Am I in the wrong here?

[Thehusband2]

Ok, so here is the story - i will keep it short

 

My wife and I had an issue yesterday that just exploded.

 

Background - married 7 years 2 kids under 5. She recently left office job to stay at home with them, but has since taken on some extra kids as a sort of daycare. This was really good at the beginning and we needed the money as the finances are really tight (they have been tight and are now more so after she quite that office job) and she knows this.

 

Yesterday I come home our daughter had hit her head but was fine when I came in and my wife out of no where said that she is longer going to care for those kids effective immediately!

 

This was shocking to me because 1) we need the money to actually put food on table, 2) there was no discussion about how she feels (i.e. she says taking care of all those kids (we are not talking about our own kids here) is stressful and that she feels that she is unable to care for our kids properly) 3) finally no notice or warning.

 

This upset me because we need the money, if we planned this we could have made some cuts in the beginning of july or if she mentioned that she will stop caring for these kids at the end of august then we could adjust for this.

 

I know she is tired and I support this i told her but just not in this way, not without planning or discussion.

 

I felt like this was a slap in the face a bit because i am in charge of the funds and do all the planning and somewthing like this i felt should have been discussed together.

 

During the conversation i acknowledge how tough this is on both her and the kids - but still i told her this is not the way to go about it.

 

What do people think? am i in the wrong here? I felt i wasn't at all and all this could have been discussed. Am i wrong to think that we should be thinking of the big picture which includes the best for the kids and whats financially sound for the family???

[The Blue Knight]

You're not wrong. Major financial discussions need to be resolved with both people giving and taking. If she's overwhelmed then work on another plan but don't just cash it in until you have another source of income.

[Eddie Edirol]

You might want to try babysitting all the kids she was babysitting to see how stressful it is. Kids will drive you absolutely nuts, especially when you cant discipline them for real. Its probably better for her sanity that she quit that gig when she did so she didnt start taking it out on you. Now that youre in financial crisis, you two can start looking at job alternatives together. But why would she quit such a lucrative office job?

[Afishwithabike]

I think you're not understanding what it's like for her. I have an office job where I interact with adults who know their roles and responsibilities. They're civilized. They don't climb on furniture, spill things, yell, etc. I actually prefer an office job to watching small children all day long. Watching several very young children is incredibly stressful. I know from personal experience with my nieces and nephews and with my own child. They're so energetic and constantly on the go. And if it's someone else's child, you really have to be extra careful with them for liability reasons. I can see why your wife would be tired of the daycare job. Her decision to stop watching the other children was probably a snap reaction to all the stress. Sounds like she's burned out from the work. Give her some time to cool off. When she's in a better mood, approach the topic again. Could she reduce the number of children she watches? Change the hours? Isn't there something else she could do other than watch the kids?

[KathyM]

Ok, so here is the story - i will keep it short

 

My wife and I had an issue yesterday that just exploded.

 

Background - married 7 years 2 kids under 5. She recently left office job to stay at home with them, but has since taken on some extra kids as a sort of daycare. This was really good at the beginning and we needed the money as the finances are really tight (they have been tight and are now more so after she quite that office job) and she knows this.

 

Yesterday I come home our daughter had hit her head but was fine when I came in and my wife out of no where said that she is longer going to care for those kids effective immediately!

 

This was shocking to me because 1) we need the money to actually put food on table, 2) there was no discussion about how she feels (i.e. she says taking care of all those kids (we are not talking about our own kids here) is stressful and that she feels that she is unable to care for our kids properly) 3) finally no notice or warning.

 

This upset me because we need the money, if we planned this we could have made some cuts in the beginning of july or if she mentioned that she will stop caring for these kids at the end of august then we could adjust for this.

 

I know she is tired and I support this i told her but just not in this way, not without planning or discussion.

 

I felt like this was a slap in the face a bit because i am in charge of the funds and do all the planning and somewthing like this i felt should have been discussed together.

 

During the conversation i acknowledge how tough this is on both her and the kids - but still i told her this is not the way to go about it.

 

What do people think? am i in the wrong here? I felt i wasn't at all and all this could have been discussed. Am i wrong to think that we should be thinking of the big picture which includes the best for the kids and whats financially sound for the family???

What's best for your kids that are so young is that they have their mother at home with them without having to compete with day care kids for her attention. Running a daycare is extremely exhausting, and it is understandable that she wants out. I know this puts a strain on your finances, but it would be best for the kids if their mother stayed home with them at this young age without the daycare kids there. I'd suggest trying to make the budget work with just your income if at all possible. That may mean giving up the nicer cars, the bigger house, the trips, all the non-basic expenses that could be sacrificed. If that is not doable, then the alternative would be to have your wife take an evening job after you get home, so the kids are taken care of by you, and your wife would be able to bring in some money with an evening job. Lowering your lifestyle so the wife can stay home with the young kids would be best. Don't get upset over the quitting of the daycare job. It's too tough on your wife and kids, and they shouldn't have to continue with it.

[reboot]

Neither of you is "in the wrong". You're worried about making ends meet. Understandable. She's worried properly taking care of her own children (and likely her own sanity). Also understandable. Put your heads together. Refuse to let this drive a wedge between you. If both of you are putting your family unit first, there's nothing you can't find a way to deal with.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with the other posters that she probably said she was going to quit the daycare gig as a snap reaction to the stress. She probably just wasn't thinking about the finances at the moment-or anything else other then frustration.

 

That being said, I do think a discussion needs to take place. HOWEVER, you need to approach it from a different angle. Making the entire discussion about finances and the need for the money is not going to go over well with her. You need to empathize with her and be understanding about the fact that she is stressed out. THEN come up with alternatives so that you can still be financially sound and she can be less stressed out.

[Thehusband2]

thanks everyone! I agree that it is not good for her sanity or for the kids long term. I just wish she came and talked to me and said that she feels she doesnt want to do this and perhaps doing some planning together. I agree it was a snap decision and she decided in the end to do it til the end of august and then think of something else. That will give us time to be essentially cheaper throughout the month and avoid larger purchases to save for september.

 

someone said that i should try being home with kids. well...I have quite often stayed home and know it is tough ESPECIALLY with children that are not your own. That was never my issue but rather the sudden nature of this decision with no discussion.

 

Thanks for the suggestion about emapthy and not approachiong the scenario entirely about money!!

 

BTW she left office job to stay home with kids and when she started this gig with her friend she felt it was ideal cause she would be with her kids while earning income!!

 

thanks everyone!

[Eddie Edirol]

She might have made the snap decision without discussing it with you because she was trying to keep it together till september. She probably didnt want to quit, but she reached a boiling point, and didnt want to worry you by bringing it up.