Blue Gardenia Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I came on here again after about 6 months, and found another thread called "1 year on". It was a success story. Well, mine isn't. One year ago today, a significant relationship ended. I loved him with every molecule in my body, but we had to separate because we could not reconcile our religious differences. Three months later, I called him again, after doing a lot of soul searching, and wanting to talk again to try to work things out. He had met someone else by then, and it certainly seemed like he had strong feelings for her as he did not want to end that relationship even though, according to him, he still had feelings for me and cared about me. He told me he still missed me and hadn't closed his heart to me. blah blah blah, Anyway, i was crushed that he could move on so effortlessly. In my mind, I always thought that given the intensity of our feelings for each other, we just needed time apart and would eventually find our way back to each other. I mean, we wanted to get married, that's how much we loved each other. But it was not to be. After October, I hit rock bottom. But I tried to pick myself up. I have tried my hardest to heal. Please don't judge; just trust me on that. Travel, sports, skiing holiday in the winter, new hobbies, concerts, lost weight, worked on myself, took St. John's Wort, saw a psychologist, etc. But I love him, and I miss him. I have tried to meet others, mostly online, but trust me when I say this -- no one seems interested in me! It might be my age, 40, which can be a bit of a turn off unless a man is in his 50s (and I'm not sure if I am ready for a 10+ age difference - not yet, anyway). Or, it may be picture. It may also be my location - there is a small singles market where I live. Whatever it is, I have not had a date in one year, and it does not look like that is going to change in the near future. How do I stop loving someone, especially when they stopped loving me a long time ago (october)? How do I make the pain go away? How do I stop wondering "what if"? Is this normal? This was my first significant relationship (at age 39), so I know that has something to do with it. But I'm a pretty "together" person, and I thought with hard work, and the knowledge that he met someone else so quickly after our separation and felt quite strongly about her within weeks, would help me heal and move on. I haven't. Is there something wrong with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 The key is to STOP. THe problem is your heart and mind are not in sync to do just that. Stop obsessing over what was, or the feelings you had. If the genuine grieving for the relationship happened then to some extent you would have "peace" about this. So somewhere along the way you paused the process of grieving and are stuck in the moments. I am surprised that your therepist or medical personnel didnt guide you thru some healing techniques....THe reality and the heart are a tricky thing. THe reality is , life has moved on for your former mate, and the heart in you hasnt accepted that life has gone on for others. Do give yourself credit though, you made it a year and life really does go on in positive ways! Surely you can pat yourself on the back and see the goodness that the past relations did teach you. Take that with you and get right with yourself. You deserve to know that you are a loving person . You are physically healthy , intelligent and have much to offer society. Accentuate the goodness and pick yourself up and do well for yourself. Let go of the past, its the past for a reason.... Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I'm still hurting four years later. I'm 40 as well, and I haven't had a date in all that time. Still love my ex too much, and I think I'm too old for anyone to be interested. And I'm in NYC! I'm very sorry you're going through it too, and I hope you have better luck than I am! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blue Gardenia Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 The key is to STOP. THe problem is your heart and mind are not in sync to do just that. Stop obsessing over what was, or the feelings you had. If the genuine grieving for the relationship happened then to some extent you would have "peace" about this. So somewhere along the way you paused the process of grieving and are stuck in the moments. I am surprised that your therepist or medical personnel didnt guide you thru some healing techniques....THe reality and the heart are a tricky thing. THe reality is , life has moved on for your former mate, and the heart in you hasnt accepted that life has gone on for others..... Let go of the past, its the past for a reason.... thanks for this. I wouldn't say I'm obsessing, well maybe I am. Yes, it is hard for me to believe that life went on for him so fast. But at the same time I have accepted it. Its the hurt and sadness that won't go away. How do you achieve the "peace" that you speak of? Link to post Share on other sites
jeff2321 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I am about a year out myself and I'm still miserable. I just can't seem to get over her no matter what I do. I'm quite depressed and question the purpose of life at this point. Jeff Link to post Share on other sites
lovesickmonkey Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Whoah. I'm miserable too BUT I don't aim to be this way forever. Counseling. That's what we need. And cognitive therapy. The thoughts we are having are bad for us and they must be changed. I'm 43 and I had a nice date with a beautiful 48 year old last night. We must try to end thoughts of our exes, who are not coming back and who are not thinking of us. We are not being fair to ourselves by thinking of them. I think it was Almond_Joy who began snapping herself with a rubber band whenever thoughts of her ex came up. Techniques like this work. Just start to realize that holding on is hurting. Once you accept that, then you can try methods of forgetting. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I think there is nothing wrong with the fact that its been a year and you still feel hurt. Its pains so even after many many years, thinking back you still might feel hurt. I think you have reached a point where you know who you are and what you want in a partner, therefore it is harder to you to get over him. Young like me, I know that I dont want that kind of guy, so I got over my ex a lot quicker. 3 months and I am fine. The key thing that you need to do right now, is, counseling, and meeting new guys. You need to. It is hard, but at least it will take your mind of him. As for him moving on, yes it is amazing how the ex move on so quickly, but that is good, now you know he is not that great of a person. So you have better reasons to move on. After a while you will be fine and now that you are moving on, you will move on quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
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