I feel like crap

[somedude81]

And so it ends with her.

 

Oddly enough, she sent me a text today around noon. We haven’t had any contact since last Tuesday.

 

“Hey, I gave it a lot of thought and this friendship isn’t working. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

 

I asked her why and she said that she thinks we don’t get along.

 

That wasn’t anywhere even close to the reason I was expecting. I asked if it was about the fight we had last week and she said it wasn’t. I told her that I think we get along great, it’s how we’ve stayed friends for so long.

 

She disagreed with me, staying that she really doesn’t think we get along, at least on her half, whatever that means.

 

I asked her if we could meet up and talk one last time but she said, “No, that’s not happening. My reasons are my own and any more is none of your business.”

 

That seems really harsh from her.

 

Frankly, I’m very curious on her thoughts on this. Of course I saw our friendship ending which is why I removed her from my phone. But never in a million years would I think she’d be the one to come out and tell me that she wants to end it. I’m shocked that she even thought about me at all.

 

Right now I just can't get the thought out of my head that I did something bad to her.

[Cracker Jack]

It was only a matter of time before she came out and said something like that. This kinda surprises me, too--since I expected her to never contact you again after you removed her from your contacts.

 

The "friendship" clearly meant nothing to her, anyway. I don't think it's anything in particular you did to her, but it just seemed like you began to annoy her, at least when going by your last time hanging out with her. While I'm sure she had fun with you, she probably only looked at you as a desperate guy trying to spend time with her or something, which sucks. Meeting up and talking wouldn't have mattered, as I can't see her saying anything differently in person.

 

Dunno what else to say, but at least you know that it's 100% over, and can finally move on.

[Floridaman]

And so it ends with her.

 

Oddly enough, she sent me a text today around noon. We haven’t had any contact since last Tuesday.

 

“Hey, I gave it a lot of thought and this friendship isn’t working. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

 

I asked her why and she said that she thinks we don’t get along.

 

That wasn’t anywhere even close to the reason I was expecting. I asked if it was about the fight we had last week and she said it wasn’t. I told her that I think we get along great, it’s how we’ve stayed friends for so long.

 

She disagreed with me, staying that she really doesn’t think we get along, at least on her half, whatever that means.

 

I asked her if we could meet up and talk one last time but she said, “No, that’s not happening. My reasons are my own and any more is none of your business.”

 

That seems really harsh from her.

 

Frankly, I’m very curious on her thoughts on this. Of course I saw our friendship ending which is why I removed her from my phone. But never in a million years would I think she’d be the one to come out and tell me that she wants to end it. I’m shocked that she even thought about me at all.

 

Right now I just can't get the thought out of my head that I did something bad to her.

 

Tough breaks there, SomeDude.

 

Perhaps you've posted this earlier (haven't read every post in the thread), but how old is this woman?

Edited November 14, 2011 by Floridaman

[Beachgirl8]

Sorry, SD. It always hurts when the end comes, even if you saw it coming.

 

Please take this week to think of some ways to change up your game plan to include making some new friends and socializing. I think somewhere between this thread and the alcohol one you said something about not knowing how to go about getting yourself into social situations. If you want any help with that kind of stuff let us know. I really think that should be your focus right now, not on deconstructing the demise of this friendship, and definitely not retreating into further solitude and depression.

[somedude81]

It was only a matter of time before she came out and said something like that. This kinda surprises me, too--since I expected her to never contact you again after you removed her from your contacts.

 

The "friendship" clearly meant nothing to her, anyway. I don't think it's anything in particular you did to her, but it just seemed like you began to annoy her, at least when going by your last time hanging out with her. While I'm sure she had fun with you, she probably only looked at you as a desperate guy trying to spend time with her or something, which sucks. Meeting up and talking wouldn't have mattered, as I can't see her saying anything differently in person.

 

Dunno what else to say, but at least you know that it's 100% over, and can finally move on.

What really bugs me is that she's the one who ended up with the power.

 

I would not have contacted her again and thus feel like I was the one choosing to end the friendship. But having her bring up wanting to end things just makes my thoughts focus on her even more.

 

The main reason why I wanted to talk was to find out how she came to that conclusion. If I was starting to annoy her, I wanted to know why so I wouldn't do the same thing with the next girl.

 

She's 22.

 

Edit:

Just sent her a text calling her an immature little girl that's afraid of conflict. That if I annoyed her so much she should have told me ages ago instead of lying to me.

 

Yes it's, petty but it made me feel good.

Edited November 15, 2011 by somedude81

[Floridaman]

 

She's 22.

That's one of your problems, SD.

You're 30 or close to, right?

 

Those young girls are ambivalent and have more options. Guys are all over them.

 

Don't waste your time with the young ones.

In my mid-late 20s, figured women a little older than me would be more interested in relationships. Dated women 2-6 yrs. older than me. Was right.

 

As many of them haven't been married and may feel time is getting short for them, you may find one more interested in what you want ~ companionship & a lifelong relationship.

[somedude81]

So which age range should I go for and where do I meet them?

 

Since I'm in college, I'm literally drowning in pretty girls in their early 20's.

 

Sucks that I've never been able to date a young woman.

 

That's just my fu*ked up life.

[somedude81]

LOL, I just read over the first post in this thread and I said this

 

In a way, I wish she would just tell me off and get it over with. It would make things simpler for me.

Sounds like I finally got one of my wishes.

 

FML

 

I just finished picking my classes for next year and I'm not looking forward to that at all.

 

I really don't see a point in doing this anymore.

 

I'm tired.

[Teknoe]

So, you expected the friendship to end.

 

But, you were shocked when it did? Or how she did it?

 

Dude, we all saw it a long time ago. The signs were there. Like I said a 100x before, she's a 22 year old puppy with no sense of boundaries. She doesn't know how to be firm until ABSOLUTELY backed into a corner... and that's what you did to her. YOU SMOTHERED HER.

 

Please, before you seek out a new girl to focus on, do yourself and everyone else a favor by taking some time out to focus on your own self.

 

I'd recommend seeking a therapist, or going to church. I know you had a falling out with God, but right now, don't you think it might help by sitting in a church service and hearing the music, hearing a message?

 

Shoot, if I were you, I'd jump at it. I'm rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up!

 

You need healing. This girl texting you the break up thing is EXTREME. WHO DOES THAT? Only people who have been annoyed a ton. Look, most friendships casually fade. When someone has to tell you "THIS IS THE END" you know it's bad and that you have some issues to work out (i.e. smothering, inconsiderate, etc. all traits which you have displayed).

 

SD, it's OK to admit when you're wrong and when you've fallen short of a healthy standard. The worst thing you can do is sit back and say "Nope, it's not my fault. It's hers."

 

The sad thing is, you had the gall to send her that petty text. You still have a lot maturing to do.

 

How you end one "season" is often how you'll enter the next one....

[Teknoe]

That's one of your problems, SD.

You're 30

 

 

He is. And I guess you missed it, but he admitted before that he likes to go after the young girls because they tend to be more naive and innocent. Do you think SD can handle mature 30 year old women who have lived life a little? Even though SD is 30, he is more like a big kid who has yet to grow up.

 

Many 21 year olds are still adjusting to young adulthood and many are still like high school kids. It's telling that he attacks the young girls. Because he knows a mature woman would have nothing to do with him right off the bat. With the younger crowd, it takes them a while to see him for who he is.

 

That's why you gotta have a life outside looking for girls, dude.

They can smell desperation a mile away.

[betterdeal]

What really bugs me is that she's the one who ended up with the power.

 

Is that how you see it, or did you say that in a fit of pique?

[somedude81]

So, you expected the friendship to end.

 

But, you were shocked when it did? Or how she did it?

 

Dude, we all saw it a long time ago. The signs were there. Like I said a 100x before, she's a 22 year old puppy with no sense of boundaries. She doesn't know how to be firm until ABSOLUTELY backed into a corner... and that's what you did to her. YOU SMOTHERED HER.

I expected it to end, but on my terms. Meaning I was the one who decided.

 

I don't know if I smothered her or not. I was also conscious of giving her space.

 

But what happened Tuesday was probably what got her mad, despite what she said.

 

It just sucks that I can't know for certain.

 

And I highly doubt she was backed into a corner. I'm the one who left that day and I had simply stopped contacting her. She waited almost a week to contact me.

Please, before you seek out a new girl to focus on, do yourself and everyone else a favor by taking some time out to focus on your own self.

 

I'd recommend seeking a therapist, or going to church. I know you had a falling out with God, but right now, don't you think it might help by sitting in a church service and hearing the music, hearing a message?

 

Shoot, if I were you, I'd jump at it. I'm rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up!

Go to chruch?! Are you serious? It's God's fault I got into this mess and that my life turned out this way.

 

Give me a break.

 

You need healing. This girl texting you the break up thing is EXTREME. WHO DOES THAT? Only people who have been annoyed a ton. Look, most friendships casually fade. When someone has to tell you "THIS IS THE END" you know it's bad and that you have some issues to work out (i.e. smothering, inconsiderate, etc. all traits which you have displayed).

Yes it is extreme. But don't go telling me that she is blameless.

 

SD, it's OK to admit when you're wrong and when you've fallen short of a healthy standard. The worst thing you can do is sit back and say "Nope, it's not my fault. It's hers."

Which you just said. Sigh.

The sad thing is, you had the gall to send her that petty text. You still have a lot maturing to do.

I had the right to be mad.

 

She wasn't mature enough to say it to my face, or with a phone call and she refused to tell me how she felt. After knowing each other for two years, she deserved every word I said.

 

Do you think SD can handle mature 30 year old women who have lived life a little? Even though SD is 30, he is more like a big kid who has yet to grow up.

 

Because he knows a mature woman would have nothing to do with him right off the bat.

That's exactly why I don't go after women my age.

 

It's telling that he attacks the young girls.

Attacks the young girls, WTF.

 

Dude, chose your words carefully from now on.

Is that how you see it, or did you say that in a fit of pique?

It's how I see it.

 

I would have preferred that she have never sent that message.

 

I was beginning to move on with no hard feelings about her. I also felt good that I was finally able to walk away.

 

It's basically the same thing as me walking towards a door to leave, and right before I get there, she pushes me outside from behind and slams the door. Leaving me with a feeling of shock and bewilderment.

 

I'm also upset that something I did caused her to think that she needed to take action.

[betterdeal]

It's how I see it.

 

I would have preferred that she have never sent that message.

 

I was beginning to move on with no hard feelings about her. I also felt good that I was finally able to walk away.

 

It's basically the same thing as me walking towards a door to leave, and right before I get there, she pushes me outside from behind and slams the door. Leaving me with a feeling of shock and bewilderment.

 

One way to see it is that you both recognised it wasn't working at about the same time as each other, so no need for hard feelings as it's mutual.

 

I'm curious as to why you didn't send her that text (or a near facsimile of it) when you decided to draw things to a close. You compare it to walking towards the door to leave, which to me suggests you don't think you had actually walked out and closed the door, but you have said otherwise here e.g. that it was over and you had deleted her number. Why didn't you close the door?

 

I'm also upset that something I did caused her to think that she needed to take action.

 

As you said yourself, several times, the relationship was frustrating for you. It's likely it was for her too. Didn't you say you made some crass jokes that upset her during your more recent meetings? You said that was a recurring theme when you get to know a girl. Why's that? What is it you feel immediately before you do such things?

Edited November 15, 2011 by betterdeal

[Teknoe]

I expected it to end, but on my terms. Meaning I was the one who decided.

 

In a way, you DID decided. From your posts, it was pretty obvious you were exhibiting behavior of self-sabotage. I agree, she is not blameless herself, though. BOTH parties had a hand in this, but be a MAN and take most of the responsibility, because clearly this "relationship" meant far more to you than it did to her.

 

 

I don't know if I smothered her or not. I was also conscious of giving her space.

 

I've read in this thread a lot about how you would send her MULTIPLE texts without hearing back from her. Dude, that IS smothering. The ratio of you texting her to her texting you should be 1:1. Instead, it was probably AT LEAST 3:1. That there, IS SMOTHERING.

 

Ask yourself this: particularly in 2011, how many times did you have to be the one who initiated a conversation with her? I'd guess at least 70% of the time. If you hadn't contacted her, she never would have contacted you. Face it, it was a r/ship that YOU tried to force and drag on, long after it had been buried.

 

She just didn't know how to tell you, coz she's 21 freaking years old (recently turned 22)

 

 

And I highly doubt she was backed into a corner. I'm the one who left that day and I had simply stopped contacting her. She waited almost a week to contact me.

 

You can't be THIS dense?!

 

Dude, I'm not talking about the past week. I'm talking about IN GENERAL. The past 2 years you've been "friends" with her. You smothered a girl who was hardly interested in your friendship and who was too young to know how to enforce boundaries.

 

YOU BACKED HER INTO A CORNER for her to HAVE to come out and say "Sorry, this friendship is no longer working." The truth is, it probably stopped working for her a long time ago BUT AGAIN, she didn't know how to tell you (because she's a 21 year old puppy). For her to finally find the courage to tell you IT'S OVER tells me all I need to know.

 

You became overbearing, annoying and probably creepy to her in a way that EVEN SHE COULD NO LONGER TAKE.

 

You backed her into a corner.

 

How you can't see this (or humble yourself enough to admit this) is baffling, and part of your problem. You don't see reality for what it is. I feel sorry for you. You need to develop some humility and wisdom, big time.

 

 

Go to chruch?! Are you serious? It's God's fault I got into this mess and that my life turned out this way.

 

Give me a break.

 

Let's see. Let's count the cost here.

 

Church is:

 

A). Free

B). 90 minutes long

 

I'm sure you could sacrifice one of your Sunday mornings/afternoons to attend JUST ONE service. Sit in the back and just see what happens.

 

You really have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

 

I understand you think it's all God's fault. It's good to be honest with God. But don't leave it at anger and just turn a blind eye. Another part of you has to be open to receive His healing and love. It's there... BUT ONLY IF YOU SEEK IT.

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd be attending ONE church service this Sunday. I'm at rock bottom after all, nothing that could happen to me at church could be any worse.

 

 

Yes it is extreme. But don't go telling me that she is blameless.

 

I had the right to be mad.

 

She wasn't mature enough to say it to my face, or with a phone call and she refused to tell me how she felt. After knowing each other for two years, she deserved every word I said.

 

Yeah she ain't blameless but dude! She's 21 years old. (now 22). You are the 30 year old MAN here. So start acting like a 30 year old MAN. Putting the majority of the blame on her is silly.

 

OK, you have a right to be mad, understand that. We're human.

 

But how you act with that anger says everything about your character. You lashed out when really, YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THIS POSITION OF FAILURE.

 

 

That's exactly why I don't go after women my age.

 

Honestly, you need time for healing and discovery. At this point, you shouldn't go after ANY woman, regardless of her age. Coz trust me, if you just look for another under-23 year old girl to crush on, it's gonna end in the same miserable mess. The problem here isn't the girl, it's your attitude and perspective. The real battle is the one going on in-between your ears.

 

Go get some healing first. Take 6 months off or something. But make an action plan for self improvement that does not focus around girls.

 

 

Attacks the young girls, WTF.

 

Dude, chose your words carefully from now on.

 

Honestly, I was just typing how I saw it, and didn't particularly care to be PC at that point. However, while I will say "my bad" for that, looking at it, how else would you call it? All your attempts have failed miserably and you have failed to take constructive feedback. It's clear you're doing some majorly wrong things when it comes to thinking and interacting with young girls... like trying to force a triangle block into a square peg.

 

It doesn't work, but you keep forcing the issue until it blows up.

 

 

I would have preferred that she have never sent that message.

 

I was beginning to move on with no hard feelings about her. I also felt good that I was finally able to walk away.

 

It's basically the same thing as me walking towards a door to leave, and right before I get there, she pushes me outside from behind and slams the door. Leaving me with a feeling of shock and bewilderment.

 

I'm also upset that something I did caused her to think that she needed to take action.

 

Honestly, you self-sabotaged yourself to that point. I'm not surprised it happened. If I were you, I'd take it as a warning sign. A sign that I should focus on getting better in mind, body, soul and spirit before I even attempt to find another crush to hinge my hopes on.

 

Try looking at this situation as a positive. You should learn some things from this to ensure you don't repeat the same offenses down the road.

 

I don't think it's coincidence that as you finally HAD ENOUGH to the point where you deleted her texts and her number that she would come back and tell you "IT'S OVER."

 

Your desperation to cling to her was getting more and more obvious, and for her, probably more annoying and creepy by the minute. Your cleavage comment probably was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

But don't fool yourself to thinking that was an isolated incident. She finally had enough built up over 2 years that she had to tell you off.

 

But look to this as a good thing.

 

Closure is healthy.

 

You know where you stand with her.

 

Figure out HONESTLY what you did wrong, and make sure you learn from your mistakes.

 

As long as you play the "I hate the world, the world hates me" card, you will always be miserable and alone. A sad and dangerous combination. Please, rise above it. Go get yourself some wisdom and humility. And good luck.

[somedude81]

One way to see it is that you both recognised it wasn't working at about the same time as each other, so no need for hard feelings as it's mutual.

The hard feelings are because she was completely cold to me and wouldn't explain herself.

 

I'm curious as to why you didn't send her that text (or a near facsimile of it) when you decided to draw things to a close.

The funny thing was, that I was thinking about sending a very similar message to her about 10 minutes before I got hers. I was going to do it when I got home and I got her message when I was on the bus.

 

I was going to send something like, "Thanks for spending time with me and I enjoyed your company very much. But it's become obvious to me that I can't just be your friend. I wish you well."

 

BTW, while I did delete her number from my phone, it doesn't remove it from the list of recently used contacts.

 

You compare it to walking towards the door to leave, which to me suggests you don't think you had actually walked out and closed the door, but you have said otherwise here e.g. that it was over and you had deleted her number. Why didn't you close the door?

I wouldn't have completely passed through it till I was fully over her.

 

Also if I ever ran into her again, we could talk on friendly terms. Now I feel like I'll have to avoid her if I ever see her

 

 

As you said yourself, several times, the relationship was frustrating for you. It's likely it was for her too. Didn't you say you made some crass jokes that upset her during your more recent meetings? You said that was a recurring theme when you get to know a girl. Why's that? What is it you feel immediately before you do such things?

Huh?

 

I made one comment that she should pick a shirt that shows some cleavage.

 

There is no recurring theme. Your last sentences are completely invalid.

[Yamaha]

Just sent her a text calling her an immature little girl that's afraid of conflict.

 

And you wonder why the so called "nice guys" get the reputation of not being so "nice". She rejected you and you are mad and want to get even by hurting her.

 

Her analysis of your friendship was dead on. She finally got the courage to tell you how she really feels about you.

 

I would really evaluate how you really felt about her. When you love someone you don't want to hurt them but want their happiness above your own. Does this sound like your feelings for her?

[betterdeal]

The hard feelings are because she was completely cold to me and wouldn't explain herself.

 

 

The funny thing was, that I was thinking about sending a very similar message to her about 10 minutes before I got hers. I was going to do it when I got home and I got her message when I was on the bus.

 

I was going to send something like, "Thanks for spending time with me and I enjoyed your company very much. But it's become obvious to me that I can't just be your friend. I wish you well."

 

BTW, while I did delete her number from my phone, it doesn't remove it from the list of recently used contacts.

 

 

I wouldn't have completely passed through it till I was fully over her.

 

Also if I ever ran into her again, we could talk on friendly terms. Now I feel like I'll have to avoid her if I ever see her

 

 

 

Huh?

 

I made one comment that she should pick a shirt that shows some cleavage.

 

There is no recurring theme. Your last sentences are completely invalid.

 

Must have been someone else's posts I was reading. My apologies. As for the rest of your reply, it doesn't seem you want to consider the points I tried to make so I'll be off.

[somedude81]

And you wonder why the so called "nice guys" get the reputation of not being so "nice". She rejected you and you are mad and want to get even by hurting her.

I was frustrated that she wouldn't explain herself. I thought we were close enough where she could do that.

 

Also there were much nastier things I could have said to her.

Her analysis of your friendship was dead on. She finally got the courage to tell you how she really feels about you.

She didn't tell me anything.

 

The whole time I never had a clue how she felt about me. Whether she really saw me as a friend or not.

 

I would really evaluate how you really felt about her. When you love someone you don't want to hurt them but want their happiness above your own. Does this sound like your feelings for her?

I was mad. That's the meanest thing I've ever said to her.

 

Also when strong feelings are involved it's really easy to switch between extreme emotions. It was a crime of passion.

 

Of course I want her to be happy, but not at my expense.

 

Must have been someone else's posts I was reading. My apologies. As for the rest of your reply, it doesn't seem you want to consider the points I tried to make so I'll be off.

What other points?

 

Aren't they all about your crass jokes and reoccurring theme comment?

 

You also ignored everything else I wrote that addressed your post...

[Floridaman]

 

 

Let's see. Let's count the cost here.

 

Church is:

 

A). Free

B). 90 minutes long

 

I'm sure you could sacrifice one of your Sunday mornings/afternoons to attend JUST ONE service. Sit in the back and just see what happens.

 

You really have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

 

I understand you think it's all God's fault. It's good to be honest with God. But don't leave it at anger and just turn a blind eye. Another part of you has to be open to receive His healing and love. It's there... BUT ONLY IF YOU SEEK IT

 

......

 

Figure out HONESTLY what you did wrong, and make sure you learn from your mistakes.

 

As long as you play the "I hate the world, the world hates me" card, you will always be miserable and alone. A sad and dangerous combination. Please, rise above it. Go get yourself some wisdom and humility. And good luck.

 

SomeDude,

Let me second Teknoe's recomendation on attending religious service.

 

Perhaps better for you might be to get involved with a church or religious body that has a singles group.

 

You're likely to find a sweet girl there that won't be so judgemental of someone your age not having a lot of dating experience, as many of the women attending such singles groups may not have a lot of experience themselves.

You may find one who'se looking or waiting for a man like you.

Many women are shy. Singles groups are good ways to meet women.

 

You don't have to believe everything a particular denomination or group teaches, but many, especially lonely single guys (I was once one) find support or comfort there.

Many attend more for the social interaction.

There's no requirement one adhere to a particular church's teachings.

 

Call or visit websites of the larger mainstream churches, as those are more likely to have singles groups.

 

Originally Posted by somedude81

Go to chruch?! Are you serious? It's God's fault I got into this mess and that my life turned out this way.

 

Give me a break.

 

You certainly have the right to think that, but understand, we choose our paths in this life. We have free will to do what we want.

I was once mad too as was 30 and a "failure" at dating, so know where you're coming from.

[Teknoe]

Thank you Floridaman.

It's what I've been trying to tell SD since day 1.

He'd do well in a singles group. Find some friends, seek toward some inner healing.

 

He really has no legit excuse not to at least check it out once. Whatever reason he can come up with is based on his own insecurities and perhaps, JUST PERHAPS, although he talks about wanting change, he's too scared of actual real change that he won't step out in faith, dip his toe in the water.

 

SD, it's time to do some toe-dipping.

[Els]

Ohhh dear.

 

I'm sorry this had to happen, SD, I really am. The writing was all over the wall though, illuminated with bright red neon. Later on, when you're feeling more calm and collected over it, you need to do some introspection into how YOU handle conflict and people being open with you. You have said that you'd be fine if she was perfectly honest with you, you just wanted openness - well guess what, you weren't fine. The text you sent her was no way, no how fine. This is probably the reaction she was fearing when she put this off for so long. She finally took the first step and mustered the courage to tell you what she had intended to all along, and you responded thusly. Of course you're not going to be getting any honest disclosure from now on.

 

Secondly, what on Earth actually made you think that your cleavage comment would be fine? I'm not saying this to mock you, I think you may find useful answers if you genuinely probe that question. If it was just a boo-boo, sure, we slip up all the time, but from the way you describe it, you did not even think it was wrong until she got mad at you, and don't really understand why she was upset about it.

 

Thirdly, while I'm not an advocate of religion solving anything, I think church may indeed fulfil a need in you right now - the need to get into a community in which people approach YOU and invite you to do stuff. You mentioned that a large reason for you not participating in social activities is because you're shy and people end up ignoring you unless you make the first move, and you don't want to. Well, if you go to a small community church (not the huge formal ones in ancient buildings), people will come to you. They'll come and talk to you and invite you to activities and try to make you feel welcome... And that may be a nice step in the direction of a social life.

[somedude81]

My problem with Church, is that I was basically forced to go at least every other Sunday from the day I was born till I was 25. And look at all the good it did me...

 

I have very little faith and pretty much blame God for all the things that happened in my life that I have no control over.

 

The only way I'd go back is if I met a Christian girl outside of Church, and she wanted me to go to service with her.

[cerridwen]

 

 

 

...Now I feel like I'll have to avoid her if I ever see her ...

 

 

 

Yeah, that's a shame.

 

I can be hot-headed myself but I've come to learn once that trigger's pulled...

 

Sorry it didn't work out.

[Teknoe]

Ohhh dear.

 

I'm sorry this had to happen, SD, I really am. The writing was all over the wall though, illuminated with bright red neon. Later on, when you're feeling more calm and collected over it, you need to do some introspection into how YOU handle conflict and people being open with you. You have said that you'd be fine if she was perfectly honest with you, you just wanted openness - well guess what, you weren't fine. The text you sent her was no way, no how fine. This is probably the reaction she was fearing when she put this off for so long. She finally took the first step and mustered the courage to tell you what she had intended to all along, and you responded thusly. Of course you're not going to be getting any honest disclosure from now on.

 

Secondly, what on Earth actually made you think that your cleavage comment would be fine? I'm not saying this to mock you, I think you may find useful answers if you genuinely probe that question. If it was just a boo-boo, sure, we slip up all the time, but from the way you describe it, you did not even think it was wrong until she got mad at you, and don't really understand why she was upset about it.

 

Thirdly, while I'm not an advocate of religion solving anything, I think church may indeed fulfil a need in you right now - the need to get into a community in which people approach YOU and invite you to do stuff. You mentioned that a large reason for you not participating in social activities is because you're shy and people end up ignoring you unless you make the first move, and you don't want to. Well, if you go to a small community church (not the huge formal ones in ancient buildings), people will come to you. They'll come and talk to you and invite you to activities and try to make you feel welcome... And that may be a nice step in the direction of a social life.

 

 

SD, please to listen to the points Elswyth made. They're very good ones to take some serious pontification.

[Teknoe]

My problem with Church, is that I was basically forced to go at least every other Sunday from the day I was born till I was 25. And look at all the good it did me...

 

 

You keep thinking in this sense:

 

X did not work for me in ___ (year i.e. 2007 or age: i.e. when I was 25 years old) THUS X surely won't work for me NOW.

 

The past is the past. Their results do not always correlate to similar future results.

 

For example, I sucked at bowling when I was 16. SUCKED. But I picked it up for fun 10 years later, when I was 26, and somehow, it clicked. I now bowl consistently at 175 or higher. Before, I could barely crack 75 consistently.

 

Just because something didn't work for you in the past doesn't automatically mean it's doomed to fail at a later stage in your life.

 

That's just an excuse you use to sleep at night, if you know what I mean.

 

 

I have very little faith and pretty much blame God for all the things that happened in my life that I have no control over.

 

That's OK. It's good to wrestle with God. But just give Him room to respond. Right now it's all about you and you're not even giving Him a chance to reciprocate. What I mean by this is at least being halfway open. It doesn't hurt to visit a small church and just soak in the environment... even in anger. AT LEAST SHOW UP. Seriously, we're ALL recommending it to you... don't you think maybe giving it ONE chance wouldn't be such a bad idea?

 

Like I said, time to do some toe-dipping.

 

 

The only way I'd go back is if I met a Christian girl outside of Church, and she wanted me to go to service with her.

 

You've said this before, and you also said something similar to this effect: "I don't want to seek people to hang out with. They have to seek me and invite me for me to come."

 

You know what this means?

 

It means you know it's highly unlikely either one of these scenarios would ever happen, so in your mind, you are justified.. which sadly leads to no changes and being caught up in the same old rut you've always found yourself in.

 

Sorry, it's a coward's way out.

 

You gotta take the 1st step here. Saying you'll go to church only if a Christian girl invites you gives you an easy excuse... you know with your current hermit lifestyle odds are low that you'll meet a Christian girl, become friends with her to the point where she'll be inviting you to her church. So in your mind you go "Not my fault... it's somebody else's."

 

At some point, you can't blame others for the rut you've found yourself in. Take a long, cold look in the mirror. Change starts WITH you, INSIDE you.

 

You have ALL of us advocating giving church a chance. Small singles group. At least go one time as a wild experiment... if it "bombs" you can come back and say to us "See! I told you! That wasn't the answer!"

 

But FIND OUT BY TESTING IT. Don't wait until 2012 either. Do it THIS month or December.

 

Just don't predetermine the answer on your own, because that has never gotten you anywhere, nor will it EVER get you anywhere.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Teknoe