understand family very well thank you.

 

And you're wrong, it's just as much their marriage as it is their parent's. Maybe things are different in your country/culture/mind. My children were the best part of my marriage.

 

 

LMAO...reboot... marriages and spouses can come and go...evidently. But you dont have to be married to have kids and your kids will always be your kids regardless of what happense in your marriage.

 

lol you can beleive what you want but I pass on that dogmatic stuff

[StoneCold]

That has nothing to do with him leaving his wife. She has been cheating on him for years.

 

.

 

 

its had EVERYTHING to do with leaving her if shes going to go bat-**** crazy when he slaps her with the papers and proof

[reboot]

And now the hydra attempt to get this thread closed too.

[bentnotbroken]

And now the hydra attempt to get this thread closed too.

 

 

Yup! Seems to be the pattern.

[reboot]

We all know who you are. Your biggest problem is you (collectively) think you're the only person here with a half ounce of sense.

[Mrs. Jones]

I take it you mean his post #574? I dont know if non-exposure is the route. If evil deed is not exposed to light, wont it will fester and grow?

 

 

Isnt the goal to do the 180 and exposure?

 

Yes, that is the post I was referring to. It is brilliantly composed and I agree wholeheartedly. And yes, the goal is 180.

 

In time, her rubbish will be exposed. But in the meantime, why dirty your hands? Capisce?

[bentnotbroken]

Reminder to self to read thread later.

:lmao::lmao:LOL

[dreamingoftigers]

I comprehend what you wrote fully. You're a rationalizer, an unhappy person, like a lot of others here, and won't or can't do what you need to do to make your own life better. So you sit there and engage in quack therapies such as EMDR and encourage others to do the same.

 

LoL. You are so off of the mark that it is cute. I am happy and I love my life outside of my marriage which I am dealing with and extricating myself from. Just as Rome wasn't built in a day neither will be life be perfected in an afternoon. First comes the financial, then the moving, then the papers, then it's done.

 

Part of my happiness comes from having dove therapy like EMDR which is rather brilliant and very intense. I'll trust myself and the combat veterans who have been helped through PTSD with proven results before I trust someone throwing a character-assaulting temper tantrum in a random forum. EMDR might be useful to you too, you appear to get pretty heavily triggered and riled by things. Sounds like you have a lot of shame in your past.

 

As for the weight, I am down 15 lbs across the summer and working our daily. I lift weights twice a week. No, it's isn't perfect. Nothing short of perfect tends to satisfy those who use Shame to communicate. Life is about progress, not some grand moral righteousness in the biggest and smallest portions of everyone's life. This thread seems really personal for you.

 

People like you want to do what's easy, not what works!

 

ROFL, I have never met anyone in real life half as dedicated to personal growth and working through their problems as me. It may sound arrogant, but truth be told I AM proud of it. I go out 3-4 times a week and haul my fat ass along hiking trails that friends won't go with me on. I have kept my head and my dignity through my husband's abuse and cheating AND I have looked at it as an opportunity to change. I have given my kid a stable, loving parent and I use LS as a wailing post so I can get through what needs to be done in the rest of my life. I am not unhappy because I don't let anyone bring me down anymore. I guard my happiness with ten foot walls and recommend everyone else (including yourself) do the same. I control what I do next and where I want to be. Nothing feels better then realizing that you are responsible for your own life and how you respond to it. If you can't recognize happy, then that says something. [/b

 

You agree with me yet you go on and on, in post after post, attacking me.

 

Re-read the posts and get a good look at who is attacking who. I never once called out your character. I only call out behaviour and some processes. Your method has been to attack directly. I don't take your bait and fire at you personally. I distinctly disagree with the way you address posters (including myself). At the point where Van is down at his lowest, words on here can hit like a ton of bricks. I have been there before. Everyone that responded to you (without personal attacks) has simply said to back off of him. Give him done space to gather his strength, muster his resources and pull the cord. People in general (especially men) don't tend to make grand moves at their weakest. Dude comes here for support and reassurance, not to be punched in the gut. This thread is not about you.[/b

 

That's because you don't really want to HELP Van at all.

 

For all you know, it could be part of my attempt to get free pasta shipped from Toronto. Dude you can't read motivations or minds.

 

You want him to remain feckless and ineffectual and just as unhappy as you are. You want to pull people down to your own level of steady-state self-pity and unhappiness.

 

To be honest, I thought that what's you were all about. Trying to rip someone down so they feel just as miserable as you. Thought you were projecting a little. But really I can't read minds either.

 

The ONLY thing that will help Van is to "wake up" to the fact that he needs to get divorced as soon as possible to get rid of his very toxic wife. All these mixed message from folks such as yourself and ridiculous attacks on other posters don't help Van.

 

What helps Van is to tell him to get off his butt and file those divorce papers.

 

So that's what I'll continue to do.

 

Actually what you're doing is letting him know that you don't think he'll do that because he is a liar. How is that helping him?

 

Try to read today's posts again, unless today is Opposite Day. Jeez.

 

I think only one person in the whole thread tried to rationalize or excuse the wife's actions. The rest of us don't want to see the dude go through getting ripped on here as well as his BS at home.

 

Read some Daniel Amen material already.

[dreamingoftigers]

No, if it's true, then it's lucky for you.

 

Unless you think somehow if you get angry enough at me you have the magical ability to reach through your computer screen, grab me, and eat me? Then you might have a point.

 

Unless you are made of cheese and pasta, I am not interested.

 

Btw, my emotional state has nothing to do with luck.

[bentnotbroken]

Yup. Seems to be the pattern here in my short time on LS.

 

 

Most people aren't trolls. But we all write with a certain pattern. It usually does not change, even if the names doing the posting change. I don't know if the offending poster is a troll or not, but the pattern displayed is one that is very similar to other posters who have since been banned. It happens all over the board. It gets pointed out all over the board. This is nothing new.

[John Michael Kane]

Unless you are made of cheese and pasta, I am not interested.

 

Btw, my emotional state has nothing to do with luck.

 

Cheese and pasta? Add some Italian sausage and pasta sauce with that.

 

You're "making" me hungry.

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually, I strongly suspect that we have had a little run-in before. Jaysus.

 

If I got banned, I don't think I'd bother coming back. I'd feel pretty sheepish.

 

It was actually quite the long run-in too LOL.

[dreamingoftigers]

Cheese and pasta? Add some Italian sausage and pasta sauce with that.

 

You're "making" me hungry.

 

Yes, yes but I am sure that you know what to do with your urges

 

Actually that does sound pretty damn good

 

I do 2 treat meals a week. I think some Spolumbo's is on the menu next Thursday

[GTJ]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]VAN:[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] Only you know if your marriage is over in your heart. If you feel that you can live with this knowledge and the situation then you do it. If you feel that you cannot then end it. The pain will be great and last long, but not forever. Do you want to live as a man or a cuckold. I have always felt the easiest way to solve a problem is to break it down to the simplest denominator, break the question down to a yes or no answer and stick with it.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]What do you want?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Lets assume that you follow my advice then what:[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]1)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]She cried, she runs, she screams, she curses.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]HOW DO YOU LOOK TO THE FRIENDS AND TO YOUR-SELF.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]2)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]They see her for what she is and drop her. :mad:They rally around you and support you. She knows that she did wrong and the fog begins to lifts. She tried to reconcile. Only you know what you want.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]DIVORCE WILL COME![/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]3)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]You have a better chance of getting primary for the kids.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]4)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]She will blame you for everything.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] BUT PEOPLE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]5) After a period of time people do find someone else better and move on to happiness.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Did or does she respect you? Is she afraid of you? Are you afraid of being alone? What do you want your kids to think of you in the future? [/sIZE][/FONT]

There are a lot of kids being raised from broken homes who are just fine. Can you live with this on your mind forever, or any period of time, or do you deserve better

[John Michael Kane]

Yes, yes but I am sure that you know what to do with your urges

 

Actually that does sound pretty damn good

 

I do 2 treat meals a week. I think some Spolumbo's is on the menu next Thursday

 

Wish my girl had good taste like ya.

[GTJ]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Sorry for the above errors.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]VAN:[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] Only you know if your marriage is over in your heart. If you feel that you can live with this knowledge and the situation then you do it. If you feel that you cannot then end it. The pain will be great and last long, but not forever. Do you want to live as a man or a cuckold. I have always felt the easiest way to solve a problem is to break it down to the simplest denominator, break the question down to a yes or no answer and stick with it.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]What do you want?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Lets assume that you follow my advice then what:[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]1)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]She cried, she runs, she screams, she curses.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]How do you look to the friends and to your-self.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]2)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]They see her for what she is and drop her. They rally around you and support you. She knows that she did wrong and the fog begins to lifts. She tried to reconcile. Only you know what you want.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Divorce will come![/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]3)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]You have a better chance of getting primary for the kids.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]4)[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]She will blame you for everything.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]But people will know the truth.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]5) After a period of time people do find someone else better and move on to happiness.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Did or does she respect you? Is she afraid of you? Are you afraid of being alone? What do you want your kids to think of you in the future? [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]There are a lot of kids being raised from broken homes who are just fine. Can you live with this on your mind forever, or any period of time, or do you deserve better.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[dreamingoftigers]

Wish my girl had good taste like ya.

 

LOL, you probably don't, she's have to spend sixteen hours a day burning off the extra calories

[StoneCold]

No it doesn't. There are ways to put distance between her and him if she's that crazy. Her mentality is no excuse for him to stay.

 

:confused:

 

Whos is saying he has to stay??

 

Go back and read what I said

[bentnotbroken]

:confused:

 

Whos is saying he has to stay??

 

Go back and read what I said

 

 

You didn't. I don't get where anyone was advocating he stay. I think what people are saying is let him handle his exit in the way he has planned and what he needs for the least impact on his children.

[Calif_hope]

Van, so sorry for your situation, and I am sorry that a few people have hijacked your thread.

 

To the offending parties, you know who you are, have you noticed the number of pages this thread as exploded to, and sadly very little if it has to do with Van.

 

It's about your egos and a school yard debate...you can let a difference if opinion and a perceived slight once in a while.

 

It's Sunday, getaway from you computer/smart-fun and go outside, do laundry, spend time with SO.

 

This is not the "Great Debate" - put your egos aside and some of you table you vast life experience and researched base opinions to your self until asked for.

 

Love Shack Mods - can't Love Shack open a thread or a section for the purpose of allowing the Great Minds of Love Shack debate the great issues of the day.