I feel like crap

[somedude81]

The hugging thing is something I really want to talk to her about. I think she's comfortable with me enough now to tell me if her aversion to it, is about her breasts pressing against me. Maybe I'd also be able to learn her bra size in the process

 

My guess is a 34 D.

[Teknoe]

I sort of agree with cerridwen. You're not really viewing OR treating her as a real friend. As soon as she is taken, you'll bail -- these are your own words. I'm sure if your lady friend could read that, she wouldn't appreciate it. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, that's part of the issue here. Until you learn to just relax around girls, and not see them strictly as "Potential Girlfriend!" or "Never In A Million Years Would I Want Her To Be My Girlfriend" -- then maybe you'd learn to enjoy life a bit more and worry a bit less.

 

 

Yup and I never heard from her.

 

We were basically no contact from April of 2010 till September that year. Then again from December 2010 till about March of this year. The only reason we got back in touch was because we had a class together and I approached her again.

 

Hmm, sounds like you are more in love with the IDEA of liking her than you ACTUALLY liking her.

 

I think another girl could be in her shoes, and you'd like her just as much. You like the fact that when you talk to her, she at least somewhat responds and give you back some time of the day. You're not flat out rejected.

 

I know many cases where guys love the idea of liking a girl more than them actually liking her.

 

From everything you wrote, it seems fairly clear to me you're obsessed with having a girlfriend, but not necessarily HER as your GF, if that makes any sense.

[cerridwen]

The hugging thing is something I really want to talk to her about. I think she's comfortable with me enough now to tell me if her aversion to it, is about her breasts pressing against me. Maybe I'd also be able to learn her bra size in the process

My guess is a 34 D.

 

Nah.

From the picture I saw, she's way bigger than even a double D.

 

Ah, love.

[somedude81]

I sort of agree with cerridwen. You're not really viewing OR treating her as a real friend. As soon as she is taken, you'll bail -- these are your own words. I'm sure if your lady friend could read that, she wouldn't appreciate it. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, that's part of the issue here. Until you learn to just relax around girls, and not see them strictly as "Potential Girlfriend!" or "Never In A Million Years Would I Want Her To Be My Girlfriend" -- then maybe you'd learn to enjoy life a bit more and worry a bit less.

That's actually two different things.

 

No, I don't see her as a real friend. She is the woman whom I want to be my girlfriend. Right now she's in a strange category that's just her. And if she does get a boyfriend, she would have to leave that catagory

and basically become a stranger. Still, she is one of the most important people in my life at this time.

 

I'm perfectly fine being relaxed around girls. That hasn't been an issue for a long time. My problem is that I'm so relaxed, I don't really pursue them. I make friends with them easily and that's just it.

 

Hmm, sounds like you are more in love with the IDEA of liking her than you ACTUALLY liking her.

 

I think another girl could be in her shoes, and you'd like her just as much. You like the fact that when you talk to her, she at least somewhat responds and give you back some time of the day. You're not flat out rejected.

 

I know many cases where guys love the idea of liking a girl more than them actually liking her.

 

From everything you wrote, it seems fairly clear to me you're obsessed with having a girlfriend, but not necessarily HER as your GF, if that makes any sense.

You're almost there.

 

Imagine me carrying around a vase labeled "girlfriend." I really want to get the girlfriend vase filled. Not really caring who she is as long as she meets certain requirements. That's the idea of a GF that you're talking about.

 

In addition to that, I really like her as a person. I think she has a great personality and she's just a cool girl when we interact. If we met while I somehow had a girlfriend, I still would have wanted to be friends with her. Simply because we have so many common interests. Though I don't think we would have gotten as close.

 

Long story short, I really want somebody to be my girlfriend, I also enjoy her company very much, like who she is, and am very attracted to her. So it's everything combined.

[Teknoe]

I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

 

The last thing I'll add for now is the process is important too. Although you want the destination of landing a girlfriend, the journey to get there is one that will develop your character. You will have to go through some fires... some tests... some maturing. There's nothing wrong with you or wrong with that. Everyone goes through the fire at one point or another.

 

I know you're obsessed with the destination/end goal, but I sincerely hope you learn to at least appreciate the process/journey as well. Maybe not today. But hopefully one day you will be able to say "Yeah... it's not ALL about the end goal. The process is important, too."

 

And don't beat yourself up too much when failures inevitably come (as they do to ALL OF US). Just brush it off and move on. That's how you move up the ranks and become a champion of yourself. Life knocks us down. It's how we respond that makes all the difference.

[somedude81]

So earlier today I was called "Relationship Material" by a woman on this forum in a private message. Don't bother asking who.

 

I know she totally meant it as a compliment. But it also kind of stung.

 

For many years now, I knew that I'd be a great boyfriend. I know I have all the requirements to make a relationship work. But in the end, none of that matters because nobody has been willing to give me a chance.

 

I wonder if women I meet in the real world also see that I'm relationship material, and if they do, do they even care?

 

While I've never heard it in person, the line, "You're the kind of man I'd marry, but not the kind of man I'd date" seems to really apply to me.

 

In other words, women don't want to sleep with me when they're looking for fun, and I just have to wait till they want to settle down. But how come I'm not allowed to have any fun?

Edited November 1, 2011 by somedude81

[AD1980]

So earlier today I was called "Relationship Material" by a woman on this forum in a private message. Don't bother asking who.

 

I know she totally meant it as a compliment. But it also kind of stung.

 

For many years now, I knew that I'd be a great boyfriend. I know I have all the requirements to make a relationship work. But in the end, none of that matters because nobody has been willing to give me a chance.

 

I wonder if women I meet in the real world also see that I'm relationship material, and if they do, do they even care?

 

While I've never heard it in person, the line, "You're the kind of man I'd marry, but not the kind of man I'd date" seems to really apply to me.

 

In other words, women don't want to sleep with me when they're looking for fun, and I just have to wait till they want to settle down. But how come I'm not allowed to have any fun?

 

Most women when their younger chase after the hottest guys so dudes like us have to wait for womens bioligcal clocks to tick and then settle for somebody to have their family with

Edited November 1, 2011 by AD1980

[betterdeal]

You want to have fun? Be a cad, a charmer, a laugh. Be the epitome of fun. Charming women is easy. Think how many of them like vampire films - powerful man ravaging women; women yielding to his evil yet well dressed charm. Go to a bar or club (not too noisy a one - they're just annoying) and scan the crowd. Find a group. Maybe it's a couple with a single woman attached. Don't bother with the ones that are in your face. The ones who are scanning, like you, discretely, they're the ones to watch for. Make eye contact, give a subtle smile - you've just established you know she knows you know. Silently, you have both just said "I'm game, are you?" Now feel it. Feel the thrill. Feel your loins stir. Feel how her curves make you feel. Underneath those clothes is a naked woman. Make your move.

[somedude81]

You want to have fun? Be a cad, a charmer, a laugh. Be the epitome of fun. Charming women is easy.

Yeah right

 

I've stated time and time again, that the reason I do so poorly with women is that I don't know how to charm them. If I did, I wouldn't be in this and I'd probably be married with kids by now.

 

 

 

Think how many of them like vampire films - powerful man ravaging women; women yielding to his evil yet well dressed charm.

And the guys being good looking has nothing to do with it. Also most vampires are portrayed as having hypnotic/seductive powers.

 

Go to a bar or club (not too noisy a one - they're just annoying) and scan the crowd. Find a group. Maybe it's a couple with a single woman attached. Don't bother with the ones that are in your face. The ones who are scanning, like you, discretely, they're the ones to watch for. Make eye contact, give a subtle smile - you've just established you know she knows you know. Silently, you have both just said "I'm game, are you?" Now feel it. Feel the thrill. Feel your loins stir. Feel how her curves make you feel. Underneath those clothes is a naked woman. Make your move.

First, I wouldn't feel anything in my loins stirring. Random women don't have that affect on me.

 

Second, if I do actually go up to a group or a single woman and start talking, I'd most likely end up making new friends, if they don't send me on my way first. Nothing even coming close to resembling sexual tension would form.

 

I just don't do well in environments where I have to seduce somebody in 30 minutes or less.

[betterdeal]

Yeah right

 

I've stated time and time again, that the reason I do so poorly with women is that I don't know how to charm them. If I did, I wouldn't be in this and I'd probably be married with kids by now.

 

What is it you want? One minute, it's fun, the next you're married. Make your mind up.

 

First, I wouldn't feel anything in my loins stirring. Random women don't have that affect on me.

 

Then you won't have fun.

 

Second, if I do actually go up to a group or a single woman and start talking, I'd most likely end up making new friends, if they don't send me on my way first. Nothing even coming close to resembling sexual tension would form.

 

I didn't say anything about talking. Stop talking and start doing. If you're going to talk, quick wits and a devil may care attitude is what you need.

 

I just don't do well in environments where I have to seduce somebody in 30 minutes or less.

 

You don't do well in any environment. Deal with it.

[somedude81]

What is it you want? One minute, it's fun, the next you're married. Make your mind up.

I'm saying that if I was charming and knew how to get women, I could have been married by now. I'm 30 now. Ideally I would have spent my 20's living it up, now I'm stuck trying to play catch up.

 

In other words, if I had enjoyed my youth, I wouldn't mind being married now.

Then you won't have fun.

And why is that?

 

Just because I don't get interested in women I've know for less than 20 minutes, doesn't mean I don't get excited by women period.

 

I didn't say anything about talking. Stop talking and start doing. If you're going to talk, quick wits and a devil may care attitude is what you need.

Do what?

 

 

You don't do well in any environment. Deal with it.

But there are some I do better in.

 

I do better when the woman and I have some time to get to know each other.

 

I just need to figure out how to increase my odds of success.

[Dorie]

So earlier today I was called "Relationship Material" by a woman on this forum in a private message. Don't bother asking who.

 

I know she totally meant it as a compliment. But it also kind of stung.

 

For many years now, I knew that I'd be a great boyfriend. I know I have all the requirements to make a relationship work. But in the end, none of that matters because nobody has been willing to give me a chance.

 

I wonder if women I meet in the real world also see that I'm relationship material, and if they do, do they even care?

 

While I've never heard it in person, the line, "You're the kind of man I'd marry, but not the kind of man I'd date" seems to really apply to me.

 

In other words, women don't want to sleep with me when they're looking for fun, and I just have to wait till they want to settle down. But how come I'm not allowed to have any fun?

 

This is perplexing. Haven't you been saying for ages that it's a relationship that you're after, and not fun/casual stuff? Many have advocated light and frivolous dating. You said "No. I want a girlfriend." Now, you appear discouraged to be considered "relationship material" because you want fun? Again, .

[somedude81]

In order to get a girlfriend, one must date first correct?

 

The last thing I want to do is marry my first girlfriend.

 

The discouraging thing about the "relationship material" comment is that only women in their 30's or after they settled down want "relationship material" guys.

 

I want to at least drive a sports car before I buy a mini-van.

 

Honestly, I feel confused on what I want, but I have this strong nagging feeling that I've been cheated out of life.

 

What I would love to do is date a couple of college cuties semi-seriously and then start possibly thinking about something long-term.

[betterdeal]

I just need to figure out how to increase my odds of success.

 

Yes, because more thinking is going to help you. It's got you this far.

[betterdeal]

What I would love to do is date a couple of college cuties semi-seriously and then start possibly thinking about something long-term.

 

What I think will work for you is to pop your cherry with what the Italians call a "learning ship" i.e. an older woman, preferably a married or otherwise unavailable for anything serious one. Get over that fear you have and get great blow jobs to boot.

 

But, if you want to bone some young things then what's going to be your angle? What is it about you that is going to make them flustered or giggly or swoon? Play to your strengths. Look, just about everyone has a time in their life where they just want to have sex, and they're looking for someone to have sex with. Pick an angle, practice it, pack away the porn and video games, and go and set up your stall somewhere chicks who want the same as you do will be. Soon enough you'll be up to you nuts in it.

 

It's not rocket science.

[danmorisson]

Hang on there a second... everyone? I'm not looking for sex. I'm unable to have sex for 2 reasons 1. I'm just too ugly and 2. Nothing happens when I see a naked woman. I'm 100% straight but the thought of actual sex is a turn off. I don't watch porn either, it's pointless, nothing happens

[somedude81]

What I think will work for you is to pop your cherry with what the Italians call a "learning ship" i.e. an older woman, preferably a married or otherwise unavailable for anything serious one. Get over that fear you have and get great blow jobs to boot.

I've actually had a couple of those many years ago. But I only met with them one or two times. The circumstances were also hardly favorable.

But, if you want to bone some young things then what's going to be your angle? What is it about you that is going to make them flustered or giggly or swoon? Play to your strengths. Look, just about everyone has a time in their life where they just want to have sex, and they're looking for someone to have sex with. Pick an angle, practice it, pack away the porn and video games, and go and set up your stall somewhere chicks who want the same as you do will be. Soon enough you'll be up to you nuts in it.

 

It's not rocket science.

I don't know what my angle is. I've never been able to make girls giggly or flustered.

 

I don't even know where to start with that.

Hang on there a second... everyone? I'm not looking for sex. I'm unable to have sex for 2 reasons 1. I'm just too ugly and 2. Nothing happens when I see a naked woman. I'm 100% straight but the thought of actual sex is a turn off. I don't watch porn either, it's pointless, nothing happens

Wrong thread dan. Please start your own.

[betterdeal]

I don't even know where to start with that.

 

I'll give you a clue: not in your bedroom.

[Dorie]

In order to get a girlfriend, one must date first correct?

 

The last thing I want to do is marry my first girlfriend.

 

The discouraging thing about the "relationship material" comment is that only women in their 30's or after they settled down want "relationship material" guys.

 

I want to at least drive a sports car before I buy a mini-van.

 

Honestly, I feel confused on what I want, but I have this strong nagging feeling that I've been cheated out of life.

 

What I would love to do is date a couple of college cuties semi-seriously and then start possibly thinking about something long-term.

 

This sounds like a splendid goal and one that's superior to trying to convince this girl that she should date you.

 

Additionally, don't extrapolate from the "relationship material" comment and conclude you're doomed. It was one woman's opinion. I personally believe you're nothing but a plaything, a boy toy for many women's carnal amusement. Please feel hopeful.

[Els]

In order to get a girlfriend, one must date first correct?

 

The last thing I want to do is marry my first girlfriend.

 

The discouraging thing about the "relationship material" comment is that only women in their 30's or after they settled down want "relationship material" guys.

 

I want to at least drive a sports car before I buy a mini-van.

 

Honestly, I feel confused on what I want, but I have this strong nagging feeling that I've been cheated out of life.

 

What I would love to do is date a couple of college cuties semi-seriously and then start possibly thinking about something long-term.

 

Err, you feel you have been 'cheated out of life' because you have not had the opportunity to have flings with 'college cuties'?

 

I mean, if that's what you want, all power to you. I personally have never done the 'flings with the jocks' thing (which is the female equivalent of what you want), and I don't regret it. But I have this little feeling that you're not going to TELL the girls you're after about this, are you? It sounds like you're already planning for the next relationship you engage in, whomever it might be with, to be temporary, and not many girls, not even college girls, would be happy with that. There is a huge difference between saying, "I'll just live in the moment and see how this R goes", and "The last thing I want to do is marry my first girlfriend. I want to drive a sports car before I buy a mini-van." Plenty of girls may agree with the former, I don't know very many who would be pleased with the latter, especially if you're a 30+ year old man and they ARE your first girlfriend.

[Teknoe]

Err, you feel you have been 'cheated out of life' because you have not had the opportunity to have flings with 'college cuties'?

 

I mean, if that's what you want, all power to you. I personally have never done the 'flings with the jocks' thing (which is the female equivalent of what you want), and I don't regret it. But I have this little feeling that you're not going to TELL the girls you're after about this, are you? It sounds like you're already planning for the next relationship you engage in, whomever it might be with, to be temporary, and not many girls, not even college girls, would be happy with that. There is a huge difference between saying, "I'll just live in the moment and see how this R goes", and "The last thing I want to do is marry my first girlfriend. I want to drive a sports car before I buy a mini-van." Plenty of girls may agree with the former, I don't know very many who would be pleased with the latter, especially if you're a 30+ year old man and they ARE your first girlfriend.

 

 

Let's be honest here. SD has shared this before (sort of) and it's clear he just wants a girlfriend, but doesn't expect nor does he WANT his 1st girlfriend to be his future wife.

 

To me, looking at this 55+ page thread, and from what I've seen of SD81 since I joined LoveShack in 2010, he's clearly a dude who is STUCK living in his own head. Unfortunately, his head is filled with negative, crippling thoughts.

 

It's simply self-sabotage.

 

That's all it is.

 

That's why I think he could do well to pick up a copy of the best selling book that has helped out millions of people: Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind.

 

To put it simply, SD, you won't improve, see the quality of your life rise, OR get a girlfriend UNTIL you win the battle going on in your own head. Or at the very least, manage the battle going on in-between your ears.

 

You really should invest in another therapist. Talking these matters over with someone in real life who can offer you some encouragement, tips and accountability would be huge. Plus, I think until you get to the REAL ROOT of the matter/problem here, you will always feel miserable about (your) life.

 

The fact that you haven't looked into getting a new therapist in 2011 is like a sick man refusing to take his medicine. If you really want a girlfriend, you'll start to reach out to real people in real life who stand a chance at making an impact. Our words are just words, easy to brush off. A real life person is harder to just brush off. I honestly have questioned your true desire for change. It's one thing to want change, but you gotta do some work too. Everybody wants change, but some people are too comfortable and stuck in their rut to make the changes necessary for true change to happen.

 

You can't just sit there, think about it, mull over it and post, post, post. If you do, don't be surprised when this thread hits page 70 and you're still at square one.

[Eclypse]

In order to get a girlfriend, one must date first correct?

 

The last thing I want to do is marry my first girlfriend.

 

The discouraging thing about the "relationship material" comment is that only women in their 30's or after they settled down want "relationship material" guys.

 

I want to at least drive a sports car before I buy a mini-van.

 

Honestly, I feel confused on what I want, but I have this strong nagging feeling that I've been cheated out of life.

 

What I would love to do is date a couple of college cuties semi-seriously and then start possibly thinking about something long-term.

 

Well SD I've been sympathetic to your situation all throughout this thread, and indeed ever since I joined this site. But you just lost me. That post explains exactly why you are perenially single. I think you need to take a good, long, hard look at that post and you need some serious spiritual reavaluation. Can you imagine how a woman you end up dating will feel like if she finds that out? You're only with her so you can enjoy her body for a bit before settling down with a "minivan"?

 

Until your attitude changes you will remain single. I have no doubt you exude this in subtle ways that women pick up. The point of a relationship is to share life together and laugh and love each other. What you describe is not that. For you needs might I suggest Adult Friend Finder?

 

Apologies if this seems unduly harsh, but I just got somewhat ticked off by that previous post.

[Els]

Teknoe, I think you have very good intentions, but I don't get what the point is of pushing Joyce Meyer repeatedly on someone who is not interested in a Christian author. You're just going to turn people off. And yes, that is what she is (and not even a very good one, IMO, having read her sermons, but that's another point altogether). I mean, I agree with a lot of what you said, but I think this is the tenth (?) time you're touted Joyce Meyer.

Edited November 1, 2011 by Elswyth

[somedude81]

This sounds like a splendid goal and one that's superior to trying to convince this girl that she should date you.

 

Additionally, don't extrapolate from the "relationship material" comment and conclude you're doomed. It was one woman's opinion. I personally believe you're nothing but a plaything, a boy toy for many women's carnal amusement. Please feel hopeful.

And yet, you're the only one who thinks it's a good goal...?

Err, you feel you have been 'cheated out of life' because you have not had the opportunity to have flings with 'college cuties'?

No, I feel cheated out of life because I haven't dated any one young at all.

 

How would you feel if you had to be single your entire life, and that the first guy you date and subsequently marry is 35 when you meet him? Essentially missing out on guys in their prime.

 

The fact of the matter is, I've been trying to get girls in their 20's for the past 10 years. If I have to miss out on that, I will feel like I've been cheated.

 

It sounds like you're already planning for the next relationship you engage in, whomever it might be with, to be temporary, and not many girls, not even college girls, would be happy with that.

Honestly now, how many early to mid twenties girls are dating to find a husband? Yeah, I realize that number may be different from where you are from.

 

My problem is, that I don't want to marry my first girlfriend and I know that the odds of divorce for that are sky high. I feel I should at least have 2 to 3 semi-serious relationships before I get married. I'm not planning on them to end but odds are they will.

 

Even if I somehow actually into a relationship with the girl I always talk about, I really doubt we'd get married. For all we know, we'll end up having different life goals.

Well SD I've been sympathetic to your situation all throughout this thread, and indeed ever since I joined this site. But you just lost me. That post explains exactly why you are perenially single. I think you need to take a good, long, hard look at that post and you need some serious spiritual reavaluation. Can you imagine how a woman you end up dating will feel like if she finds that out? You're only with her so you can enjoy her body for a bit before settling down with a "minivan"?

That isn't the case at all.

 

My post to Elswyth explains what I'm talking about.

 

 

I have no doubt you exude this in subtle ways that women pick up.

Bullsh*t.

 

That doesn't make any sense at all.

 

 

The point of a relationship is to share life together and laugh and love each other. What you describe is not that. For you needs might I suggest Adult Friend Finder?

 

Apologies if this seems unduly harsh, but I just got somewhat ticked off by that previous post.

I'll just say that you should read my newest post.

[Teknoe]

Elswyth, actually more like 6th time

In all honesty, I know SD isn't going to look into therapy. Because if he were truly serious about that he would have done it a long time ago this year. I figure he might however be willing to look into a book, since that is an individual "safe" pursuit. I'm just trying to plant a seed. Do I honestly think he's going to actively look up the book? Knowing him as I do, no. But, I'm hoping maybe one night when he's totally fed up it will pop into his mind.

 

Also, given his latest posts it's extremely evident he is struggling with the battle in his own mind... the book is about that so it's a timely reminder.

 

Yeah she's a Christian author, but the book has helped out millions, including non-believers. At this point, ANYTHING that can help SD should be considered an option.

 

Unfortunately, he's shut off many of the options available to him. Why? Because of fear, pride, ego and denial. Self-sabotage at work again. He talks the talk, but he is too scared to walk the walk. It's an attitude that will keep him single for life -- until he changes the way he thinks and views life.

 

 

Bullsh*t.

 

That doesn't make any sense at all.

 

Actually, it makes perfect sense to me what Eclypse wrote, as I'm sure, it did for many other posters as well. The ONLY one it doesn't make sense to is YOU.

 

How many times have you quoted someone and replied "BS" ??

 

Too many to count.

 

There is some major denial going on here.

 

The way your thought life is -- there's no doubt it seeps into your body language. You can't be doom and gloom on the inside and happy go lucky on the outside.

 

Well, why do we need to tell you this? Just look at your track record with the ladies. Obviously, you haven't been attracting women and I've seen a picture of you -- it's not like you're hideous. So it all points to it being in how you conduct yourself that is unattractive, and unspoken body language accounts for over 50% of how we communicate (it was a study, look it up on Google if you don't believe me).

 

Women haven't fallen for you and it's not because of your looks. You're an average looking guy.

 

It's your negative inner attitude/body language that is seeping out and killing you, man. You can deny it all you want, and because we can't see you in real life we can't "verify" it. That's the convenience of posting on a message board rather than talking to a real life person, right?

 

But your track record with women is all the proof needed.

You can't deny that one -- not even on a message board.