Ex and I Back Together, but She Alternates Between Hot and Cold

[fishman3226]

Most confusing!!

 

What shall I do here guys?

 

My girlfriend who I was practically over started contacting me just before Easter - since then we have seen each other about 6 times (even staying over on 2 occasions.) She also has started working in the same building just after she contacted ME again. I thought that things were going great up until Saturday when she said that she was seriously contemplating me and her getting back together.

 

I was elated - happy even - I thought that things would start again.

 

24 hours later we are back to square one - 'respect my boundaries' and all this rot. INCREDIBLY frustrating.

 

OK, I know she suffers from depression (and is getting therapy) and it is obvious that she likes the love and support I give her, but man, this is hard!! I honestly want to wait for her and live thru this up and down, but man - how much can I take? I mean I am even nightmares of all this wierd stuff (like getting executed and stuff) and I think it is from all the stress and emotion from it all.

 

I have told her I love her and to be honest on Sunday she told me she has not discounted it all (the relationship.) She has also told me she loves me and (when she lowers her defences) she shows all the acceptance of love that I can give her. She loves it to be honest.

 

I have no clear understanding if this will end up with me and her getting back together but in reality I really dont have the option to move on - she is in my face!!

 

She tells me she will see me again in a couple of weeks so I know i dont have not think about how i wont see her again and she has not brought me and her up in therapy - so I dont think it is fully over at all. Hell, I will see her at work probably today so i am also in her face to an extent.

 

I am not gonna contact her for a bit and make her stew - the only thing i am going to do is wish her luck for her getting her wisdom teeth out and maybe one message saying 'hiya, thinking about you - drop me a line' maybe in a week.

 

I really want her back but it is hard. Any advice? Please anyone!!

 

 

 

 

I kind of think that I have no option but to wait cause

[katy_katt]

Seems like she's playing around with you. Whether she means it or not is a different story, but maybe she only wants you when she thinks that she can't have you? Was it her decision to work in the same building as you? If not, maybe she knew she was going to and thought it might be nice to contact you again before it happened so it wasn't so awkward.

 

I don't know how long you dated before this or how long it's been since you broke up, but it certainly doesn't sound like long enough for either of you to get over things properly. She's got other personal problems she needs to take care of before she's open to loving and being loved by anybody. Until then, it's probably going to be the same old games. If I were you, I'd tell her how I felt...exactly...and then tell her that you need some more time apart. Let her take care of her own issues before she brings them on to you.

 

Good luck!

[fishman3226]

Dont worry, I told her how I feel about her changes of mind and so on - she knows. Told her to stop playing with my heart and to act upon her feelings and that I dont believe her words - especially when they contradict how she is acting at that time.

 

We dated for 14 mnths and lived together for 12 months. Not a drop in the ocean. We also have been apart about 3 months now.

[mandrews1119]

Patience, fishman, lots of patience. That's what it is going to take right now. You sound like you are very serious, and that is good. Keep your head on tight, and be there to be supportive, but maintain your respect, your boundaries, (knowing that things could change suddenly), and try not to smother her. If all is positive, she will come to realize the support and respect you are showing, and the love. That is about all you can expect at this time. Take heart, it is more than a lot of us on this site receive. As always, best of everything.

[fishman3226]

I emailed her last night to say that i support her and that all my frustration is because I dont understand what she is going thru. I did nto whine 'oh come back' just told her I love her and that I am waiting for her, how it is my choice to do so and that she can come to me for love and support.

 

I get the impression from people I talk to and so on that she will ultimately realise - I get alot of messages like 'hell, man I dont know what to say' but that she will ultimately realise what is on offer.

 

Hell, I think of it this way - she would not have been in contact and she would not have started seeing me again if she did not feel something. Hell, this woman also left all her furniture here when she left - so many trails for her that would lead back to me.

 

Or maybe fanciful thinking....

[fishman3226]

I spoke to her just before and she has sounded like she has made a decision that is final - that we wont ever get back together. Still I wonder - only 72 hours have past. To be honest if I dont get back with her I could easily hate her forever nd a day - this is one of the hardest things I have ever been thru.

 

Annoying thing to is that in talking with her someone else walks up behind and instantly I am 'not there' she could not even look me in the eye. I knwo this is not over she did not say it is finally over nor has she said there is a chance. Her exact words were:

 

"you have to be prepared to move on as well (in relation to me waiting) cause I think it may not happen. You will be upset but you will move on and find other people."

 

If I have to do that I plan to cut her completely. I mean, I deserve better than this. I am not going to have my mind and heart played with forever and a day due to this woman. I am a better person than this.

 

I know I am in for a long wait and to be honest I think I have to not contact her at all for a while - like a month or something. Kind of hard though when we work in the same building though and when she knocks off she I am walking out the same door to goto lunch and so on.

 

She also wants me to remove her name from the lease so 'we can both move on' - what crap - but she is wanting to leave all her furniture behind for my usage until she wants it. I am so tempted to give up - but hell, on Saturday just gone she was saying she is seriously contemplating me and her getting back together (it is now Wednesday.)

 

I am scared of losijng her forever but the same message says 'contact you in three weeks' but I have heard that on a dozen occasions since we broke up and it only lasts maximum two weeks.

 

What can I do????? I am at the end of my tether to be honest!!!

[mandrews1119]

Fishman,

You have done everything someone in your position could be expected to. My advice would be to back off a bit, give YOURSELF some space and distance, and let things come together on their own a bit. Notice I didn't say give up, just ease up. When she realizes there has been a change in you, she will respond. Something is holding her from making a commitment to a second chance with you, and that issue (or those issues, if more than one) have to be dealt with first. Stay cool.

[fishman3226]

I sent her this today via an sms:

 

'i respect what you are doing to help yourself. before you make a decsion about us fix yourself first. understand i am waiting for you and love you. i offer love and support. when you are ready call me'

 

What more can I do?

[mandrews1119]

Hey Fishman,

That is about all you can do at this time. Maybe check in every now and then to see how it is going, but that's it. You won't be putting yourself through extra anguish that way. Best of everything.

[katy_katt]

Yes, and don't wait around for her to call, either.

[fishman3226]

I know this is the only thing I can do. Man this sucks. I honestly believe I am doing something noble for her. I have not had anymore contact from her since Wednesday night (and I do work in the same building) so it is both good and bad.

 

I cannto fathom how she can go rom one extreme of affection to another in such a short space of time. There must be some serious stuff going on inside her head to have such extremes of thought. I luckily have a female friend who confided in me her own battles with depression so I have some sort of insight into it all.

 

No one can tell me what she is thinking - it is all 'what if' and no one can tell me if it is going to worth the wait. Same token no one can tell me if what I think is right and if it could be worth the wait.

 

I know she felt happy and loved on Saturday. I hope to the Gods that she sits there and thinks about me. She will wont she?

 

I mean she is seeing a therapist so there is a good possibility she will have to think about me. She told me she had not brought it up before then.

 

I kind of think too maybe it was too much too soon. She might have just scared herself and thinks i willlet her down.

 

But same token I know I have done NOTHING wrong. All I am offering is some love and support with the prospect of me and her getting back together.

[lost_in_chgo]

hehe wednesday night.

 

yes she is thinking about you.

 

just wait her out.

with any luck you wont have to wait for months.

[pixiegrrl28]

She will realize what she is missing!

[fishman3226]

But I am doing a good thing though right? I mean I think it is noble and supportive.

 

I dont wanna think I am an idiot.

[pixiegrrl28]

Yes, I think you are doing the right thing. That's all you can do right now is be supportive and let her know that you are here for her if she needs you. I think it will show her how much you care and how much you love her.

[fishman3226]

I saw a counsellor today thru work (actually a clinical psychologist) who said for me to do the follow:

 

1. Look at what I can control whilst waiting for her

2. Look after my own wellbeing

3. Give it a timeframe (end of June initially for resumption of contact and Aug 13 (Olympics) for complatetion)

4. To NOT give her the love and support she wants as it is all or nothing. Relationship or friendship.

 

I am missing her to tears. I really want to hold her right now but I cant.

 

Wierd thing was that he has the view that as my ex has hd a bad life that maybe I am 'too good' in her eyes hence a danger as she expects things to perpetually be bad adn oddly if I was bad she would come back.

 

I hope her therapy shows the flaws there....

 

I want her back.

[pixiegrrl28]

I am sorry! I guess all you can do is wait and see what happens. My hope for you is that in time she will realize what a great person she is missing out on.

[fishman3226]

One seriously stuffed up and wierd situation. Oh well.

[pixiegrrl28]

It is not "oh well". It is sad and I really feel for you!! My boyfriend just broke up with me on Weds. because, he wants to figure out if I am the one for him. So, I know all about the crying and wanting the person back. That is why it is so, nice to know that I am not alone. Although, sometimes it feels like it.

[katy_katt]

Sadly, what the psychologist said is sometimes true. If ppl have grown up in bad situations or around bad people, they tend to seek out situations and people that aren't good for them because it's what they're used to. And if something is going well, often they feel odd because they're used to something being wrong. So then they go and make a good situation bad just so they can feel safe again. Crazy thinking, I know.

 

I know it's hard cause you miss her like hell but yeah, the best thing to do is just wait it out. Don't offer her love and support because I think it's what she wants but at the same time it's also driving her away. She knows it's there anyway.

 

I can tell you for sure, but I don't know if it's worth the wait. I had a bad life myself, I've been in therapy quite a few times and it's really hard to break out of the cycles you're used to being in for so long. It's possible that your relationship or something in your relationship brought some issues out in her and while she may be in therapy, she's not discussing your relationship, which kind of worries me since it was such a big part of her life. Anyway, she may seem fine for a while but it's hard to know for sure whether or not she'll slip back into the same thing before long. And your energy could be better spent on yourself rather than waiting and worrying about her.

 

Take care.

[fishman3226]

I am hoping I suppose she does bring up the relationship with her therapist. I will admit that when she gave me some clues as to her therapist was I had a look to try to understand what she was going thru. Out of curiousity.

 

And then I noticed the psychologist's email address and yeah I did email the shrink (I dont want to use that word) and told her how my ex has been acting. I did say 'yeah my motive is I want her back' this is what I sent:

 

Dear Dr. *******,

 

My name is A**** H******. Up until recently I was the partner of someone I believe is one of your patients, Ms. M***** P***.

 

I am emailing simply to say thank you for offering and helping M***** to get over and live with her problems.

 

She is a very beautiful person and I really wish to see her happy. I do deeply love this woman and hope no matter what happens between M***** and myself that she is happy in her life. I also lived with M***** from Jan 2003 until Feb 2004.

 

Yes I do have a motive of having M***** return to me. I don’t know if she has spoken of me or if you even know of me. I hope that she breaches her feelings of me and her with yourself because when she is with me she drops all her barriers (and tells me as such) and mentions feelings of ‘stability’ and ‘contentment’ and feeling ‘feminine.’ Her eyes and body language show a desire and comfort at being with me. She gives me intimacy (not sex) on regular occasions and confides in me.

 

I do deeply love this woman and hope she can find within herself an understanding of what she feels as opposed to thinks. I find it a frustrating situation to be in as not only it confuses my feelings but that also M*****’s feelings are clear to all and sundry yet she chooses to hide and deny them.

 

I wish to offer any help that I can to help M***** though I am aware that this is a task she must undertake. I am willing and prepared to offer her support and comfort and ultimately love at the time of her ‘healing.’

 

Obviously, I can understand patient confidentiality, so I will understand if nothing comes of this email.

 

I came across your name by clues given to me by M***** in talking with her. As can be understood due to sensitivities between M***** and myself, I wish that this email remains confidential. But I am prepared to discuss this information with you or if you require more information, I can be reached via reply to the email or via phone on **********.

 

I do believe that if M***** found out about this email she would be rather upset, so I would prefer if it was not mentioned directly.

 

Again, thank you for helping M*****.

 

Yours truly,

 

A**** H*******

 

I dont know what else I can do I mean I think that what I am tying to do here is say what is really heppeneing. Surely the therapy will help her in her relationships.

[fishman3226]

What would you guys say about what I am doing? I mean, this girl is obviouly unwell.

 

A friend of mine said about how this girl is obviously making me unhappy - And I luckily have a female friend who I get on with incredibly well who I could easily have a romantic partnership with - who pointed out that hanging with this other woman I seem alot more happier.

 

I am starting to have severe doubts about this ex and waiting for her. I would feel that I would be letting her down and also not giving a chance of me and her. I also think that no matter how much she does come back there is no guarantee that all this depression stuff will mean that I will ultimately be happy in my life always.

 

I do still love her and miss her, but it is becoming to much.

 

As I said to my friend, if her partner had cancer would she run away? Of course not!! Ok, it aint the same thing here, but still my ex is ill and needs some support. It aint easy but what can i do?

 

I do see a potential future for me and this woman I am seeing, but I can see in the future me wondering 'what if?'

 

I know that someone in all of this is going to get hurt. Damn.

[Dixiecron]

Fishman,

 

So who's going to get hurt, the one who has already knifed you in the gut, or the one who's treated you well and makes you happy (I won't get into the rebound discussion for brevity's sake).

 

You said: "I dont know what else I can do"

 

Maybe that's the answer for now. There is nothing left to do. Maybe it is all right to just sit down (in a literal and figurative sense) and let the world go by for a while. Nothing wrong with that. Just watch and enjoy it for all the beauty and sadness and sheer insanity. Sometimes the answer you're looking for doesn't come until you stop looking for it, then it just kind of floats right in...

 

My impression is that you worry about your obligations to others, which are important and not something to overlook, but what about your obligations to yourself? You've done everything you can think of to help others, but who's looking out for you?

 

There's always the question of "what if?". But does it matter?

[fishman3226]

Yeah you are right Dixiecron - completely right.

 

I am trying hard to look after me from now on. Why should I put my life on hold for anyone else especially someone so willing to knife me in the guts so readily.

 

Wierd I saw my ex at work (she works in my building - came there after she started contacting me again) and felt wierd. I then spent the evening with the other lass I have been seeing and felt amazing - cared for and looked after.

 

I am tempted to tell the ex about the new woman - out of vindictiveness? - and then see what happens. The new woman reckons she hears that and she will come a running.

 

Time is all I have and to be honest I love my ex and like this new woman - we are both on the rebound so we are taking it slow.

 

Alot of decisions to make.

[Dixiecron]

I don't see any point in telling the ex about the new woman. I can understand how it would feel good in the sense of getting a little revenge, but what's the point? Of course your ex will come running if she hears that, so she can try to keep you in limbo for a little longer so you can't move on with your life and ever have something with someone else. Like the line goes, "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either".