Wife is about to make it physical.

[John Michael Kane]

I don't think you understand what his objective now is. There is no question about him divorcing, etc. The only issue is doing so in the most advantageous manner,

 

Yea we went over that.

 

and having absolute certainty of what happened for peace of mind (it's better to know for sure, than have even a tiny shred of a possibility that she didn't).

We already know she cheated and this man is not going to have peace for a long time.

 

Yea she just went off with some guy to talk about business. Come on now.

 

He needs PROOF.

He already has PROOF.

 

With a confession (to her friend), he has it. That will be advantageous in court, and should help him feel a bit better about divorce.. less likely that he might entertain her pleas for forgiveness (or further denials) AT ALL.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I hope you are not being pulled a million different directions here on LS. No one knows the endgame or how it will play out. It isn't easy but try and focus on this kids and what makes you happy.

 

Frankly there was little to do except let her go and make her mistakes and fix her own noose. You don't own her and she is not a possession. When she gets back you will be the one to decide where this goes and either (confronted with evidence) will want to salvage the marriage or it is irepairably broken remains to be seen.

[aeg512]

Yeah, but isn't said "friend" in Cuba with her already? Why the hell would they talk about it in Canada if they can talkl about it all they want in Cuba?

 

Well, okay. Then, I wouldn't say anything until after the lawyer draws up the seperation or divorce papers. Then, no holds barred! Hell, when she returns, have the server at the airport holding up a card with her name on it, when she approachs him, " You've been served!"

 

 

Actually a name card would not be needed. All the server needs is some recent pictures and catch her when she is picking up her luggage off of the belt. Better yet though would be to send a picture of the orders by text! Let her know what is waiting once she returns.

[Washburn]

very engrossing stuff...I skipped 9 or so pages as there is just so much to read!!! I feel bad for you threadstarter. I suppose its like an alien took over your wifes body. The one you loved is so cold and remorseless towards you especially after you think you knew her for this long. I guess I had some questions.

 

1. If you dont want to divulge how much the PI is costing thats ok but is this breaking the bank? I am sure that putting a PI up in CUBA for a week or so must be costing 10s of thousands.

 

2. When is your wife coming back? Has it been two days or so since shes been gone? So if she will be gone for a week then she will be back the 10th? What are your plans for when she gets back? Are you planning on staying elsewhere? Will you be sleeping in a different bed? I am assuming you will have to. If I had drawn my line in the sand as you have you cant be at all affectionate when she gets back. Dont sleep in the same bed. Dont be around her if you cant help it. Dont pick her up from the airport. I dont know if I could even touch my wife if she did that to me. Remember, from you to her: since shes gotten back things have changed. Divorce is imminent. All I can say to you is be strong.

 

3. People have brought up that maybe you should tell her family or friends or whatever prior to her coming back. Never being in such a position I couldnt really say. Maybe doing so (with email printout proof) will make you look more sterling while shes the bad guy. If you dont do so then she will claim you are jealous and paranoid and you two rightfully broke up. This could give you the upperhand?

 

4. Anyway to get copies of those pics from the first trip? You said something about the flashdrive she had and her and him posing together and it sent off redflags for you. If she has those sitting around on a drive somewhere just make copies.

 

5. Are you communicating with her while she is gone? You said something about texts. If I was you, dont respond back to any phonecalls or texts she sends while there.

 

In closing, I hope the PI gets what he needs while he is there. However, I would just fear being so far away and with nothing to keep them in check they might not even try. It might just be from them to you, "sorry bro, didnt see anything, so I got no pics". I would want to communicate with them while they are there. See what your wife and the Cuban guy are up to. See if there is any proof yet. Just be aware that whatever they report back or whatever they takes pics of might make you feel like a poker to the chest. Be prepared.

[The Blue Knight]

I don't envy you at all having gone through some similar stuff, which I shared with you a few days back. You do eventually get to the point where you accept that the person isn't the same person you knew and loved all those years you were married to them. That's the toughest part I believe. Trying to figure it all out. It's like a chess game and you're going back and trying to figure out where you made a wrong move. You end up replaying all the good times and intimate times in your head over and over and trying to figure out where this person turned a wrong corner. Hang in there. If she goes through with this affair you'll have many difficult decisions to make in the coming days. None of them will be easy. But when you make them, try to put all those conflicting "good" memories out of your mind and remain strong to do what you have to do. It's the only way to survive emotionally.

[Steadfast]

This is a very dramatic story with a man at the crux of suffering. So many here have read it, been touched and have added an opinion and input. It has turned overwhelming. That does happen here from time to time.

 

It is clear that you are wrecked with grief Van. Your fear and sadness is stronger than your resolve. You love her. Want her back. Want IT back. This is where she hoped you'd be. She is off...whatever. You're pining.

 

I understand. For those of us who have been there. Damn.

 

Just so you know, pining won't help. The only way out of this mess is to grow the strength to recognize what is right and do it. You will reach that place eventually...sooner if you listen to experience, later if you hang on.

 

Chin up-

[CFSLP2010]

I'm currently dating someone outside my marriage. When we get a taste of another man, especially if we feel we're being neglected by our husbands, etc. Nothing will stop us from getting to our lover for that fix. That's what is happening with your wife. When my husband would try to intervene, I would become infuriated and have a fit, deflect to make him leave me alone. I needed that fix. When we are dead set on seeing that man, nothing matters; kids, home, spouse...nothing. We feel that the risk is worth it, even though we know it isn't. That's what is happening to your wife. I dont like to divulge my business, but I thought it might help you. I apologize for the grammer, but I'm typing from my phone and it sucks.

Edited August 6, 2011 by CFSLP2010

[Try]

Actually, in our conversations/arguments in the weeks following D-day, when I pressed her about the whole thing she would get defensive, pissed-off and always say “You are making me feel cornered. I told all there is to know. Stop pushing this issue. It will lead to divorce and you will be alone and miserable”.

Sorry to say but she called your bluff and you backed down. I am guessing that this was not the first time. This is why she felt safe in going no matter what you were saying.

 

In hindsight, I now realize that she was playing on my fear of breaking up the family.

Even now your “fear of breaking up the family” has prevented you from taking any concrete action that would anger her, as you wait for a level of evidence from the PI that is unlikely to ever come.

 

There were moments that it felt like she wanted to confess but was holding herself. She would throw some crumbs like “It’s just a non-sexual friendship. A weird kind of friendship”

When she returns she will talk her way out of it, and you will let her.

 

I am not saying these things to be mean. You love her with all your heart and cannot think straight. She knows this and is exploiting it. You are in a difficult situation that you are unable to handle. I hope that things will one day be better for you. You are a good person; do not lose that about yourself. God bless you and watch over you and your family as you go through this.

Edited August 6, 2011 by Try

[Toodamnpragmatic]

are right.... Still Van is handling it how he thinks is right and that is to get the evidence (the pictures of them conoodling is more then enough for family and friends and her).

 

The next steps will be the hardest and I hope he has the resolve to stand up and follow through.

 

Sorry to be one that hopes it is "temporary insanity" if that is what he truly wants and is the case.

[Vanhandle]

I am waiting for the visual evidence and/or email communication and its bye-bye.

 

CPLSP2010 - thanks for the comment from the other side, but just curious do you feel any guilt or has your emotional reservoir towards your H depleted so much so that you don't care anymore? It seems that's where my wife is (was) and her fixation on this trip confirmed it for me. I'll understand if you don't answer.

 

Toodamn, you are quite correct that there are times when I am so overwhelmed that I don't know what step to take. However, it looks more and more like I'm halfway out the door...emotionally and physically.

[Try]

I am waiting for the visual evidence and/or email communication and its bye-bye.

 

However, it looks more and more like I'm halfway out the door...emotionally and physically.

As you are only "halfway out the door", what if the new "visual evidence and/or email communication" do not come, are you currently resolved to leave her when she gets back from her trip with her lover?

[Vanhandle]

Unless the PI is completely incompetent (I pray not), then I should be ok. I know the evidence is coming. As to whether I'll leave even if there's no evidence of hanky-panky...I will. Reason being that I'm emotionally spent from trying to fix this, playing detective and analyzing everything. Enough is enough. I might as well spend that energy on someone else...more deserving.

[bentnotbroken]

Unless the PI is completely incompetent (I pray not), then I should be ok. I know the evidence is coming. As to whether I'll leave even if there's no evidence of hanky-panky...I will. Reason being that I'm emotionally spent from trying to fix this, playing detective and analyzing everything. Enough is enough. I might as well spend that energy on someone else...more deserving.

 

 

Yes, you should focus that energy else where. Take care of yourself.

[Vanhandle]

Thanks BNB. Love your profile name, by the way. I think I'll adopt it as my motto going forward

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks BNB. Love your profile name, by the way. I think I'll adopt it as my motto going forward

 

 

My pleasure. But I suspect that you have your own super hero name waiting for you to claim it.

[StoneCold]

Van...i can answer your question to cplsp2010 as well....if you want varying opinions

[Vanhandle]

BNB - you're too kind. Thanks.

 

Stonecold, absolutely. I'm all ears.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I am waiting for the visual evidence and/or email communication and its bye-bye.

 

CPLSP2010 - thanks for the comment from the other side, but just curious do you feel any guilt or has your emotional reservoir towards your H depleted so much so that you don't care anymore? It seems that's where my wife is (was) and her fixation on this trip confirmed it for me. I'll understand if you don't answer.

 

Toodamn, you are quite correct that there are times when I am so overwhelmed that I don't know what step to take. However, it looks more and more like I'm halfway out the door...emotionally and physically.

 

The PI then is only to prove a point and confront her and hopefully get support.

 

I however think that this will provide the catalyst to move forward whatever direction it takes you.

[Vanhandle]

Exactly! To prove a point to her that she didn't get off scot free, proof to family/friends and as a catalyst for me to say "**** off and sayonara!"

[Toodamnpragmatic]

don't back down and if you at all want her back, let it be on your terms.

 

What do you want? I sense it is to have your wife back, and faced with cold hard evidence she may breakdown and realize what an ass she is and recommit. If not, then be ready to walk and don't look back. learn and be a better man.

Edited August 7, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[StoneCold]

Stonecold, absolutely. I'm all ears.

 

 

OK... so heres your question...

 

CPLSP2010 - thanks for the comment from the other side, but just curious do you feel any guilt or has your emotional reservoir towards your H depleted so much so that you don't care anymore? It seems that's where my wife is (was) and her fixation on this trip confirmed it for me. I'll understand if you don't answer.

 

 

Do I feel guilt? No...

 

Why? Due to a deteriorated relationship and hurtful things said and done on both sides....I got to a point where simply I dont care anymore. I dont see my cheating as a solution to our marital problems (I'm working on a separate solution to that but it will take time); I dont tell myself "I'm 'right' in cheating because...."; its just me taking care of my needs because:

 

A) I'm at the end of my rope,

B) I clearly cant rely on others to do this for me and...

C) My needs are now not next year or even next month.

 

Now where I differ from your wife is I'm not reckless. I dont act or behave in a way that would make a bad situation at home worse. If that were me in your wife's shoes and I had an encounter with someone in Cuba.... there would be no pictures, no video, no wierd behaviour upon my return, I wouldnt put anything in my wife's face, no calls, no emails, no fixation, no nothing. Pretty much once I set foot on that plane its all out of my head.

 

I have a hard time beleiveing that your wife who is a big woman is this careless and silly; its almost like shes trying to put this in your face to torment you and I cant see where the benefit would lie. Now I'm sure theres a back story here and I realize we are only getting one half of a whole story....maybe your wife as an explanation as to why she would do this....or maybe she simply fell right out of her tree and went mad...who knows. Unfortunately, becasue this is not my way and I dont have an entire story.... I could not give you an answer as to why shes acting "wierd" like this....sorry.

 

 

What part of Canada are you in?

Edited August 7, 2011 by StoneCold

[Vanhandle]

There isn't much of a back story here. We got so tangled up with daily routines on top of a newborn that we drifted apart. We neglected each others needs and I think she took it harder. I totally agree with you that her "weird" behaviour is just that...weird! In other words very uncharacteristic and it seems like she relishes to torment me. Might very well be that subconsciously she's making me pay for her unmet needs, the drifting apart in our relationship, etc. I honestly don't know. I do agree that sometimes it seems like something got screwed up in her head, because her recklessness is really bizarre. I even told her recently that she's sloppy. I said it right after I caught her in a lie. Weird.

 

I really appreciate your perspective, StoneCold.

 

Ontario (GTA)

[whichwayisup]

Post pardom depression can mess a woman up. I do wonder if it's possible she has been quietly suffering and obviously the fog she's been in and her choices, is part of it?

 

Just seems like such a shame to finally have a family and she goes and f.ks it up.

[Vanhandle]

Very possible, whichwayisup. I also think its midlife crisis because she recently said that she's feeling old and that scares her. Since having our second child she's been complaining that her "youthful energy" has been sucked out of her.

[whichwayisup]

Very possible, whichwayisup. I also think its midlife crisis because she recently said that she's feeling old and that scares her. Since having our second child she's been complaining that her "youthful energy" has been sucked out of her.

 

She's making the biggest mistake of her life and one day she's going look back and regret losing you and the life she could have continued to have with you and the kids.