Are you serious? Really?

[StoneCold]

The scope/size of the lie/deception.

 

No one is shattered by the "I lied about not gassing up the car the other night".

 

But they typically are shattered by the "I promised to be faithful and true to you, but I wasn't".

 

It doesn't take some form of incredible perception to see this.

 

Have you considered that you don't "get it" because you don't want to "get it"?.

 

Owl... people tell lies.... some are harmless..others not so much. It depends on the players involved and the circumstances surrounding it...

 

Some may be shattered by being cheated on....some may not (I know that may be hard for you to beleive but its true)....as I said above...it depends

 

which also leads us to...

 

Our perception is most often colored by our own minds. You don't see the same things that others see because you choose to see them differently than others do. Everyone witnessed the same event...but INTERPRETED it differently in their own minds.

 

You're right... our perception is to a certain degree subjective. Thats people...thats Me, You and everyone else here.

 

So this all really boils down to a matter of opinion yet we have fanatical BSers waving their fingers preaching their "moral greatness and superiority"

[silktricks]

So this all really boils down to a matter of opinion yet we have fanatical BSers waving their fingers preaching their "moral greatness and superiority"

 

I dunno, it seems to me that the most fanatical also claim to have never been a BS. Regardless, fanaticism in any form is not healthy, IMO.

 

And, as you say, most things in this life can devolve down to a matter of opinion or beliefs (of course, most "believers" (of any form) also don't think their beliefs are opinion... ). None of us have any superiority over any other based solely on our beliefs, though I must admit that my beliefs are more comfortable to me, than are the beliefs of many others...

[StoneCold]

Have you considered that you don't "get it" because you don't want to "get it"?

.

 

Have you considered that perhaps Wheelright doesnt "get it" (as it pertains to your perception) because she just has a difference of opinion?

[donnamaybe]

I dunno, it seems to me that the most fanatical also claim to have never been a BS. Regardless, fanaticism in any form is not healthy, IMO.

 

And, as you say, most things in this life can devolve down to a matter of opinion or beliefs (of course, most "believers" (of any form) also don't think their beliefs are opinion... ). None of us have any superiority over any other based solely on our beliefs, though I must admit that my beliefs are more comfortable to me, than are the beliefs of many others...

Are you saying that when you were cheated on you were hurt primarily because of your ego like WW said?

[StoneCold]

I dunno, it seems to me that the most fanatical also claim to have never been a BS.

 

 

You lost me on this line

[silktricks]

Are you saying that when you were cheated on you were hurt primarily because of your ego like WW said?

 

Nope. I'm saying that different people have different perceptions and different belief systems and different methods of dealing with things and different life experiences and different - well, pretty much everything.

 

Do I think it's possible that some people feel hurt it's just because of their ego? Certainly, a lot of things are possible. Did ego have a place in the pain I felt? Sure, it probably did. Do I think it was the sole or even major place? No, that wasn't it for me. Most of my pain came from a different source - but that's me, and I don't pretend to assume that everyone is like me.

 

However, it still holds that I think fanaticism in any form is not healthy - which was where my last post was really coming from.

[silktricks]

You lost me on this line

 

It seems that at least many of the people who seem to be unrelenting - shall I call them "pests" on here - say that they've never been betrayed - but they certainly have the solution for everyone else...

[donnamaybe]

I see fanaticism toward the notion that lying and cheating is A-okay. I don't hear anyone spouting off about that.

 

I'm sorry, but lying and sneaking around behind the back of your spouse with a bent toward selfish, self serving, self gratifying behavior while causing possible injury to the family and sh-tting on the promises made to your partner is never right IMO. Never. If life at home is SO bad that you just don't care anymore, leave. Let your spouse have a life as well. They could be out livin' it up, screwin' random people too if only they knew the promise was already broken.

[sally4sara]

It seems that at least many of the people who seem to be unrelenting - shall I call them "pests" on here - say that they've never been betrayed - but they certainly have the solution for everyone else...

 

My ex husband cheated. A few times. But by that point the rest of the relationship was so effef up with his drinking that i kinda hoped he would get with one of them perm.

[silktricks]

My ex husband cheated. A few times. But by that point the rest of the relationship was so effef up with his drinking that i kinda hoped he would get with one of them perm.

 

I don't consider you a pest and wasn't thinking of you...

[silktricks]

I see fanaticism toward the notion that lying and cheating is A-okay. I don't hear anyone spouting off about that.

possibly I wasn't clear. I see fanaticism in ANY form as a problem.

 

I'm sorry, but lying and sneaking around behind the back of your spouse with a bent toward selfish, self serving, self gratifying behavior while causing possible injury to the family and sh-tting on the promises made to your partner is never right IMO. Never. If life at home is SO bad that you just don't care anymore, leave. Let your spouse have a life as well. They could be out livin' it up, screwin' random people too if only they knew the promise was already broken.

And I do not disagree with you. I'm only saying that you and I are not everyone. (though I've got to say that I wouldn't be out screwing random people regardless, as that's just not me ).

[donnamaybe]

possibly I wasn't clear. I see fanaticism in ANY form as a problem.

That isn't apparent to me.

 

 

And I do not disagree with you. I'm only saying that you and I are not everyone. (though I've got to say that I wouldn't be out screwing random people regardless, as that's just not me ).

Well, it's not me either, but it is most definetly SOME people's MO.

[Owl]

Owl... people tell lies.... some are harmless..others not so much. It depends on the players involved and the circumstances surrounding it...

 

Some may be shattered by being cheated on....some may not (I know that may be hard for you to beleive but its true)....as I said above...it depends

 

which also leads us to...

 

Nope. I absolutely believe that there are people that would not be bothered by learning that their spouse is cheating on them.

 

They may have agreed upon an open relationship at the outset of the marriage.

 

They may simply not care.

 

They may have so little emotional investment in the relationship that it's irrelevent.

 

They may be cheating themselves.

 

There could also be a host of reasons I'm not even mentioning.

 

I get that not everyone is "devestated" by infidelity. But I'll also point out that most are. I've been under the definite impression that at least initially, WW's husband was. I most certainly was, as were the majority of former BS posters that are here were.

 

You're right... our perception is to a certain degree subjective. Thats people...thats Me, You and everyone else here.

 

So this all really boils down to a matter of opinion yet we have fanatical BSers waving their fingers preaching their "moral greatness and superiority"

 

I don't know if you include me as one of those "fanatical BS'ers"...nor am I overly concerned about being labled as one or not.

 

The real "bottom line" for anyone is their own, specific situation. And how THEY PERSONALLY feel about the situation, as well as how the other people directly impacted by their own situation feel as a result.

 

I'm not "morally superior" to anyone. But I will point out that I don't have a lot of respect for someone who uses lies and deceit as a method for "coping" with their marital situation. Especially when it comes to a subject such as this where it's VERY LIKELY to emotionally devestate someone that they otherwise claim to love.

[Owl]

Have you considered that perhaps Wheelright doesnt "get it" (as it pertains to your perception) because she just has a difference of opinion?

 

Yes, that's actually abundantly clear to me.

 

What's most important though isn't that her opinion "differs" from mine. What's most important is whether or not her opinion "differs" from that of the man she married...how both HER and HIM feel on that difference of opinion.

 

I get that mine is irrelevent to her. Hers is irrelevent to mine.

[silktricks]

That isn't apparent to me.

 

 

 

Do you mean that it isn't apparent that I see fanaticism as a problem, or do you mean that it isn't apparent to you that fanaticism is a problem?

[donnamaybe]

Do you mean that it isn't apparent that I see fanaticism as a problem, or do you mean that it isn't apparent to you that fanaticism is a problem?

It appears selective.

[silktricks]

It appears selective.

 

Do you mean that sometimes you feel fanaticism is OK and sometimes not? :confused:I'm still confused with what you are saying. Please elucidate.

[donnamaybe]

Do you mean that sometimes you feel fanaticism is OK and sometimes not? :confused:I'm still confused with what you are saying. Please elucidate.

No. Your outrage at fanatacism seems selective.

[silktricks]

No. Your outrage at fanatacism seems selective.

 

It's not outrage - I think it's not healthy and is a problem. But please explain how it is selective.

[John Michael Kane]

It's not outrage - I think it's not healthy and is a problem. But please explain how it is selective.

 

Because that's only your opinion.

[donnamaybe]

It's not outrage - I think it's not healthy and is a problem. But please explain how it is selective.

I think we all know what the word "selective" means. At least I hope we do.

[wheelwright]

 

And I keep answering the bolded question, not for anyone else - just how I feel about the matter. For you, I'll answer it again. What makes infidelity deceit so much worse than the rest is you looked into that person's eyes, told them you loved and respected them, accepted their love and trust, and agreed to be a partner. What good is a partner that doesn't treat you like a partner when you never had to be partners with them in the first place? If they can't doing it then they don't have to sign up for it let alone sign up for it with you (again the universal you).

 

For me, I looked and I told H I did not love him. I don't think than makes me better than those that lie.

[John Michael Kane]

For me, I looked and I told H I did not love him. I don't think than makes me better that those that lie.

 

Doesn't matter when you told him those words, it doesn't lessen what happened.

[PatFinkle]

If she cheated on her husband, then obviously, she was lying to him while she cheated on him.

 

So why would she imply that she didn't lie to him ("I'm no better than those who lie"), just because she truthfully told him she didn't love him? Being truthful about not loving your husband doesn't give you license to lie to him about your extra-curricular sexual activities while cheating on him.

[wheelwright]

Doesn't matter when you told him those words, it doesn't lessen what happened.

 

True. I could have told him when I had the feelings before I acted on them. And he'd have been devastated. But his ego would have been more in tact. I should have played it to care for his ego.