FWB who has a second friend

[Sanman]

Lol, the problem with FWB is twofold in my opinion. The first is that one side is always more into the other person. It is almost never two people with no interest in dating each other. One is not interested and the other makes the compromise. This is where the emotional stuff gets messy.

 

The second problem is that there are really two types of men. The ones that are looking for a relationship and the ones who want sexual conquests. The former are going to need to sleep with any budding relationship and won't want to stop being FWB until they are in an exclusive relationship. No man is going to put the brakes on sex with someone he is dating because he promised his fwb that they are exclusive. The latter just wants as many sexual conquests as possible and will lie to get that anyway. The reality is that these relationships are about selfish needs being met, so people will choose to the route that benefits themselves before others. This includes lying to keep a good thing going.

[somedude81]

My first choice would be a real, committed, loving relationship. But since I can't seem to meet/find a guy who wants the same thing, is just playing a game and really a boy in a man's body I am frustrated myself.

Either you are not trying hard enough or your standards are too high.

 

Personally, I get annoyed with women who are settling with a FWB.

 

All they are doing is enabling players and taking themselves off the market from guys who actually want a relationship.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Either you are not trying hard enough or your standards are too high.

 

Personally, I get annoyed with women who are settling with a FWB.

 

All they are doing is enabling players and taking themselves off the market from guys who actually want a relationship.

 

I can't find a guy because my standards are too high or I'm not trying. Hmm why does it have to be a problem with me?

 

If someone is interested in me and at first I am not sure, I will always give them a chance to see what happens. Never know.

 

I can't find a normal honest guy who wants to date, wants a relationship and wants to see if there is anything between us. What I find are guys who lie and say they want a relationship and all they want is sex. Or the guy who wants an instant girlfriend. Like the last guy I was talking to, we had only been talking around a week, almost 2 and hadn't met yet and he starts asking me questions about "if we moved in together"! Where is the in between guy?

 

I don't have an patience for players. But I feel it's different if 2 people are honest and decided to have a sex only relationship. VS a guy lying and saying he wants a relationship and really trying to just have sex with you.

 

Why does being in a FWB relationship take you off the market? You can still date and get to know people and when you do find someone you want to get serious about you end your FWB relationship.

Edited July 29, 2011 by sweetbutcheeky

[Woggle]

Since when was the problem with relationships modern woman?

 

My first choice would be a real, committed, loving relationship. But since I can't seem to meet/find a guy who wants the same thing, is just playing a game and really a boy in a man's body I am frustrated myself.

 

So when this for a lack of a better word FWB situation came up I went with it cause I can't find a guy for a relationship (not this guy, in general) and just sex seemed like a second choice. I just didn't think about another she being in situation.

 

So if I still can't have my first choice, I told this guy it won't work if he has sex with other woman then what now?

 

How does someone find a FWB partner, someone your not interested in a relationship with, don't see as relationship material and can trust with your sexual safety - only have sex with each other?

 

Modern women are not the entire problem but are certainly a contributing factor. Men have their own issues as well but we have heard about what men are doing wrong ad nauseaum.

 

You can have a FWB but don't expect him to be exclusive. If you have no feeelings for him why do you even care?

[Ruby Slippers]

The reality is that these relationships are about selfish needs being met, so people will choose to the route that benefits themselves before others. This includes lying to keep a good thing going.

All relationships are about getting selfish needs met. People don't get married to be charitable. They get married because they want companionship, support, children, etc. -- for themselves.

 

If you have no feeelings for him why do you even care?

Because she doesn't want herpes, or worse.

 

My FWB arrangement was brief and not all I hoped it would be -- but I am confident he was honest with me about not having any other partners.

 

I have a friend who told me that she and her FWB would talk to each other about their dating adventures. They would cool it and not have sex if they wanted to give a prospect a real shot. Then if it didn't work out, they'd start having sex again. They never tried to interfere with the other person seeking out a relationship. They recognized it was temporary, and that they were not a good match for long term.

[Sanman]

All relationships are about getting selfish needs met. People don't get married to be charitable. They get married because they want companionship, support, children, etc. -- for themselves.

 

Well of course all relationships have a selfish component. However, in my ltr, I like to consider the other person and their feelings and needs. I do the same with my good friends. Unless the FWB happens to be a long standing friend, they get treated the same as an acquaintance. That is to say that they are there for my pleasure. If I am bored I may call them and go hang out or something. But do not call to to complain about your problems or as k me to help you move. I will lie and tell you I am busy. In the same way, most guys will lie to a fwb to ensure she sticks around until he is sure he needs to move on. Hell, he may even continue to see her if he is the cheating type.

[HeartOnSleeve]

I would defiantly not continue. My rule is don't sleep with guys that I know are sleeping with other women even if it's just a FWB deal or casual. If he wants to date around then maybe you guys shouldn't be FWB and just be F's.

 

Good luck. Must be frustrating!

[Ruby Slippers]

Well of course all relationships have a selfish component. However, in my ltr, I like to consider the other person and their feelings and needs. I do the same with my good friends. Unless the FWB happens to be a long standing friend, they get treated the same as an acquaintance.

Well, that's not the way my FWB and I did it. We considered each other's feelings and needs. I was totally straightforward about how I felt about him, what I needed/wanted from him, and what I was willing to give.

 

In the same way, most guys will lie to a fwb to ensure she sticks around until he is sure he needs to move on. Hell, he may even continue to see her if he is the cheating type.

I think a man who will lie to an FWB to get what he wants is also a man who will lie to his girlfriend or wife to get what he wants.

 

I think a lot of people don't like FWB situations because they are angry at the thought of people having great sex without all the baggage they have to sift through to get it.

[Sanman]

Well, that's not the way my FWB and I did it. We considered each other's feelings and needs. I was totally straightforward about how I felt about him, what I needed/wanted from him, and what I was willing to give.

 

 

I think a man who will lie to an FWB to get what he wants is also a man who will lie to his girlfriend or wife to get what he wants.

 

I think a lot of people don't like FWB situations because they are angry at the thought of people having great sex without all the baggage they have to sift through to get it.

 

 

Oh, I could care less about who has a FWB. I have a great relationship and don't jump through hoops to get it at the moment. However, telling someone that they are not good enough for a relationship and then telling them you want to have sex until you find someone you really like does not engender feelings of good faith. You forget that many of the guys out there that are honest and good (and sexually attractive enough for fwb) don't really need a fwb because women choose them for relationships unless they prefer bachelorhood and racking up numbers.

[carhill]

I got married to share myself. I wasn't socialized to use people. Probably a mistake, in retrospect, along with bad socialization. Back to living alone; swim with sharks and one can get their ass bit off. Enjoy the FWB.

[Sanman]

I got married to share myself. I wasn't socialized to use people. Probably a mistake, in retrospect, along with bad socialization. Back to living alone; swim with sharks and one can get their ass bit off. Enjoy the FWB.

 

 

You and your crazy ideas! The next thing you are going to tell me is that you believe in love.

[carhill]

Well, next time, if there is one, it'll be a bit beyond someone letting me love them; a bit more balanced. While not finding it healthy for myself, I do understand the psychology of FWB. My exW explained it to me and apparently was pretty accomplished herself.

[Ruby Slippers]

However, telling someone that they are not good enough for a relationship and then telling them you want to have sex until you find someone you really like does not engender feelings of good faith. You forget that many of the guys out there that are honest and good (and sexually attractive enough for fwb) don't really need a fwb because women choose them for relationships unless they prefer bachelorhood and racking up numbers.

I didn't tell this guy he wasn't good enough -- I told him there were certain things that made us incompatible for a relationship, which was true. And he agreed with me. He knew he had some barriers to a real relationship.

 

I asked him to have a sex and fun only relationship, and he agreed to it. He could have said no.

 

He could have looked for a girlfriend at any time, and if he had met someone he wanted to give it a go with, I would have wished him all the best and let him go in peace.

 

I got married to share myself. I wasn't socialized to use people.

I would argue that we are always using people. Even if your only goal was to "share yourself", you got certain benefits from that. Maybe you felt appreciated or needed, you enjoyed companionship, you felt validated as a person. Even someone who volunteers is getting something out of it -- a feeling of peace, a sense of connection, a new social network, a feeling that they are making a difference, whatever. A volunteer is using that experience to add something to his life.

 

Yes, I used this guy for sex and companionship, and I let him use me for the same. In a marriage, two partners are using each other for all that and much more, and they even have a business contract to seal the deal.

 

A woman is essentially using her husband as a sperm donor, provider, whatever, and a man is using his wife as a baby incubator, housekeeper, etc.

 

Do you think most wives would happily stay with a husband who simply stopped earning a living, or most husbands would stay with a wife who stopped having sex with him, taking care of the kids, etc.?

[carhill]

I'd rather die alone than adopt your (and my exW's) cold and callous way of looking at human relations. EOS.

[zengirl]

A woman is essentially using her husband as a sperm donor, provider, whatever, and a man is using his wife as a baby incubator, housekeeper, etc.

 

Do you think most wives would happily stay with a husband who simply stopped earning a living, or most husbands would stay with a wife who stopped having sex with him, taking care of the kids, etc.?

 

While I don't disagree that there can be a good kind of 'selfish' --- enlightened selfishness is something I consider necessary, which generally means doing things that make you happy longterm and serving your self-needs (i.e. nurturing a good relationship and sacrificing in order to get fulfillment from it, but not staying in an overly sacrificing relationship where there is no fulfillment), I do disagree that it's "using" people.

 

Using people makes them tools and not people. It means that instead of seeing your partner as the full picture of who they are as a human being, you see them as those individual parts you list. In love (and friendship and any sincere human relationship), people become more than the sum of their parts and the role that they play, and they become important for WHO they are, not WHAT they do or give you in any particular role. Which is not to say that I don't seek fulfillment and hope my partner will amplify it by providing me with love, laughter, great sex, a family, etc. It just means that it's not about "getting" those things; it's about creating them together.

 

People who say "everyone uses everyone" just have a very different world mindset and see relationships totally differently. I'm not sure what it is -- cynicism, nihilism, general negativity. But I don't see how it leads to happiness. That said, I don't think all FWB situations view it as using each other. Some do. But I've known people who were sincerely friends (friends already) and just happened to be moved to sleep together on occasion. Neither one is my bag, but I don't think all FWB situations are identical either. At any rate, the OP is in a bad situation. Health comes first.

[snug.bunny]

I don't understand the concept of "well I can't find a relationship, so I will settle for no strings attached sex". How about, "well, I don't want a relationship at this stage in my life, I just want sex :lmao:".

 

If you cut out that aspect of your life, yes, you're still "alone" but you aren't being used and you aren't using the other person.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd rather die alone than adopt your (and my exW's) cold and callous way of looking at human relations. EOS.

No one in the real world would call me cold and callous.

 

I adapted to this way of being because not being able to find a suitable partner was making me feel lonely, hopeless, and unhealthy. I'm at my sexual peak. My body is making demands of me that I can't ignore. Ideally, I'd be with a great, loving guy. But life isn't perfect, and that is not the case right now.

 

Though I have never understood or accepted it before, I now get why some guys turn to prostitutes to meet some very basic needs.

 

Human touch is a basic need, and according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, so is sex. Without them, our health and well-being suffer.

 

My FWB and I had both been single for quite a while, and just cuddling in bed was clearly rushing our bodies with all these feel-good chemicals that we needed. It's a matter of semantics to argue whether we were using each other for those feelings, or giving those feelings to each other. I am grateful for what he gave me, and I imagine he feels the same.

 

If people can't understand why two people who are struggling to find real love would turn to the next best thing to alleviate what can sometimes be a bitter loneliness and sadness, I think those people don't have much compassion.

[proactivedreamer]

Since when was the problem with relationships modern woman?

 

My first choice would be a real, committed, loving relationship. But since I can't seem to meet/find a guy who wants the same thing, is just playing a game...

 

Pffff...reading this thread has been exhausting. Everybody wants to point the finger at the opposite sex, but the truth of the matter is that everyone, as individuals, needs to simply do some self-reflection. loving relationships should bring out the best in us, not the worst in us. I think fwbs are just less stressful. I don't worry about the same things I would worry about in a relationship. I feel like there is no need for pretense, which I think is characteristic of some relationships. Some people feel like they have to put on a show for their partner. Sometimes we feel like we can't be ourselves. I was in love not long ago, but the ending came abruptly and jolted my reality; I don't want to feel like that ever again. The point is people need to commit to themselves before they commit to others. We all need to commit to personal growth and learning how to communicate in a compassionate way and look out for the needs of the other. Seems to me like there is too much concern about self, and what we all need is to find a healthy balance between selfishness and selflessness. Right now, fwb makes sense, and I feel like I don't have to put my heart on line in the same manner as I would in something more serious. I don't see what the problem is...

[somedude81]

I adapted to this way of being becausenot being able to find a suitable partner was making me feel lonely, hopeless, and unhealthy. I'm at my sexual peak. My body is making demands of me that I can't ignore. Ideally, I'd be with a great, loving guy. But life isn't perfect, and that is not the case right now.

 

Though I have never understood or accepted it before, I now get why some guys turn to prostitutes to meet some very basic needs.

 

Human touch is a basic need, and according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, so is sex. Without them, our health and well-being suffer.

 

My FWB and I had both been single for quite a while, and just cuddling in bed was clearly rushing our bodies with all these feel-good chemicals that we needed. It's a matter of semantics to argue whether we were using each other for those feelings, or giving those feelings to each other. I am grateful for what he gave me, and I imagine he feels the same.

 

If people can't understand why two people who are struggling to find real love would turn to the next best thing to alleviate what can sometimes be a bitter loneliness and sadness, I think those people don't have much compassion.

Wow. That's pretty much exactly how I felt for the past ten years.

 

I've had to turn to prostitutes on a couple occasions because there was no other alternative.

 

At least with a FWB you get some of those needs met. The closet thing I've been able to come to getting my intimacy needs met is being in friendzone situations with girls that I liked. I doubt I need to say how unfulfilling those are.

 

When it comes to the sex need, a hooker is the only way. And since it makes me feel so pathetic having to do that. I only do it on rare occasions. It's been a few of years for me since then. Yes, that meant no sex at all for a few years.

Edited July 29, 2011 by somedude81

[Ruby Slippers]

Wow. That's pretty much exactly how I felt for the past ten years.

 

I've had to turn to prostitutes on a couple occasions because there was no other alternative.

If nothing else, these experiences have taught me to be less judgmental and more compassionate.

 

We all want affection of some kind, and not being able to get it in the conventional ways does NOT mean you're not trying. I used to think that guys who turned to prostitutes were just lazy. Now I realize that is not always true. Some of those guys might even be working a lot harder than other guys who are in relationships, but they have factors working against them.

[ptp]

Wow. That's pretty much exactly how I felt for the past ten years.

 

I've had to turn to prostitutes on a couple occasions because there was no other alternative.

 

At least with a FWB you get some of those needs met. The closet thing I've been able to come to getting my intimacy needs met is being in friendzone situations with girls that I liked. I doubt I need to say how unfulfilling those are.

 

When it comes to the sex need, a hooker is the only way. And since it makes me feel so pathetic having to do that. I only do it on rare occasions. It's been a few of years for me since then. Yes, that meant no sex at all for a few years.

 

Were they attractive? Were they better than what you normally can get? For me to even consider it, the girl would have to be good looking better than what I am used to.

 

I have often thought about what it would be like but, I don't think I could get it up if I knew I was paying for sex. However, I do understand your frustration.

[Woggle]

I don't think that FWB relationships are disgusting but they usually tend to be a big clusterfunk of conflicting ideas. It's walking the tightrope between commitment and casual sex and usually somebody falls off on gets hurt. To me the idea of asking a casual sex partner to be exclusive is just absurd. If I can't give a commitment to a woman I feel I have no right to ask her not to sleep with other man and vice versa.

 

Yes relationships do have an element of selfishness but the longest lasting and happiest ones have an element of selflessness as well. When I look at couples who have been together a long time and are truly happy they would literally die for each other. Sadly this kind of devotion is becoming less and less.

[zengirl]

I don't think that FWB relationships are disgusting but they usually tend to be a big clusterfunk of conflicting ideas. It's walking the tightrope between commitment and casual sex and usually somebody falls off on gets hurt. To me the idea of asking a casual sex partner to be exclusive is just absurd. If I can't give a commitment to a woman I feel I have no right to ask her not to sleep with other man and vice versa.

 

Yes relationships do have an element of selfishness but the longest lasting and happiest ones have an element of selflessness as well. When I look at couples who have been together a long time and are truly happy they would literally die for each other. Sadly this kind of devotion is becoming less and less.

 

I think the idea is more total honesty than real exclusivity. Most people I know who have exclusive FWBs more have, "As long as we're hooking up, we're exclusive, but if you decide to date and/or hook up with someone else, you have to be honest about it which will likely sever the arrangement."

 

I don't understand how you could really trust a guy in a FWB to tell you that though, knowing he'd end his convenient situation, unless he was an actual friend who you knew was a good, honest guy.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't worry about the same things I would worry about in a relationship. I feel like there is no need for pretense, which I think is characteristic of some relationships. Some people feel like they have to put on a show for their partner. Sometimes we feel like we can't be ourselves.

You make an excellent point. Almost everybody plays roles in relationships. Playing a role is a form of dishonesty, and most people are doing it almost constantly. I have been guilty of it myself in the past. You behave with a little extra enthusiasm, smile more, laugh at every joke -- whatever you are expected to do as a "good girlfriend". And then there are things people do to be a "good husband", things they might even resent doing.

 

For me, it's incredibly freeing to just be myself, without playing any particular role. My FWB and I were VERY honest with each other about everything. Nothing we did was put on. I didn't have to play the girlfriend role, he didn't have to play the boyfriend role. We could just be ourselves. How refreshing.

[Woggle]

I think the idea is more total honesty than real exclusivity. Most people I know who have exclusive FWBs more have, "As long as we're hooking up, we're exclusive, but if you decide to date and/or hook up with someone else, you have to be honest about it which will likely sever the arrangement."

 

I don't understand how you could really trust a guy in a FWB to tell you that though, knowing he'd end his convenient situation, unless he was an actual friend who you knew was a good, honest guy.

 

I agree that honesty is best and that is why I never promised a woman exclusivity without being able to deliver it.