I feel like crap

[somedude81]

Stop doing this. It is not attractive. At all. Even if you did have a chance with a girl, if she told you that she was out with friends and you kept badgering asking her why she is not replying, it's a pretty much instant killer of attraction.

Was I badgering her?

 

I called her on 8/4 at around 1:40 and left a message. I just found out I didn't have to work that day and wanted to hang out. I sent her a text several hours later. Two days later I sent her another text then finally heard back from her.

 

She usually gets back to me the same day I send a message. Going a couple days is not normal for her. Was it wrong for me to ask why she didn't reply?

 

The last girl I dated tried to get rid of me by suddenly going no contact after we had a date. She didn't have the guts to tell me "sorry, it's not going to work" or anything like that. Just straight on no contact right after we had a nice date. So I'm afraid this girl will do the same thing.

You're coming across as sounding desperate and this could well be putting women off.

Of course I'm desperate. I thought that was obvious from the first post. Though I don't think I'm coming off as desperate when I'm actually interacting with girls. I hold myself back a lot.

 

I know I used to come off as needy in the past and a girl set me straight a few years ago. Now I wonder if I'm holding myself back too much when talking to new girls, because I don't like showing any interest.

 

For eg "It's becoming plain as day that this girl does not respect me. I know I should drop her. But that will leave me with nothing." This comes across as desperation, she will probably pick up on that and think 'sod this he only wants me cos I'm his only option/he's got no-one else.' I wouldn't want someone interested in me cos they've no other option, would you?

How can she come to that conclusion? I don't contact her that much. I contact her once a week to try and make plans. If our schedules don't mesh up I'll message her a few days later with something silly or a stupid picture that I'll know she'll get a kick out of. After that I just leave her alone till the next week.

 

 

Never, ever make someone the main event in your life, or rely heavily on them for your happiness and well being, it is essential you build up your life before attracting a partner.

I think no-one will respect you until you respect yourself, sorry to sound harsh.

I think that line is BS. Many guys don't have their life built up and they have partners. And building a life is not guaranteed to get a girl. That's basically saying that I need to become the man I want to be before I can get a woman. It's an ongoing process and it will never be complete. It's impossible to wait till it's done to get somebody.

 

Your life sounds quite empty

Yup. My life has been empty for a very long time. Video games, anime, TV and wasting time online are the only things I do that occupy my time.

 

There are so many things I want to do, but not by myself.

I lack confidence and have social anxiety, and have suffered with anxiety all my life, I've had to work so hard to make a life for myself, doubly so after my ex left after nearly 20 years, I had to start again.

 

Life's always been a battle to me, but I'd rather continue to try to make it better, rather than give up and admit defeat, we only get one chance at life, it's over before you know it. I've learnt that feeling sorry for myself and relying on others to make life exciting for me isn't helping/working.

Eh, I'm really getting close to admiting defeat. I've been trying to build my life but it just hasn't been working. I've completely failed socially and I tried many things.

 

My life has never been good, so I don't have that much hope that it can be. I don't have any good ole days to look back on. My life has always been drab with little scattered pockets of happiness. Those have been when I actually got to spend time with a girl.

 

All I really need is just to have a woman in my life. And I don't know why that has been kept from me.

[ptp]

somedude,

 

You come off as very desperate. You have known this girl since February and she hasn't showed interest in you romantically, she isn't suddenly going to start developing feelings for you now.

 

You spend way too much time pumping your penis and worrying about your height, spend that time meeting new girls.

 

If you want to drop this girl, think of her this way:

 

Every second you spend pursing her for a romantic relationship is a second taken away from finding someone who actually likes you. This girl is actually preventing you from meeting other great women.

[somedude81]

somedude,

 

You come off as very desperate. You have known this girl since February and she hasn't showed interest in you romantically, she isn't suddenly going to start developing feelings for you now.

 

If you want to drop this girl, think of her this way:

 

Every second you spend pursing her for a romantic relationship is a second taken away from finding someone who actually likes you. This girl is actually preventing you from meeting other great women.

Uh no, I've known her since February of last year. So it's worse then you make it out to be. As for her falling for me or not. All I know is that she's let me get a lot closer to her these past couple months than I ever have. Odds are she will never develop feelings. But I don't have anything better to do. And if she does somehow start liking me, it will all be worth it.

 

The vast majority of girls I ask out I meet at school or work. I'm not really interested in anybody at my current job and I'm on summer break. School doesn't start till the end of the month.

 

In the time that I've known her, I've been rejected by about ten different girls. Pursuing her has no effect on whether I chase other girls or not. So far she's the only girl who hasn't ran away after I expressed an interest in her.

 

Odds are I'm going to meet and get rejected by a handful of new girls this semester. How exciting

 

My whole underlying issue is that girls have never liked me. Until I can fix that, it doesn't matter what I do.

Edited August 7, 2011 by somedude81

[Ross MwcFan]

Uh no, I've known her since February of last year. So it's worse then you make it out to be. As for her falling for me or not. All I know is that she's let me get a lot closer to her these past couple months than I ever have. Odds are she will never develop feelings. But I don't have anything better to do. And if she does somehow start liking me, it will all be worth it.

 

The vast majority of girls I ask out I meet at school or work. I'm not really interested in anybody at my current job and I'm on summer break. School doesn't start till the end of the month.

 

In the time that I've known her, I've been rejected by about ten different girls. Pursuing her has no effect on whether I chase other girls or not. So far she's the only girl who hasn't ran away after I expressed an interest in her.

 

Odds are I'm going to meet and get rejected by a handful of new girls this semester. How exciting

 

My whole underlying issue is that girls have never liked me. Until I can fix that, it doesn't matter what I do.

 

I wish I knew what caused this for guys who look totally normal, or even above average, and who seem totally normal, like yourself.

 

It really is such a stange phenomenon. It's got to be something more than just needing to change a hair style, being shy, being unconfident, or whatever. As most people with these problems, still attract others and get relationships.

 

I wish a proper study would be done on this. Something scientific.

[somedude81]

I think my problem is that because of my height, girls have never been attracted to me. And because of my confidence issues growing up, I never developed an attractive personality that compensated for my lack of height.

 

If I was an average height dude with low confidence, or a suave short guy; I'm sure I'd be totally fine. But with both things wrong, I don't have a chance.

[olivec]

You fix it by not giving a **** about them. And brotha you are desperate and you gotta stop beating yourself up about this broad. Bottomline she aint giving a damn about you can't you see that. Everybody is telling you to move on from her because she is clearly not interested in you. The best way to get a woman is to act like you can get one anytime you want. But you gotta be confident and not act like these girls are queens the first time you meet them or hangout with them for a few months. Another thing start going out with your friends man and have some fun. I can tell you need to unwind badly or your gunna have a nervous break down or something and for what over some dumb girl you barely know and not even in a real relationship with. This is gunna sound hars but stop being a god damn pussy and dont let some girl destroy your confidence and dictate your life.

[somedude81]

Frankly I don't see a point in moving on from her. It's not like anybody else likes me.

 

The best way to get a woman, is to act like you can get one anytime you want.

I know that.

 

But...I... can't... get... anybody.

 

It's not something I can fake.

 

But you gotta be confident and not act like these girls are queens the first time you meet them or hangout with them for a few months.

I don't treat them like queens. I don't let them use me, I'm not needy and I don't contact them that much.

 

Another thing start going out with your friends man and have some fun. I can tell you need to unwind badly

I don't have any close friends. I tried to get some last semester but I wasn't able to successfully become part of the group and I'm alone. The only person I spent any time with this summer is the f-ing girl. Nobody else was available.

 

or your gunna have a nervous break down or something and for what over some dumb girl you barely know and not even in a real relationship with. This is gunna sound hars but stop being a god damn pussy and dont let some girl destroy your confidence and dictate your life.

I am very close to having a break down. When I do, these threads will tell the story why.

 

One girl isn't going to destroy my confidence, it's every girl I have ever liked combined. This girl is only the most recent one in a long string of failure.

[HeavenOrHell]

How tall are you? Although I don't think it's your height causing problems, more like the lack of confidence, which I identify with. Put it this way I've seen people of normal height have partners with restricted growth (dwarfism, not sure if that is the correct term, no offence intended to anyone), so maybe it's more your reaction to your height?

I don't know your whole story.

When you're with women, and men for that matter; acquaintances/friends/neighbours, whoever you're talking to, do you show an interest in them, ask them questions about them, come across as warm hearted? Or *are* you playing it too cool like you said you thought you might be and maybe it looks like you're not interested?

 

 

 

I think my problem is that because of my height, girls have never been attracted to me. And because of my confidence issues growing up, I never developed an attractive personality that compensated for my lack of height.

 

If I was an average height dude with low confidence, or a suave short guy; I'm sure I'd be totally fine. But with both things wrong, I don't have a chance.

[somedude81]

I'm 5'6. I know it doesn't seem like I'm that short. But what is the first word women use to describe their ideal man? Tall.

 

I'm also not that good looking. Combine that with my height, and women are just not physically attracted to me. There isn't much I can do when girls aren't attracted.

 

I don't think confidence really has much to do with my issues. It's that I'm not smooth and don't know how to talk to women in a way that's attractive to them. I just come across as friendly and warm. That doesn't turn women on. That's what I meant by coming across as I'm not interested.

 

Women are quick to write me off as the buddy and often get surprised when they realize that I wanted to be more than friends.

[ptp]

Bro, what I meant is not just that you are wasting time on her, you are also wasting mental energy.

 

Let me ask you this: Has your self-confidence, and self-worth been affected by the way she has treated you? To me your interactions with her have made you feel worse not better about yourself; am I right?

 

If I am right, then why be around someone who brings negative energy? I am guessing and I may be wrong but, if you had spent the summer without her your self confidence might be higher than it is right now?

 

Also the height thing? Get over it. 5'6" is not outlandishly short when the average male is 5'9".

 

You use height as a crutch. I don't have problem with my height but, I have a crutch too. I have a very unattractive face (looks like a dented, deflated football ) and bad skin. I have face only a mother could love. I use that as a crutch every time a woman rejects me. A buddy of mine is a 34 year old virgin who has never been in a LTR. He has decent height: 5'10" but his weight fluctuates between 280-300 lbs. He has been fat his whole life and he uses that as a crutch.

 

We all have our crutches, we lean on them when faced with rejection. No matter if the actual reason we were rejected was because we lacked self confidence or were needy or something else we always say it was due to the crutch.

 

I haven't let my crutch go yet but, I am working on it. Can you let yours go?

Edited August 8, 2011 by ptp

[somedude81]

Bro, what I meant is not just that you are wasting time on her, you are also wasting mental energy.

 

Let me ask you this: Has your self-confidence, and self-worth been affected by the way she has treated you? To me your interactions with her have made you feel worse not better about yourself; am I right?

 

If I am right, then why be around someone who brings negative energy? I am guessing and I may be wrong but, if you had spent the summer without her your self confidence might be higher than it is right now?

"Has your self-confidence, and self-worth been affected by the way she has treated you? "

 

Hmm, that is a great question. And the answer is yes. Because I let it happen. I shouldn't become this upset because somebody didn't get around to returning a call and text.

 

She's a good person and only brings positive energy. But by default I'm so negative that I blow up everything she does. I think it's a miracle that she stuck around for so long. I think I've just been doing a great job of hiding my negativity from her.

 

My self-confidence has taken a hit because I feel like a failure for not being able to win her over. It was exactly the same thing last summer when I was after a different girl and she dropped me.

 

What makes up for it, is that I feel great when I'm actually with her. I feel like a real man. Even when I'm not crushing on a girl, I'm generally sad and hate seeing couples.

 

Right now I'm glad that we've spent the time together that we have.

 

Also the height thing? Get over it. 5'6" is not outlandishly short when the average male is 5'9".

Um, that's three inches shorter. It is a big deal, especially when there are men who are three inches taller than average.

 

You use height as a crutch.

 

We all have our crutches, we lean on them when faced with rejection. No matter if the actual reason we were rejected was because we lacked self confidence or were needy or something else we always say it was due to the crutch.

 

I haven't let my crutch go yet but, I am working on it. Can you let yours go?

If I used my height as a crutch, I wouldn't ask out anybody and that isn't the case.

 

I don't know why women reject me. All I know is that I keep hearing how height is important to them. I'm just putting two and two together.

 

The fact of the matter is, women are not physically attracted to me. I don't know if it's because of my height, my face, my hair or my body. Frankly I think all of those but my height are fine. So it's the only one I can point the finger at.

[olivec]

Frankly I don't see a point in moving on from her. It's not like anybody else likes me.

 

 

I know that.

 

But...I... can't... get... anybody.

 

It's not something I can fake.

 

 

I don't treat them like queens. I don't let them use me, I'm not needy and I don't contact them that much.

 

 

I don't have any close friends. I tried to get some last semester but I wasn't able to successfully become part of the group and I'm alone. The only person I spent any time with this summer is the f-ing girl. Nobody else was available.

 

 

I am very close to having a break down. When I do, these threads will tell the story why.

 

One girl isn't going to destroy my confidence, it's every girl I have ever liked combined. This girl is only the most recent one in a long string of failure.

 

I can see your the type of person who is very stubborn when things go wrong. Instead you should try to fix these problems. And dude you gotta stop contacting this girl asap! I mean it she has complete control over you , do you really want that. Next she'll be getting you to do her laundry and cook for her to. Bro you gotta stop acting like your 5 yrs olds and be a damn man. And 5/6 isn't a big deal, i'm 5/6 and i've dating women that were 5/10 before and had no problems. Basically even guys with the most confidence in the world with model good looks still had their hearts broken at one time or another. No one and i mean no is immuned from the heart break of love. You just gotta understand that you need to better yourself and learn from this and then start using the lessons you learned and get a new woman. If you continue this way your gunna never find anybody or you'll just continue to scare any potential women away who might wanna date you. And i know for fact you don't want that. So what i want you to do is dust your shoulders off and say "f" this chick and improve yourself and get back on the horse!

[somedude81]

I can see your the type of person who is very stubborn when things go wrong. Instead you should try to fix these problems. And dude you gotta stop contacting this girl asap! I mean it she has complete control over you , do you really want that. Next she'll be getting you to do her laundry and cook for her to. Bro you gotta stop acting like your 5 yrs olds and be a damn man.

No, I would never let her use me. I would quickly drop her if I felt that she was trying to take advantage of me. I have been used by several girls in the past and I don't let that sh*t happen to me anymore.

 

This girl wants nothing from me. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. At least she always appreciates the little things I do for her.

 

And 5/6 isn't a big deal, i'm 5/6 and i've dating women that were 5/10 before and had no problems.

Really?

 

What race are you and what girls do you go for?

 

Basically even guys with the most confidence in the world with model good looks still had their hearts broken at one time or another. No one and i mean no is immuned from the heart break of love. You just gotta understand that you need to better yourself and learn from this and then start using the lessons you learned and get a new woman.

I know that nobody is immune from heartbreak, but that's all I've ever gotten. There are so many things that I've missed out on.

 

With every girl I learn new lessons. But all I ever get from women is another learning experience. I'm f-ing tired of learning lessons and just want things to work out for once.

 

If you continue this way your gunna never find anybody or you'll just continue to scare any potential women away who might wanna date you. And i know for fact you don't want that. So what i want you to do is dust your shoulders off and say "f" this chick and improve yourself and get back on the horse!

I'm always trying to improve myself, but it really sucks that I never become good enough. It just tells me that everything I've done has just been a waste of my time and energy.

 

I don't know what else to do.

[iris219]

Somedude,

 

It sounds like you need to shift your focus.

 

Do you have friends who you hang out with regularly? Do you get out and socialize? You need to have a strong network of friends. That will take your focus off women and put it on hanging out and having fun. It sounds like you could use some fun that has nothing to do with a woman.

 

I don’t know what I would do without my friends. Having good friends increases your self-confidence because you know you have people who love you and accept you for who you are.

 

(You're also more likely to meet someone to date if you have a network of friends. You will meet friends of friends. You will go various places you might not have gone alone and possibly meet someone.)

Edited August 8, 2011 by iris219

[olivec]

No, I would never let her use me. I would quickly drop her if I felt that she was trying to take advantage of me. I have been used by several girls in the past and I don't let that sh*t happen to me anymore.

 

This girl wants nothing from me. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. At least she always appreciates the little things I do for her.

 

Really?

 

What race are you and what girls do you go for?

 

I know that nobody is immune from heartbreak, but that's all I've ever gotten. There are so many things that I've missed out on.

 

With every girl I learn new lessons. But all I ever get from women is another learning experience. I'm f-ing tired of learning lessons and just want things to work out for once.

 

I'm always trying to improve myself, but it really sucks that I never become good enough. It just tells me that everything I've done has just been a waste of my time and energy.

 

I don't know what else to do.

 

"what race am i?" Really? Really? lol. Dude i could be purple and still get ass its all about your approach. You know what I think you need professional help because "everybody" is telling you to forget this chick and move on and you keep acting like a whiney little baby. Keep acting like that and you'll "never" get any pussy "ever" again!

[somedude81]

Somedude,

 

It sounds like you need to shift your focus.

 

Do you have friends who you hang out with regularly? Do you get out and socialize? You need to have a strong network of friends. That will take your focus off women and put it on hanging out and having fun. It sounds like you could use some fun that has nothing to do with a woman.

 

I don’t know what I would do without my friends. Having good friends increases your self-confidence because you know you have people who love you and accept you for who you are.

 

(You're also more likely to meet someone to date if you have a network of friends. You will meet friends of friends. You will go various places you might not have gone alone and possibly meet someone.)

Nope, I don't have a network of friends. I tried to make some but things just didn't work out. I'll try again once school starts up, but for now It's just me.

"what race am i?" Really? Really? lol. Dude i could be purple and still get ass its all about your approach. You know what I think you need professional help because "everybody" is telling you to forget this chick and move on and you keep acting like a whiney little baby. Keep acting like that and you'll "never" get any pussy "ever" again!

Since you said you were 5'6 I was wondering what race you are and what girls you go after. It's more acceptable for certain races to be short than others.

 

I've already done the professional help thing. It didn't help.

 

And no, I have never gotten any pussy. I should be a virgin if I didn't go way out of my way to get laid.

 

Also, I've already talked about my approach. I know that what I do doesn't work and I don't know how to do it correctly.

Edited August 8, 2011 by somedude81

[betterdeal]

So what are you offering a woman?

[somedude81]

I'm loving, funny and giving. I got my own place and I'm going to college on a path to a good career. Plus I got a high sex drive and I really want to please a woman.

 

There are many places I want to go and things that I want to do, all I need is a partner.

 

On top of those things, what do women want? I know there is more that I offer that I can't think of.

[betterdeal]

That sounds like a promising start. What do you do with yourself, on a day to day basis? What do you do in a typical week?

[somedude81]

My day-to-day is either work or school. I work out at the gym, swim or go on a bike ride. I always take a dance class when college is in session.

 

Outside of those things, I'm usually at home not doing anything important.

 

There's not a lot of things that I like to do by myself, so I don't don't much.

[betterdeal]

You post here quite a bit. How many hours do you spend online, would you say?

[somedude81]

That really depends on if I work or have school that day.

 

I saw Planet of the Apes today and after that I've been home the entire day. I'm always checking my usual forums for some entertainment.

 

____

 

Just heard back from "my" girl. She can't hang out with me this week cause she's going to Vegas. I'm so jealous. I would love to go with her. I really want to do something fun with her before school starts.

[betterdeal]

Well, seems to me you're pretty normal, got the usual things going on. My advice would be to stop plugging for finding a serious relationship right now and spend a bit more time not giving a crap, but go out and do stuff elsewhere. Might be the library, the park, the pub, the garden.

 

Me, I love yoga. The positive vibes from classes really cheer me up, the endorphins and the improvement in posture, strength and flexibility all do too. Six months of it and some fairly regular cycling (for fun, not time trials or anything like that) and I feel much more whole, and loose, and unable to get too wound up about anything.

 

Also a change of diet has improved my mood and stability. That and adding a few innocuous hobbies, such as fish keeping and gardening. I get the impression you're seeing life as a linear progression, when in fact it's a multidimensional array of things all going on at the same time.

 

If you want to find a lover, you know what to do: circulate. Increase your surface area by increasing your presence in the world. But I don't think you do, particularly, hence you'e not going out and networking, and this current thing you have is just a diversion. It's easy to focus our feelings on a dead prospect because we know, deep down, it isn't going to change, so we can wallow in those feelings.

 

But once you realise this, it becomes easier to let it go, as it's just a façade, rather than the roadblock we try to make it out to be. Once you have a cry and let whatever feelings you have from that thing out, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted. Again, I found yoga to help loads with that, as a moving meditation, it has enabled me to loosen up and feel refreshed.

 

You're a bright guy. I'm sure you'll find your way in life. Just suspend your disbelief more often and try things out.

[HeavenOrHell]

My partner's 5'7" and I've never thought of him as short, and I don't think you are either. I've never used the word 'tall' ever in describing or thinking of my ideal partner.

You're still focussed on your looks

Coming across as warm and friendly is a massive turn on for me, one of the biggest turn ons in fact, I think warm and friendly does come across as seeming interested.

 

 

 

I'm 5'6. I know it doesn't seem like I'm that short. But what is the first word women use to describe their ideal man? Tall.

 

I'm also not that good looking. Combine that with my height, and women are just not physically attracted to me. There isn't much I can do when girls aren't attracted.

 

I don't think confidence really has much to do with my issues. It's that I'm not smooth and don't know how to talk to women in a way that's attractive to them. I just come across as friendly and warm. That doesn't turn women on. That's what I meant by coming across as I'm not interested.

 

Women are quick to write me off as the buddy and often get surprised when they realize that I wanted to be more than friends.

[HeavenOrHell]

Excellent advice!

 

 

 

Well, seems to me you're pretty normal, got the usual things going on. My advice would be to stop plugging for finding a serious relationship right now and spend a bit more time not giving a crap, but go out and do stuff elsewhere. Might be the library, the park, the pub, the garden.

 

Me, I love yoga. The positive vibes from classes really cheer me up, the endorphins and the improvement in posture, strength and flexibility all do too. Six months of it and some fairly regular cycling (for fun, not time trials or anything like that) and I feel much more whole, and loose, and unable to get too wound up about anything.

 

Also a change of diet has improved my mood and stability. That and adding a few innocuous hobbies, such as fish keeping and gardening. I get the impression you're seeing life as a linear progression, when in fact it's a multidimensional array of things all going on at the same time.

 

If you want to find a lover, you know what to do: circulate. Increase your surface area by increasing your presence in the world. But I don't think you do, particularly, hence you'e not going out and networking, and this current thing you have is just a diversion. It's easy to focus our feelings on a dead prospect because we know, deep down, it isn't going to change, so we can wallow in those feelings.

 

But once you realise this, it becomes easier to let it go, as it's just a façade, rather than the roadblock we try to make it out to be. Once you have a cry and let whatever feelings you have from that thing out, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted. Again, I found yoga to help loads with that, as a moving meditation, it has enabled me to loosen up and feel refreshed.

 

You're a bright guy. I'm sure you'll find your way in life. Just suspend your disbelief more often and try things out.