I feel like crap

[somedude81]

The simple reason why I haven't posted the lessons I learned, is because I don't want to.

 

Doing so would require thinking about the girls in my past and about how things went wrong. I rather not do that now.

 

Just for the heck I'll post one.

 

Never let a girl borrow your car.

 

Anyways, today is my dance class. I noticed last class that a couple of girls were acting different with me last time I saw them. I'm going to see if there might be something more.

[Teknoe]

Sorry, Teknoe.

I didn't mean to ignore you.

Maybe SD's focusing on another aspect of the situation, for which journaling is not a part.

 

If I may...

 

In the past, I saw a therapist for insight, and sometimes, just for 50 minutes of b.s..

She'd offer help and suggestions.

I took some and left others that didn't particularly resonate with me.

 

She wasn't offended, nor did she ask me about those I didn't choose to implement.

She kept a healthy emotional detachment that allowed interaction without guilt or pressure.

I, in turn, was allowed to steer things in a direction that worked best given my emotional and psychological constructs at the time.

It was a productive relationship.

 

So, I'm wondering if your passion and methods aren't butting up against SD's and frustration is the result for both of you.

Dunno, really.

But you strike me as a genuinely caring individual, so I hoped to offer a bit of food for thought.

Healthy detachment.

It's very useful.

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I guess I got suckered back in again, heh. I just don't get why he ignores important questions like that, especially when it's directly based off something he shared (he mentioned he's been learning many lessons from his past crushes... it's natural someone would ask "May you clarify and specify the lessons specifically?").

 

In your case I will say you and your therapist had the benefit of seeing each other face to face. I think if I met with SD81 face to face, things would be "more calm" "more supportive" "more loving." It's just so difficult keeping patient when you're online and they can ignore anything they so choose. In person they have to at least confront it somehow.

 

Anyway, I really hope the best for our friend, SD81. He seems like a decent dude deep down. Just needs some shift in his thought life to bring out the better version of himself.

[Teknoe]

Doing so would require thinking about the girls in my past and about how things went wrong. I rather not do that now.

 

Point taken and understood. Just also understand this other viewpoint, and perhaps you can do this privately at a later time when you're ready for it, it's often healthy to confront our past demons (so to speak), see what went wrong without condemning ourselves (very important), and learn from those mistakes to know what to do and what not to do.

 

Burying issues from the past under a rug hoping it's over with will only catch up with you in the end. Better to make sense of it and grasp it now rather than later. Having said that, I understand you feel the way you do now and you're entitled to that. At the same time just wanted you to know too that there is another school of thought, and it's one that a lot of people have employed in order to get healthier and enjoy life more. It can be very cleansing. Just bear that in mind.

[cerridwen]

The simple reason why I haven't posted the lessons I learned, is because I don't want to.

 

Doing so would require thinking about the girls in my past and about how things went wrong. I rather not do that now.

 

Just for the heck I'll post one.

 

Never let a girl borrow your car.

 

Anyways, today is my dance class. I noticed last class that a couple of girls were acting different with me last time I saw them. I'm going to see if there might be something more

 

Nice!

Throw a little something extra into your hip moves, SD!

Make those girls glad they didn't skip class!

 

Point taken and understood. Just also understand this other viewpoint, and perhaps you can do this privately at a later time when you're ready for it, it's often healthy to confront our past demons (so to speak), see what went wrong without condemning ourselves (very important), and learn from those mistakes to know what to do and what not to do.

 

Burying issues from the past under a rug hoping it's over with will only catch up with you in the end. Better to make sense of it and grasp it now rather than later. Having said that, I understand you feel the way you do now and you're entitled to that. At the same time just wanted you to know too that there is another school of thought, and it's one that a lot of people have employed in order to get healthier and enjoy life more. It can be very cleansing. Just bear that in mind.

 

Wise words, Teknoe.

I wrestled with that recently and wasted a whole day wallowing in unfounded guilt.

Thanks for giving us readers something to think about.

[Teknoe]

[/b]Wise words, Teknoe.

I wrestled with that recently and wasted a whole day wallowing in unfounded guilt.

Thanks for giving us readers something to think about.

 

Yeah so have I. Life is unfair. Sometimes it really is. Other times it's moreso in your head. Everyone's gonna have their fair share of crappy days. But life as we know is not about whether we get knocked down or not (coz we all do), it's about if we decide to lay flat on the ground or do we get up?

 

Some days we just want to lie on the ground. I'd even say some days doing that is actually a GOOD thing. But you can't stay lying down FOREVER. Eventually, you're gonna have to get up. If you don't, your life will just pass you by.

 

That's the thing about time. It always wins. It never stops. It never waits for anyone.

 

And I've found in my experience, the longer you allow yourself to believe the lies and lay down defeated, after a while it just becomes easier to accept that as your fate, your lot in life, and to just remain stuck there. Because while it is crappy, change is even scarier and with change comes the potential to feel worse.

 

I feel like this applies to SD81 currently. I want him to get up. But ultimately, it comes down to whether HE wants to or not. More than just desire, it also has to come through in his ACTIONS.

 

He's been saying a lot of things in this thread.

 

But words are useless until you start applying some sort of action plan.

 

i.e. I want to lose 20 pounds, but I'm not going to exercise and I'll still eat fast food 3x a week.

 

I want to lose weight. Great.

 

But I don't do anything to bring about that change. Not so great.

 

Rootin' and prayin' for sd81.

[somedude81]

Something different.

 

She asked if she can bring a friend. I replied "Can I ask why? Afraid I'm going to club you and take you to my cave?"

 

She gave me a LOL and said that her friend asked first.

 

So I'll be having lunch and then hanging out with her and her friend tomorrow. I wonder if there is any way I can use this situation to my advantage?

[tman666]

Something different.

 

She asked if she can bring a friend. I replied "Can I ask why? Afraid I'm going to club you and take you to my cave?"

 

She gave me a LOL and said that her friend asked first.

 

So I'll be having lunch and then hanging out with her and her friend tomorrow. I wonder if there is any way I can use this situation to my advantage?

 

If the friend is a female, you should be prepared to flirt and put on your best showing. If it all goes super well, you might even want to ask her out (if you're interested in her). If the friend isn't someone you're interested in, just treat her as a friend. Chat, maybe casually flirt, but don't overtly hit on her. Just be pleasant.

 

FYI, the only other way you could use this situation to your advantage is to flirt with the friend to make the other girl jealous, but that would really only work if she was interested in you, which from the information you've shared, she's not.

 

I would instead treat it as an opportunity to work towards a date with the friend. If she's not someone you're interested in (or if she's obviously not interested in you), at least try to befriend her so you can maybe have an in someday with her social circle, thus expanding your opportunities.

 

If her friend is male, then you're out of luck.

[somedude81]

It's a female friend whom I've never met. It would actully be the first time I've met any of her female friends.

 

Yeah I can joke around with her but I don't think I'm going to actually hit on her. I just want to make a good impression.

 

Would they talk about me after I've left?

Edited September 27, 2011 by somedude81

[tman666]

It's a female friend whom I've never met.

 

Yeah I can joke around with her but I don't think I'm going to actually hit on her. I just want to make a good impression.

 

Would they talk about me after I've left?

 

Well, hitting on her might be a little strong, yes.

 

You SHOULD be ready to flirt with her and compliment her though. Not in a sleazy way, but a charming way. Don't lay it on too thick. You'll be able to tell by her reaction whether or not she's ok with it or not.

[tman666]

Would they talk about me after I've left?

 

If they're NOT talking about you later on, you've failed.

[turnera]

Sounds good. Remember, girls want guys who are upbeat, confident, see the fun in everything, have a great sense of humor, and don't take things too seriously. Really, we don't want serious men, at least not at first; that's scary. Show them both that you're just out to have fun.

[tman666]

Hey Somedude, T-Nation posted this article by powerlifter/bodybuilder Matt Kroczaleski: http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/most_recent/choices

 

I feel that its message is pertinent to your situation (as well as being applicable, in my opinion, to everything in life).

[somedude81]

Sigh, nothing good happened today.

 

Right after I got out to class she sent me a text telling me that she has an essay to write that's do tomorrow, so she'd only be able to eat and run. Knowing that I'd want more time with her I'd told her we'd reschedule for next week. No real sense in getting together for 30 min or less and having to buy food on campus.

 

Several hours later my last class ends and I'm waiting on the bus stop on campus. Then she comes walking by on her way to a class. She's in a hurry and has no time to talk and I can't walk with her or else I'd miss my bus. We exchange a few words and she's off.

 

Ugh, it feels like fate is toying with me. Knowing that I wanted to really talk to her today, it makes sure that I won't be able to have enough time to do so. And just to tease me I'm able to get a glimpse of her. Which is all I needed to get her stuck in my head.

 

Sigh, again.

[AHardDaysNight]

Please let go of this oneitis. It is unhealthy, but you know that.

 

You are only torturing yourself. She is not interested in you.

[Eclypse]

Your problem is you focus too much on one girl at a time. You become fixated. I was the same as you before. Guess my success rate? 0. It became much easier to get hookups after I learned to not try so hard, even from girls who previously rejected me. That was particularly sweet.

 

Desperation shows, and women can sense it. You say repeatedly that you don't give off that vibe, but I am certain you do. Otherwise why would you be here feverishly analyzing every interaction with her. You know she's not into you so why do you keep forcing it? Would you feel comfortable if a girl you wernt into kept organizing one on one "semi" dates hoping you'll change your mind and make a move?

 

Maybe you need to change your dating pool. I'm 21 and probably wouldn't go for 30 year old woman. We wouldn't have much in common. Maybe these 20 year old girls are a bit creeped out. In any case somethings not working so you'll need to change it before you get success.

[somedude81]

Your problem is you focus too much on one girl at a time. You become fixated. I was the same as you before. Guess my success rate? 0. It became much easier to get hookups after I learned to not try so hard, even from girls who previously rejected me. That was particularly sweet.

I've been at this game a long time. I know that if I don't try, I won't get anything. I'm not the kind of guy that women are drawn to, so I have to force everything.

 

Even when I don't focus on only one girl at a time I still don't get anything. Last semester I was rejected by 5 girls I was acquaintances with in one month.

Desperation shows, and women can sense it. You say repeatedly that you don't give off that vibe, but I am certain you do. Otherwise why would you be here feverishly analyzing every interaction with her.

OK, how are those two statements connected at all?

Would you feel comfortable if a girl you wernt into kept organizing one on one "semi" dates hoping you'll change your mind and make a move?

If she's so uncomfortable then why does she even do it at all?

 

I was at her house Friday from 12 AM till about 8:30 PM...

 

She still wanted to get lunch today but probably felt a little guilty for having to eat and run so she gave me a heads up. She's obviously terrified of me.

Maybe you need to change your dating pool. I'm 21 and probably wouldn't go for 30 year old woman. We wouldn't have much in common. Maybe these 20 year old girls are a bit creeped out. In any case somethings not working so you'll need to change it before you get success.

Girls generally have no problem dating older men I also look much younger than I am. I've got a hell of a lot more in common with ~22 year old girl than a 30 year old woman.

 

Damn right something is not working. It hasn't been working for the 17 years that I've been interested in girls.

Edited September 29, 2011 by somedude81

[somedude81]

Hey Somedude, T-Nation posted this article by powerlifter/bodybuilder Matt Kroczaleski: http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/most_recent/choices

 

I feel that its message is pertinent to your situation (as well as being applicable, in my opinion, to everything in life).

I read the first few paragraphs and it already pissed me off.

 

First, one must assume all responsibility for everything that's happened or has failed to happen to them.

Bullsh*t.

 

So much crap has happened to me me that f-ed up my life which I wasn't responsible for at all.

 

Of course the stock response is, the past is the past, forget it and move on.

 

Never mind that it completely shaped who I am today and I can never forget and move on from the physical things.

 

Ugh, I'm getting myself too worked up and getting a head ache.

[betterdeal]

What style of dance do you do? I used to be a raver and loved dancing - it was the only time I didn't think. Tried tango once on a date and that was fun, but I do mean to take up something - maybe tango, maybe salsa - when I've finished moving house.

[somedude81]

[more excuses and pride/ego/inability to humble myself clouding my better judgment]

why even try anymore, people?

 

it's obvious whenever he makes a TINY step forward, he goes and takes 10 huge steps back.

Thanks Teknoe. Can always count on you to say something funny

 

What style of dance do you do? I used to be a raver and loved dancing - it was the only time I didn't think. Tried tango once on a date and that was fun, but I do mean to take up something - maybe tango, maybe salsa - when I've finished moving house.

Salsa and various social dances.

 

My favorite dances are Salsa, Swing, Waltz and Tango. Salsa is by far my best dance. It has the benifit that as long as the woman knows the basic steps and how to turn you can do a lot of things with her. So it's great for beginner girls. When a girl knows what she's doing and doesn't have some crazy motions, it's amazing how smooth things can go.

 

I just learned that the on-campus salsa club meetings got changed to Tuesday nights so I'm going to try and convince her to go with me. Just once I'd like to show her what I can do.

 

Structured couples dancing is the only dance I'm kind of good at. I don't like dancing by myself and I don't know how to dance in a club with a girl. For some reason there aren't any How to Grind classes.

[betterdeal]

Make it up as you go along. I found that, as long as you're happy to make a fool of yourself and laugh it off, just about *anything* works. Well, works for me Then at some point the beast inside wakes up. Sometimes. Something to do with being comfortable in your own body someone told me.

[AHardDaysNight]

I like dancing, even though I'm not any good at it.

 

One of the best quotes I've ever heard was, "Dance like nobody's watching." Or something like that. It's very true. Dancing is supposed to be fun, not something that you get self conscious over.

[Eclypse]

 

Desperation shows, and women can sense it. You say repeatedly that you don't give off that vibe, but I am certain you do. Otherwise why would you be here feverishly analyzing every interaction with her.

 

 

OK, how are those two statements connected at all?

 

 

Because it's unconscious. You think you aren't doing it, but you are. I was obsessive to the point where I would count the number of "x" and "o" she left after a text. I'd post on loveshack (other accounts that I've forgotten the passwords to now ages ago). I would organise movie outings, lunches, anything to hang out. When I told her how I felt she said she only saw me as a friend. She also said she knew for ages that I had a crush on her, but didn't want to make things awkward with us. This happened with a number of girls.

 

I'm not trying to have a go at you. I know how you feel, believe me how I know you feel. So many outings where I was trying to find the right moment to kiss them and then always backing out at the last moment. It sucks a lot. I am sure you can relate to it. I put in so much effort and devotion into each one and every time I got shot down it was like a piece of my soul had crushed. It gets harder and harder to climb the mountain each time. Putting yourself out there and your feelings on the line. It's much easier to slide into a place you're comfortable at and just sit there.

 

You'll have to change something, and only you can find out what. I hope you find it and that love finds you. I think everyone deserves love and companionship in their life. Perhaps though I am viewing things differently to you. I have almost 10 years less life experience than you after all.

[turnera]

You want her to go to dancing with you because you think it will make YOU look good.

 

She doesn't want to go because she thinks it will make HER look BAD. (i.e., bad dancer)

 

So...you'd rather drag her somewhere where she will feel bad, just to boost YOUR ego?

 

Great dating partner, there.

[turnera]

Look. I get that you want her to be impressed with you. And you think if you could just show her your dance moves, she'd be swept off her feet. But women don't work that way - it's not a competition like it is with men. They HATE men who show off.

 

Women look for a man they feel safe with. Who makes them feel good about themselves. Who actually listens to her (women like to talk) and CARES about what she's talking about. Who asks her about herself and her goals and dreams and her day and her feelings. Who is confident enough about himself that he doesn't HAVE to show off (women HATE men who show off), but rather just enjoys being in his own skin, has a sense of humor, does NOT stress about things, just wants to enjoy the evening, is NOT just looking to get laid...who makes her feel safe.

 

Follow that, and she'll like you.

[tman666]

I read the first few paragraphs and it already pissed me off.

 

 

Bullsh*t.

 

So much crap has happened to me me that f-ed up my life which I wasn't responsible for at all.

 

Of course the stock response is, the past is the past, forget it and move on.

 

Never mind that it completely shaped who I am today and I can never forget and move on from the physical things.

 

Ugh, I'm getting myself too worked up and getting a head ache.

 

I'm sorry that you were too pissed off after the first few paragraphs to finish the article. It's a shame that you failed to grasp what he's talking about and that you are unable to apply similar concepts to your own life.

 

Perhaps the fact that you were unable to complete it is telling, in and of itself?

 

Also, I'm curious as to what happened to you that "f-ed up your life", that you weren't responsible for. I'm not calling you a liar, btw. Just trying to gain perspective.