sweetbutcheeky Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 A guy I have dated of and off (not seriously) and I have been hanging out watching a movie and having sex. Which is fine with me. We aren't looking for anything serious and I don't see him as relationship material. Why I am posting is because I decided to ask him if he is sleeping with anyone else. He said he is hanging out with another woman and they do have sex. That doesn't bother me, I assumed as much anyway. I am concerned with cleanliness. Is it safe to have sex with a guy who is also having sex with another woman? We use a condom but I get thinking about oral sex and I dunno if I should continue since I don't know how safe they are. I told him my concern and he said "I don't feel obligated to report my sex life to you". I told him where my health is concerned we both do. Of course I don't want details! God no! I just want to be as safe and clean as possible and I told him I wish he had told me before we started having sex. Wondering if I should continue "hanging out" with him. Link to post Share on other sites
heavyiron Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 One rule of thumb I follow with any FWB is it must be exclusive. I do not want to catch some kind of disease. Use your brain on this one. Is getting HIV/herpes worth the temporary fun you're having right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 No which is why I am rethinking the situation and I told him I wish he had told me before we had sex the first time. Yes I should have thought to ask. My gut tells me that your right, has to be exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I recently had my first real FWB involvement, and right away, right after the STD conversation, I brought up the idea of exclusivity. I just hinted at it, then he suggested we be sexually exclusive, and we agreed to it. I don't think I would have continued otherwise, solely due to STD concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 I recently had my first real FWB involvement, and right away, right after the STD conversation, I brought up the idea of exclusivity. I just hinted at it, then he suggested we be sexually exclusive, and we agreed to it. I don't think I would have continued otherwise, solely due to STD concerns. I guess that's the thing, we have just met up twice and the night ended up with sex. And talked about "hanging out" again but we never talked about if we were getting into a FWB relationship. After the second time I thought about asking him about other partners. His answer "Your not the only one I hang out with and sometimes I sleep with someone else too" Link to post Share on other sites
forrest Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Yes on the STDs if doing oral. Use a condom whether you are doing oral or not. Condoms also don't protect against all STDs. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I guess that's the thing, we have just met up twice and the night ended up with sex. And talked about "hanging out" again but we never talked about if we were getting into a FWB relationship. After the second time I thought about asking him about other partners. His answer "Your not the only one I hang out with and sometimes I sleep with someone else too" Look, here's some pretty strong and direct advice. Take it or leave it. It's pretty easy for a woman to get no-strings sex with at least an OK guy, and if you are smart about it, you have the upper hand in the situation. If this is what you want, make sure it's on your terms, the way you want it. Don't just keep falling into it without thinking it through. Respect yourself and your health and make sure you are being smart about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I told him my concern and he said "I don't feel obligated to report my sex life to you". I told him where my health is concerned we both do. Of course I don't want details! God no! I just want to be as safe and clean as possible and I told him I wish he had told me before we started having sex. Also, his response was very selfish. You weren't trying to put him in handcuffs -- you were looking out for your health. It's inconsiderate of him not to be respectful of that at all. When I asked my FWB about this, he understood completely and said he didn't want to put himself at risk, either. Your "friend" hasn't shown any concern for your sexual health or his own. That combined with the generally selfish attitude make him dump-worthy to me. I think you can do better -- even if we're just talking FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
heavyiron Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Also, his response was very selfish. You weren't trying to put him in handcuffs -- you were looking out for your health. It's inconsiderate of him not to be respectful of that at all. When I asked my FWB about this, he understood completely and said he didn't want to put himself at risk, either. Your "friend" hasn't shown any concern for your sexual health or his own. That combined with the generally selfish attitude make him dump-worthy to me. I think you can do better -- even if we're just talking FWB. Agree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 His attitude is all wrong, frankly. I wonder how many people the other woman is sleeping with, as well? If you want an exclusive FWB then that's what you should get, but I have the feeling this guy isn't going to give it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I would ask him to get tested for STDs and relay that information to you. Other than that, since you're using condoms, not sure what else you can do. I'm not sure whether knowing who else he's sleeping with would help you, it isn't specific enough. STD test results are specific. It sounds like, however, you prefer exclusivity even within an FWB arrangement. If that's the case, then maybe hanging out with him isn't what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Last night I told (emailed) him that I was fine hanging out with him, but my health and safety was more important. Will see what his response is. But no matter what it is I am not changing my mind. I am curious if anyone else has come across this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Also, his response was very selfish. You weren't trying to put him in handcuffs -- you were looking out for your health. It's inconsiderate of him not to be respectful of that at all. When I asked my FWB about this, he understood completely and said he didn't want to put himself at risk, either. Your "friend" hasn't shown any concern for your sexual health or his own. That combined with the generally selfish attitude make him dump-worthy to me. I think you can do better -- even if we're just talking FWB. I agree with you 100% Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 The thing is how can you trust he'll tell you the truth? If he knows you'll dump him if he's seeing others, he'll just lie and tell you what you need to hear. Isn't oral sex just as dangerous as having unprotected sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Jynxx Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I don't get it. You're friends with benefits but you can't sleep with other people? What's the point then? Just call it a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 You have every right to protect your health but other than that you can't demand exclusivity from a FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 You have every right to protect your health but other than that you can't demand exclusivity from a FWB. BS. You can do anything you want. How one person defines a casual sexual relationship does not have to agree with how I define it. My FWB and I agreed to be sexually exclusive for sexual health reasons. If both people agree to have a no-commitment, sex-only involvement with just one person, that's all that matters. I had no claim on the guy, and he understood he was free to do what he wanted. All I asked is that he let me know if he would be having sex with anyone else, so I could have all the facts. And he asked for the same from me. Relationships of any kind are what you make them. Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I don't see how you can demand exclusivity from someone you are JUST having sex with. Of course he's not going to tell you he had a one night stand because he's not going to give up regular sex for a romp here and there. What keeps 2 people loyal to each other are their feelings for one another. When you don't have that there are no rules. You're not worried about their well being on any level. Link to post Share on other sites
azsinglegal Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Yuck. Double-dipping is an STD waiting to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I told him my concern and he said "I don't feel obligated to report my sex life to you" The tone of that answer is very telling IMO. Do not expect accuracy or exclusivity. Think of the dynamic as multiple random ONS where the person is a stranger. In many ways, he is. His answer underscored that dynamic. Communication is helpful but not determinative. No one, even those who are LTR/M, knows for certain what their partners are doing. If someone has multiple partners (apparently he says he does), there's no way STD tests can keep up with that dynamic in a reasonable and safe way. Protect yourself, recognize the risks and enjoy the benefits. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Slightly amending my original response to ask: Is the problem, perhaps, that they are not actually FWB? FWB you usually do establish some sort of rules in the relationship. These people are just hooking up/hanging out. She actually said they haven't said they are FWB, which for many people is a more formal way of saying "we're f*cking but not dating, and yet, here are some rules." Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I don't see how you can demand exclusivity from someone you are JUST having sex with. She didn't demand anything. She just asked him if he has other partners. Then she thought about her options, and decided not to continue having sex with him. Of course he's not going to tell you he had a one night stand because he's not going to give up regular sex for a romp here and there. The same can be said of any married cheater. What keeps 2 people loyal to each other are their feelings for one another. When you don't have that there are no rules. You're not worried about their well being on any level. Not true. I was sexually loyal to my FWB because I wanted one quality partner I knew was clean and had a reasonable degree of trust with, and he wanted the same. I wasn't "worried" about his well being, but I did have the decency to be honest, and I asked the same of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 She didn't demand anything. She just asked him if he has other partners. Then she thought about her options, and decided not to continue having sex with him. Exactly, I just asked if he was having sex with anyone else for health reasons. I didn't demand anything or give altimatems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Slightly amending my original response to ask: Is the problem, perhaps, that they are not actually FWB? FWB you usually do establish some sort of rules in the relationship. These people are just hooking up/hanging out. She actually said they haven't said they are FWB, which for many people is a more formal way of saying "we're f*cking but not dating, and yet, here are some rules." I asked him what "hanging out" meant exactly (to him). He said "hanging out meant getting to know each other and seeing what happens". Though the next line was "I don't feel obligated to report my sex life to you, to be honest". I still take that as watching a movie and having sex ... I told him in the same email last night that when he had sex with me for the first time that he made our sexual health both of our business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 If the shaft of his penis taste like fish it simply means he forgot to shower. I suggest you end that silly arrangement. I already did, well I told him just don't know if he got the email yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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