Wife is about to make it physical.

[robf1971]

Your people pleasing conflict avoidant tendencies are what got them in this mess in the first place.

 

Yep, woman respect a man who will stand up for himself and not be trodden on. However there is no need to raise your voice,

 

As soon as her tone gets nasty, hold your hand up,

 

"Wife until you can speak to me in a civil and friendly manner then this conversation is over" Then walk away.

 

This should not just apply to relationships in trouble but even when things are going well. The minute my wife speaks so to me in a nasty way, I say something like "Stop talking to me in that tone" or " Moderate your tone or this conversation over"

 

Usually 5 minutes later she walks in and gives me a hug and an apology. When I sat there and just took it in the old days, she just got worse and worse. You need to be a man but not a jerk.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and will have few chances to check in. I however agree with Richard Friedman and think you have been too passive these 10 days. You have every right to confront her and that is why since you wanted to wait and be debriefed and have the evidence from the PI, to have taken the kids to the Falls would have made sense. To be at home and pretend all is okay is hell and wrong.

 

To sleep in the same bed, cuddle and to have sex that is your call.... I really don't know at this point, but you've made too many excuses about her temper and what she may do. Heck you said it, she's manipulative and you could be caught again.

 

Thinking long and hard and do hope all works out. Will check in when possible.

[IzzyB]

If you guys don't lighten up on him and how YOU think it should go, he won't come back if it goes differently because some of you will give him hell about his manhood.

 

Cut the man some slack and give him the ability to do it HIS way. He is allowed mistakes........you know.

 

Totally agree with this. You will handle it the best way you can OP. Its easy for us to sit on the sidelines and direct, but youre the one living it. Theres no right or wrong, so cut yourself some slack and take care of you. Above all dont make any decisions or ultimatums before YOU are ready, no matter what anyone else may think.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just yet her have her cranky bitch yell and ignore it. Don't take the bait.

 

I loved that scene in Anerican Beauty where his wife comes through the drive-thru with the OM and he just tells her that she doesn't get to tell him what to do anymore.

[NervisPervis]

My only advice in this whole thread is to expect it to NOT go as expected. Be prepared for every scenario you can think of and just as many as you haven't. Don't let a left jab catch you off guard. If she hits you with someting unexpected, walk away, regroup and continue later.

 

Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

VH, you are fine. You aren't a pussy about this. Geez. He's way ahead if the game compared to a lot of guys on here on dealing with the situation.

 

And a lot of guys go back and forth a little.

[reboot]

If you guys don't lighten up on him and how YOU think it should go, he won't come back if it goes differently because some of you will give him hell about his manhood.

 

Cut the man some slack and give him the ability to do it HIS way. He is allowed mistakes........you know.

 

Thanks. Funny how a lot of the "men" here seem to think the measure of a man is how loud he can yell and how hard he can push (and probably how much beer he can drink and how loud he can fart). It's embarrassing. Van is doing the best he can under the circumstances. His life has been shredded. People need to stop telling him how to be a "man".

[The Blue Knight]

Agreed. This is Van's deal and his first time through it. Can any of us say with certainty that we wouldn't give our wife a second chance? Of course not. We're not living in the dynamics and emotions that Van is right now. We don't have his background, his values, or his upbringing. Only he does. As I told Van before. He has my support either way. If he tries to make it work and it goes south, then he's learned an important lesson. He has a lot invested in this woman and this family. Allow him to make the decision without beating him to death for whatever he decides.

 

If you guys don't lighten up on him and how YOU think it should go, he won't come back if it goes differently because some of you will give him hell about his manhood.

 

Cut the man some slack and give him the ability to do it HIS way. He is allowed mistakes........you know.

[Kismetly]

In many places a man will kill a woman for what she's done or at the very least give her a thrashing(Of course i'm not telling you to do that), and anything less would be seen as unbecoming of a man. , If you're afraid of her and are scared to even give her a tongue-lashing, what does that say about you?

 

Yes - in many places a man would kill a woman for adultery, in some places he'd even get away with it .... (and be privately slapped on the back for keeping the good honour of his family)

 

In our culture, love means accepting that sometimes the people we love make choices that hurt us, respecting that, and then living up to our personal boundaries, in a mature and sensible way.

 

So your wife had an affair. It happens. Your choice is to accept it ... or not. You can't control your wife. She's her own person. She reniged on your marital vows. That's crappy. If you can't tolerate that, move on with your life. If you think she's having some sort of crisis and needs help and support, help her to get what she needs.

 

Good luck. I'm sure it must be a very painful weekend for you.

[ver13]

Sorry but this "woman" is putting him through a lot of traumatic pain right now and is a serial cheater. This is not some case where we're dealing with incompatibility over who sleeps on the left side of the bed. This is someone who is off running off with a bunch of men and leaving her husband and kids behind. So you're "culture" doesn't apply realistically.

 

Which means that it's time to leave her not beat her,

 

 

 

No it doesn't just happen. It is a planned and a string of conscious, repetitive decisions.

 

Now he know's what she is really about and has a choice on leaving or staying

 

 

 

Good then you'd know that your post is unrealistic.

 

I guess that it would be more realistic if W had the right to kill a M too if the shoe was on the same foot then.

[Kismetly]

Sorry but this "woman" is putting him through a lot of traumatic pain right now and is a serial cheater. This is not some case where we're dealing with incompatibility over who sleeps on the left side of the bed. This is someone who is off running off with a bunch of men and leaving her husband and kids behind. So you're "culture" doesn't apply realistically.

 

 

 

No it doesn't just happen. It is a planned and a string of conscious, repetitive decisions.

 

 

 

Good then you'd know that your post is unrealistic.

 

I agree it's a planned string of concious, repetitive choices and decision, however is it really any different to any other affair scenario?

 

The only difference I can see is that it's being played out here in all it's tragic detail.

 

One partner becomes unsatisfied in a relationship, they think they can get away with getting a bit on the side expecting they'll be able to get away with it and stay in their comfortable marriage with their predictable spouse - same old, same old ... only this time we have a "cheaters" style commentary.

 

When a person finds out they've been cheated on, they often tolerate it while they get their ducks in a row. I've seen women tolerate it indefinately ...

 

I think our "culture" does (or should) accept that despite ones marital status, individuals all have free will and will sometimes/often/occassionally make decisions that hurt their partner ... if there is real love in the relationship the partner will respect that they have a "right" to do whoever they like ... and the betrayed spouse has a "right" to kick them to the curb if they want to.

 

I don't agree that is unrealistic.

[whichwayisup]

I think our "culture" does (or should) accept that despite ones marital status, individuals all have free will and will sometimes/often/occassionally make decisions that hurt their partner ... if there is real love in the relationship the partner will respect that they have a "right" to do whoever they like ... and the betrayed spouse has a "right" to kick them to the curb if they want to.

 

It isn't our culture, it's a new way of being more selfish as each generation and decade comes along.

 

What ever happened to committment? And the bolded part, ??? Are you kidding? If there is real love in the relationship the partner will respect that they have a right to do whatever with someone outside of the marriage? Why bother getting married! Or BE in a committed relationship if that is the case? It's not "I DO" forever anymore..More like "I DO..But when I want someone else, I'll go for it. Accept it and respect it since you love me!"

[woinlove]

I agree it's a planned string of concious, repetitive choices and decision, however is it really any different to any other affair scenario?

 

The only difference I can see is that it's being played out here in all it's tragic detail.

 

One partner becomes unsatisfied in a relationship, they think they can get away with getting a bit on the side expecting they'll be able to get away with it and stay in their comfortable marriage with their predictable spouse - same old, same old ... only this time we have a "cheaters" style commentary.

 

When a person finds out they've been cheated on, they often tolerate it while they get their ducks in a row. I've seen women tolerate it indefinately ...

 

I think our "culture" does (or should) accept that despite ones marital status, individuals all have free will and will sometimes/often/occassionally make decisions that hurt their partner ... if there is real love in the relationship the partner will respect that they have a "right" to do whoever they like ... and the betrayed spouse has a "right" to kick them to the curb if they want to.

 

I don't agree that is unrealistic.

 

What is your point, Kismet? That the children and spouse should just suck it up? She has a teenager who no doubt thinks his mother is on an innocent dance trip and isn't expecting his life to dramatically change on her return. Sure, you can't stop someone hellbent on deceiving their children and spouse, but to call it a "right"?

 

 

Most of us don't consider lying and deception to be a right, but to be very selfish behavior. And when it is used within a family unit that is trying to support and nuture children, it is deplorable.

[Kismetly]

What is your point, Kismet? That the children and spouse should just suck it up? She has a teenager who no doubt thinks his mother is on an innocent dance trip and isn't expecting his life to dramatically change on her return. Sure, you can't stop someone hellbent on deceiving their children and spouse, but to call it a "right"?

 

 

Most of us don't consider lying and deception to be a right, but to be very selfish behavior. And when it is used within a family unit that is trying to support and nuture children, it is deplorable.

 

My point is that these things happen. We can vilify the woman, or we can accept that she's made some bad choices, probably due to an unsatisfying marriage, an identity crisis or plain, simple boredom. Sure, if she was the picture of perfect emotional health (like everyone here expects everyone to be - which is really the unrealistic part imo) she would have engaged Van in a discussion about how she was feeling; she would have worked on the marriage; she would have made different choices ... but she didn't.

 

The only choices Van, or anyone, can control are his own. He doesn't own his wife. Sure, they made a "commitment", commitment, shomittment ... over 50% of US marriages end in Divorce and the number is similar in other developed countries. What happens to "commitment" in those cases. The world is not the picture perfect place posters here seem to want to bend it into being.

 

I've got a friend who's wife left him 12 months ago to hook-up with an old flame she met-up with on the internet. He respectfully and lovingly acknowledged her choice. he didn't like it, and he made it clear he didn't like it ... but he respected that just because they were married, didn't mean he "owned" her and she had to take her journey wherever it went. She was desperately unhappy in herself, and that manifested in her unhappiness with him and the marriage.

 

There was no drama, few arguements, they calmly split up their assets and went their separate ways.

 

A week ago, she called him and admitted she'd made a terrible mistake. She thanked him for giving her the space she needed to figure out what was wrong with her and to do the work she needed to do on herself. She'd been hideously co-dependent after growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father and she had to work through that. She asked to reconcile. I suspect he will agree.

 

Affairs have happened since the beginning of time, and I get tired of listening to the same old middle-America, conservative dribble about "commitment" and "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." .

 

For 200 years before the 1960s and 1970s people believed in "commmitment" to the exclusion of everything else - and women had to tolerate hideous intimate-partner violence, alcoholism, lovelessness, mistresses etc etc etc ... all in the name of "commitment".

 

Committment is a con, perpetuated by institutions to control people. Surely we should stay in marriages because they fulfil us. Because we get our needs met in them. Not because of a commitment we made when we probably weren't even old enough to understand what 'til death do us part meant.

 

This couple were 25 when they first got together. They are now in their 40s. Things change, people change ... give her a break.

[bentnotbroken]

My point is that these things happen. We can vilify the woman, or we can accept that she's made some bad choices, probably due to an unsatisfying marriage, an identity crisis or plain, simple boredom. Sure, if she was the picture of perfect emotional health (like everyone here expects everyone to be - which is really the unrealistic part imo) she would have engaged Van in a discussion about how she was feeling; she would have worked on the marriage; she would have made different choices ... but she didn't.

 

The only choices Van, or anyone, can control are his own. He doesn't own his wife. Sure, they made a "commitment", commitment, shomittment ... over 50% of US marriages end in Divorce and the number is similar in other developed countries. What happens to "commitment" in those cases. The world is not the picture perfect place posters here seem to want to bend it into being.

 

I've got a friend who's wife left him 12 months ago to hook-up with an old flame she met-up with on the internet. He respectfully and lovingly acknowledged her choice. he didn't like it, and he made it clear he didn't like it ... but he respected that just because they were married, didn't mean he "owned" her and she had to take her journey wherever it went. She was desperately unhappy in herself, and that manifested in her unhappiness with him and the marriage.

 

There was no drama, few arguements, they calmly split up their assets and went their separate ways.

 

A week ago, she called him and admitted she'd made a terrible mistake. She thanked him for giving her the space she needed to figure out what was wrong with her and to do the work she needed to do on herself. She'd been hideously co-dependent after growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father and she had to work through that. She asked to reconcile. I suspect he will agree.

 

Affairs have happened since the beginning of time, and I get tired of listening to the same old middle-America, conservative dribble about "commitment" and "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." .

 

For 200 years before the 1960s and 1970s people believed in "commmitment" to the exclusion of everything else - and women had to tolerate hideous intimate-partner violence, alcoholism, lovelessness, mistresses etc etc etc ... all in the name of "commitment".

 

Committment is a con, perpetuated by institutions to control people. Surely we should stay in marriages because they fulfil us. Because we get our needs met in them. Not because of a commitment we made when we probably weren't even old enough to understand what 'til death do us part meant.

 

This couple were 25 when they first got together. They are now in their 40s. Things change, people change ... give her a break.

 

 

I'd love to break my foot off in her behind.

[woinlove]

My point is that these things happen. We can vilify the woman, or we can accept that she's made some bad choices, probably due to an unsatisfying marriage, an identity crisis or plain, simple boredom. Sure, if she was the picture of perfect emotional health (like everyone here expects everyone to be - which is really the unrealistic part imo) she would have engaged Van in a discussion about how she was feeling; she would have worked on the marriage; she would have made different choices ... but she didn't.

 

The only choices Van, or anyone, can control are his own. He doesn't own his wife. Sure, they made a "commitment", commitment, shomittment ... over 50% of US marriages end in Divorce and the number is similar in other developed countries. What happens to "commitment" in those cases. The world is not the picture perfect place posters here seem to want to bend it into being.

 

I've got a friend who's wife left him 12 months ago to hook-up with an old flame she met-up with on the internet. He respectfully and lovingly acknowledged her choice. he didn't like it, and he made it clear he didn't like it ... but he respected that just because they were married, didn't mean he "owned" her and she had to take her journey wherever it went. She was desperately unhappy in herself, and that manifested in her unhappiness with him and the marriage.

 

There was no drama, few arguements, they calmly split up their assets and went their separate ways.

 

A week ago, she called him and admitted she'd made a terrible mistake. She thanked him for giving her the space she needed to figure out what was wrong with her and to do the work she needed to do on herself. She'd been hideously co-dependent after growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father and she had to work through that. She asked to reconcile. I suspect he will agree.

 

Affairs have happened since the beginning of time, and I get tired of listening to the same old middle-America, conservative dribble about "commitment" and "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." .

 

For 200 years before the 1960s and 1970s people believed in "commmitment" to the exclusion of everything else - and women had to tolerate hideous intimate-partner violence, alcoholism, lovelessness, mistresses etc etc etc ... all in the name of "commitment".

 

Committment is a con, perpetuated by institutions to control people. Surely we should stay in marriages because they fulfil us. Because we get our needs met in them. Not because of a commitment we made when we probably weren't even old enough to understand what 'til death do us part meant.

 

This couple were 25 when they first got together. They are now in their 40s. Things change, people change ... give her a break.

 

Sorry, this just sounds like empty dribble to me. Commitment, shomitment...expect people not to lie and deceive is too much... I take you don't understand what it means to be a parent?

[Kidd]

My point is that these things happen. We can vilify the woman, or we can accept that she's made some bad choices, probably due to an unsatisfying marriage, an identity crisis or plain, simple boredom. Sure, if she was the picture of perfect emotional health (like everyone here expects everyone to be - which is really the unrealistic part imo) she would have engaged Van in a discussion about how she was feeling; she would have worked on the marriage; she would have made different choices ... but she didn't.

 

The only choices Van, or anyone, can control are his own. He doesn't own his wife. Sure, they made a "commitment", commitment, shomittment ... over 50% of US marriages end in Divorce and the number is similar in other developed countries. What happens to "commitment" in those cases. The world is not the picture perfect place posters here seem to want to bend it into being.

 

I've got a friend who's wife left him 12 months ago to hook-up with an old flame she met-up with on the internet. He respectfully and lovingly acknowledged her choice. he didn't like it, and he made it clear he didn't like it ... but he respected that just because they were married, didn't mean he "owned" her and she had to take her journey wherever it went. She was desperately unhappy in herself, and that manifested in her unhappiness with him and the marriage.

 

There was no drama, few arguements, they calmly split up their assets and went their separate ways.

 

A week ago, she called him and admitted she'd made a terrible mistake. She thanked him for giving her the space she needed to figure out what was wrong with her and to do the work she needed to do on herself. She'd been hideously co-dependent after growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father and she had to work through that. She asked to reconcile. I suspect he will agree.

 

Affairs have happened since the beginning of time, and I get tired of listening to the same old middle-America, conservative dribble about "commitment" and "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." .

 

For 200 years before the 1960s and 1970s people believed in "commmitment" to the exclusion of everything else - and women had to tolerate hideous intimate-partner violence, alcoholism, lovelessness, mistresses etc etc etc ... all in the name of "commitment".

 

Committment is a con, perpetuated by institutions to control people. Surely we should stay in marriages because they fulfil us. Because we get our needs met in them. Not because of a commitment we made when we probably weren't even old enough to understand what 'til death do us part meant.

 

This couple were 25 when they first got together. They are now in their 40s. Things change, people change ... give her a break.

 

What a joke.

[Tech_E]

Amen Kidd, what a steaming pile of horse____. Kismetly, have you cheated or are you married? I suspect I know the answer, but I figured I'd ask.

 

Van I for one would NOT call into question your manhood or ask you to return your man card should you chose to reconcile. The fact remains reconciliation CAN happen, but it takes a specific set of circumstances to get off the ground. At this point most of those circumstances depend on your wife.

[MusicMan1234]

Look, Kismetly, I understand what you are saying but I respectifully disagree. I think you are missing a very important point, and that is trust. When infidelity occurs, emotional or physical, trust is broken. The nature of infidelity is to lie and deceive, and this is usually between two people who used to share everything. I think of a marriage like a partnership, and a family like a team or tribe. If a partner makes a promise to keep certain activities exclusive to your relationship, and the actively deceives you in order to perform those activities with a stranger, that's disgraceful.

 

In a fire fight, can you trust this sort of person to cover your back? Or will they shoot you in the back for a better deal? Commitment is not the issues here, there's nothing wrong with a person turning around to their partner and saying 'Look, i'm not happy for [X] reasons. How can we remedy this?' At least that's honest. But what Vanhandle is going through, is a total disregard to his positition in the relationship.

 

People can talk about the 'fog' and rah rah rah, but he told her plain and simple 'If you go, I will divorce you' and she still left in order to go fraternize with a stranger. Forget about lack of trust, she pretty much spat in his face. There is only one course of action for Vanhandle now and that is to divorce her. If she gets away with this too easily, she'll do it again and again and get better at hiding the evidence each time. He needs to set an example to his children, that their father is strong and will not be walked all over like this.

 

Regarding your friend, Kismetly, it's an old story. Girl leaves husband to hook up with another man, after they break up tries to get back with husband because she's had her fun and she's dependent on men to make her feel validated. If he gets back with her, he's an idiot, because she's just going to do that same thing to him. That's not an inspirational story, it's actually quite pathetic.

[MusicMan1234]

@ Kismetly

P.S: You sound like a cheating women who's desperately trying to justify her actions because deep, deep down you feel guilt.

 

@Vanhandle

I've been lurking here from the start and only feel it fitting to chime in at this crucial impass. Be strong, do what you know you need to, my heart goes out to you and I wish you good fortune. Show her who's boss.

[Vanhandle]

OMG!! What a ****ing fool and coward I was!!

 

I just received still shots of her cavorting with the mother****er in the hotel pool. Just like real lovers, caressing, fondling each other under water, loving looks, you name it. My wife in love like I have never seen her. She was practically worshiping every inch of his body! He was sucking her stomach/breast (not clear shot but leaves nothing to the imagination) while she arches her back with a satisfied grin. I could go on but you get the picture. These are stills, so imagine what story the video will tell.

 

He also confirmed that the guy spent three nights in her room. Must have burnt a lot of midnight oil! :mad::mad:

 

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!!!! God Almighty this is so painful!!

 

If I disappear you'll know that **** has hit the fan. First I have to compose myself, prepare what I'm going to say and then confront with DEFINITE divorce. Even if she cries, begs and ask for forgiveness....I can NEVER, and I mean NEVER forgive such deliberate, malicious, evil deception. Knife in the heart. She is dead (figuratively) to me.

 

My head is reeling!

[Vanhandle]

I guess we can officially rename the title thread - "Wife MADE it physical!"....f**K!

[Tech_E]

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit.

 

Although I cannot say I am surprised.

 

How has she been she returned home?

[Vanhandle]

Very quiet, sullen, withdrawn, distant, and always looking at me....coz I'm always checking her out. Each time I look at some part of her body and then look away with inner disgust imagining what that part did. Then from the corner of my eye I see how uneasy she becomes and starts checking herself as if to see if there is something revealing. Basically I put her on edge. I think. I'm not sure coz sometimes her look seems as if she wants to escape. Today she's been very distracted and irritated with everyone and everything in the house. AS if she wants to run away.

[Vanhandle]

I can't say I'm surprised either, but there a big difference when you imagine it versus SEEING it happen.