Wife is about to make it physical.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not the one who said Van would divorce his wife if she went on the trip--Van did.

 

If he doesn't want to "enforce" that then he doesn't have to.

 

 

Then walk away. He isn't doing what you need him to do in order for him to prove his manhood. There is no reason for you to continue to torture yourself with watching the show. We wouldn't want you to bust a blood vessel or something

[GTJ]

I once saw a video of a woman who found a video from her family vacation where the husband was talking to his girlfriend while the camera was on and did not know that the sound was still on. The wife played the vacation video when his family came over and they heared everything. They were disgusted with him and cursed him out on the way out the door, and he begged for forgiveness. I don't know how that ended.

 

This is a thought, Invite her family over within a day or so and her friend that went there also, and ask her give her version of the trip, when she if finished

Then drop the hammer.

Let them know what your intentions are and reconcilation is not possible.

This stops her from rewriting history and allows you to gain some self-respect. She cannot deny the truth. She will hate you but at this point she has no respect for you or the family to begin with. You don't need this.

[bentnotbroken]

I once saw a video of a woman who found a video from her family vacation where the husband was talking to his girlfriend while the camera was on and did not know that the sound was still on. The wife played the vacation video when his family came over and they heared everything. They were disgusted with him and cursed him out on the way out the door, and he begged for forgiveness. I don't know how that ended.

 

This is a thought, Invite her family over within a day or so and her friend that went there also, and ask her give her version of the trip, when she if finished

Then drop the hammer.

Let them know what your intentions are and reconcilation is not possible.

This stops her from rewriting history and allows you to gain some self-respect. She cannot deny the truth. She will hate you but at this point she has no respect for you or the family to begin with. You don't need this.

 

 

I like this idea:bunny:.....but, he has children that he needs to consider. They have a mother who hasn't considered(or simply didn't give a damn) the impact of her actions on their lives. Shouldn't Van be the one parent they have to look up to? I am not saying don't confront and divorce her azz. What I am saying is don't do something that can potentially get back to his kids that will embarrass, anger or make it hard to trust either parent.

[bentnotbroken]

Sit down woman. You don't tell others what to do, at least not me, okay? Play that "angry black woman" sh*t somewhere else, please.

 

 

 

LOL you must be brain-dead as well as angry. It has nothing to do with his "manhood" (and that comment by you above all proves that you are hung up on being an "angry black woman.") It has to do with following through on what he promised to do as a sanction for what she did by leaving on her trip.

 

But I guess viewing things through your highly distorted lens might make that difficult for you to comprehend?

 

I am not angry about anything. So save that drama for your "mommy and me" class where tantrums are the norm. You are indeed a poster child for silliness and what not to be as a so called man.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sit down woman. You don't tell others what to do, at least not me, okay? Play that "angry black woman" sh*t somewhere else, please.

 

 

 

LOL you must be brain-dead as well as angry. It has nothing to do with his "manhood" (and that comment by you above all proves that you are hung up on being an "angry black woman.") It has to do with following through on what he promised to do as a sanction for what she did by leaving on her trip.

 

But I guess viewing things through your highly distorted lens might make that difficult for you to comprehend?

 

Three things:

 

1. She hasn't been angry, in fact she is kind of laughing at you.

 

2. That would mean she was "focused on" being a black woman. Pretty sure she only needs to check the mirror a couple times to accomplish that.

 

3. Most of us are already sitting somewhere when we type on here, it doesn't change the fact that your posts are ridiculous from this angle.

 

Looks like no one here is meeting your "standards"

 

I'll be back in a bit. I gotta go focus on being a mostly Caucasian woman with a bit of Native heritage and put my makeup on.

[bentnotbroken]

Three things:

 

1. She hasn't been angry, in fact she is kind of laughing at you.

 

2. That would mean she was "focused on" being a black woman. Pretty sure she only needs to check the mirror a couple times to accomplish that.

 

3. Most of us are already sitting somewhere when we type on here, it doesn't change the fact that your posts are ridiculous from this angle.

 

Looks like no one here is meeting your "standards"

 

I'll be back in a bit. I gotta go focus on being a mostly Caucasian woman with a bit of Native heritage and put my makeup on.

 

 

Thanks DOT, let it roll. I deal with selfish children every day. He is one of number. Nothing special or new.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are extremely angry and you get off on telling other people what to do. So much so that you hypocritically attacked me for telling Van he should follow through on what he'd promised, and divorce his wife--then in your very next response on the thread, said that you agreed he should "confront and divorce" her.

 

You weren't giving advice and support worth any percentage compared to the **** you were slinging at him. Seriously, read your own posts for comprehension.

 

BNB didn't call you out for any helpful suggestion you may have made. She called you out for ripping on a guy's character that you don't truly know and for making assumptions about a situation that you can't see the future of. Unless you apprenticed under Miss Cleo, you don't know what VanH is going to do tomorrow. Maybe this is his chance to do something different. Maybe he is a cuckhold. But he's come this far in making a healthy choice for himself: so maybe instead of shaming the dude, you could just encourage him. Even though that might feel really uncomfortable to you.

 

Maybe you need to man up instead of tearing down someone in a vulnerable spot.

 

If you think BNB's posts project anger in here, maybe it's through your own distorted lens, because she has handled you well.

 

Maybe you should sit down.

[2011aug]

My guess is that the photos and videos would be enough for Vanhandle to encourage himself to move on without her. I cant imagine the pictures and movies in his head will ever be forgotten. If he doesn't deal with it now, he'll have to eventually. Or, it will tear away at his soul constantly.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks DOT, let it roll. I deal with selfish children every day. He is one of number. Nothing special or new.

 

I will let it "roll"

 

I just got called fatso for the first time since junior high. ROFL, oh no, I have a weight problem! What? You think I'm fat? ROFL.

 

Dude, everyone's got problems: Van's got a cheating wife, I have weight issues, you have temper tantrums...

 

And....?

 

How has pointing that out helped? Feel better?

[dreamingoftigers]

My guess is that the photos and videos would be enough for Vanhandle to encourage himself to move on without her. I cant imagine the pictures and movies in his head will ever be forgotten. If he doesn't deal with it now, he'll have to eventually. Or, it will tear away at his soul constantly.

 

Later the imagery and traumatic triggers could be greatly lessened through EMDR therapy. Trust me, that therapy is a miracle.

[2011aug]

Back off fatso.

 

I understand your position (I think), but once you start calling names, you have lost control of your argument.

 

You do have a point of view that may be valid (if that's worth anything to you).

[dreamingoftigers]

Van told his wife he would divorce her. That means if he doesn't follow through, he's a liar. So it is a character issue and there's nothing more anyone needs to know about him.

 

We all have character issues. 100% of us that live and breathe on this planet, including yourself. It's the degree that matters. By the way, it has been nicely proven that all of us lie too. Again, a matter of degrees.

 

At the point where someone doesn't divorce their cheating wife, that isn't the most deep and spurious character flaw that affects the well-being of everyone else. In fact, the only person it harms is him.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well if he chooses not to divorce her, I hope that your sympathy wasn't his goal from the offset.

[Disillusioned_Wife]

I once saw a video of a woman who found a video from her family vacation where the husband was talking to his girlfriend while the camera was on and did not know that the sound was still on. The wife played the vacation video when his family came over and they heared everything. They were disgusted with him and cursed him out on the way out the door, and he begged for forgiveness. I don't know how that ended.

 

This is a thought, Invite her family over within a day or so and her friend that went there also, and ask her give her version of the trip, when she if finished

Then drop the hammer.

Let them know what your intentions are and reconcilation is not possible.

This stops her from rewriting history and allows you to gain some self-respect. She cannot deny the truth. She will hate you but at this point she has no respect for you or the family to begin with. You don't need this.

 

LOVE IT! Just absolutely love this. I second it.

[zebrack25]

KWY,

 

You need to chill out. Van has said he's going to divorce her, and he's going through a lot of stuff right now. Maybe it just hit him now how awful is wife is? How is berating him and telling him he's full of **** going to help him?

[2011aug]

Later the imagery and traumatic triggers could be greatly lessened through EMDR therapy. Trust me, that therapy is a miracle.

EDMR as in "eye movement desensitization and reprocessing"?

 

I did a quick google search. It seems this therapy may not work for everyone.

For example, take a look at this Scientific American article:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=emdr-taking-a-closer-look

 

And this:

http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/emdr.html

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll bet when you are stuffing yourself full of doughnuts and ice cream you rationalize in just the same way you are rationalizing Van's lack of response to his wife's cheating on his behalf.

 

Sorry to t/j Van.

 

Here's my common rationalization:

 

"I don't have time to prepare xyz right now."

"I will restart tomorrow."

"what's the point of losing all this weight if I am going to end up with a bunch of sagging skin anyways."

"I am too scared to change my whole life around just to be thin."

 

And I'm not a doughnuts and ice cream girl. I don't like doughnuts, even free doughnuts. And ice cream makes me feel dehydrated and ****ty the next day.

 

My big vices are: sugary juice, pasta, cheese and sour cream and Mexican food. As well as too-big portions of rice and just about any kind of carb.

 

Hope that helps. What's your list of excuses for your character flaws?

 

Include being incredibly judgmental as a character flaw.

[StoneCold]

Why should this time be any different?

 

"

 

I'm not definitively saying it will....but why should this time be like the past?

 

Everybody changes.. you just never know when

[dreamingoftigers]

EDMR as in "eye movement desensitization and reprocessing"?

 

I did a quick google search. It seems this therapy may not work for everyone.

For example, take a look at this Scientific American article:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=emdr-taking-a-closer-look

 

And this:

http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/emdr.html

 

I read the first one detailing traditional cognitive therapies at the end. I have actually been reading a ton of literature and every journal I can get ahold of detailing EMDR recently. CBT has a similar results rate but quite frankly puts the patient through a lot more work.

 

Since the Amen brain clinic spectral scans can register a massive relative reduction in stress responses in the brain and from my own personal experiences with EMDR, I would strongly recommend nearly everyone with a traumatic event at least check it out. Try it for 3 sessions even. It is easy to be skeptical without trying something. Or at least properly researching it.

[dreamingoftigers]

He doesn't need anyone's sympathy. He needs a great big kick in the rear.

 

People like you just want to keep people like Van ensnared in a swamp of endless unhappiness, self-pity, and dysfunction rather than to make any real changes, which he knows d*mn well he needs to do.

 

My end goal is to support Van in whatever decision he thinks will bring him the greatest happiness in life. Not whatever decision you think he should do to bring him great happiness.

 

It isn't up to you or me dude.

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL obviously EMDR is total quackery.

 

I'm not surprised "dreaming of tigers" endorses it, though.

 

I see that you have looked very deep into the subject and have personal experience with it, so I respect your opinion.

[StoneCold]

People like you just want to keep people like Van ensnared in a swamp of endless unhappiness, self-pity, and dysfunction rather than to make any real changes, which he knows d*mn well he needs to do.

 

 

Chang...

 

I agree with you. I find many BSers here more enablers than anything else....which is no help. But the angle you are taking of "he's going to fail, he's going to fail" doesnt help him either IMHO.

 

Its two opposite ends of the spectrum when what he most likely needs is a balanced assessment with balanced advice.

 

Oh and stop with the "fat" comments and reverse race cards. It doesnt help your point and it just makes you look silly.

[dreamingoftigers]

"Angry fat women" are even worse than "angry black women."

 

Lucky for you I am not angry then.

[stillafool]

Van, I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. I hope you do go through with the divorce as she has completely disrespected you in every way possible. BTW, she is antsy because she probably wants to call her lover but she senses something is going on with you. I would definitely kick her arse out of the house tonight.

[Mrs. Jones]

I don't understand why some people are telling him not to expose her to family and friends. Ridiculous.

 

Augh..because they have half a brain? Here’s looking at you Steadfast. *wink*

 

Let the man walk out of this with some dignity, if this is what he chooses to do. He knows what she is. She knows what she is. By him leaving on his own accord because he will not stand for this says a lot and will say a lot to her. Why stoop to her level?

 

Plus it will make her feel worse, as she’s most likely expecting it. Time will reveal it all as he would come out looking rationally cool with class, juxtaposed to her irrationally cheap conduct.

 

In the long run, you will feel better about yourself by walking out this way.

 

Take a note from Steadfast's book. It's right on.