Why does a Single OP knowing chose a MP?

[ashvllgrl]

Respectfully,

 

There are many OP's on this site who strike me as thoughtful intelligent people. But there is one thing I really don't understand.

 

Why do you chose to be with a person who is already married?

 

Now to all of you who did not know the person you were falling for was married or only found out after you were deep into. I am sorry that is a really sh**tty place to be and just wrong.

 

But for those of you who KNEW up front the OP was married, why did you chose to enter into a sexual or romantic relationship with them?

 

I just don't get it? And respectfully, I really want to know what were you thinking, what was your mindset? Why would a unavailable person be your choice?

 

I understand why my WH had his affair - multiple life tragedies that he was at the time too weak to handle, the short affair was an escape - he has since been working on and succeeding in creating greater strength in himself.

 

But his affair partner, she knew from the first time she met him he was married, he reminded her he was married and missing his wife the first night they got emotionally involved (I was deployed). Yet she still chose to invite him home to her bed and than proceed to create a relationship sending letters about how there was such a connection between them. Even when he told her it was over that he wanted to reconnect with his wife who was returning she proposed they remain lovers.

 

Now this woman is a single, successful, intelligent, athletic, attractive woman in her early 40's? Why would she behave this way? Why would she not chose to be available to someone who was single?

 

By the way I KNOW from her own letters that she definitely knew he was married when they met - because she talks about it and me in every letter.

 

And for those of you who might ask why I stayed with a cheating husband - I would not have if I had not seen the effort he has made to fix what was broken in himself. I am confident he is now a stronger person fit to be a partner.

 

Again, I am sorry for everyone who is on here hurting. But for those of you who are willing to help me understand I would appreciate your reply.

 

PS to those who followed my email about the OP letters, I decided to burn them.

[browndog319]

Great question and thank you for asking it as thoughtfully as you did and I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did, especially after serving our country.

 

Why did I? Honestly, it was as if there was something bigger than me and MM pushing us together. We met at a meeting and hit it off immediately. We grew closer and closer throughout the meeting - I had to present to 450 people and he was blown away by my presentation and I worked with his team one on one. I loved watching him with his team. We had a chemistry like I never have had with anyone. On our last night we went for it and it was supposed to be one night.

 

However, he kept pursuing me after we went home. And we were able to find ways and reasons to see each other. We fell deeply in love and our conversations were amazing.

 

He pursued me 100%. He never said he was going to leave his family. Whenever I complained about being his second choice, he would say, "No, you're my RECENT choice." I began to believe that true love would triumph over all of the pain and everyone would understand when they saw how we belonged together.

 

So it hasn't happened like that. LOL. I believed we were different. I think he did, too. I think he still does, to be honest. If it's ANY consolation, the OW is hurting a lot, too, and we don't (most of us) take it lightly. I was respectful of his real life, never wanted to hurt anyone. I just knew how WE felt. It was never how I felt, it was how WE felt. I am devastated right now. I deserve what I get.

[Summer Breeze]

Respectfully,

 

There are many OP's on this site who strike me as thoughtful intelligent people. But there is one thing I really don't understand.

 

Why do you chose to be with a person who is already married?

 

Now to all of you who did not know the person you were falling for was married or only found out after you were deep into. I am sorry that is a really sh**tty place to be and just wrong.

 

But for those of you who KNEW up front the OP was married, why did you chose to enter into a sexual or romantic relationship with them?

 

I just don't get it? And respectfully, I really want to know what were you thinking, what was your mindset? Why would a unavailable person be your choice?

 

I understand why my WH had his affair - multiple life tragedies that he was at the time too weak to handle, the short affair was an escape - he has since been working on and succeeding in creating greater strength in himself.

 

But his affair partner, she knew from the first time she met him he was married, he reminded her he was married and missing his wife the first night they got emotionally involved (I was deployed). Yet she still chose to invite him home to her bed and than proceed to create a relationship sending letters about how there was such a connection between them. Even when he told her it was over that he wanted to reconnect with his wife who was returning she proposed they remain lovers.

 

Now this woman is a single, successful, intelligent, athletic, attractive woman in her early 40's? Why would she behave this way? Why would she not chose to be available to someone who was single?

 

By the way I KNOW from her own letters that she definitely knew he was married when they met - because she talks about it and me in every letter.

 

And for those of you who might ask why I stayed with a cheating husband - I would not have if I had not seen the effort he has made to fix what was broken in himself. I am confident he is now a stronger person fit to be a partner.

 

Again, I am sorry for everyone who is on here hurting. But for those of you who are willing to help me understand I would appreciate your reply.

 

PS to those who followed my email about the OP letters, I decided to burn them.

 

I knew him for quite a while. We had mutual friends and it developed. I knew he was M and one of our mutual friends was one of my best friends and a close relative of his. In conversations with my friend she mentioned his family and the situation. She never broke confidences from he or his W but by the time he and I were to the beginnings of even speaking more than a cursory 'hello' I had heard a little about the situation. I didn't think much about it. I was almost 50, had been a BS and never been tempted by a MM before. There were a few things that put us in a position that we interacted and there was a huge attraction. Neither acted on it until quite a while later there was another situation we were put together. At that point he gave me his cell number and said if I wanted to call he'd like that. He reminded me he was M and knew I wouldn't. I didn't. We ended up at a business function-our fields are miles apart and it was like 6 degrees of separation trying to figure how we both ended up there. We talked and I suggested a coffee. I was basically setting him up to lie to me and play the 'poor me' card. He didn't. He answered my questions clearly and everything matched with what I'd observed and heard.

 

I can honestly say that I had never felt closer to another person as I did him. We didn't speak or have any contact for a few months. He called and said he'd like to have a coffee but if I had decided not to that was fine and he wished me well. I took a girlfriend with me thinking it would scare him off and it didn't. We all sat and talked and laughed.

 

I started falling for him quite early on but it was a matter of finding out what was what and seeing whay he'd say and do if I made him uncomfortable. I was probably looking to have things on my terms and he was fine with everything. I knew I wouldn't have 'forever' with him but I still love him to this day and I wouldn't change a bit of it.

 

OP, not to cast aspersions on your Hs version of events but the story you've conveyed sounds like he's minimized her and what their R may have been. Have you seen emails or letters where he's rejected her advances? It just all sounds a whole like he's painting himself as the victim for you. He was weak? Again it sounds like the victim card. I know it may well be the case but just don't take it at face value.

 

You're still with him because you love him and you see something there to save. Just make sure you both are looking to save it for the same reasons.

[Kismetly]

Respectfully,

 

There are many OP's on this site who strike me as thoughtful intelligent people. But there is one thing I really don't understand.

 

Why do you chose to be with a person who is already married?

 

But for those of you who KNEW up front the OP was married, why did you chose to enter into a sexual or romantic relationship with them?

 

I just don't get it? And respectfully, I really want to know what were you thinking, what was your mindset? Why would a unavailable person be your choice?

 

Because you let yourself believe in a fantasy. You believe the tripe they feed you about their partner neglecting them. You're not looking to have a "forever" relationship ... it works when it's easy and casual ... then you fall in love. Or you let yourself believe your dependence on the man is love ....

 

Let's face it - you're not thinking. You are behaving in a completely narcissistic and masochistic way. You're probably repeating old patterns learned by your parents or other significant role models. You're a screwed up individual and you're indulging in a very unhealthy dynamic.

 

 

But his affair partner, she knew from the first time she met him he was married, he reminded her he was married and missing his wife the first night they got emotionally involved (I was deployed). Yet she still chose to invite him home to her bed and than proceed to create a relationship sending letters about how there was such a connection between them. Even when he told her it was over that he wanted to reconnect with his wife who was returning she proposed they remain lovers.

 

Now this woman is a single, successful, intelligent, athletic, attractive woman in her early 40's? Why would she behave this way? Why would she not chose to be available to someone who was single?

 

By the way I KNOW from her own letters that she definitely knew he was married when they met - because she talks about it and me in every letter.

 

IDK. that's just strange. Obviously a pretty screwed up woman. You could almost guarantee that she had an abusive or absent father, that manifests in whatever she's getting from trying to lure a man away from a partner who he loves. Messed up. She needs help. Or - he lied to her/you about how dissatisfied he was in his marriage and she bought it .... men don't always tell the truth about their affairs.

 

And for those of you who might ask why I stayed with a cheating husband - I would not have if I had not seen the effort he has made to fix what was broken in himself. I am confident he is now a stronger person fit to be a partner.

 

Again, I am sorry for everyone who is on here hurting. But for those of you who are willing to help me understand I would appreciate your reply.

 

PS to those who followed my email about the OP letters, I decided to burn them.

 

Best wishes to you. Good move on the letters.

[frenchiefun]

My MM was the instigator of our affair. I knew he was married but it didn't worry me and still doesn't.

 

We had a very strong physical attraction to each other that is still there now, years later, and we both have very strong feelings for each other.

 

I entered the affair with the full knowledge that it would never lead to a more permanent relationship, and I was happy with that, and still am, as I'm not looking for anything more.

[So Very Confused]

I was married to an abusive alcoholic who basically ignored me unless he needed someone to blame for his anguish. He had convinced me I was unattractive and useless. We hadn't had sex in forever and when we did, I was the initiator and he acted like it was something he had to endure.

 

Fast forward to when we separated: I was lonely and felt terrible about myself. I was desperate for something, anything to make me feel just a little bit better even if it was an unhealthy choice and I was very needy for some affection. I decided that finding a FWB would at least take care of my physical needs so that I could hopefully focus my attention on getting the rest of my life in order.

 

I met him on a dating sight. His profile said he was also separated. I thought a fellow separated person was ideal because we would be in similar situations (in limbo, not single, not married) and that he would be more discrete than a single man. We exchanged pictures and a few emails and decided to meet for lunch. Then he told me he was married but that he had been miserable for a long time and was planning to leave when his youngest was older. He was cute. He was well mannered. He was interested in me. His wife lived in another city so the risk seemed small. He had a good job. He's smart.

 

I thought that since it was just a FWB situation to tide me over until my divorce was final that his marital status didn't matter. I justified it to myself by thinking that I would never take him away from his family (and I wouldn't - I don't want him forever) and that if he wasn't seeing me, he'd be seeing someone who might be a threat to his marriage.

 

We started spending every night together and of course soon had stronger feelings for each other. The sex is great. He treats me well. He flatters me. In some ways, it seems like a normal dating relationship.

 

I'm hoping that I can find enough anger, outrage or self-esteem to break it off but I'm not there yet. Right now he's better than nothing and the problem is, I spend all my time with him and then I'm too exhausted to look for anyone else. And yes, I'm in counseling to deal with my issues. Obviously, it's going to take some time and effort on my part.

 

I realize this is in no way flattering to me and makes me sound like a terrible person. My past abuse issues made me an easy target. Honestly, I'm not a terrible person but I am doing a terrible thing and I'll acknowledge that.

[piscis]

Hi!!!

I have been involved with a MM for almost 2 years now

We are coworkers

He has been married for 17 years

He had an A with another coworker for 10 years

I am 15 years younger.

I have comprehend as time goes by that I am not emotionally strong to have a good R with someone, my therapsist wil say that unconsciuosly I need that distance (the one that an unavailable perosn gives) in order to establish a R.

I can tell you that I grew up without a father and I really do not think this is a factor but my therapist says it is.

Anyway, it has been quite a journey,I have struggled and I amat a point that I am kind of stuck, it is not that easy for me to just walk away.

I can not deal with rejection,so this is a big issue.

At this point I have all that knowledge but I do not take actions.

[alexandria35]

This topic of conversation has come up in my circle of friends too. Amazing how many of my married male friends state that since they have been married they have way more women hitting on them. Women, who they say wouldn't have given them the time of day when they were still single.

 

Some years ago I knew a single guy who used to wear a wedding band when he was out trolling for women to sleep with. Once he would strike up a conversation with a prospective woman, she would at some point mention the ring on his finger. Then he would tell her some story about his wife being away on business or visiting relatives. Sometimes he would even talk about their fake kids too, who would of course also be away somewhere with his fake wife. He said it was sooo easy to pick up women this way and way less work then having to impress them as a single guy.

 

My ex had a lot of issues (hence the ex part) but on the surface he was very charming and charismatic. And extremely good looking, better looking than most guys his age. I was always amazed at how many women used to flirt and come on to him right in front of me. Some of them I'm sure were just having fun and wouldn't have really taken it further but I'm just as sure some of them wouldn't have hesitated to get busy with him if they were given a green light by him. There was never any infidelity between us and I'm thankful for that. Our relationship had enough pain and heartache without having to deal with cheating on top of it. Thankfully, for all his flaws, cheating was something that just was not a part of him, because it sure would have been easy for him to do.

 

While the OW here say that they did not deliberately set out to be with a MM and I believe them, I know that there are a great deal of women who do go after married men.

[no expectations]

Respectfully,

 

There are many OP's on this site who strike me as thoughtful intelligent people. But there is one thing I really don't understand.

 

Why do you chose to be with a person who is already married?

 

Now to all of you who did not know the person you were falling for was married or only found out after you were deep into. I am sorry that is a really sh**tty place to be and just wrong.

 

But for those of you who KNEW up front the OP was married, why did you chose to enter into a sexual or romantic relationship with them?

 

I just don't get it? And respectfully, I really want to know what were you thinking, what was your mindset? Why would a unavailable person be your choice?

 

I understand why my WH had his affair - multiple life tragedies that he was at the time too weak to handle, the short affair was an escape - he has since been working on and succeeding in creating greater strength in himself.

 

But his affair partner, she knew from the first time she met him he was married, he reminded her he was married and missing his wife the first night they got emotionally involved (I was deployed). Yet she still chose to invite him home to her bed and than proceed to create a relationship sending letters about how there was such a connection between them. Even when he told her it was over that he wanted to reconnect with his wife who was returning she proposed they remain lovers.

 

Now this woman is a single, successful, intelligent, athletic, attractive woman in her early 40's? Why would she behave this way? Why would she not chose to be available to someone who was single?

 

By the way I KNOW from her own letters that she definitely knew he was married when they met - because she talks about it and me in every letter.

 

And for those of you who might ask why I stayed with a cheating husband - I would not have if I had not seen the effort he has made to fix what was broken in himself. I am confident he is now a stronger person fit to be a partner.

 

Again, I am sorry for everyone who is on here hurting. But for those of you who are willing to help me understand I would appreciate your reply.

 

PS to those who followed my email about the OP letters, I decided to burn them.

 

There are a lot of good questions here but I'm not sure there could ever be a satisfying answer to any of them. I pause each time I see your username because I lived in the Asheville area at the time of my relationship with xMM. Firstly, I didn't originally choose to be with him. I ultimately chose my own actions but it was not premeditated. I didn't wake up one morning and think "today I will start a relationship with a married man".

 

One of the things you mentioned is the following "I understand why my WH had his affair - multiple life tragedies that he was at the time too weak to handle, the short affair was an escape - he has since been working on and succeeding in creating greater strength in himself."... all of this could also be said for the affair partner as well. There is no way you could ever know, regardless of what the WS tells you, what the affair partner has gone through or is currently going through. There are a multitude of personal reasons that someone would allow themselves to get involved in something as destructive as this. Does it make it right, no, but there is understanding of what led them to that place.

 

I knew that he was married...however...the picture he painted of it was very different than what she painted of it. It was my understanding that it was over. Does that mean he deceived me? No. I still made the conscious choice to enter into relationship with him and it was a collosal mistake. I also know that xMM lie to both the spouse and the affair partner so while he may have said "I'm married and care for my wife", he just as easily could have said the exact opposite to her.

 

"Now this woman is a single, successful, intelligent, athletic, attractive woman in her early 40's?" I had to laugh because you are describing me. Sounds like someone who has the world by the tail. On paper she looks awesome. That's why we can't judge by what we see at face value. When I have private message priviledges I will give you any details you'd like about what drove me to make the decision I made. It actually helps me heal to talk about it and if I thought it helped someone else heal, too, I'd be very glad for that. My relationship was finally exposed through a series of letters that I had given to him. I wrote the letters in response to letters he had written to me but that was never disclosed.

 

It has been over for five years now and I still struggle with it every day. Feel free to ask me anything you wish.

[alexandria35]

Married men are easy and they pay more attention to the OW.

 

 

Actually I wonder if married guys are attractive because they have learned to be in tune to a woman just by being married and living full time with a woman. I mean single guys, especially never been married single guys, can come across as kind of dense when it comes to women. Some years back I dated a 52 year old man who had lived with one woman for 1 year many years ago when he was about 30 years old. Since then he had never lived with another woman and never had a long term relationship, and oh boy did his lack of experience ever show. He wasn't a bad person, he was actually a very nice person with a good heart but he was incredibly inept when it came to dealing with a woman. He was awkward, his sexual advances were poorly timed and sometimes crude and through conversations I learned that he really had no clue about how women think and feel.

 

In contrast I have noticed that married guys can be much more aware of how to interact with a woman. They are at ease with women, they are confident and not offensive. They know what is appropriate behaviour and what is not. Since they have lived years with their wife I suspect she has probably played a big part in teaching him how to treat a woman.

[Forever Learning]

He pursued me 100%. He never said he was going to leave his family. Whenever I complained about being his second choice, he would say, "No, you're my RECENT choice." I began to believe that true love would triumph over all of the pain and everyone would understand when they saw how we belonged together.

 

Whenever you get this silly clown language you can be sure you've got a @ssclown on your hands.

 

This sounds like a silver tongued devil indeed, it is slippery ridiculous non-sensical language created to mislead and evade the truth.

 

It makes me cringe!

[chalkfarm]

Many many many FOW will tell you that their XMM pursued them relentlessly. RELENTLESSLY.

 

OP implies that her WH was the pursued not the pursuer....

[alexandria35]

Many many many FOW will tell you that their XMM pursued them relentlessly. RELENTLESSLY.

 

OP implies that her WH was the pursued not the pursuer....

 

 

Well she read the letters that the AP sent to her husband. I have seen OW admit that they did the pursuing and I have seen women come on to married men.

[half_ofa_heart]

Well she read the letters that the AP sent to her husband. I have seen OW admit that they did the pursuing and I have seen women come on to married men.

 

I for one, was pursued RELENTLESSLY!!!! I cannot tell you how many ways I said NO WAY!!! I must have said it in 12 different languages but he still came on to me. What made me give in??? He was a friend first. We were good friends and were getting closer. He only began pursuing me once our relationship began to get closer. But I kept reminding him that I wasn't going there with him. Then one day, I couldn't fight off my feelings any longer and I didn't push him away when he kissed me. Persisstance paid off.

 

I thought for sure that once it became physical, he would grow tired of it and realize that it wasn't worth it. Then the "i love you" started coming and the talk of wanting to be with me and only me and I was hooked! Have been ever since.

 

Pierre is right... I have been on a handful of dates with single men in my 7 years of being divorced and honestly... no one has come close to treating me the way my MM treats me. Hell, not even BEFORE I got married. They compare it to an addiction for a reason... its a high like no other. No other man can compare at least none have yet.

 

However... I really do feel for you and consequently for my MM's W. I can't stand to think about what I'm doing to her so I really do feel for you and hope that you both can get thru this. No one deserves to go thru the heartache of an affair and I'm ashamed of myself everyday for taking part in it. Good luck to you!

[Gentlegirl]

Because your H went after her in a very strong manner and treated her in a very special way. After age 40 she was probably tired of the crappy way she was treated by single men.

 

They met and they created a very exclusive secret society with only two members. Nothing can be as erotic as that situation. She could never have this with a single man.

 

YOu have nailed that.... exactly what happened to me. xMM always said

 

"I went straight for your heart because that's what I wanted to have from you"

 

There is a special way of treating a woman when you want to win her

from the heart.

 

Gentlegirl

[woinlove]

Because your H went after her in a very strong manner and treated her in a very special way. After age 40 she was probably tired of the crappy way she was treated by single men.

 

They met and they created a very exclusive secret society with only two members. Nothing can be as erotic as that situation. She could never have this with a single man.

 

This addresses one part of what often attracts single women to MM - the special and exclusive feelings that a secret A can induce. The other part is why the OW is open to being seduced in this way, when many other women would look at the situation and see that MM is trying to fill his own needs while remaining married and say no thanks.

 

Sounds like in this case the MM was vulnerable due to various issues plus his W's long absence. Typically the OW has her own vulnerabilities that make her susceptible to a MM's attention or some may even seek out MM due to their own issues (Kismet mentioned some of these).

[chalkfarm]

Well she read the letters that the AP sent to her husband. I have seen OW admit that they did the pursuing and I have seen women come on to married men.

One would have to read the letters to decide if the BS is seeing what she wants to see or what her husband has persuaded her to see (a WS obviously sways the situation to flatter himself and paint the AP as a demon).

 

 

As for women "coming on to MM" flirting doesn't make an affair, it is an exercise in sexual power. Stepping over the line into affair land is a VERY different thing. I think there are few women doing the affair pursuit. Although, I suspect that many are willing and open which in hindsight may feel like a form of passive pursuit.

[Gentlegirl]

Hello,

 

I appreciate the thoughful way you asked the question.... thank you.

 

I am an xOW.

 

I also had multiple life tragedies and no way out. The xMM was pretty much in the same boat.

 

I didn't know how to cope with my reality..... incurably ill husband, loss of home to fire and a couple of other major occurrences. The life I had enjoyed had completely collapsed around me very suddenly. XMM had similar.

 

There was a degree of escapism, fantasy, that exclusive world that Pierre mentioned, human company and comfort.... lots of elements I suppose. We both pursued the A relentlessly.

 

We both knew that we had no escape from our real lives. We lost sight of that fact in eventually wanting more of each other than we could have.

 

That was the time to say goodbye.

 

 

That is why I pursued a MM although it doesn't really answer your question as I was married too at the beginning of the A.

 

Gentlegirl

[East7]

Respectfully,

 

There are many OP's on this site who strike me as thoughtful intelligent people. But there is one thing I really don't understand.

 

Why do you chose to be with a person who is already married?

 

Now to all of you who did not know the person you were falling for was married or only found out after you were deep into. I am sorry that is a really sh**tty place to be and just wrong.

 

But for those of you who KNEW up front the OP was married, why did you chose to enter into a sexual or romantic relationship with them?

 

I just don't get it? And respectfully, I really want to know what were you thinking, what was your mindset? Why would a unavailable person be your choice?

 

.

 

Former OM here.

 

First of all I strongly believe, an A can happen to anyone. I qualify my xMW and me, very normal people, no self-esteem issues. She and I, in a thousand years, would ever think being involved so heavily in a triangle relationship. SHe never thought she would cheat, she was very judgmental towards others and I was someone who would consider being OM/OW a very humiliating place to be. I used to consider those people silly and weak. Well it happened to me..

 

I didn't chose her because she was married. Nor it was for me a challenge I put to myself to "win" her over her husband.

 

The fact that she was married was instead a source of constant pain and "what-ifs"..."What if I knew her before her H? He is so lucky, he came first."

 

We began like friends and we crushed for each-other. I think there is a point where you just can't go back. She began to feel torn between two men and I was hoping she would divorce or at least make a decision and let me go. Then we became addicted to each-other. We knew it was wrong, I knew she wasn't moving but we were so attached to our fantasy world we created that we didn't want to wake up and face the reality.

 

When I came first to this board, lots of posters told me I "should" have been able to stop it, but I think you need to live it in your skin to know what it is like. I loved this woman so much that I kept chasing out of my mind the fact she was married.

 

It is soooo easy to say "What did you excpect, she was married?" - Well I learned it the hard way. Never have I suffered so much of a relationship that I suffered about her.

[woinlove]

Former OM here.

 

First of all I strongly believe, an A can happen to anyone. I qualify my xMW and me, very normal people, no self-esteem issues. She and I, in a thousand years, would ever think being involved so heavily in a triangle relationship. SHe never thought she would cheat, she was very judgmental towards others and I was someone who would consider being OM/OW a very humiliating place to be. I used to consider those people silly and weak. Well it happened to me..

 

 

It seems fairly common for people involved in affairs to think of it as something that happened to them. But, my own experience is that after going through several romantic attachments as a teen/young adult, I came to recognize when I feel attracted to someone, when I flirt, when a touch or look moves beyond the friend-zone. For me, getting romantically involved with someone is a choice, usually a whole series of choices - ones I sometimes let pass by despite sparks and ones I sometimes choose to pursue.

 

I wonder how many APs honestly don't have the self-awareness to make choices about how they will spend their time, how they will communicate, what physical intimacy they will have. Maybe it is easier to not acknowledge the choices one had to make. I can understand something being so compelling that one just wants to go for it and ignore the potential consequences for a while. But that is different than having it just happen to you.

 

Some people feel very strongly that they will not get involved in an A again because of all the pain they experienced. In that case, they know they have a choice and marital status is likely to be an important piece of information they will want to reliably determine before they let an attraction move from inside their head to outward actions.

[East7]

It seems fairly common for people involved in affairs to think of it as something that happened to them. But, my own experience is that after going through several romantic attachments as a teen/young adult, I came to recognize when I feel attracted to someone, when I flirt, when a touch or look moves beyond the friend-zone. For me, getting romantically involved with someone is a choice, usually a whole series of choices - ones I sometimes let pass by despite sparks and ones I sometimes choose to pursue.

.

 

Affairs may begin like a sweet harmless seduction game, it is thrilling, stimulating, joyful...You think you can control it.

And then there is a NO RETURN point (I know when mine happened).

After this point you don't control anything anymore, it is the A that controls your whole mind and soul.

 

I also think that MP are very talented at seduction game. They give it all in a short time, thing that single people don't always do. They make you feel special so quickly and deeply that you forget the fact that they are married. Add this to physical attraction and you have the perfect partner you always wanted.

 

A MP may be like finding the house of your dreams. It is ALL you ever wanted but it isn't for sale.

Edited July 31, 2011 by East7

[Gentlegirl]

Affairs may begin like a sweet harmless seduction game, it is thrilling, stimulating, joyful...You think you can control it.

And then there is a NO RETURN point (I know when mine happened).

After this point you don't control anything anymore, it is the A that controls your whole mind and soul.

 

I also think that MP are very talented at seduction game. They give it all in a short time, thing that single people don't always do. They make you feel special so quickly and deeply that you forget the fact that they are married. Add this to physical attraction and you have the perfect partner you always wanted.

 

A MP may be like finding the house of your dreams. It is ALL you ever wanted but it isn't for sale.

 

East,

 

I remember the exact point when the A took over for me. I remember the very quick connection and the feelings of being special, etc etc.

The MP only has limited time to do hook you in so it's very concentrated and heady.

 

YOu nailed so much in your last few posts about they way it happened for me.

 

Gentlegirl

[MissBee]

It seems fairly common for people involved in affairs to think of it as something that happened to them. But, my own experience is that after going through several romantic attachments as a teen/young adult, I came to recognize when I feel attracted to someone, when I flirt, when a touch or look moves beyond the friend-zone. For me, getting romantically involved with someone is a choice, usually a whole series of choices - ones I sometimes let pass by despite sparks and ones I sometimes choose to pursue.

 

I wonder how many APs honestly don't have the self-awareness to make choices about how they will spend their time, how they will communicate, what physical intimacy they will have. Maybe it is easier to not acknowledge the choices one had to make. I can understand something being so compelling that one just wants to go for it and ignore the potential consequences for a while. But that is different than having it just happen to you.

 

Some people feel very strongly that they will not get involved in an A again because of all the pain they experienced. In that case, they know they have a choice and marital status is likely to be an important piece of information they will want to reliably determine before they let an attraction move from inside their head to outward actions.

 

 

I agree 100%! I have shared the same sentiments as well at one time or another on the board.

 

I am not super human and not exempt from attractions, temptations and the like but from that point I have to make a choice and a series of choices thereafter. I am not minding my own business one minute then hypnotized into an affair or whatever else, the next. That just is not the case. I too have felt like "it just happened" but once I became more aware and became intentional in my life, I realize that that in fact was not the case. I do believe though that the less intentional you are, the more likely you are to blow with whims and fancies and feel like things "just happen" to you....

 

 

When I was the OW I did not willfully seek him out knowing full well he was involved with another. I eventually was told and I made the choice to stay around and to interact with him in a manner that fostered increased feelings, despite knowing. That was my choice. I can argue that well I found out the 100% truth after already being attached therefore what could I do.....but I am also honest enough to admit I had every chance and choice to stop once it came to light, and did not. I own that and don't need to pretend like I woke up in the affair or was compelled into it and there was absolutely no way to stop it. That simply is true for no one, barring mental illnesses.

Edited July 31, 2011 by MissBee

[OWoman]

And respectfully, I really want to know what were you thinking, what was your mindset? Why would a unavailable person be your choice?

 

They were married, but they were not unavailable.

 

Why would she not chose to be available to someone who was single?

 

This was the crux of it for me. I was not available. I had many other commitments - my career, my kids, my home, my pets, my organisational commitments, my friends, my hobbies, my extended family, etc. I could not make myself available to the demands of another - especially someone who wanted the full suite. I had no desire to have to cook for another, clean for another, listen to another's tales about their day, share the emotional turmoils of another, listen to the hopes and dreams of another, discuss plans with another, go shopping with another, have to share space with another, or have another make demands on my time, energy or attention. I had a fully packed life, and I needed to be fully in control of every aspect of it to maintain the delicate balance of demands and resources.

 

For me, it was a rational choice based on my needs and requirements at the time.

[fellhard4u]

I was not available. I had many other commitments - my career, my kids, my home, my pets, my organisational commitments, my friends, my hobbies, my extended family, etc. I could not make myself available to the demands of another

 

At some point in the beginning of the A I did feel that way. However, I did fall deeply in love with him and then things changed where I wished to share the rest of my life with him.

 

Although I am no spring chick, at the onset of the A, I had no idea about the path of destruction this would lead to.

 

Another way that I tried to rationalize getting into the A was that I was going through a difficult time in my life, alone in having to carry huge responsibilities, expected to be the strong, clear-minded, sane one. Allowing myself to indulge in the A almost felt like a kind of rebellion against all that.