MissBee Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 This is a spin off of Turning Table's thread in which her exMM upon dday denied the nature of their relationship. Others chimed in about how their MM did the same and I have had my own experience as the OW where I called, the gf picked up, and he proceeded to speak to me as though I was one of his business clients. He was super formal an curt. The next day he of course went back to his usual self, calling me affection names, and I could not help but feel insulted and reality-smacked! "Throwing you under the bus", denying you, minimizing the relationship to the spouse or others, how do you process this? I was watching a tv show in which a hospital was being taken over by armed men. A couple was there and everytime the gun was pointed in their direction the boyfriend pushed the gf infront of him! It's funny but at the same time not...how many would continue dating a man who did this or how many would continue to believe he truly loved them if he did such a thing? I wouldn't. I'd argue though, that while this person may love/care for you, it's not that much. Anyway.....any thoughts on how one can resume a relationship after being denied? Does it call into question the strength of the love? Does it make you look at your AP differently? Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I don't mean to be thick, but isn't there some type of understanding in an affair that both participants will keep it secret, atleast from the BS? I thought that was the idea, why be angry that the MP continues to deny? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I don't mean to be thick, but isn't there some type of understanding in an affair that both participants will keep it secret, atleast from the BS? I thought that was the idea, why be angry that the MP continues to deny? I don't think that everyone enters into an affair, or similar type relationship, with the understanding that they will be denied or that they will accept having it happen. I know I wouldn't. Deny me or my meaning in your life, and its over. I think the normal reaction to being denied by a person you love, and that has professed a similar love to you has to hurt. I'm aware that it likely hurts the people that know its going to happen if they get caught too, but I can't imagine how they process the feelings WHEN it actually happens. I think they think they would be okay with it, but then they realize that the guy is salvaging the marital relationship and they are left looking like a doormat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cupshalfempty Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 No..denie me all you want. I personally don't want to deal with the show down that could erupt from the BS. Sure I guess I'm a pussy or whatever but I'd rather him denie me and exit his M without my being involved in it. I'll deal with it if I HAVE to, but I'd rather stay out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
heartinlove Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Mine did the same on d-day where he volunteered the information about affair not because he was discovered. I understood him not saying the whole picture about us and his feelings for me. I agree with cup as ultimately if he does leave his marriage, id rather it be about the marriage being over between them than about me. Also, there was so much rage understandably directed my way from her, I would have preferred being left out of the equation entirely. Even that he initially broke off with me for awhile to see if his marriage was salveagable I understood. If he left, I would want him to leave because the marriage is truly irreparable, not just to be with me. It made sense to me that if he left that way, it would be better for everyone. Just my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 I don't mean to be thick, but isn't there some type of understanding in an affair that both participants will keep it secret, atleast from the BS? I thought that was the idea, why be angry that the MP continues to deny? Yes most times, but from what I have seen on LS, apparently not all affairs work that way. Some have said that no hiding or secrets were involved....I may be the dense one now, as I am not sure how that constitutes an affair. While it is "understood" on one level, I do think that if you are in love with this person or consider it a full fledged relationship with all the bells and whistles except for the minor detail of your partner being committed to another, then there has to be some dissonance between those moments where you feel like his one and only and the moments where it is apparent that things are "off". When the guy I was seeing proceeded to speak to me as if I was a stranger because his gf was there....no amount of "prior understanding" made it feel less insulting. I think what made it worst was the fact that it wasn't like it was "planned", where we both agreed at that moment to minimize things, my call was a surprise, her answering was a surprise to me, I suppose it was surprising to him too and to see how he shifted gears under pressure and immediately distanced himself was very gut wrenching. That did NOTHING to make me think that if a time came to choose he would choose me. It reinforced the fact that her feelings were protected but mine weren't I was supposed to know about her and be okay...smh. If one is just having a fling then none of this matters as I think the agreements would be more spelled out and it would be more of an "arrangement". I suppose my deeper question is, how does one promote a natural flow in an A, without moments like these jarring you and making you decide that it's some bull? I could not....but I am curious to know how others managed that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 I thought I was dating a separated man. They had a d day unknown to me at the time. Some things had happened that caused me to know something was going on but I had no idea what really happened. When the BS and I talked I found out the real story and it wasn't pretty. I thought the man loved me and we had a future together because we had exchanged I love you's, some talk about the future, etc. Afterall we had been dating long distance for 2 months shy of 2 years. He told her I meant nothing to him, he said he didn't love me, I chased him, I was the 1st woman who had ever flirted with him. He told her that I was married and that he had broke me and my husband up. He told her that my husband was a mean, mean man and carried a gun and he would kill him if she contacted me. (I've been divorced for many years). The reason he told her this was to keep her away from me, so I nor her would find out the truth. The other disgusting lie he told her was she found a lot of money missing (and no I sure as hell didn't get it) and in order to cover his sorry azz about that, he said the first thing that popped into his head. He told her that I was a druggie and he had bought me drugs. I don't do drugs. The drug thing was one of the most hurtful because it was a complete and total lie. Actually all of them were incredibly hurtful and mean and nasty but it was all to cover his sorry azz and smooth things over to remain unaccountable and frankly........sometimes I'm still very, very pissed off about it and when I'm pissed..........I freakin' hate him! I know.........this to will pass! Maybe I need to start a thread about the anger thing. OMG BB! Are you serious???? That is some effed up stuff! What a punk...omg....you have every right to be angry as I am angry too and it wasn't even me! Druggie???? Omg....wow. There wa a thread in which someone said a MM who goes crying back to his wife is a huge P....y and I agreed and added that perhaps many of them are huge P...ys in general, and it may only take DDay to bring that fact to light..... I can't believe this man really went so far as to slander you like that! SMH! I understand downplaying but to really go as far as to accuse you of being a drug addict and then to concoct fanciful tales about your gun toting husband?! If this wasn't so disgusting , it would be laughable! WOW....just wow. I wonder how he lives with himself.... Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Minimized the A of almost 3 years on D day. Said somebody had a thing about him and wouldn't stop calling his phone. I don't know whether she really believed him or not but you could be sure he would manipulate her. He sayed he was skilled at that because after 47 years of marriage he knew her like he knew himself. He denied my existence . He denied his wife too. He treated her like a moron who had no right to the truth... he took away her right to know what had happened for the last 3 years of her life. He took away the options of a choice she might have made had she known. I could never tell her all that happened because it would rip her and her family to pieces. Hindsight tells me that I am glad he stayed with her. I feel sad for her but would never tell her. Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Minimized the A of almost 3 years on D day. Said somebody had a thing about him and wouldn't stop calling his phone. I don't know whether she really believed him or not but you could be sure he would manipulate her. He sayed he was skilled at that because after 47 years of marriage he knew her like he knew himself. He denied my existence . He denied his wife too. He treated her like a moron who had no right to the truth... he took away her right to know what had happened for the last 3 years of her life. He took away the options of a choice she might have made had she known. I could never tell her all that happened because it would rip her and her family to pieces. Hindsight tells me that I am glad he stayed with her. I feel sad for her but would never tell her. Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Well, I feel sorry for him. Seems he's the one who isn't capable of a real romantic relationship that doesn't involve lying and manipulating to feel (false) idolation from others in order to be happy with himself. THAT is how he lives with himself. GG, does he have another OW? MB, what would he have possibly said in front of his SO? Excuse me honey, this is my GF, can you give me some privacy? The same thing works in reverse though. In retrospect I can remember speaking to my H on the phone and wondering WTH? He spoke hard and business like and was short. That would have been the times he was in the backseat with his OW. I guess it's normal to feel sympathy for the people who are manipulated but the saddest part are the pseudo humans that play these games because they are nobody without them. Link to post Share on other sites
So Very Confused Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I'm not sure what my MM told his wife when she found my number on his phone bill. I know there was a confrontation but he won't get specific about the result. I have no doubt that he told her I was just a friend or some crazy stalker. There's no way a BW finds out her spouse is having an A and just leaves it at that. That's the story he's telling though. One time we were out of town for the weekend and by pure chance happened to eat in the same restaurant as someone he knew. We were walking out when all of the sudden he bolted for the door. I couldn't figure out what had happened. All I knew is all of the sudden the door slammed in my face and he's usually very well mannered. He says his friend saw him and he didn't want to explain who I was or why he was there so he ran for the parking lot. All I know is that he proved that when things get tough, he's going to leave me hanging while he flees for safety. Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I thought I was dating a separated man. They had a d day unknown to me at the time. Some things had happened that caused me to know something was going on but I had no idea what really happened. When the BS and I talked I found out the real story and it wasn't pretty. I thought the man loved me and we had a future together because we had exchanged I love you's, some talk about the future, etc. Afterall we had been dating long distance for 2 months shy of 2 years. He told her I meant nothing to him, he said he didn't love me, I chased him, I was the 1st woman who had ever flirted with him. He told her that I was married and that he had broke me and my husband up. He told her that my husband was a mean, mean man and carried a gun and he would kill him if she contacted me. (I've been divorced for many years). The reason he told her this was to keep her away from me, so I nor her would find out the truth. The other disgusting lie he told her was she found a lot of money missing (and no I sure as hell didn't get it) and in order to cover his sorry azz about that, he said the first thing that popped into his head. He told her that I was a druggie and he had bought me drugs. I don't do drugs. The drug thing was one of the most hurtful because it was a complete and total lie. Actually all of them were incredibly hurtful and mean and nasty but it was all to cover his sorry azz and smooth things over to remain unaccountable and frankly........sometimes I'm still very, very pissed off about it and when I'm pissed..........I freakin' hate him! I know.........this to will pass! Maybe I need to start a thread about the anger thing. BB: **Hugs** Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 :mad::mad::mad:Oh goodness no gentlegirl I feel sad for you not his wife. Did he not also take away a choice you may have made had you known he would throw you under the bus? You spent 3 years of your life on a man that was married to another for 47 years and yet you feel sorry for his wife? I think his wife after 47 knows the score with her relationship and where she wants to be. You on the other hand, spent 3 years with nothing and knowing nothing. Nothing real, no reality, nothing to hold on to. No gentlegirl I feel for you certainly not his wife of 47 years who probably doesn't want his old man grubbby hands on her anymore anyway. That was your job. She was probably ecstactically happy during those 3 yeaars while you ran around galivanting with her husband. After 47 years she got a little break from him and you got his panting and slobbering. Tony throw me out now because I'm having my say. You come across as such a cruel and horrible person Kristi. You have no reason to be on here other than to berate people. You offer no counsel and you offer no help. You're cruel and quite frankly some of the things I've seen you write are twisted. You may not be breaking T and C here but as a person you break just about every rule going. I'll bow now and wave to all who have been good company here. I wish you all luck but I imagine I'm going to feel Tony's boot. Bye! :D:D:D:D:D:D:lmao::lmao::(:(:love::love::love::cool::cool::cool::o:o:o:o:o:o Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 fBs here.... He told her I did not love him, just tolerated him, was there for a paycheck, and we rarely to never had sex. I loved him completely, had sex at least twice a week during the affair, was working three jobs to keep a roof over our heads and took care of our children and his and my aging, ill, parents. He told me she was "just a friend" from work and he started to go through something right before his father died, and they went out of town on a business trip, and it was a dark and stormy night and they drank too much and "it" just happened and she brought the condoms. Let me see....he told her I drank too much, was a lousy housekeeper, never helped him with the gardening, and when he reached his financial goals he wanted to take care of her and her son forever. Hmmm...she told him she was miserably married, her xH had left and married his last AP, never gave her a dime and everyday was a fight over assets he was trying to steal from her family. Lies, lies and more damndable lies! Every single word of it. Link to post Share on other sites
browndog319 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 My MM told his wife we were just friends and he just flirted with me on both DDays. I didn't realize until coming here that by denying our relationship - the one in which he told me he had never felt this way before, that he loved me, that he couldn't let me go, blah, blah, blah - he was minimizing me and just how disposable I truly was in his life. I've been using the toy analogy a lot, but it is really how I feel. It's more like the toy that gets left at your grandparents house - you love it, play with it nonstop while you're visiting, wish you had one just like it at home, but when you go home, you're just as satisfied with your old toys. And it isn't until you come back to your grandparents' house and take this occasional toy out of the closet that you feel that love and joy again, don't know how you've lived without it, but it is just temporary. And you can forget about it when it is out of sight. I feel like that toy. I'm getting angry because he sends me Emails every few days - so he's trying to make sure that I'm not a broken toy when he comes back to grandma's house. That my battery is not dead. Cheerful references to conversations that we've had, signs that he knows where I am over the weekend. But I know what he's up to. Part of me is relieved that he is clearly thinking of me, that I'm still in his mind (maybe his heart?) and that he clearly isn't 100% on board with his marriage. Then the other part of me is like leave me alone, d-bag. Just go be lonely in your sad marriage, you drunk. Go finish drinking yourself to death. You chose, and maybe you chose wrong, but deal with it. That's your problem. I doubt I'll ever say the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Anyway.....any thoughts on how one can resume a relationship after being denied? Does it call into question the strength of the love? Does it make you look at your AP differently? Excellent question MissB. I often wondered myself how anyone can respect / love someone who denied them when an opportunity presented itself for the MM to finally be "free" of that awful wife and be with his true love Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I don't mean to be thick, but isn't there some type of understanding in an affair that both participants will keep it secret, atleast from the BS? I thought that was the idea, why be angry that the MP continues to deny? I agree IWWH. I don't know a single cheater who told their spouse PRIOR to any kind of affair to let them know "hey, you are boring me/I'm bored/I want excitement/etc so I am going to go find someone to rock my world. I'll be back in a bit". I don't think that everyone enters into an affair, or similar type relationship, with the understanding that they will be denied or that they will accept having it happen. I know I wouldn't. Deny me or my meaning in your life, and its over. I think the normal reaction to being denied by a person you love, and that has professed a similar love to you has to hurt. I'm aware that it likely hurts the people that know its going to happen if they get caught too, but I can't imagine how they process the feelings WHEN it actually happens. I think they think they would be okay with it, but then they realize that the guy is salvaging the marital relationship and they are left looking like a doormat. Agree No..denie me all you want. I personally don't want to deal with the show down that could erupt from the BS. Sure I guess I'm a pussy or whatever but I'd rather him denie me and exit his M without my being involved in it. I'll deal with it if I HAVE to, but I'd rather stay out of it. really? You really believe he is going to exit his marriage AND no one will be the wiser that you were having an affair with him? Really? You are already IN it. The day you chose to sleep with a MM is the day you invited drama into your life. I'm not sure what my MM told his wife when she found my number on his phone bill. I know there was a confrontation but he won't get specific about the result. I have no doubt that he told her I was just a friend or some crazy stalker. There's no way a BW finds out her spouse is having an A and just leaves it at that. That's the story he's telling though. One time we were out of town for the weekend and by pure chance happened to eat in the same restaurant as someone he knew. We were walking out when all of the sudden he bolted for the door. I couldn't figure out what had happened. All I knew is all of the sudden the door slammed in my face and he's usually very well mannered. He says his friend saw him and he didn't want to explain who I was or why he was there so he ran for the parking lot. All I know is that he proved that when things get tough, he's going to leave me hanging while he flees for safety. And are you still with him, knowing full well how he doesn't want anyone to know about you or is not someone he wants to be seen with? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I probably shouldn't even respond to your post MB, as I feel my ending was different to many. As to your question; I do feel my xmm loved me, just not enough to walk away from his marriage. And I don't look at him differently. I still love him, still wish him the best, still believe he loved me. I just don't wait on him anymore. I live for ME now. WN, just wanted to say how much I like this post. I've been in the EXACT same position and rarely see others with the same outlook. Personally I find it a really health approach. I hope you continue to feel as peaceful about it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I don't mean to be thick, but isn't there some type of understanding in an affair that both participants will keep it secret, atleast from the BS? I thought that was the idea, why be angry that the MP continues to deny? I agree. It's unpleasant but the principle is either a) the relationship is secret so denying will happen; or b) it's not secret in which case the spouse will already know of the AP and no Dday necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 There's no way a BW finds out her spouse is having an A and just leaves it at that. That's the story he's telling though. SVC: I know first-hand that is EXACTLY how some people work. My boyfriend's wife would STILL take him back no questions asked and she knows a lot about our relationship, no Dday, he told her how long it had been going on etc. At every turn she refused to accept my existence and still does. Which is totally her prerogative but I'm not sure how she's behaving is terribly healthy - for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Well, at least she's consistent in her remarks and her language. You have to say that about her. Have a lovely weekend all. Gentlegirl. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitsune77 Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 :mad::mad::mad: Tony throw me out now because I'm having my say. You come across as such a cruel and horrible person Kristi. You have no reason to be on here other than to berate people. You offer no counsel and you offer no help. You're cruel and quite frankly some of the things I've seen you write are twisted. You may not be breaking T and C here but as a person you break just about every rule going. I'll bow now and wave to all who have been good company here. I wish you all luck but I imagine I'm going to feel Tony's boot. Bye! :D:D:D:D:D:D:lmao::lmao::(:(:love::love::love::cool::cool::cool::o:o:o:o:o:o I'm glad it's not just me that was taken aback by the nastiness of KS post. Link to post Share on other sites
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