setback and revelation

[bikinibeach]

okay well, i am hormonal at the moment, but this week has been hard. i had a dream about him writing me a letter last night about how he can't cry anymore.

 

then i was tooling around on ls and came across this recent thread which could have been written by the "best friend" ex herself that i broke up with my ex over. it made me upset to read, almost to tears. ..what is WRONG with people these days??????????? :(

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=286903

 

anyway, i thought good and hard about it today... i feel like for a while there i had "hope" that his arguing emails DID show that he wanted to make change and reconcile. now i see it as his saying what i wanted to hear to try to get me to sleep with him again as now that his piddly insincere efforts failed, he has given up.

 

i was reading on baggagereclaim today about how we can have issues that shouldn't be so big (ie: i met an assclown i really like, he had an inappropriate relationship with his ex, i broke up with him over it, only lasted 5 months....shouldn't be the apocalypse!!), sometimes what is happening is the situation brings up feelings from the past and that's why the feelings are magnified many times over.

 

lightbulb.

 

i have HUGE emotional wounds about having others chosen over me. so many.

 

some of the strongest ones involved my single mother locking me out of the house whenever one of her boyfriends came over. i was so upset and i just had this tightness in my little chest that wouldn't go away while i waited.

 

i've had similar issues with my cousin (once were best friends, now estranged for a year because she put her horrible bar buddy ahead of me- long story), i had a father i only met once which was one christmas when i was 8 he came by, later that night got in a fight with my mom. on christmas day, the present i had taken my allowance and gone across town on the bus to get the perfect gift for him- it was gone. so was he....and all of the presents he had brought for me. i sat by the window for the whole day, trying to act like i was doing something else, but i was watching for him to maybe come back. guess how that ended.

 

i'm not here to say poor me or play the victim, these are facts that are helping me understand myself more. in a way, this whole thing was a true gift for me because now i am able to exorcise some demons that have been taking up emotional space for a very long time.

 

also, despite all the advice here (join a club, excercise, take up a hobby etc..) i have been coming home from work and staying holed up in my room, eating ice cream for breakfast, fast food for lunch and bags of microwave popcorn for dinner since this all started. so about a month and a half.

 

i am luckier than all hell for the metabolism i possess because i should be a whale right now.

 

i have been on some dates, even one last night (he was actually a personal trainer...lol) and it helps.

 

time to actually start taking some advice.

 

thoughts?

 

and has anyone stopped to wonder if their issues are deeper than their demon seed ex???

Edited July 28, 2011 by bikinibeach

[radiodarcy]

glad to know i'm not the only one who's emotions over her ex are heightened when she's hormonal. i feel like there's a spike in the angry/sad thoughts during that time of the month . but i guess that's normal.

 

i definitely think my past has come to influence the way i react to situations now. my parents are twice married and divorced from each other. their second marriage ended when mom cheated on dad with the guy who is now my stepfather. 6 years later dad married mom's best friend. lots of fighting and excessive drinking (on mom's side) ugly ugly stuff.

 

needless to say, this is why i've stayed single so long. i've been in and out of therapy for over 20 years so i pretty much have those issues sorted out.but the definitely crop up during times like this. it's not always easy to sort out the past from the present -- especially when what we've learned has been taught to us at a young age over a period of years. old habits can be hard to break.