I feel like crap

[Teknoe]

Did I mention that I absolutely hate myself?

 

You do know that girls can smell that a MILE away, right? That's the core reason why you're not getting the kind of success you want. Just ask yourself this: If you were a single girl, would you honestly date a guy like you?

 

I moved out of my hometown to a city where I have no friends and family to go to school, I joined a couple of sports teams, learned to dance, tried to learn a musical instrument, took Japanese for two years, picked up surfing, became very involved in a campus club, tried to pledge a frat.

 

All of those things were out of my comfort zone.

 

Perhaps so, but there is also a difference between doing things out of your comfort zone with a good positive attitude and really GOING FOR IT versus merely trying it, going through the motions just to be able to cite that you "did it"

 

We can't tell how hard a go you gave these things... but what from we DO know, you have no real friends to speak of. And these social activities, if one gives it their best, I find it difficult to believe you wouldn't have made at least one or two decent friends from these activities.

 

You admitted having a social circle is important, but you don't have one AT ALL. Yet you tried all those different activities. Something's a little off, sorry to say. I'm getting the feeling you didn't REALLY try, which perfectly transitions to...

 

 

I've been to a couple Toastmasters meetings. I didn't find it anything special.

 

Again, you didn't REALLY try this. You sat in a couple meetings, perhaps you felt intimidated, you went home and chalked it up to "I didn't find it anything special."

 

You seem quick to shut off/down. You're quick to write off self-improvement ideas. Ironically, you're NOT so quick to write off this girl situation, which is clearly dead in the water. There is definitely something psychological going on here.

 

You need to set up a meeting with a real life therapist, and commit to seeing him or her once a week. I know some churches do free counseling. It wouldn't hurt for you to do some quick Google work, call a local church and ask if they provide free counseling.

 

Just call ANY therapist. Because you need it. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I know a LOT of GOOD, quality people who see therapists. Life is tough, man. Sometimes we all need a shoulder to cry on, and a helping ear to hear us out.

 

GO TO THERAPY AGAIN.

[somedude81]

Dude if you're so full of rage why not grab her and kiss her?

 

The entire timing a txt to upset her around her mom seems pretty lame even for you.

 

Stop holding onto the fact your mom may or may not think you are a decent guy its the daughter you're trying to date.

Kind of hard to do that when I haven't seen her in two weeks.

 

F*cking text messages. The bane of modern life.

 

Better to become a scrum half and take it out on the opposition. If you have rugby there. Or whatever contact sports you have.

I'm too small for any contact sport.

 

I played a form of American football that was supposed to be less contact and I still got hurt a couple of times.

 

Remember that I'm a 5'6 runt, I'm at a severe disadvantage in most competitive sports.

[fortyninethousand322]

Kind of hard to do that when I haven't seen her in two weeks.

 

 

I'm too small for any contact sport.

 

I played a form of American football that was supposed to be less contact and I still got hurt a couple of times.

 

Remember that I'm a 5'6 runt, I'm at a severe disadvantage in most competitive sports.

 

Two words: Darren Sproles. Google him. Then tell me 5'6" is too short to play football.

 

You're only as small as you let yourself be.

[somedude81]

That really isn't going to help me when I get tackled by 6' guys.

 

I played about 4 games of "no-contact" flag football and had enough.

[Els]

I still think you and Titania should get together.

[somedude81]

Heh, she does seem like a cool person. But no offense to her, she's out of my age range. Never mind the fact that we are super far from each other.

 

There are actually a couple of women on LS that I could be interested in who are living in the US. But the distance is still too much. I want to be able to see somebody on at least a weekly basis. I wouldn't be adverse to a fling, but real feelings can't be involved.

[turnera]

FOO = family of origin

 

Dude it’s all in your head.

SD, this is the culmination of all these pages.

 

Nothing is going to change until you like yourself.

 

You aren't going to like yourself until you get professional help and KEEP going (or trying different counselors) until something clicks. Is it easy? Hell, no. But good therapists will give you work to do (like we're trying to do), tell you to fake it til you make it (because that's how you start to change), and fine-tune their advice. And there are hundreds of different ADs; if your doctor didn't tinker around with them until he found the combination that worked (as most have to do), then he was a bad doctor (or you didn't push the issue, rather just gave up on them and quit). Have another try.

 

NOTHING is going to change until you like yourself. And you aren't just going to wake up one morning liking yourself. It takes work, it takes help, it takes doing things differently. I applaud you for trying all those classes and stuff but look at the underlying aspect of it: throughout it all, you still say you HAVE NO MALE FRIENDS. You ONLY TALK TO FEMALES.

 

SD, this is not normal. It's not healthy. It tells me that you went to these things, you hung out on the fringe, participated in the 'act' of doing whatever it was, nothing special happened, no guys turned to you and slapped you on the back and said Dude let's be friends and no girls turned to you and said Dude you're so hot let's date, and then you said to yourself 'see, it's crap, it doesn't work, it was a waste of time,' and you went home.

 

We ask you to do these things - and volunteering - so that you can get immersed in it and SHED your self-consciousness and self-absorption. If you can't get rid of those, you will never find happiness.

 

If I were to tell you one thing to do it would be this: look around at the people around you, and seek out some guy - ANY guy - with whom you seem to feel a connection. Go up to that guy. Talk to him. See if he'll hang out for lunch - you gotta eat, right? - and just talk.

 

Make a friend.

 

Nothing is going to change for you if you can't just make a friend.

[turnera]

All I want to do is send her a really hateful, angry text-message and just blast her.

Seriously? You would hurt HER when it's YOU who is having the problem? WTF?

[tman666]

Two of the scariest motherf*ckers I knew when I played rugby were about 5'5" - 5'6". They were diesel and feared nobody, and had no problems taking out 250 lb guys. I'm not saying you should pick up contact sports, BUT...

 

Your height "disadvantage" isn't as big as you're making it out to be. It's an excuse that you like to throw around because it's so easy and convenient, and it's out of your control and nobody has the right to pick apart your excuse if it's out of your control, right?

 

Also, regarding "the girl": the amount of balls needed (due to the "pucker factor", if you will)for telling someone off for good, knowing with certainty that their feelings will be hurt, is exponentially higher than it is to come up with convenient excuses for why she has to reschedule. You'll find this out for yourself if/when you ever have to break up with someone.

 

This thread should be re-named "Excuses Abound".

[betterdeal]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ricky_Januarie - playing international rugby and 5'6"

[fortyninethousand322]

That really isn't going to help me when I get tackled by 6' guys.

 

I played about 4 games of "no-contact" flag football and had enough.

 

Sproles gets tackled by 6'4" 325 lb guys all the time. He's still alive. Just run out of bounds or go down immediately after catching the ball.

 

What about flag football? There's no tackling there. Or kickball or a softball league or something?

[betterdeal]

Where there's a will there's a way.

 

But sending a grumpy text message is the sort of crap you'd expect from a petulant teenager. The sort of thing that ends up on http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com.

 

Externalising the anger, somehow, feels SO good. Finding a way that doesn't get you arrested or hurt innocents is the way to go. Go mosh at a gig.

[somedude81]

Enough of the sports talk guys.

 

After one concussion and many bruising, I'm not going to play any sort of contact sport again.

FOO = family of origin

Family of origin issues? That doesn't make much sense to me.

SD, this is the culmination of all these pages.

 

Nothing is going to change until you like yourself.

 

You aren't going to like yourself until you get professional help and KEEP going (or trying different counselors) until something clicks.

I'm not going to like myself unless they find a way to completely rewire my brain.

 

Frankly it seems much easier to just have a girl like me and then I'll start liking myself because I got an ego boost from her.

 

But apparently all girls are psychics and can see deep into the darkest reaches of your soul. And yet they still date guys who use and abuse them.

 

 

 

And I've seen about 5 therapists.

 

no guys turned to you and slapped you on the back and said Dude let's be friends

Isn't that supposed to be how it happens?

[fortyninethousand322]

Enough of the sports talk guys.

 

After one concussion and many bruising, I'm not going to play any sort of contact sport again.

 

Fair enough. I did list a couple non-contact sports too though, FTR.

 

But apparently all girls are psychics and can see deep into the darkest reaches of your soul. And yet they still date guys who use and abuse them.

 

 

 

Seriously. I never understood that either. They can tell that you don't like yourself, but can't tell if they're dating a cheater/abuser/epic loser? Some kind of psychic powers those are...

[tman666]

On that note, I hope you can see that the excuses you make for yourself (and her) are destroying you, your ability to grow as a person, and your ability to one day be happy.

 

It's easy to make excuses. It's easy to get in the habit of making excuses for yourself and for others. YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

 

Learn to recognize when the excuses start creeping up on you, and shake them off. They are the enemy, and the only thing standing in your way. The beauty (or curse, depending on your point of view) is that excuses are SELF CONSTRUCTS. This means that you have the power to take them down.

[Teknoe]

Gonna try this again. As I HEAVILY suggested waaaay back in July when this topic first started, get yourself a copy of Joyce Meyer's BATTLEFIELD OF THE MIND

 

http://www.amazon.com/Battlefield-Mind-Winning-Battle-Your/dp/0446691097

 

This book has sold and helped out MILLIONS. Look at the product description:

 

Worry, doubt, confusion, depression, anger and feelings of condemnation: all these are attacks on the mind. If readers suffer from negative thoughts, they can take heart! Joyce Meyer has helped millions win these all-important battles. In her most popular bestseller ever, the beloved author and minister shows readers how to change their lives by changing their minds.

 

 

Doesn't that sound familiar, SD? Doesn't that scream out loud at you "READ ME READ ME!" ??

 

Please, no excuses. Just pick up this book and give it a read with an open mind. If it's sold and helped MILLIONS, the author must have done SOMETHING RIGHT.

[turnera]

Family of origin issues? That doesn't make much sense to me.

Then you haven't done as much reading as you say you have. You ARE your past. Your insecurity, your negativity, your fear...all part of how you were raised, what experiences you had, all of it. If you don't know what happened in your past to create SD, you can't address it.

 

Isn't that supposed to be how it happens?

Seriously? You think that some random guy is just gonna come up to you when you walk into a frisbee class or something, slap you on the back, and say 'WELCOME!'? For no reason?

 

People CHOOSE who to befriend based on the OTHER PERSON, SD. You walk in a room, people look at you and make an assessment. And if YOU don't make some sort of move to start up a conversation, no, the other guy is NOT likely to be the one to start it. Not in your situation. Why? Because HE already HAS friends. He's ok with himself. He's attending frisbee class to (1) learn how to play frisbee better and (2) to have fun. Making new friends was not likely on his agenda.

 

But it is for YOU. Because you are at ground zero - no friends, no social skills, no confidence, no frisbee-playing ability to start with, no girls, no nothing.

 

It's like I tell people who come here to better their marriage: YOU are the person here looking for ideas, so it's going to be YOU doing the work for now.

[Teknoe]

it's going to be YOU doing the work for now.

 

I really hope SD either goes see a therapist or at least he reads BATTLEFIELD OF THE MIND with an open mind.

 

One thing that caused my alarm to ring with SD was earlier in this topic when I suggested he do something involving people his age. His response was "I won't go unless I get invited."

 

To me that's a cheap cop-out... how many strangers get randomly invited to an intimate hang out event these days? To me it goes back to his using his 5'6" height disadvantage as a cop out. It's a way of accepting self-defeat without taking ANY responsibility.

 

"Well it's not my fault I was born 5 foot six inches tall."

 

"Well it's not my fault -- NO ONE INVITED ME!"

 

SD, listen to us. At this point, you need to take the initiative.

 

1. Find a therapist

 

2. Get a copy of Battlefield of the Mind

 

Can you AT LEAST do #2?

 

It could really help you see the world through different lens.

 

If you don't like it, feel free to switch back to your regular thinking. You always have that option.

 

But at least make the effort to see things from a different perspective. Then you can decide what works best for you.

 

Will you read THROUGH Battlefield of the Mind some time before 2012?

[somedude81]

Then you haven't done as much reading as you say you have. You ARE your past. Your insecurity, your negativity, your fear...all part of how you were raised, what experiences you had, all of it. If you don't know what happened in your past to create SD, you can't address it.

Oh, that's what you meant. Yeah my past has had a huge impact on who I am. Both me and my brother are pretty F-ed up.

 

Knowing how to get over it is the tricky part.

Seriously? You think that some random guy is just gonna come up to you when you walk into a frisbee class or something, slap you on the back, and say 'WELCOME!'? For no reason?

 

People CHOOSE who to befriend based on the OTHER PERSON, SD. You walk in a room, people look at you and make an assessment. And if YOU don't make some sort of move to start up a conversation, no, the other guy is NOT likely to be the one to start it. Not in your situation. Why? Because HE already HAS friends. He's ok with himself. He's attending frisbee class to (1) learn how to play frisbee better and (2) to have fun. Making new friends was not likely on his agenda.

 

But it is for YOU. Because you are at ground zero - no friends, no social skills, no confidence, no frisbee-playing ability to start with, no girls, no nothing.

 

It's like I tell people who come here to better their marriage: YOU are the person here looking for ideas, so it's going to be YOU doing the work for now.

Not exactly but if I was part of a team why not?

 

I've also tried inviting guys to hang out but I'm just one guy who doesn't do much, so it's obvious why they never got back to me. Also I don't have the drive to keep inviting guys like I do for girls.

 

You make a great point that most people aren't there to make friends because they already have them and aren't looking for more.

 

I've also tried a few times to join an established group of friends and that didn't work so well. I'm just easily forgotten.

 

Trying to make friends seems to be a lot more trouble than it's worth.

 

Going for girls, the rewards are much more obvious.

[Els]

I actually agree that trying to join established groups of friends is not always the best idea. It is much more difficult to become part of an established group than it is to become part of a group where everyone doesn't really know everyone else. That's why the first year in campus is important, for example. That's when everyone is new and trying to make new friends. Could you possibly join a dorm or something or get a house and advertise for room mates? Everyone starting at ground zero is always easier.

 

Then again, most clubs do have new intakes every year, college clubs at least, so there SHOULD be people not part of the group that you can make friends more easily with.

 

I am concerned what 'rewards' you intend to get from girls that you say you absolutely don't 'need' friends for, though. Part of a successful relationship, IMO, is also being best friends with the person. If -all- you want from a girl are the things you can't get from friends - ie sex and physical intimacy, I fear that even if you actually get a R, it'll crumble as quickly as it started and you'll be back at ground zero.

[Leegh]

I would wait a week, and call her on the telephone, and ask her out, and if she says no, then I wouldn't pursue it further. It will be hard getting over her, if it doesn't work out, but it is MUCH better knowing than wondering if "she loves me, loves me out". It's miserable not knowing how another person feels. I admire you for having the courage to pursue her, as so many guys are timid, and if they get one rejection, they wouldn't pursue it any further.

[turnera]

Trying to make friends seems to be a lot more trouble than it's worth.

 

Going for girls, the rewards are much more obvious.

That's the most disturbing thing you've said yet.

 

You think life is only about having a girl like you and give you sex?

 

That is SO SO screwed up.

[somedude81]

I actually agree that trying to join established groups of friends is not always the best idea. It is much more difficult to become part of an established group than it is to become part of a group where everyone doesn't really know everyone else. That's why the first year in campus is important, for example. That's when everyone is new and trying to make new friends. Could you possibly join a dorm or something or get a house and advertise for room mates? Everyone starting at ground zero is always easier.

When I started this school I entered as a transfer student. So I basically had a different starting experience then most of the people. It's far to late for me to live in a dorm. Especially that most people who do dorm are 18-20.

 

I did have roommates my first two years, but I didn't enjoy the experience.

 

I am concerned what 'rewards' you intend to get from girls that you say you absolutely don't 'need' friends for, though. Part of a successful relationship, IMO, is also being best friends with the person. If -all- you want from a girl are the things you can't get from friends - ie sex and physical intimacy, I fear that even if you actually get a R, it'll crumble as quickly as it started and you'll be back at ground zero.

I've never said that all I want is sex from a girl. I've said the opposite many times.

 

Ideally, I would want my girlfriend to be my best friend.

 

Obviously sex is necessary, because without it, we'd just be friends.

That's the most disturbing thing you've said yet.

 

You think life is only about having a girl like you and give you sex?

 

That is SO SO screwed up.

It's the only part of life I haven't experienced yet.

 

And don't you dare start to say that I'm wrong for wanting to have sex with girls.

Edited October 7, 2011 by somedude81

[Ross MwcFan]

That's the most disturbing thing you've said yet.

 

You think life is only about having a girl like you and give you sex?

 

That is SO SO screwed up.

 

Talk about putting words into someones mouth.

[Ross MwcFan]

How are the hypnosis and self help MP3's going somedude?