visualbasicide Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 But maybe it's too soon to do that, you are still very early on in this and I fear going through this exercise you may be putting too much blame on yourself. Heal more first, get settled with your boys and see that they are doing the best they can, then you can go through this process. Take a little more time to heal, then look in the mirror. Yeah, when I first tried this I put way too much blame on myself. Not something you want to do right off the bat. Took me over a year to get to this where I could examine everything in a healthy light. Thanks andyg99, totally skipped my memory on that point. Then again, a little regression never hurt anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saul Goodman Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 Well, I spoke with her. I said where I went wrong. She begrudgingly admitted that she could've handled things better, although I didn't receive any apologies. Some reminiscing of the past. Some tears. I don't know who she is now, but at least she wasn't yelling at me. She isn't coming home. We said our goodbyes. NC time. I've got my closure. just be careful that you do not provide her with anything she can use against you later.With the amount of dirt I have on her, it doesn't really matter. I've "won". Although it's a pyrrhic victory. But maybe it's too soon to do that, you are still very early on in this and I fear going through this exercise you may be putting too much blame on yourself.I understand andy. But I try not to throw blame around on anybody. Point is, as a BS, we should spend less energy thinking about the WS, and more on us. That means we focus on our bad sides, but it also means that we focus on our good sides. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Saul, you're going to get through this just fine and you're going to be be in a much better place when you get to the other side of this thing. Just going from your posts, you're a smart guy who engages in a healthy dose of introspection and analysis. Keep the changes coming, and you can't miss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saul Goodman Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 Saul, you're going to get through this just fine and you're going to be be in a much better place when you get to the other side of this thing. Just going from your posts, you're a smart guy who engages in a healthy dose of introspection and analysis. Keep the changes coming, and you can't miss. I know that I'll be able to move on from this as a better person. Well, I hope. But there's a bittersweetness to it all, ya know? Sure, they break your heart in the end. But you think about why you fell in love with them-how can they break your heart if you don't feel anything for them in the first place? Ah well. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Man, I am just burning with BS passion tonight. Saul, I love and look forward to your posts/comments! Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I know that I'll be able to move on from this as a better person. Well, I hope. But there's a bittersweetness to it all, ya know? Sure, they break your heart in the end. But you think about why you fell in love with them-how can they break your heart if you don't feel anything for them in the first place? Ah well. that bittersweetness is very painful... even when we KNOW that we are going to be ok it is sad when we realize that as everyday passes the one we thought we would be with forever is slowly leaving our heart... Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) Saul, you're going to get through this just fine and you're going to be be in a much better place when you get to the other side of this thing. Just going from your posts, you're a smart guy who engages in a healthy dose of introspection and analysis. ...but without the degree of dragging yourself down into the pits that turns you into a self-loathing mess. Don't be afraid to look back, but keep moving forward. Own your part in your marriage realistically, but don't overdo the heaping-blame-on-your-own-shoulders bit. Strike a balance in everything. You're doing great... I wish I'd had your perspective and sense when I was at the same stage in my journey... I know that I'll be able to move on from this as a better person. Well, I hope. But there's a bittersweetness to it all, ya know? I abso-fu**in-loutely know what you mean. At some point in my process, something finally kinda "broke" (although not in a bad way) and most of my anger sort of fell away in pieces, and left behind a kind of a fuzzy, calm, sadness - I think, the equivalent to your bittersweetness. While sad, this calm was such a relief from the anguish and anger, I actually recall it quite fondly! Edited September 13, 2011 by Trimmer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saul Goodman Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 I abso-fu**in-loutely know what you mean. At some point in my process, something finally kinda "broke" (although not in a bad way) and most of my anger sort of fell away in pieces, and left behind a kind of a fuzzy, calm, sadness - I think, the equivalent to your bittersweetness. While sad, this calm was such a relief from the anguish and anger, I actually recall it quite fondly! I know what you mean. It's exactly like that. It isn't a painful feeling. There's no anger. No bitterness. The pain isn't raw. It's a sort of calming sadness. You accept the reality of your situation. You know that you can move forwards. But you also know that the first few steps are going to be rough. Anyway, enough angst from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saul Goodman Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 How are we all today/tonight? Feeling good? I'm feeling good. Insomnia has gone on and off. But hey, it could be worse. I'm enjoying the bittersweet feeling in a weird way. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 How are we all today/tonight? Feeling good? I'm feeling good. Insomnia has gone on and off. But hey, it could be worse. I'm enjoying the bittersweet feeling in a weird way. Best cure for insomnia? Go for a proper 5 mile plus bicycle ride a few hours before bed. Wrestle a bit of traffic, really go fast, up some hills etc. You will fall asleep like a baby in front of the TV.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saul Goodman Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 So, I'm feeling good. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 Good to hear it.... Is that an unusual situation, that we just happened to catch this evening, or is it a fairly regular occurrence these days? (Or, being the middle of the night, did you just get laid? ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saul Goodman Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 Good to hear it.... Is that an unusual situation, that we just happened to catch this evening, or is it a fairly regular occurrence these days? (Or, being the middle of the night, did you just get laid? ) Did I just get laid? Lefty helped but that's about it. Anyway, my sons are slowly moving on. This has definitely been a traumatic experience for them but I'm dedicating more time to my kids. No contact from my stbxW. Not much I can do but wish her well. There's no point hating her now. Life is good. Except for all the paperwork. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saul Goodman Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 So, how long was it before you guys (and gals) started dating again, after your divorces? Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 So, how long was it before you guys (and gals) started dating again, after your divorces? I started right away, but that was way too soon. I've been apart from my STBX for 8 months. I have built some great friendships and I now think I'm capable of having a good relationship. I still have some feelings for my ex, but disgust is outwaying the any other feeling, so I'm winning the battle. I would entertaining dating if you can build some friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 So, how long was it before you guys (and gals) started dating again, after your divorces? I started right away, but that was way too soon. I've been apart from my STBX for 8 months. I have built some great friendships and I now think I'm capable of having a good relationship. I still have some feelings for my ex, but disgust is outweighing any other feeling, so I'm winning the battle. I would entertain dating if you can build some friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 My data points are: My exW, technically the BS in our situation, had a live-in boyfriend before we were divorced and they continue to cohabit. I dated a couple of ladies over a three month period nearly two years ago and haven't dated since. Our D was final about a year ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saul Goodman Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Yep. Think I might try celibacy for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 My situation was totally different, no kids and was only married six months. About a month after d-day I had a revenge affair with an associate OM's wife. I discovered that a pretty face instantly lifted me out of the black pit of despair. So I got back into the dating scene to reclaim my sex life. Having seen how quickly a marriage can so quickly (like almost over night) go into the toilet, I no longer trusted women, especially women who might fall in love with me. Looking back, I can sadly see that I flat ran from some very promising possible relationships. I would like to say I have no regrets, and in a way I don't, but I never did have a family or kids. Oddly enough, the one possible relationship that probably held the most promise became available about 3 months after my separation. She was a co-worker who decided to divorce her husband. She had met my Ex and I had met her Ex. She saw the potential of the two of us hooking up almost from the beginning. For me it was too much too soon, and I saw her wanting to use me as a replacement husband and I proceeded to drive a stake in the relationship. It was a couple of years later, when I discovered that she still had not married, much less found a replacement that I realized that perhaps she was right and it would have behooved me to have remained friends and with time let nature take its course. It has been my experience that new relationships with the most potential seem to magically appear when you least expect it. So my advice is two fold. I would not actively seek the dating scene until you are sure that you are ready. But at the sametime, try to be understanding and don't blow her off if something should suddenly appear before you think you are ready Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I think everyones point is probably different. It took me over a year but I was happy with myself and my life and then I met my OH when I wasn't even looking. Concentrate on your kids, enjoy life and you never know Saul Link to post Share on other sites
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