SilverLining Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I just need some perspective in this. I have a brother who is a year younger than me, and he just married a fantastic woman the same age two weeks ago. My 5 siblings and I are very close and consider ourselves friends though we range in age from 30-21. We welcomed his girlfriend into our family with open arms and she became in a very real way, a sister before she ever walked down the aisle. When she asked me to be a bridesmaid I was thrilled. So here is the part I'm having trouble with. I've come to every event celebrating their union. I helped her pick out a wedding dress, discussed endless wedding details with her, I've gone to help choose places for dinners, hotels, flowers...I dealt with a woman who was harassing her about the wedding date, I was available for her whenever she and my brother had a fight, I sang at her wedding, and I spent a lot of money buying expensive gifts, an expensive bridesmaid dress, an expensive dinner and drinks for her and younger sisters at the bachelorette party, shoes, hotel rooms for the wedding, and endless amounts of money for gas as I live in another state. Excepting the money after awhile, I was more than happy to do all of this for someone I was so happy was going to be part of my family and who my brother loves so much. The issue is two-fold. I'm the oldest and have always been more of a 'motherer' to my siblings. I feel like I am not appreciated. Even though I am invited along to outings and get togethers, I feel that my brother's wife prefers my sister who is 6 years younger than she, and they message each other and talk frequently. My brother and his wife also tried to plan a trip that they invited my younger brother and his longterm girlfriend to. I don't begrudge any of this because I think my siblings are all fun people, but it bothers me to read about things I wasn't invited to or be around when they start talking about events they are planning. Because I live out of state, it bothers me when I drive hours on Friday and find out that my brother, his wife, and my younger sister got together and didn't invite me although they knew I was coming in that day. It isn't that I'm not fun, I have a great many friends...I suppose I'm just not as fun to them. Well, I have never said anything to them as we DO spend time together and get along well...but this has all been exacerbated for me because while I spent a year doing everything I could for my brother and his new wife, I have also been planning an event to take place a month after the wedding - I am moving overseas, to the Middle East, for two years. Almost nothing has been said to me about this, excepting my brother's wife texting me to see if I wanted to have a mini 'going away party' the day of our cousins's graduation party since we will all be in town. I said I didn't want to take any time away from my cousin's event, especially as I don't know what's planned. In truth I don't need a going away party, I just want to see family...but it bothers me that I haven't heard a thing from her...she just goes on facebook to talk about her new married life and never calls, texts, messages me or even comments on anything I write, while doing so for my younger sisters and everyone else. I know she isn't mad at me. This just really bothers me in light of all the ways I was there for her and all the money I spent. I was irritated but understanding of it at first because I knew she was thinking wedding, wedding wedding...but it bothers me to not have such an important milestone in my life not even be acknowledged. I have spent a LOT of time planning for my move to another place in the world where I don't really know anyone or anything much, and it's very scary for me. What should I do? How should I handle this? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Why not just use your words, be honest, and tell your family members that you would like a family gathering before you leave? And likewise, let them know, in a nice way, that when they are planning events, you would like to be included too? You've been silent, and nobody can read your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining Posted July 30, 2011 Author Share Posted July 30, 2011 i have mentioned this. and i dont really want a party together. i will get together with them. you have missed the point entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 It must be hurtful to have put so much of your love, time, energy etc. into your SIL, just to feel like it's not being reciprocated. There are many reasons that your SIL could be acting this way, imo. Maybe she feels scared about growing/expressing/feeling deep feelings for you who, a. lives in another state and b. is moving very far away...she could have some unconscious fears about abandonment by those she loves. Maybe she feels uncomfortable and unaccustomed to someone showering her with this type of love/attention, so she is shying away. It's possible that she only feels comfortable with slightly younger friends. Maybe your personalities just don't mesh. Regardless of why she is acting this way, I really think it would be better to move overseas without burning any bridges. Just let it go, hold onto the memories you have and, if the time is right one day, you might have the opportunity to become great friends. Best of luck with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 i have mentioned this. and i dont really want a party together. i will get together with them. you have missed the point entirely. I think you should consider, that if you talk to your family members the way you just responded to me, they may find it offensive and/or consider it a sign that you don't want to spend time with them. Your response was verging on the rude, aimed at a kind-hearted stranger who is trying to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Almost nothing has been said to me about this, excepting my brother's wife texting me to see if I wanted to have a mini 'going away party' the day of our cousins's graduation party since we will all be in town. In truth I don't need a going away party, I just want to see family. This just really bothers me in light of all the ways I was there for her and all the money I spent. I was irritated but understanding of it at first because I knew she was thinking wedding, wedding wedding...but it bothers me to not have such an important milestone in my life not even be acknowledged. Ok, you are bothered because they are not acknowledging your leaving, but she offered you a going away party. The party didn't sound as though it would be big, but it did sound as though it would include all of your family. That makes no sense. You want something, she offered it, and you turned it down, and you are upset because no one is offering something. Another thing I am curious about - why is it HER that you are so bothered by? Why are you upset that SHE isn't doing anything for you/with you? Wouldn't you be more upset with your brother/siblings for not doing more for your leaving? Why do you feel so rejected by this newcomer to your family, rather than feeling rejected by your brother or your other siblings? As for the friendship factor, you say you are very 'mothering'. This is good in some ways, but maybe not so good in others. Perhaps they just want to hang out with friends who are simply peers, and perhaps they just like doing things with local friends rather than ones who live out of town or who will be out of the country for 2 years. Perhaps the new wife and the lt GF are just better matched personality-wise. I would put the 'friendship' factor out of my mind, if I could. You can't fault people for who they forge friendships with. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 I think you should consider, that if you talk to your family members the way you just responded to me, they may find it offensive and/or consider it a sign that you don't want to spend time with them. Your response was verging on the rude, aimed at a kind-hearted stranger who is trying to help. The response was curt to say the least. Link to post Share on other sites
Crabbies Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 I just need some perspective in this. I have a brother who is a year younger than me, and he just married a fantastic woman the same age two weeks ago. My 5 siblings and I are very close and consider ourselves friends though we range in age from 30-21. We welcomed his girlfriend into our family with open arms and she became in a very real way, a sister before she ever walked down the aisle. When she asked me to be a bridesmaid I was thrilled. So here is the part I'm having trouble with. I've come to every event celebrating their union. I helped her pick out a wedding dress, discussed endless wedding details with her, I've gone to help choose places for dinners, hotels, flowers...I dealt with a woman who was harassing her about the wedding date, I was available for her whenever she and my brother had a fight, I sang at her wedding, and I spent a lot of money buying expensive gifts, an expensive bridesmaid dress, an expensive dinner and drinks for her and younger sisters at the bachelorette party, shoes, hotel rooms for the wedding, and endless amounts of money for gas as I live in another state. Excepting the money after awhile, I was more than happy to do all of this for someone I was so happy was going to be part of my family and who my brother loves so much. The issue is two-fold. I'm the oldest and have always been more of a 'motherer' to my siblings. I feel like I am not appreciated. Even though I am invited along to outings and get togethers, I feel that my brother's wife prefers my sister who is 6 years younger than she, and they message each other and talk frequently. My brother and his wife also tried to plan a trip that they invited my younger brother and his longterm girlfriend to. I don't begrudge any of this because I think my siblings are all fun people, but it bothers me to read about things I wasn't invited to or be around when they start talking about events they are planning. Because I live out of state, it bothers me when I drive hours on Friday and find out that my brother, his wife, and my younger sister got together and didn't invite me although they knew I was coming in that day. It isn't that I'm not fun, I have a great many friends...I suppose I'm just not as fun to them. Well, I have never said anything to them as we DO spend time together and get along well...but this has all been exacerbated for me because while I spent a year doing everything I could for my brother and his new wife, I have also been planning an event to take place a month after the wedding - I am moving overseas, to the Middle East, for two years. Almost nothing has been said to me about this, excepting my brother's wife texting me to see if I wanted to have a mini 'going away party' the day of our cousins's graduation party since we will all be in town. I said I didn't want to take any time away from my cousin's event, especially as I don't know what's planned. In truth I don't need a going away party, I just want to see family...but it bothers me that I haven't heard a thing from her...she just goes on facebook to talk about her new married life and never calls, texts, messages me or even comments on anything I write, while doing so for my younger sisters and everyone else. I know she isn't mad at me. This just really bothers me in light of all the ways I was there for her and all the money I spent. I was irritated but understanding of it at first because I knew she was thinking wedding, wedding wedding...but it bothers me to not have such an important milestone in my life not even be acknowledged. I have spent a LOT of time planning for my move to another place in the world where I don't really know anyone or anything much, and it's very scary for me. What should I do? How should I handle this? Wow... this is sad... is there a reason you don't want the mini party, oh yes it's being lumped in w/a cousin's graduation... ouch... I agree you do sound like you are unappreciated... I would agree... Sometimes very "capable", "mothering" people can appear to not need the "care" more "needy" people get and it makes their (I'm guessing) more mature demeanour, natural reserve appear aloof, and they just feel more and more hurt. Talk to someone older in your family, who appreciates you, understands you, maybe a parent? and have that little get-together...Don't go away without resolving all this... talk to your brother, tell him how you feel without blaming him or his wife... do talk to yoour SIL too, but try not to blame, concentrate more on how you feel, than what they've done or not done. Be open, be vulnerable... For the record, I would love to have had a sister like you, you sound amazing... :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
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