I feel like crap

[turnera]

Not only will it not attract her to you, she will KNOW you are trying to show off, and it will make her NOT LIKE YOU.

[somedude81]

Because it's unconscious. You think you aren't doing it, but you are.

Doing what?

 

I know I'm obsessing over her. But I'm doing my best to not let any of that transmit to her. She hasn't freaked out yet.

 

I would organise movie outings, lunches, anything to hang out. When I told her how I felt she said she only saw me as a friend. She also said she knew for ages that I had a crush on her, but didn't want to make things awkward with us. This happened with a number of girls.

Same for me. I've been told by several girls that they only saw me as a friend and that they didn't like me that way. The only difference between what's happening now and with with them, is that I was friends with those girls for some time before I confessed my feelings. Then the friendship quickly fell apart. This girl has known that I liked her from the very start. She knows that every time I want to hang out is because I want to date her. For some reason that hasn't stopped her from wanting to spend time with me.

 

 

 

I'm not trying to have a go at you. I know how you feel, believe me how I know you feel. So many outings where I was trying to find the right moment to kiss them and then always backing out at the last moment. It sucks a lot. I am sure you can relate to it. I put in so much effort and devotion into each one and every time I got shot down it was like a piece of my soul had crushed. It gets harder and harder to climb the mountain each time. Putting yourself out there and your feelings on the line. It's much easier to slide into a place you're comfortable at and just sit there.

Yeah I agree with you. It is easy just to stay where I'm comfortable and I'm guilty of doing that with her. I have a million excuses for why I haven't tried to do anything to her in a while. I' just notice little things she does and tell myself, "no, now is not the time, I'll try later"

 

One thing I do want to say, is that I have no experience at all with making moves on girls. I've only kissed one girl in my entire life and she actually told me that she wanted to kiss me before we went out. For our first kiss I think she told me to do something. Obviously it's very rare that something like that will happen.

You'll have to change something, and only you can find out what. I hope you find it and that love finds you. I think everyone deserves love and companionship in their life. Perhaps though I am viewing things differently to you. I have almost 10 years less life experience than you after all.

What I need to change is stop being so scared. I'm too focused on the future and how things can go wrong. That applies to her, and other girls I could be interested in.

[turnera]

Which...leads back to you needing to stop obsessing about girls and instead fixate on working on your self esteem. There are thousands of ways you can be doing that; why not invest some time and effort on it?

[somedude81]

You want her to go to dancing with you because you think it will make YOU look good.

 

She doesn't want to go because she thinks it will make HER look BAD. (i.e., bad dancer)

 

So...you'd rather drag her somewhere where she will feel bad, just to boost YOUR ego?

 

Great dating partner, there.

 

Look. I get that you want her to be impressed with you. And you think if you could just show her your dance moves, she'd be swept off her feet. But women don't work that way - it's not a competition like it is with men. They HATE men who show off.

 

AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN. SD has this fantasy that if she could just see him on the dance floor, all will go well. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. If a girl is not attracted to you at all... nothing you can do will change her mind. Certainly not a couple decent dance moves.

 

Not only will it not attract her to you, she will KNOW you are trying to show off, and it will make her NOT LIKE YOU.

LOL! You guys are hilarious.

 

I'll break it down for you guys.

 

Couples dancing is something that is fun for me and I enjoy. I like her and I would like to dance with her. Any person who has a hobby they enjoy would like to do it with somebody they like .

 

The only time she's actually danced was during her prom 3-4 years ago and even then it wasn't really dancing. Right now she thinks that she won't enjoy it. But there is a chance that if she danced with me she might have fun. Maybe she won't, only way to find out is to try.

 

I have no goal of trying to seduce her with dance moves. That's just stupid. I'm just at a point where I'm good enough that things won't be that clumsy with her and I can teach her how to move.

 

You guys really ought to be less negative.

 

Women look for a man they feel safe with. Who makes them feel good about themselves. Who actually listens to her (women like to talk) and CARES about what she's talking about. Who asks her about herself and her goals and dreams and her day and her feelings. Who is confident enough about himself that he doesn't HAVE to show off (women HATE men who show off), but rather just enjoys being in his own skin, has a sense of humor, does NOT stress about things, just wants to enjoy the evening, is NOT just looking to get laid...who makes her feel safe.

 

Follow that, and she'll like you.

I do all of that with her. I know what her goals and dreams are. When we talk it's almost always about her. I don't have to show off. Heck most of the time when we play videogames she actually beats me and I'm mostly fine about that

 

Not once have I tried to get her to have sex with me or kiss me. I know where her limits are.

[Beachgirl8]

 

Girls generally have no problem dating older men I also look much younger than I am. I've got a hell of a lot more in common with ~22 year old girl than a 30 year old woman.

 

 

Why rule out women your own age? Or even a little older?

[somedude81]

Why rule out women your own age? Or even a little older?

Number one reason; where am I supposed to meet them?

 

I'm a full-time student at a university and 90% of the girls are 18-22.

[somedude81]

Asking how doesn't mean I actually did anything, now does it?

[turnera]

Here's the thing. You like to dance. She doesn't. You want her to go. She doesn't want to go. End of discussion. If you're happy doing what she wants to do, fine, keep doing it. If you're unhappy because she won't do what you want, find someone else. She's obviously not into you enough that she would do something she doesn't want to do.

[somedude81]

Here's the thing. You like to dance. She doesn't. You want her to go. She doesn't want to go. End of discussion. If you're happy doing what she wants to do, fine, keep doing it. If you're unhappy because she won't do what you want, find someone else. She's obviously not into you enough that she would do something she doesn't want to do.

We'll see about that.

I knew you'd say that.

No sh*t.

 

What else could I have said?

[turnera]

I want you to succeed with her. But for NOW, she's not into you that way, so don't push something on her she's already told you she doesn't want. That will turn her off because it tells her you're not listening to her. Talk about how much fun it is, tell her about open house nights or whatever, but don't invite her. For now.

[somedude81]

Last time I invited her was via text and her reply was something like.

 

"Over my dead body, maybe LOL"

 

After a few more messages she told me that she has a night class on that day and wouldn't be able to go.

 

Now that the club meets on a different night, I might as well invite her again. It's not going to upset her.

[somedude81]

I'm done with you Teknoe. Please stop posting in this thread.

[cerridwen]

Did you know sharks kill only ten people each year?

By contrast, one is ten times more likely to die under the feet of ordinary cows who fatally trample around 100 people every 12 months.

 

Interesting.

 

[somedude81]

I didn't know so many people where killed by cows each year. They are a dangerous animal and should be killed and eaten. Beef, it's what's for dinner.

 

LOL cerri, you're so random.

[cerridwen]

Hmmmmm..?

What's that now?

 

I'm sorry.

I was just leafing through this magazine here, remaining emotionally detached.

Everyone should try it.

 

So many interesting animal facts...

Edited September 30, 2011 by cerridwen

[PelicanPete]

Thing is, I understand completely where Teknoe is coming from. This thread just pisses me off to be honest.

 

This guys got 34 pages in replies on all kinds of ideas of how he can fix his problems and improve himself, he's got endless support from all sorts of posters all wanting him to succeed, yet he either chooses to ignore the input that challenges his thinking, or find some sort of flaw with someones suggestion and reject it.

 

In my opinion, when you ask for help you are basically surrendering that issue as your sole responsibility. You are wanting to share your problem with someone else so that you can both look for solutions towards it. These people have chosen to burden themselves with your issues, therefore I feel you owe the people that stopped and helped you the respect to at least consider, listen, and give their suggestions a fair shot, not beat around the bush or ignore them. Your problem is no longer yours alone, it becomes other peoples problem when you ask for help.

 

I agree emotional detachment is beneficial and easy to do in a therapy type situation simply because even if the patient pulls a SD81, the therapist still gets paid in the end. But any decent therapist will develop some sort of emotional attachment toward their patient simply because they want them to succeed. It just shows they care about your overall well being, and since you generally talk about deep and personal issues in therapy, that would definitely be a quality I would want in a therapist.

 

With that said. Teknoe, as sad as it is the only person that can help SD is himself. No one can help someone with an emotional problem that doesn't want to be helped, and SD is too preoccupied trying to swim in his river of tears then look for a life preserver. Although you care about the outcome of his situation, he has shown to you and many others that he doesn't deserve your time.

[somedude81]

My issue is that people are tying to give me a type of help that I'm not asking for.

 

I don't have any issue with the vast majority of people who've posted in this thread. And I've received some great advice and insight.

 

The problem comes when people think that their way is right and try to shove it down my throat. Don't be surprised if I throw it up and don't want anymore of that.

[turnera]

Tell me again...what IS IT that you are asking for?

[somedude81]

Tell me again...what IS IT that you are asking for?

Good question.

 

This thread is long and old. What I want from it changes each passing day.

 

Right now my main interest is the girl. I appreciate all feedback and advice that is related to her. Everything is welcome as long as it's more than, "drop her bro."

 

I'm also interested in anything posted about women in general as I simply don't understand them. Stuff about dating is also good.

 

This thread is also my place to vent when I've had a bad day. Mainly it's just me talking out loud.

 

There have been some good posts that calmed me down at certain moments when I was obsessing over little things.

 

As I said before, what I want from this thread can change each day, but the main goals are always there.

[ptp]

Good question.

 

This thread is long and old. What I want from it changes each passing day.

 

Right now my main interest is the girl. I appreciate all feedback and advice that is related to her. Everything is welcome as long as it's more than, "drop her bro."

 

I'm also interested in anything posted about women in general as I simply don't understand them. Stuff about dating is also good.

 

This thread is also my place to vent when I've had a bad day. Mainly it's just me talking out loud.

 

There have been some good posts that calmed me down at certain moments when I was obsessing over little things.

 

As I said before, what I want from this thread can change each day, but the main goals are always there.

 

That is like a drug addict creating a thread asking for help on how to quit his addiction. Then complaining when everybody tells him to stop doing drugs and go in to rehab.

 

Well that is the only way things will get better and that is why everybody tells you the same thing over and over again.

 

I am not sure what solution or advice you are looking for. It seems like you want a magical revelation or some unique advice that will get her to like and respect you . "Dropping her" is the only correct course of action and multiple people have given you the same advice.

Edited September 30, 2011 by ptp

[turnera]

dude, the best advice I can give you is to convince yourself that whether or not you get her in the end is NOT the end-all/be-all of your life. You're young. You have a career and a new life ahead of you. You'll have tons of opportunities to meet new people and your future mate. This one may be her, she may not. So just relax, don't take it so seriously, and just have fun. You seem about 50/50 to doing that, so that's good. Keep doing what's fun for you. The dance class is a great thing, and so would any other interests - the more things you're out doing, the more chances you have to make new friends and meet new girls.

 

And consider volunteering. It not only looks great on your resume, but it allows you to meet women who have similar morals and likes, so that you're more likely to find a good connection with one of them. Even if it's one afternoon a month, charities are always grateful for any help you can give. Try this to find something you enjoy near you: http://www.volunteermatch.org/?gclid=CJ-19vyHxasCFYlM4Aod5B4h3g

[somedude81]

The reason that is seems like I'm treating her as the "end-all/be-all" is because I'm starting to get very scared about my future. I've been rejected by every girl I've ever liked. That's somewhere around 15-20 girls since I was 13. So if this girl gives me a hard rejection and making me move on, I have little hope that the next one won't reject me either.

 

I'm very tried of meeting and getting to know new girls. It's just a pointless, exhausting cycle of repeating failure.

 

There are three girls in my dance class that I'm considering asking out, but because on my life experiences, I'm pretty sure that they will all say no.

[Beachgirl8]

The reason that is seems like I'm treating her as the "end-all/be-all" is because I'm starting to get very scared about my future. I've been rejected by every girl I've ever liked. That's somewhere around 15-20 girls since I was 13. So if this girl gives me a hard rejection and making me move on, I have little hope that the next one won't reject me either.

 

I'm very tried of meeting and getting to know new girls. It's just a pointless, exhausting cycle of repeating failure.

 

There are three girls in my dance class that I'm considering asking out, but because on my life experiences, I'm pretty sure that they will all say no.

 

It seems like this girl has already rejected you for dating and just wants to be friends- so why push the issue? That will just alienate her and make your friendship dissipate. Enlist HER as your winggirl! On the chance that she does see you in a romantic way, she will not want to help you find a girl and will make her feelings known. But if you go at her directly, if she doesn't see you that way, it will make things awkward.

 

I also think you are fishing in the wrong pond. I get that you are still in college and are surrounded by young girls- but you are 30. One of the suggestions above was to volunteer- that's a good way to meet girls who arendt age appropriate for you. Another way would to be to get a part time job off campus- like in a restaurant as a server or host. Waitstaff are notorious for dating each other. And I don't want to hear that you wouldn't be interested or have anything in common with a 30 year old waitress. Many people do that job as a second job to supplement their income, or in transition periods when they are interviewing for "real" jobs, etc.

 

So there you have 3 totally doable suggestions. Don't let yourself get all depressed or worked up emotionally. Take action.

[tman666]

The reason that is seems like I'm treating her as the "end-all/be-all" is because I'm starting to get very scared about my future. I've been rejected by every girl I've ever liked. That's somewhere around 15-20 girls since I was 13. So if this girl gives me a hard rejection and making me move on, I have little hope that the next one won't reject me either.

 

I'm very tried of meeting and getting to know new girls. It's just a pointless, exhausting cycle of repeating failure.

 

There are three girls in my dance class that I'm considering asking out, but because on my life experiences, I'm pretty sure that they will all say no.

 

I know you're tired of hearing this, but you need to chill out man! Relax!

 

If I remember correctly, you're approaching graduating with your degree. You're presumably going to be going out and finding a career in your field. It's a great opportunity to make new friends, move someplace different, pick up new hobbies, and reinvent yourself, so to speak. You can leave your past failures in the past!

 

The months approaching graduation can be stressful (which could be exaggerating your sense of hopelessness). Try to look at it as a great chance for a fresh start.

[Beachgirl8]

I meant to say, "who ARE age appropriate". Sorry typing on my phone.

 

Also, I don't eat cows