Goodbye Letter - Should I Send?

[Almond_Joy]

OK, so a guy broke up with me in March, but said we were still friends. He then proceeded to ignore any attempts I made to communicate with him over the next two months or so. By May I was so frustrated that I brought up the "elephant in the room" and asserted that we weren't really friends, at that point. He, in turn, said:

 

a) if that's how I feel then that's up to me,

b) he wishes me the best, and

c) bye. (literally...this was done through facebook messages)

 

Upon that response, my apology and a good amount of pleading from me for him to talk to me about what's going on ensued over the next 24 hours. He did not respond to any of those communications, then blocked me on Facebook two weeks later.

 

So.....I've been through the whole grieving process over the relationship, gleaned all the life lessons I think I can get from it, and finally feel at peace with everything, EXCEPT:

 

In my pleading (which, again, was within the 24 immediately after he said bye to me), I never explicitly told this guy how truly grateful I am for the experience I got from having him in my life when I did. This whole process - the amazingly blissful relationship, the drawn-out breakup, and now the refusal to communicate with me on his part - has been transformative for me, in a very constructive way. I have matured so much from all of this, and can objectively look back and say with assurance that he is a great person, just a really amazing individual that I have a lot of respect for.

 

I had been very angry, confused, and hurt for these past couple of months that he did not respond to my initial pleadings after the breakup, and the subsequent FB block, but I don't feel anything about it anymore, and I'm not searching for an explanation as to why he won't talk to me anymore.

 

I've been reading a lot of the threads on here. Many people advise no contact, under any circumstances. But I'm not sure if he knows that:

 

a) I really appreciate the experience we had of being together in what was a very loving relationship

 

b) That I bear him no ill will, blame, or negativity, and

 

c) That if he ever decides he wants to talk to me - whether that be the moment he gets the letter or 10 years from now - I'm willing to listen to whatever he feels he needs to talk to me about. If I was left feeling that things between us are unresolved for this long, I can only imagine the gray area he may have tucked this relationship into in his mind. I don't want him to think he cannot get clarification from me on anything he may want to revisit about our relationship or association, ever.

 

I want to do what I can to convey this information to him, but I don't want to bombard him or present it in a way that he may feel I have the expectation of him responding. I also want him to know that I am sincere, and thought long and hard about what I want to say to him. After all, I'm looking at this as the last impression of me I am leaving him with. I decided a handwritten letter, mailed to his address, would accomplish all of this.

 

I have no expectation that he will respond to the letter, and I haven't excessively harassed him - besides my initial pleadings right after he said bye, I sent him an email this weekend. That's the only other attempt I've made to contact him.

 

What do you all think about this move? I care a lot about what kind of impression I leave on people - I always have. If I don't imply that I'm expecting an answer, it can't do any harm right? Just want some outside perspective....

 

 

If you've read this all the way through, thanks!

[aussie_bloke]

I care a lot about what kind of impression I leave on people - I always have.

 

My opinion is you are better off not sending it, it will only give him the feeling of more power and the way he's been treating you he def. doesn't deserve it. Think of the final impression he has left on you with his attitude and the way he's treating you and think if he really deserves to know. You know...that's the main thing;)

 

I hope you're feeling better soon!

[Mack05]

I agree with Aussie Bloke. It was a great idea to write the letter, but please don't sent it. He has moved on with his life and you need to respect that fact. He already knows most of what you are going to tell him. If you send the letter you are giving him, your power back to him. You are kidding yourself right now. You are hoping he is going to read the letter and say to himself "wow I never knew that, maybe I made mistake". What is probably going to happen is either he will ignore it or say a quick thank you. This letter to you is a last gasp effort of keeping the emotional bond you have to him. The thing is he has broken all emotional ties with you.

 

The biggest mistake people on this site make (including me) is that we think our exe's have the same or a similar thought process that we do. They don't. What is going on in their heads is very different as to what is going on in ours.

 

You say have learnt and have inner peace. Prove it. Let him go, keep your new found pride and self dignity. You have almost let him go from your heart. Don't send this letter and have it impact your recovery. Wish him but only in your mind. It's time to leave him go fully and concentrate 100% on you..I see no good sending this letter..Closure and peace come from within. You have come so far. Look forward and complete the journey not backwards and make it more difficult..

Edited July 28, 2011 by Mack05

[radiodarcy]

you're situation sounds very much like mine. i wrote several e-mails to the ex towards the end; telling myself it was just my way of getting everything out and that would help give me the closure i needed to move on. all it did was keep me wired into him.

 

as much as i told myself that i was writing those letters for me and that i didn't care whether he responded or not - - deep down it did. and it did hurt when he he simply said "thank you" after i had poured my heart out to him.

 

if you truly do not expect a response from him then you wouldn't have an urge to send him anything at all. closure really does come from within. i'm not sure if sending him a letter is going to give you that as based on his responses to your previous attempts to contact him it doesn't sound like he's going to care. did he respond to the e-mail you sent him earlier this week?

 

if not, then why send him anything else? continue with your healing. if you want to write the letter. write it for yourself and don't bother sharing it with him. or you can also post it on the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread under "coping". this way you're getting it out to other people who can relate. it doesn't sound like your ex can or even wants to.

Edited July 28, 2011 by radiodarcy

[smudge21]

I did the whole goodbye letter thing, but it was when my ex and I were trying to be friends and I couldn't do it anymore, so I said goodbye - told her how much she meaned to me and then left. In that situation it worked for me. Your situation differs a lot as things have already moved on for him, telling him how important he was will not make you feel any better. In fact, I would take a guess you'll be even more upset when you get no response and then feel like contacting him to find out why.

 

Seriously think about what why you're doing this and what you hope to get out of it. Be honest with yourself. You're still healing now and if you send this and then start waiting for a response that never comes, you'll only be hurting more.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Listen: You and I are basically the same person. One thing I've said to myself and others for a long time is that I care about the impession I leave on people. And because of that, after things had ended on a down note at one point with my ex, I specifically went to see him again to spend one more day with him so we could be left with a "better memory". And we had a great time too, but the next day I felt so rattled that I went to see him *again*. He wsn't as enthused that time and I ended up sending him a bitter text message... then a week later I ran into him in person and got angry, and the whole thing basically exploded. The point is, I realized that "better memory" didn't even matter. All that mattered was that the dude dumped me and said he didnt love me, and there's no reason in the entire world why I should be contacting him again. And the same goes for you. Stop caring so much about your ex. I'm telling you that because I need to hear it too. Be apathetic, just like he is. He doesnt feel the need to clear the air with you, now does he? No, he doesn't. Just let it go... trust me.

[Almond_Joy]

Thanks everyone for the support and sound advice. I went to sleep right after I wrote the letter, and when I woke up this morning my urge to send it was gone. I guess it was one of those middle-of-the-night reflection urges.

 

I also felt super stupid after sending that email this weekend.....rather not put myself through that again. The letter's not going anywhere .

 

P.S. Hi DontWorry! lol how are you doing today?

Edited July 28, 2011 by Almond_Joy

[aussie_bloke]

when I woke up this morning my urge to send it was gone.

 

Well done you're going to be fine

[radiodarcy]

Thanks everyone for the support and sound advice. I went to sleep right after I wrote the letter, and when I woke up this morning my urge to send it was gone. I guess it was one of those middle-of-the-night reflection urges.

 

I also felt super stupid after sending that email this weekend.....rather not put myself through that again. The letter's not going anywhere .

 

P.S. Hi DontWorry! lol how are you doing today?

 

good call!

 

yeah - - i find the "sleep on it test" works wonders in cases like this.

 

i was feeling super cranky the other day; thinking about the ex and how he treated me. i was so tempted to send him a quick text telling him what a jerk he is. but i forced myself to sleep on it. good thing.

 

when i woke up the next morning the urge had completely evaporated.

[babyygirllhi]

Do not send a letter!! You leaving him alone is saying WAY more than any letter can say. It shows that you have moved on. He hasnt been nice to you anyway. Trust me, he will be bothered by the letter no matter how kind it is, since he has already tried to ignore you. LET IT BE. Just my advice from experience;) We all go through it, begging and pleading hehe But let it be.