YellowShark Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Guys, I understand that the PI will probably only bring me photos of them kissing, holding hands, frolicking in the sun, etc. And MOST importantly, as I have stated previously, I cannot undo the PI thing even if I wanted to. It’s non-refundable! So might as well get my money’s worth. Yes. That ball is in motion. Let it ride. Also, it will embarrass her in front of her family. That you can bet on, because one thing she NEVER EVER likes is to be embarrassed. Regardless of her state of mind. Just don't wave any evidence in people's faces. Makes you look like a total dick. Handle it with class and simply tell the people that your wife had another man, and so you divorced her. If her family asks for evidence tell them to "..please go speak with their daughter, the private investigator gave *me* all the evidence *I* need." ...that thought REALLY crossed my mind but then I realized it would be too pathetic and possibly dangerous. After all, I would be in the OM's backyard would I not? Would be immensely gratifying to catch them in the act but ultimately she's not worth the risk. Correct on all counts. ...Even though I am getting to a place where I don't care anymore I think during those last 5 nights I will be in much torment and hurt. Sad really. She is losing something special for lust disguised as love. Your wife has "left the reservation" emotionally for a Latin fantasy. That is the path she has determined to follow. That doesn't mean you have to follow her down that path. Take another path and let her go it alone. Her fantasy will fail and then she will come crying back to you. Instead of a pity party for yourself use that break to strengthen your resolve and self-esteem. Here's a great quote I lived by during my breakup. It helped me. "Less gravy.. more steel." Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Let the next week unfold as your wife planned it. No pathetic shows of emotion or exploding in anger/screaming/nastiness (i.e. packing her suitcase today and sending her on her way). Just go through the motions and strengthen your resolve that you are not happy, but no mention of the OM or begging and focus on the kids. Enjoy the kids while she is gone and stay busy with them. Also focus some time on yourself, i.e. hit the gym/golf course/tennis courts or catch up on reading/movies/dvds..... Stay strong..... Link to post Share on other sites
eamherst14051 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Tough situation to be in for sure. Me, I'm one of the more vengeful individuals here and believe in retribution. If she goes I would go completely dark and not allow any correspondence with you OR the children while she is gone! Whatever happens I pray for you and your children, God Bless Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Van---I am sorry but---I respectfully disagree with the above posters---do not just do nothing----If she is bound to go---you can't stop her------but if you want your mge. at all-----then you need to try I don't know if the 2 above posters were cheated on---but do you Van, have any idea of the pain, suffering, hurt, that you will go thru if she has her tryst----What you are going thru now is nothing compared to what you will feel, if she is "done" by her lover, an accurate american comparison might be kindergarten to college, and do not fool yourself---she is going to cuba for one reason, and one reason only, and it ain't to study dance Your life, and the life of your kids will NEVER be the same----and everyone on this board who has been cheated on KNOWS IT Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I don't know if the 2 above posters were cheated on---but do you Van, have any idea of the pain, suffering, hurt, that you will go thru if she has her tryst----What you are going thru now is nothing compared to what you will feel, if she is "done" by her lover, an accurate american comparison might be kindergarten to college, and do not fool yourself---she is going to cuba for one reason, and one reason only, and it ain't to study dance With all he has gone through with her up until this point I think it'd be safe to say that he has had the brunt of it already. Hes lost her and he seems to have come to terms with this....Her going through with her tryst now may very well be a bullet in a dead horse and may just be exactly what he needs. If he tries to stop her and fails...he may feel like a punk for putting himself out over something that was finished a long time ago and in hindsight not worth the effort. If he tries to stop her and succeeds hes going to be sent back to limbo because hes in a dieing relationship and him stopping her doesnt mean she wont try again or simply switch to another dude in his own back yard. His marriage is like stage 4 cancer.....your pretty much dead (sorry dont mean to strike a nerve with anybody going thorugh cancer).....its pain management at that point and the best you could hope for is a quick clean departure rather than a long dragged out painful one. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 What an insulting post, absolutely insulting and disgusting. How does this help the OP? Well of course it doesn't, it's your usual drivel and nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Oh yes OP, be sure to have your child(ren) DNA-tested because they're most likely not yours biologically. Once again you show your complete lack of knowledge about much of anything. What point is a DNA test now? They were married when they had these children, and his name is on the birth certificates. He is legally their father, and he is legally obligated to support them regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 If I found out right now that any or all of my children were not biologically mine, what difference would it make? I've raised them and loved them, and been their Dad all their lives, and they've returned that love unconditionally, always. Where lies the point? Perhaps your problem is you have no real idea what love is? Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 If you guys wanna argue start your own thread---what you are doing is not helping Van's situation----feel free to debate all you want elsewhere---stick to the point here!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 You can respond all you want---but don't hijack this thread---I should think a one time answer is enuff, and then drop it Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 At least be honest and admit that you wouldn't want such a test performed because you couldn't handle it emotionally to find out that the kids weren't really yours, biologically. That's the truth of the matter and your inference that you're a bigger man and more capable of love by keeping your head in the sand is more of your smoke and mirrors.Although true that finding out that the child is not biologically yours may change how you treat the child going forward, if you love the child and have raised the child as your own, why would you want to do that to the them? The real truth is that the child is innocent yet would suffer through no fault of there own if you do take a DNA test that shows that you are not the father. For the love of the child do not take a DNA test. Enjoy being the father and let them enjoy your fatherly love. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Although true that finding out that the child is not biologically yours may change how you treat the child going forward, if you love the child and have raised the child as your own, why would you want to do that to the them? The real truth is that the child is innocent yet would suffer through no fault of there own if you do take a DNA test that shows that you are not the father. For the love of the child do not take a DNA test. Enjoy being the father and let them enjoy your fatherly love.From personal experience, this viewpoint may not hold if you are not sure you will not let any bitterness and disappointment in her grew over time, which can degenerate to spousal abuse. As a child, who dealt with that when younger, in a way it was a relief when father was gone. Though I don't know if cheating was present in case of my parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 is cheating. RepairMinded you love to threadjack..... Please stop it. My wife travles with a friend and also with other girlfriends to some martial arts expos.... She is obviously cheating on me..... Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 They also have the right to know "the truth." And "the truth" includes whether or not the person they believe to be their biological father, and have been told is their biological father, really is their biological father. You can try and justify lying to the children for their entire lives all you want but it's still lying and it's still wrong and it's only purpose isn't for protection of the child but for protection of the cuckolded father's ego. The DNA issue is a red herring in that there is little real life use for that information in determining medical treatment. If the father has been wondering about this then the child is already suffering and you might as well get the DNA test to determine it one way or the other. It could actually have a positive effect since the test could prove that the child is yours. If you could put the test off until the child is an adult that would be best since the child will be in a better position to handle it. This situation is different since the father has never expressed this concern and thus posts stating otherwise are introducing this to his mind for the first time. Not a good thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 and quit engaging RepairMinded as he is ruining a very good (and sad) thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vanhandle Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 I only have a moment coz we're celebrating my daughter's 3rd birthday. RepairMinded, you don't know squat about my wife other than what I have said here. I have no energy to fight your insults so please stop the threadjack. *sigh* It was going so well... The ones who've been giving me great feedback, thanks and please continue to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 RepairMinded, you don't know squat about my wife other than what I have said here. I have no energy to fight your insults so please stop the threadjack. *sigh* It was going so well... The ones who've been giving me great feedback, thanks and please continue to do so. VanHandle, please do not allow this poster to chase you off as he has done with so many others. When you believe there is a violation report it to the moderators. Happy birthday to your child, enjoy this special day with your family. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I only have a moment coz we're celebrating my daughter's 3rd birthday. RepairMinded, you don't know squat about my wife other than what I have said here. I have no energy to fight your insults so please stop the threadjack. *sigh* It was going so well... The ones who've been giving me great feedback, thanks and please continue to do so. Dont worry about RepairMinded....he a twit... carry on with your events as transpired Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I only have a moment coz we're celebrating my daughter's 3rd birthday. RepairMinded, you don't know squat about my wife other than what I have said here. I have no energy to fight your insults so please stop the threadjack. *sigh* It was going so well... The ones who've been giving me great feedback, thanks and please continue to do so. I was just about to write and wonder if, after reading this barrage of useless garbage you'd ever come back. I'm glad you did. RepairMinded, Jason Todd, John Michael Kane, Mr.Harris or whatever you're calling yourself today, you should be ashamed of your total lack of understanding and support towards this poster. As you (or one of your alter-egos) have said, coming from a background of infidelity I'd like to think you'd view the poster as another unfortunate member of the fraternity. Instead he reads of spreading, spearing loads and (for medical and ethical purposes) DNA testing due to her years of unfaithfulness. As if! I'd wager he has bigger fish to fry, like keeping his sanity and focus. Even if the DNA slant was valid, the timing is way off. Of course, little things like the kids looking like him and such might play a part too. Vanhandle, this poster (regardless of which user name he/she chooses) would rather debate, argue, insult and play games than provide you with any useful information regarding healing, moving on, wise decision making or properly caring for your kids in this stressful time. The overwhelming percentage of the posters here will advise (even if you don't agree) with the best of intentions for you but some, like the person mentioned above, is not posting here for that reason. I'm sorry that your questions and requests for assistance are being sidetracked by this self-serving, argumentative garbage, but you are not the first. Judging this person's attitude (and predictable response) you won't be the last. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Van, I am sorry that you are going through this. Your W sounds like she is seriously bugging. Please see a lawyer ASAP! Two things that I must mention... 1. She will never be able to relocate to Cuba if she is a US Citizen. 2. Unless she is willing to pay for his raft to go the 90 miles from Cuban to Florida, he will never be able to live in the US. *Of couse, as long as Cuba continues to be a communist country* Another thing that I want to tell you- these hotel workers in the Caribbean "fall in love" with the tourist guests every other day. Your W is a fool to leave her reality for an "illusion" or a "fantasy". These men are like gigolos, this is how they make a living. They get with the tourists for gadgets, clothes, sneakers, money, etc. I know that this is the last thing that you want to hear but consider yourself lucky that is in Cuba that she cant go wiring him money like crazy. Due to the embargo, only relatives are allowed to send money and there is a quota. Would have been a Dominican (no offense) you would be broke by now. I don't mean to stereotype. I know what I am talking about. These men have the gift of gab and of course, your W felt for the smooth talk and the mambo fever. I feel for you my friend. I thought that I share with you that, maybe you can feel a bit better. (maybe? maybe? in hope! big hug for you) Now, your W will be in for a big surprise when she travels the 500+miles from one end of the island to the other and this dude has 3 kids and a wife. If she only knew... I'm ashamed of my own race. LOL! On another note- seek legal advice and be strong. Sounds like your W is bugging. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 LOL...the funny thing is she thinks she has something special and this guy is likely fleecing her... I know the "cuban" tactic.....agressive and forward yet mindful of boundaries, smoother than Skippy peanut butter. Its survival for them because they are all looking for a way out of there and they do that by getting into te heads, hearts and pussies of the women. One buddy of mine who is Cuban and used to work on the resorts and got here by way of...you guessed it...a girl (she was single though) told me that that is what they do...and when they get here and get on their feet they either change drastically or they bounce. LMAO.... Wanna learn how to be a master seducer? take notes from the Cubans lol If I were you I would make the ultimate goal divorce. I understand that it is a challenge dealing with making that leap and the chnages that come with the territory...the uncertainty with the kids well being is a toughie to swallow too.....what will people think, what will this cost me, where do I go, how suppotive will my family be, will the kids be ok, I dont know how to be single anymore......it goes on and on so I understand that this isnt something you just up and do. You have to do this on your own time; we just hope its sooner than later. But until you get there I would also just do my own thing..take back my happiness...if you meet someone...go for it....what are you holding a candle for? marriage is done....you dont owe her anything...may as well have some fun. Sorry to chime in on this but Cubans from Cuba who reside in Cuba, are not eligible for spousal petitions. They will already have to be in the US to be able to obtain legal status. Unless your friend paid for him to be smuggled to US shores, I wouldn't see how in the world she was able to bring him here. Your friend is probably from Dominican Rep or another island but not Cuban OR he's not telling you that he swam across 90 miles... LOL! This is bs! Cubans are called "Cubanos come mierda". Google translate that! I'm actually a proud one, my other half is more despicable when it comes to taking advantage of tourists and women. The op needs to worry about what is happening at home. His wife has checked out. It's sad that she is also ignoring her kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vanhandle Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) @Tech, Toodamn, Stead, Stone, Soul, YellowShark and Try - Thank you, your words are very encouraging. Don't worry I'm not easily intimidated so I am still here. My daughter's birthday was great but inwardly sad for me coz this just might be the last birthday she'll have with her parents married. This is so wrong. Everyday I pinch myself in the hopes that I wake up from this nightmare. @mimolicious - Thanks for the encouragement, but we're Canadian so there is no embargo. If she has the will then anything is possible. But, I highly doubt she wants to bring him over. She just wants the "salsa" on the side and me as the safe haven. As far as the guy is concerned, from what I have uncovered, he is an up and coming singer who just released a popular song and he just signed a contract with a big time (Cuban) producer. He's quite educated and his father is also in the music business so I don't think he's one of those no-good louts at the resorts. I'm not trying to defend or put him in good light, but just trying to shed light on what might have been so alluring to my wife. Either way its f**ked up...for me and my children! She is leaving in 24 hrs and the emotions are running roughshod on me. I thought I was OK 2 days ago but now? Dunno man...this f**king sucks! She keeps telling me "be confident", "don't pass bad vibes to the universe", "you'll be fine". I said "you're damn right I'll be right" and then I couldn't hold myself from saying "Just so you know they don't have condoms in Cuba". I know, I know, but I just couldn't sit passively and watch her go off without me putting in a dig. Edited August 1, 2011 by Vanhandle Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Van- My posts are delayed in showing up on the forum right now, so you may not get this in time to help you. But...if you do...go back and look for my previous post to you a couple of pages back. Tell her she can go...but if that's her choice...then there's no coming back to you. And mean it. If she chooses to get on that plane, she chooses divorce. If she chooses to stay...then that means she COMMITS FULLY towards rebuilding the marriage. Go back and read my post...hope that helps. Hope you get this in time to do you some good. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Your wife is a real piece of work. Hope you have the best lawyer you can afford. If the roles were reversed how do you think she would be acting? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 When she leaves, the time for threats will have passed. It will be time for action. Link to post Share on other sites
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