Wife is about to make it physical.

[ver13]

Right now I haven't concluded a plan until I see what she has on her mind. Meaning I will try to settle things with her as amicably as possible (I know, I know, she doesn't deserve 'amicable'). Reason being that there is a lot at stake here...very expensive house purchased 1 month ago, huge debts, cars and most importantly kids. You see she can be quite explosive and I have no clue how she will react "this" time (being that this will be the second go around). The first time, she was so enraged that I didn't recognize her. Honest to god she was beside herself with pure, pure rage. The venom in her eyes was just...evil. Mind this rage was because of emails...so imagine what rage I can expect when she realizes that she'd been followed and faces cold hard evidence?

 

You see, there is some suicide history in her family (father, etc) and I fear she might harm herself. If she does, then everyone in our circle of family and friends will undoubtedly put the blame on me, regardless of what she did. Its the nature of things. I am not weasling out or looking for ways not to confront her. Rather, I am now a bit uneasy as to what to expect. Physically she can't do sh*t to me (other than stick a knife in me while I sleep). What I fear is harm to herself or more ominously, to the kids. Like Blue Knight alluded earlier, in emotional situations such as these, you never know how the person will react.

 

Can anyone here who's had something similar tell me how they presented such evidence to a spouse (wife preferably) that had a tendency to be unpredictable/angry/extreme mood swings?

 

Thanks.

 

No matter how you do it the outcome may not be what you think because you haven't lived it yet. If your worried about how she might take it you could set it up sort of like a intervention where you have close fam and friends there to help lessen the blow. It might help to blow some of the fog out of her mind and in the least should it all go to H**L they can intervene and help her with a place to stay while she get's her S**t together.

[Vanhandle]

Thanks everyone. I am still trying to figure out how to do this. I have somewhat of an idea what to do; I just don’t know HOW it will go down. I’m conflicted between these two scenarios:

 

Scenario 1 - Get the evidence, get the kids out of the house and then just lay it all out for her. Outcome is very unpredictable and could get quite hairy. I know, I know, protect myself via recorder, bring a friend, etc…

 

Scenario 2 - Get the evidence, get the kids out of house and then lay out everything that’s happened leading up to my decision. I will then ask her if there’s anything at all she needs to tell me about this trip, even though the odds are that she wont volunteer sh*t. At which point I will state that due to all this and the proof that I have, I am filing for divorce. I will make it clear that I know EVERYTHING that happened on the trip and that she “F**ked up, by getting F**ked”.

 

Some of you will say that with scenario 2, I’m chickening out of blasting her. Maybe, but since I’m the only who really knows her; I feel that by doing that I prevent the fake outrage (temporarily) and at the same time show her that the gig is up. Considering how paranoid she is (aren’t they all), she’ll immediately know that I had her followed anyway. I mean let’s get real, if I drop info like room number, places she been, things she did, then she’ll definitely figure out the PI thing. This means I may end up with the fake outrage/meltdown after all. Oh well, so be it.

 

Re taking the kids away it’s a no-go. I can’t really get into the dynamic of things in my family, but let’s just say that it’s not feasible. So when I come home from work on Friday, I’ll have to put up with her “lovey-dovey” façade L …those of you who’ve been with a WS know the façade. It’s repulsive especially when you know the truth.

 

I even had a diabolical thought of doing her while pretending I’m with a prostitute…but neaaah, can’t do it…or maybe I can….just kidding, I won’t! J

 

@2.5 a gallon – I have also considered the situation where she returns remorseful, asking for forgiveness, etc… I always look at a problem from different angles to get a solution, but I can honestly say I’m not sure how I would handle THIS possible scenario. Like you said, with all the anger, humiliation, betrayal that I feel, this is after all the woman I married and created a family with. As hard it might be for some of you to fathom, there is a part of my heart that still loves her. After all, why would I be agonizing about all this if I didn’t care?

 

2.5, I also have a couple of questions for you, if you don’t mind. When your wife cheated, did you know/suspect beforehand that she was about to or only after the fact? Secondly, did you find out by using a PI and if yes, did you present the evidence? I'll understand if you don't answer this.

 

 

Thanks to all.

[Vanhandle]

@TooDamn - Thanks and I will try to reach 50 soon.

 

@Blue - Thanks for your long post. Very insightful and encouraging. I will keep that in mind.

[GorillaTheater]

I recommend scenario #2. Forget "blasting" her; at best you'll get very temporary satisfaction for no discernable gain. At worst, you wind up with a RO and locked out of the house. Be calm, cool and collected, and have fresh batteries in your VAR.

[bentnotbroken]

I would either do it in public or record the event. When women are confronted with this type scenario they tend to lie like crazy and those lies include false accusations of domestic violence. Make sure you protect yourself against anything of this sort

 

 

Also, even if she does come back remorseful you have to keep in mind that she left knowing the consequences with the intentions of banging some dude. You and your family did not mean enough for her than and she shouldn't mean anything to you now. If she comes back remorseful you will never know if its real or fake. You need to man up, you already let her walk over you and now its time to change that

 

 

Here we go with the generalizations again. I wasn't married to a woman and got the same crap. It is more likely that when a guilty person regardless of gender is confronted with their own shyt they act a bit stooopid.

[Chi townD]

I would go with scenario #1. Scenario #2 will just get your blood boiling even worse than what it is now by watching her lie through her teeth and things might escalate.

 

And when she comes home, you don't have to be all lovey dovey! She's pretty sure that she's pulled the wool over your eyes with the Cuban but, you CAN let it be known that you are still mad at her for going on the trip when you asked her not to. Don't listen to her tell you about her trip (cause you know it's all a lie.) Shrug off any affections she tries to throw at you and just pretend that it's business as usual. Don't engage in conversations with her, if she asks you questions keep them tactful and SHORT! Remember, you still have the "I don't give a sh*t" attitude. This isn't your fault, she's the one that chose to end the marriage, not you! She started this, now you're going to finish it. Cool as a cucumber dude!

[YeahDotDotDot]

If you confront her with the evidence, I hope you will have made copies or that the PI would have copies. She may try to destroy the evidence.

[2011aug]

Considering the amount of time she has spent with the OM and you dont know the OM's health history, she should get tested for various STDs, all the hepatitis, etc. Some of these diseases will take quite a few days to develop before any tests will be sensitive enough to detect.

 

In the meantime, she could be contagious. You or your children may not want to catch something permanently damaging from her.

[2long]

Van:

 

Try 2 remember that after you are divorced and the dust has settled, you'll still be parents 2 your kids. I.e., you'll still have 2 deal with her at some level.

 

In considering your possible scenarios on her re2rn, try 2 avoid setting her and yourself up for drama for drama's sake.

 

Most importantly, why do you feel you need 2 confront her with your proof of her affair? *SHE* knows she's having an affair. What's she going 2 do? Deny your proof is real? (the answer is, of course!, and since you know that she is cheating, her denial will be meaningless and only add 2 the drama). When you get your evidence, give it 2 your lawyer. I think it would be far better if you told her you had proof but didn't tell her what that was. Let her fester on that for a while (like, as long as you've been worrying about what she's been doing behind your back, for example).

 

But do what the others have suggested above, and get away so she comes home 2 an empty house and has 2 contact you as 2 why.

 

-ol' 2long

[Vanhandle]

@Yeah - I ALWAYS have copies of things of this nature

 

@2011aug - that one will be tricky, coz since I don't have the evidence its hard for me to say "stay away from us". It'll mean the confrontation will be 'early'.

 

@2'long - That is actually very close to scenario 2. It crossed my mind. The only problem about not telling her 'what' the evidence is, is that I'll have a hard keeping a lid on my mouth. You see when I know she's bull****ting, its hard fro to give her the impression that she pulled a fast one on me. So for example I might keep mum about the evidence throughout the "confrontation', but then I'm capable to put a dig in like "So? Your room number was xxxxx, eh?". But I'll work on it

[Lucky_One]

I don't know about Canadian divorce law, but I know of states in the US where there is something called "condonation", which means that if a spouse continues to have sex after knowing that his/her spouse was unfaithful, that you are condoning the adultery. Condonation can affect the outcome of a divorce, if you are going to use the adultery as cause, or just use the adultery as leverage in obtaining custody, the marital home, or a greater share of marital assets.

 

So I would advise you to NOT have sex with her.

[Vanhandle]

2long, I totally agree that you're absolutely right about needlessly adding drama when taking the kids into consideration.

 

I also love the idea of letting her fester. Taste of what I went thru, if you will.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know about Canadian divorce law, but I know of states in the US where there is something called "condonation", which means that if a spouse continues to have sex after knowing that his/her spouse was unfaithful, that you are condoning the adultery. Condonation can affect the outcome of a divorce, if you are going to use the adultery as cause, or just use the adultery as leverage in obtaining custody, the marital home, or a greater share of marital assets.

 

So I would advise you to NOT have sex with her.

 

 

That is one of the conditions of divorce in my state. If you have sex it is considered an "OKAY" so to speak and no evidence about the affair can be used in the divorce proceedings.

[Vanhandle]

Lucky, you are so right. I totally forgot about that one. She can be very persuasive when comes to sex, so I'll have to tactfully avoid her advances. Like I said earlier, I'm in a bind because on one hand I wont have the PI stuff for a couple of days and on the other I have to push her back without instigating the confrontation too early.

[Vanhandle]

Wow, weird situation when a man needs to AVOID having sex. Bizarre.

[Vanhandle]

Can any of my fellow Canucks say whether the 'sex condones the affair' applies in Canadian Divorce Law? Thanks.

[Chi townD]

Just use the fact that you're angry at the fact that she left to help you avoid sex. Use that as your excuse.

[2.50 a gallon]

Van

 

It was a totally different sitch. We were newly married, no kids, and had just moved across country, where upon my marriage was attacked by several OM's, mostly married work mates. They began feeding her food for thought with every one of my actions. So we were on shakey ground, when I caught her kissing the guard where she worked. We were seperated by a chain link fence and I called her every name in the book and told her not to come home.

 

Having no other place to go she went home and moved in with the OM

 

She thereupon took delight in rubbing my nose in the fact that she was living with the OM. She decided she wanted to reconcile when she figured out that I had slept with someone else in our bed.

 

As for taking her back, I knew that I could never trust her again and as for our marriage vows, I figured they were null and void the second she stepped over the line, I was free

[bentnotbroken]

Lucky, you are so right. I totally forgot about that one. She can be very persuasive when comes to sex, so I'll have to tactfully avoid her advances. Like I said earlier, I'm in a bind because on one hand I wont have the PI stuff for a couple of days and on the other I have to push her back without instigating the confrontation too early.

 

 

Imagine she and dog boy didn't use a condom. Do you want what he and every other person he was with to literally on you? You have children to think of. Some coodies you can't get rid of.

[Miky]

Van

 

There is one more possibility that you need to take in to account, reading what you have write about her behavior prior to her going on this trip, there is a strong possibility that she may come home, and cold hardheartedly tell you that she is leaving you and the kids and wants an immediate divorce, pick up her stuff and leave as soon as she hit home.

 

With her behavior and rational that I am reading from your prescription of her this may as well be one of the strong possible action from her end.

 

In this scenario she has already written you off, in her heart she had already planned this for some time and her callus behavior prior to her departure pretty much support that outcome, she needed to go just to confirm/reaffirm her decision to be with this guy by having sex with him, be prepared for that scenario, although it will save you the need and grief for confrontation, it will hurt just the same, even more

 

I don't want to throw a wrench on your plan but from reading your conversation with her and the fact that she is well aware of the risk that she may as well lose her family by going, in her twisted mind, she had made a decision to at least give it a chance it can be a strong possibility and you need to be prepared for that

 

Hang in there

[StoneCold]

Lucky, you are so right. I totally forgot about that one. She can be very persuasive when comes to sex, so I'll have to tactfully avoid her advances. Like I said earlier, I'm in a bind because on one hand I wont have the PI stuff for a couple of days and on the other I have to push her back without instigating the confrontation too early.

 

I think that if you do have sex while sepaated and it comes out to the courts it may cause you a problem...dont quote me on that one though

 

 

Given the tone of your relationship....do you really think shes going to try to initiate sex?

[bentnotbroken]

Its not a generalization, it actually happens a lot. Plus wouldn't you rather the op be safe instead of sorry?

 

 

It happens a lot to both sexes is my point. There is no exclusivity in being an azzhole for either gender.

[bentnotbroken]

I think that if you do have sex while sepaated and it comes out to the courts it may cause you a problem...dont quote me on that one though

 

 

Given the tone of your relationship....do you really think shes going to try to initiate sex?

 

 

I do. I think she is a gamer. She has a plan. She has to try to make sure he is still playing the role she has assigned to him. OP beware.

[Vanhandle]

@StoneCold - That one I know for sure. That if you are separated you are still under the rules of being married...i.e. no extramarital sex. What I wanted to know was if I stumble and **** her and THEN file for divorce, will there be a legal way to deny my filing grounds of adultery/infidelity?

 

@Bentnotbroken - Absolutely! She has this all worked out in her head that she will return and charm her way back to what it was prior to her '****scapade'. She even behaved that way before she left. All mushy-mushy, talking affectionately, looking into my eyes and telling me "We will be together forever" "I love my life with you" "I don't want to divorce you" etc,...So yes she is going to pull out all the stops. Then again, she could surprise me and became a cold bitch (unlikely based on all the texts she sent me over 10 days)...which would suit me just fine. That way I wouldn't have to worry about avoiding any sexual advances.

Edited August 12, 2011 by Vanhandle

[Vanhandle]

@assdf - yes I would really like to get out of this mess in one piece, health wise.