I feel like crap

[PelicanPete]

 

The number one thing on that list is confidence. And as I was saying earlier; because of what happened to me in my childhood and how girls treated me, I never developed any confidence. Then that ties into me not learning how to really talk to girls so I don't have any "game."

 

Game can make up for looks and vise versa. But miss both, and one doesn't have a chance.

 

You make it sound like confidence is set in stone, like you missed the train or something . No one teaches you confidence, it's not something you're given or you inherit, it's a choice and a way to live your life. You can develop confidence at any point in your life, all you need to do is have the will to believe you can.

 

My buddy has no "game". He's never had a girlfriend, and I don't even know if hes kissed a girl yet or even tried. He knows his values and isn't dependent on another to make him happy, and that sort of strength is what attracts people to you. He hasn't needed a girl in his life to make things better for him, and if one comes along it will only be to make his life better, not complete him. I know he's been through some real rough times and I greatly respect him for how hes handled them. I think any girl would be lucky to have him.

 

I myself only "manned up" a few months ago. I took a look at myself and changed everything I hated about who I was, and I feel happier now because I'm on the path to becoming the person I want to be. I've developed a lot more confidence because of it, and I even got a girls number when I ran errands in town a few hours ago. I have no "game", I just took a risk, ignored my fear, and came out rewarded because I believed I could. It's all in your head.

 

So why don't you try walking around without your crutches and see how it feels?

[betterdeal]

You said that you made passes at about a dozen women and about 8 reciprocated. Did you have sex with those women or at least kiss them?

 

How did you know it was the right time?

 

You don't. It feels right, that's all. Have you ever stepped out in front of traffic and had to run as fast you can to avoid being run over? Or done something like that, where you don't have time to think, you just do something to preserve life?

 

That's what it's like. It doesn't matter how many examples we give you, you will not get it from words. You have to do it. And, like learning to ride a bike, you will fall off and graze your knee.

 

The clip gave me some ideas. It seems that prolonged physical contact is a great way to first test the waters. So when we're talking I can leave my hand on her leg and see how she reacts. Same for her arms and shoulders. I also didn't know about leaning in half way, making it obvious that I want to kiss her, let her make a move in or out, then I go for the final move.

 

That's the difference between pushing and leading. You take the lead, you don't push.

 

The things that seem really basic to most people are stuff that I just haven't thought of.

 

Watch a few movies. In Search of a Midnight Kiss is a good one. Note how the non-verbal and verbal communication differ.

 

I'm also pretty bad at reading women.

 

Why is that? Do you have Aspergers? Perhaps reading up on emotional intelligence will help you there.

 

The number one thing on that list is confidence. And as I was saying earlier; because of what happened to me in my childhood and how girls treated me, I never developed any confidence. Then that ties into me not learning how to really talk to girls so I don't have any "game."

 

Talk to them like you talk to anyone else i.e. as yourself. As for your past, to quote Lion King, you can either run from your past or learn from it. Be honest and open to the idea that you were part of the reason things went wrong, think those things over and see if there's anything there you can learn (more than it hurt therefore I will never do it again). Sometimes when we still feel hurt from the past we haven't reconciled it properly, and we need to do that to enter any new relationship without that fear and hurt impeding its growth.

 

Game can make up for looks and vise versa. But miss both, and one doesn't have a chance.

 

I know it seems an impossible rut to escape: you're down so that knocks your confidence and you lack of confidence gets you down. I think that's why so many people have suggested you start your journey one step at a time in the foothills rather than trying to rush to the summit. You're horny, I get that, and you're emotionally craving love, I get that also, but every time I have been lucky with girls I have been doing well, feeling well in myself. It's a happy coincidence. And it all starts with lots of little victories.

 

But if you feel you need to continue what you're doing, keep doing it. Personally, I don't intend to even consider having a relationship in the next 6 months. I very much doubt I'll even have sex. Because I have other fish to fry and I'd rather get on top of my game, feel secure in my work and home and social life and self before entering into a relationship with someone, for her sake as much as mine, to give it a good chance of lasting.

Edited August 22, 2011 by betterdeal

[HeavenOrHell]

Middle ground is; be a friend to her and see where it takes you, things will either develop or they won't, it takes times to get closer, hugs and kisses etc come when you're relaxed enough with each other to read the signals, to know it's the right thing to do. And men don't always have to make the first move with hugs etc, (traditional cr*ap), I made the first move with my partner as he's unsure of himself (well so am I, but him more so when it comes to intimacy).

 

 

 

betterdeal, you're making me run around in circles.

 

The point I'm trying to get across is that I don't know what I'm doing or what I should do. I'm afraid that if I do what I think of, I'll just screw things up.

 

I post here asking for advice because I don't trust my judgement.

 

But the only advice I've gotten on this girl has been, "move on" and "kiss her." That is just two different extremes. Is there any middle ground?

[somedude81]

Disregard this post.

Edited August 23, 2011 by somedude81

[somedude81]

And she declined to hang out this weekend. This whole week I was trying to arrange something and it seemed like we were making progress on getting something planned. But nothing was made.

 

I'm sure she has valid reasons the biggest one is that school is starting on Monday and she is moving back into her dorm. I was just hoping I made a good enough impression on her last time we hung out that she'd want to do so again, oh well.

 

Though, as long as I don't have to work that day, I'll see her on Tuesday, which is my birthday....

 

Ugh, I'm turning 30 in less than a week, it almost makes me feel sick. I also deactivated my Facebook account so I won't be getting happy birthday messages from people I never speak to.

 

It's kind of sad that I won't be having any party at all. My entire family is in the northern part of California and I can't be there because my BD is on the second day of school. I don't have any friends left over from last semester and I wouldn't have made any friends by the second day. So the only person I actually know in this part of California is her.

 

Thankfully she's agreed to hang out, but I have night classes from 3-7. Though the second class is just a dance class so I could skip that without too much trouble.

 

I'm thinking about jokingly asking for a kiss. I know she'll say no, but I want to get it in the air and let her know that I want more. Heck, it might even be the last day we hang out.

 

Either way, I have to make it through this week and that's going to be hard with really nothing to look forward to. My job is starting to really get on my nerves and there isn't anything I do for fun. Being with her on Saturday was the only fun thing I did all week

[betterdeal]

Sounds pretty touch going.

[Teknoe]

And she declined to hang out this weekend. This whole week I was trying to arrange something and it seemed like we were making progress on getting something planned. But nothing was made.

 

I'm sure she has valid reasons the biggest one is that school is starting on Monday and she is moving back into her dorm. I was just hoping I made a good enough impression on her last time we hung out that she'd want to do so again, oh well.

 

Though, as long as I don't have to work that day, I'll see her on Tuesday, which is my birthday....

 

Ugh, I'm turning 30 in less than a week, it almost makes me feel sick. I also deactivated my Facebook account so I won't be getting happy birthday messages from people I never speak to.

 

It's kind of sad that I won't be having any party at all. My entire family is in the northern part of California and I can't be there because my BD is on the second day of school. I don't have any friends left over from last semester and I wouldn't have made any friends by the second day. So the only person I actually know in this part of California is her.

 

Thankfully she's agreed to hang out, but I have night classes from 3-7. Though the second class is just a dance class so I could skip that without too much trouble.

 

I'm thinking about jokingly asking for a kiss. I know she'll say no, but I want to get it in the air and let her know that I want more. Heck, it might even be the last day we hang out.

 

Either way, I have to make it through this week and that's going to be hard with really nothing to look forward to. My job is starting to really get on my nerves and there isn't anything I do for fun. Being with her on Saturday was the only fun thing I did all week

 

 

1. Negativity overload

2. Relying too much on one person to make you happy

3. You are in control of your life and your attitudes

 

 

I'll say it now. Don't be surprised if she starts to gradually slip away from your circle. Now that school's started, she'll use that as an excuse (she already has).

 

Did you ever look into the activity night?

 

How about going back to therapy?

 

Or what about Ross' links?

 

Have you done ANY OF THESE?

 

You just can't sit there and expect things to magically get better.

[somedude81]

I'm going to make an appointment to see a therapist when school starts.

 

As for her, if anything I'll be seeing her more often as she's living on campus again. She'll also be coming over to my place more frequently now that she isn't 30 minutes away anymore.

 

I'm also looking forward to meeting new girls. I need to be much more effective in my approach. If I meet a girl who's kind of cute and seems fun, I'll get to know her. This basically means lowering my standards.

 

Hopefully I get somewhere with a girl this year.

[somedude81]

Sigh, today was supposed to be a nice day. Why not? It's my 30th birthday.

 

I got the day off work, was only going to go to one class then I pick her up, take her back to my place. Order a pizza and play games and watch movies. Could have been a great day.

 

Around 2:30 I get a text message: "hey dude i think we're going to have to cancel today- i recently found out my mom is in the hospital."

 

As soon as I got that text I knew my day was ruined. Now I didn't have a bad day, but it wasn't anything good about it.

 

I just talked to my mom and when I told her what happened with the girl the first thing she said was, "do you believe her?"

 

Sure why not? But it's a little too convenient of an excuse. I'm going to call her tomorrow and see if she wants to hang out this weekend. If not she better have a real excuse because I'm starting to get tired of her being unavailable.

[Eclypse]

I feel for you man, I really do. Not being able to get a woman can really crush your feelings of self worth. My opinion though? This girl isn't into you, and there's no point trying to push it any further. I know you have no other options though. I feel like a fraud really, I met my first (and current) girlfriend almost by chance. Most of my hookups have occurred at parties though. Since semester just began for you maybe you can make some new male friends and when they invite you to parties you can meet heaps of new chicks?

 

One other piece of advice: don't try to act like their girlfriend. They have friends who fill that role. Be friends by all means, but don't fall into the friend zone with your next girl.

[somedude81]

don't fall into the friend zone with your next girl.

The friendzone is the only way I ever get to spend time with a girl. Every girl I've ever hung out with put me in the friendzone. So it's either that or nothing. My life sucks so f-ing much.

 

I don't let girls treat me like a girlfriend. None of the girls I've spent time with were seeing anybody and I don't talk about guys with them.

 

This semester has potential. Having a girl actually like me will turn my life around. But if nothing happens, I'm done.

 

I know this girl isn't into me, she's just a little warmer than neutral. She'll use any excuse to not hang out. If she doesn't have a good excuse to not hang out, I'm seriously considering confronting her about it. My feelings for this girl are very strong, both positively and negatively. A huge part of me wants to yell at her and try to cause as much emotional pain to her that I can.

 

Making new guy friends and getting invited to their parties is a long shot. I wouldn't even know where to start. I've already tried joining a couple of sports teams and last year I was an active member of a social club on campus. But I didn't make any friends with either.

[Teknoe]

First off, belated happy 30th Birthday. I hope this year will be your best yet, but in order for that to happen you need to do some things:

 

1. Time to humble yourself and expand your horizons. Time to do new things or things you haven't done in a while (i.e. the activity night suggestion with your local church). By denying these suggestions, you're actually being quite prideful and stubborn. And that never leads to change

 

2. Time to adopt a more positive attitude

 

3. Time to quit obsessing over girls. Time to start focusing on yourself

 

 

I'll say it now. Don't be surprised if she starts to gradually slip away from your circle.

 

 

Around 2:30 I get a text message: "hey dude i think we're going to have to cancel today- i recently found out my mom is in the hospital."

 

I'm starting to get tired of her being unavailable.

 

Dude, I hate to say I told you so. But I told you so. Look, I've been there MANY times before. You think I haven't? I know how girls operate with guys that THEY JUST DON'T LIKE THAT WAY.

 

They are very "eh" on hanging out 1 on 1, and usually flake last second via text. It is textbook behavior.

 

Please, for the sake of your sanity and dignity, LET'S MOVE ON and forget this girl.

 

 

The friendzone is the only way I ever get to spend time with a girl. Every girl I've ever hung out with put me in the friendzone. So it's either that or nothing. My life sucks so f-ing much

 

No, you got food on your table, electricity, a running shower, a roof over your head, and clothes on your back. Your life does not suck. It's your rotten attitude that sucks. That's truth. Imagine being malnourished living in a 3rd world country where if you're lucky, you eat 1 meal every TWO days. Come on man, it's time to quit feeling so sorry for yourself and time to gain a new perspective on life.

 

 

This semester has potential. Having a girl actually like me will turn my life around. But if nothing happens, I'm done.

 

Like I said with the flaking, I'm gonna go ahead and call it right now.

 

If you don't take my 3 step advice in the very beginning of my reply here, if you keep up the way you're going about this, then nothing WILL happen. Look, there's a time to try with a new girl, and there's a time to stop and go back to the drawing board. You are not healthy right now to be dating. As a result, no girl will want to date you in your present state.

 

I really hope you take this to heart. This is not a time to try and make things happen with girls.

 

This is a time to reboot and renew your foundation, so that one day, when the right girl comes along, YOU WILL BE PREPARED for that relationship you've always desired.

 

 

I know this girl isn't into me, she's just a little warmer than neutral. She'll use any excuse to not hang out. If she doesn't have a good excuse to not hang out, I'm seriously considering confronting her about it. My feelings for this girl are very strong, both positively and negatively. A huge part of me wants to yell at her and try to cause as much emotional pain to her that I can.

 

Please go talk to a therapist about this. I can't believe you want to scream at her and try to cause her as much emotional pain as you can. Do you know how selfish and sad that truly is?

 

You did all of this to yourself. She's not the bad guy here. It's just she doesn't like you that way, but you keep putting yourself in a position to get hurt. A woman is also not to be yelled at, unless she cheated on you while you guys were dating or married. Be a gentleman. Treat her like a lady.

 

Again, I don't know what else to say. I just repeating the same things over to you, but you never make an effort to take my advice... which is also many other people's advice too. It's time to step away from girls for a bit, and just focus on yourself.

[somedude81]

No, you got food on your table, electricity, a running shower, a roof over your head, and clothes on your back. Your life does not suck. It's your rotten attitude that sucks. That's truth. Imagine being malnourished living in a 3rd world country where if you're lucky, you eat 1 meal every TWO days. Come on man, it's time to quit feeling so sorry for yourself and time to gain a new perspective on life.

None of that sh*t matters.

 

Seriously, if I was homeless and struggling to find my next meal, I would have killed myself long ago.

 

Just because my life is comfortable doesn't mean that it doesn't suck.

Dude, I hate to say I told you so. But I told you so. Look, I've been there MANY times before. You think I haven't? I know how girls operate with guys that THEY JUST DON'T LIKE THAT WAY.

 

They are very "eh" on hanging out 1 on 1, and usually flake last second via text. It is textbook behavior.

 

Please, for the sake of your sanity and dignity, LET'S MOVE ON and forget this girl.

I'm going to make her say it to me. I'm going to make her tell me that she doesn't want to hang out anymore.

 

Please go talk to a therapist about this. I can't believe you want to scream at her and try to cause her as much emotional pain as you can. Do you know how selfish and sad that truly is?

 

You did all of this to yourself. She's not the bad guy here. It's just she doesn't like you that way, but you keep putting yourself in a position to get hurt. A woman is also not to be yelled at, unless she cheated on you while you guys were dating or married. Be a gentleman. Treat her like a lady.

 

Again, I don't know what else to say. I just repeating the same things over to you, but you never make an effort to take my advice... which is also many other people's advice too. It's time to step away from girls for a bit, and just focus on yourself.

There is no way that she is completely innocent in all this. She is very much at fault for giving me hope then taking it away. A decent girl would have told me long ago that she doesn't want to spend any time with me.

 

Her actions have caused me so much frustration. She needs to make up her f-ing mind.

1. Time to humble yourself and expand your horizons. Time to do new things or things you haven't done in a while (i.e. the activity night suggestion with your local church). By denying these suggestions, you're actually being quite prideful and stubborn. And that never leads to change

That's one suggestion. As I said countless times, I don't want to get involved with any church activity. I get angry whenever I hear somebody mention God or Jesus. I hate being around when people want to pray. I blame God for virtually everything that is wrong with me and my life. Being raised a Christian and being one for my entire life, I expected more.

2. Time to adopt a more positive attitude

Not exactly something I can just turn on. If you haven't realized, the things that are happening in my life are making me depressed and very angry. I have no reason to adopt a positive attitude. I don't even see how that is possible.

 

3. Time to quit obsessing over girls. Time to start focusing on yourself

I've been focusing on myself for my entire life. Always trying to improve myself.

 

And I can't quit obsessing over girls. Getting a girl in my life has been a top priority since I was 13. Virtually every straight man wants a woman in his life. It's completely natural. It's not something that I should have to forget about just because I have trouble. It's utter bullsh*t to be given these desires then to be told, "ho ho ho, you can't have that." I'm not training to be some desireless saint, I'm just a f-ing man.

Edited August 31, 2011 by somedude81

[betterdeal]

Sigh, today was supposed to be a nice day. Why not? It's my 30th birthday.

 

I got the day off work, was only going to go to one class then I pick her up, take her back to my place. Order a pizza and play games and watch movies. Could have been a great day.

 

Around 2:30 I get a text message: "hey dude i think we're going to have to cancel today- i recently found out my mom is in the hospital."

 

As soon as I got that text I knew my day was ruined. Now I didn't have a bad day, but it wasn't anything good about it.

 

I just talked to my mom and when I told her what happened with the girl the first thing she said was, "do you believe her?"

 

Sure why not? But it's a little too convenient of an excuse. I'm going to call her tomorrow and see if she wants to hang out this weekend. If not she better have a real excuse because I'm starting to get tired of her being unavailable.

 

So no concern for her mother's health?

[AHardDaysNight]

Somehow, the "mother in the hospital" excuse is a little too convenient. Yeah, it could be true, but the chances of it actually being true are probably very slim.

 

Yeah, she's stringing you along, and she's enjoying it. It's best to end it with her, because she's torturing you over a oneitis.

[HeavenOrHell]

There's nothing to end, they're not in a r/ship.

 

 

 

Somehow, the "mother in the hospital" excuse is a little too convenient. Yeah, it could be true, but the chances of it actually being true are probably very slim.

 

Yeah, she's stringing you along, and she's enjoying it. It's best to end it with her, because she's torturing you over a oneitis.

[HeavenOrHell]

>This semester has potential. Having a girl actually like me will turn my life around. But if nothing happens, I'm done.

Around 2:30 I get a text message: "hey dude i think we're going to have to cancel today- i recently found out my mom is in the hospital."

 

As soon as I got that text I knew my day was ruined. Now I didn't have a bad day, but it wasn't anything good about it<

 

 

Seriously, you can't make a girl or partner be the one thing which turns your life around, making another person your main focus in life is never a good idea. If you pin too much onto it will/does end in tears.

 

>There is no way that she is completely innocent in all this. She is very much at fault for giving me hope then taking it away. A decent girl would have told me long ago that she doesn't want to spend any time with me <

 

You've created a fantasy in your head, she didn't give you hope just by being friendly towards you, male and females can be friendly towards each other without it meaning they want more.

She is probably worried about letting you down as she will know how much importance you've placed on her, maybe she's nervous now about how you will react if she says she doesn't want to spend time with you, it's not an easy thing to say anyway, most f/ships which aren't working out just fade. What hope did she give you? Being friends with someone does not=leading someone on, even if she had flirted with you it does not mean you should have assumed she wanted a r/ship, people flirt all the time, but it doesn't sound like she flirted with you or gave you any sort of promises or anything, and people have the right to change their mind anyway. No f/ship or r/ship has a guarantee, sh*t happens to a lot of people a lot of the time. I felt so sorry for myself for several months after my ex left after 18 years, but there comes a point you have to pick yourself up and make the most of your life, you only get one chance and no-one else is going to make things better for you, only you can do that.

 

>Her actions have caused me so much frustration. She needs to make up her f-ing mind.

I know this girl isn't into me, she's just a little warmer than neutral. She'll use any excuse to not hang out. If she doesn't have a good excuse to not hang out, I'm seriously considering confronting her about it. My feelings for this girl are very strong, both positively and negatively. A huge part of me wants to yell at her and try to cause as much emotional pain to her that I can.<

 

Make up her mind? About what? Has she ever said said she's thinking about whether she wants a r/ship with you?

You said you know she's not into you, so why are you clinging on still?

If you pin all your hopes on one person you will be disappointed.

You seem to be focussed on her as she's friendlier to you than anyone else.

I wouldn't confront her about it, she's done nothing wrong.

It's quite scary that you said part of you wants to cause her emotional pain, no wonder she's not interested in you. You're sounding like a stalker when you say stuff like that. The last thing I want to do to any friend, or partner, or any ex, is to cause them pain of any kind.

You've probably scared her off with your intensity, she's probably too anxious to ask you to stop contacting her.

 

>That's one suggestion. As I said countless times, I don't want to get involved with any church activity. I get angry whenever I hear somebody mention God or Jesus. I hate being around when people want to pray. I blame God for virtually everything that is wrong with me and my life. Being raised a Christian and being one for my entire life, I expected more.<

 

I feel the same, but it was just a suggestion from someone trying to help. There's plenty of other things to get involved with if you look hard enough. Like I've said before I have pretty bad social anxiety, I've had to really push myself to do things.

 

Me and my partner have low self esteem and are shy, but I'm making sure I have my own life, work, friends so that my r/ship isn't my main focus, we don't look to each other for all of our happiness and confidence, it HAS to come from within, there's no other way, you have to be ok as a single person before being with a partner, something I've learnt from experience. I have enough confidence and independence, to be fine as a single person now, my partner enhances my life but he isn't the be all and end all. Our self esteem might not be high but neither he or I are clingy with each other or desperate to be in a r/ship, we have respect for ourselves.

 

>I'm going to make an appointment to see a therapist when school starts<

 

Has school started?

[AHardDaysNight]

There's nothing to end, they're not in a r/ship.

 

What he needs to end is his fixation on her.

 

That's why I called it a oneitis. She dangles him on strings for her own amusement, but I can't say that what he feels for her is what she feels for him.

[Els]

Wow, a girl tells him her mother is in the hospital, and you immediately assume it's a 'convenient excuse'?

 

While I do agree he should try and get over her in general, it does nothing for the OP's character growth to advise him to ignore or disbelieve a friend who says her mother is hospitalized.

[HeavenOrHell]

Agreed he needs to end his fixation on her.

 

I doubt she's dangling him though, she just wanted to be friends with him, or maybe spent time with him as she felt pressured to or felt sorry for him, I've not read anything by him him which suggests she lead him on at all.

 

 

What he needs to end is his fixation on her.

 

That's why I called it a oneitis. She dangles him on strings for her own amusement, but I can't say that what he feels for her is what she feels for him.

[somedude81]

So no concern for her mother's health?

Of course I showed concern for her mother.

 

Apparently she was waiting for news on her mothers status and that's why she couldn't hang out with me, on my birthday.

 

I don't know how valid of a reason that is. I'm guessing that she wasn't in an emotional state to have fun with me.

Somehow, the "mother in the hospital" excuse is a little too convenient. Yeah, it could be true, but the chances of it actually being true are probably very slim.

 

Yeah, she's stringing you along, and she's enjoying it. It's best to end it with her, because she's torturing you over a oneitis.

I don't think she's stringing me along exactly. It's a little complicated.

 

She definitely knows that I like her. And I think that she kinda likes me and or my company which is why she hangs out with me, but I'm not a priority. So if she's "busy" for a certain week she just won't agree to make plans. Yesterday was the first time she's ever canceled. Of course, X is in the hospital is one of the few valid reasons one can give to cancel.

 

Seriously, you can't make a girl or partner be the one thing which turns your life around, making another person your main focus in life is never a good idea. If you pin too much onto it will/does end in tears.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

 

My life just sucks and there are few things in it that I enjoy. Spending time with her is one of those things.

 

Also I've wanted a girl for so long now that it's basically become the only thing I want. Every thing else just keeps me from going insane.

You've created a fantasy in your head, she didn't give you hope just by being friendly towards you, male and females can be friendly towards each other without it meaning they want more.

No, she gives me hope by spending time with me while knowing that I want a relationship with her.

 

If the situations were reversed, I would never hang out with a girl when I had no feelings for her and knew she had them for me.

She is probably worried about letting you down as she will know how much importance you've placed on her, maybe she's nervous now about how you will react if she says she doesn't want to spend time with you, it's not an easy thing to say anyway, most f/ships which aren't working out just fade.

Why would she be nervous and worried about how I'd react when she lets me down? We've known each other for more than a year. When she doesn't want to hang out a certain time or do something I've only been disappointed but understanding. Then I leave her alone for several days then try to make plans for the next week and she usually agrees to those.

 

No f/ship or r/ship has a guarantee, sh*t happens to a lot of people a lot of the time. I felt so sorry for myself for several months after my ex left after 18 years, but there comes a point you have to pick yourself up and make the most of your life, you only get one chance and no-one else is going to make things better for you, only you can do that.

I know there is no guarantee and I don't expect one.

 

Make up her mind? About what? Has she ever said said she's thinking about whether she wants a r/ship with you?

You said you know she's not into you, so why are you clinging on still?

Not only does she spend time with me despite me wanting her to be my girlfriend; on several occasions she has said that she wants to get more comfortable with me before things go any further.

 

I've also gotten a lot closer to her since she initially rejected me. Before I asked her out, we were just school buddies. Then after that we start going on "dates." I've even brought her to my place a few times since then. What's up with that?

 

You seem to be focussed on her as she's friendlier to you than anyone else.

 

I wouldn't confront her about it, she's done nothing wrong.

Yes she's much friendlier than any girl has ever been towards me. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a girlfriend.

 

What I would confront her on is why she even bothers making plans with me. If she doesn't want to spend any time with me, then she should just say so instead of keep doing it.

 

I'm going to invite her out today for this weekend. If she says no, I'm going to ask her why with the intent of getting her to say that she doesn't want to see me anymore.

 

It's quite scary that you said part of you wants to cause her emotional pain, no wonder she's not interested in you.

Uh, I haven't come any where close to telling her something like that. Unless she's psychic, that's not a reason why she's not interested.

 

Honestly, I'm not very stable and when I get depressed I crash pretty hard. I could never hurt her. There is no denying that a part of me wants to but I can't do it.

 

I'm sure you know that there is a connection between love and hate and that it's possible to swing from one to the other in certain situations.

 

The last thing I want to do to any friend, or partner, or any ex, is to cause them pain of any kind.

So you've never wanted to or thought about hurting a partner or ex? Really now.

You're sounding like a stalker when you say stuff like that.

LOL no. That's not one thing a stalker does. I don't try to keep tabs on her and find out what she does. I don't even really ask what else she's doing when she doesn't want to hang out. I respect her space. Plus I know where she lives when she's on and off-campus and I only go there to pick her up.

 

You've probably scared her off with your intensity, she's probably too anxious to ask you to stop contacting her.

Heh, my intensity.

 

Here is the text message I sent her, word for word inviting her to hang out with me.

 

"Do you know what your schedule is for Tuesday"

 

"Nope"

 

"Heh. Well, my birthday is on Tuesday and it will be cool to hang out. You can buy an ice cream or something

 

"lol sure we can hang after my classes"

 

Clearly my intensity terrified her into agreeing to hang out...

 

 

 

 

I feel the same, but it was just a suggestion from someone trying to help. There's plenty of other things to get involved with if you look hard enough. Like I've said before I have pretty bad social anxiety, I've had to really push myself to do things.

Teknoe has consistently tried to get me to attend church activities. And I'm just making it perfectly clear that I want nothing to do with that type of stuff.

 

Me and my partner have low self esteem and are shy, but I'm making sure I have my own life, work, friends so that my r/ship isn't my main focus, we don't look to each other for all of our happiness and confidence, it HAS to come from within, there's no other way, you have to be ok as a single person before being with a partner, something I've learnt from experience.

At least you have experience. I've never even been given the chance to find out.

 

I do my own things and I don't always try to be with her. And if we actually do start dating, I'm going to have to figure out what the balance is so I don't scare her away.

 

Also actually getting a GF will dramatically boost my self-esteem. Once I have that, I can focus on the other things in my life.

[Teknoe]

LOL no. That's not one thing a stalker does.

 

 

The theme I notice with you, and what everyone else notices is, you give us all these long posts. We give you very valid feedback, THE TRUTH actually, but you always laugh it off and you're in denial. I can't count how many times you went "LOL, no" or "Far from it" or "Sorry to disappoint but this is not true at all." Again, pride and a stubborn attitude. Those two... never lead one to positive change. It's a slow, agonizing death.

 

I really dunno what else to say. Everything we say, you don't take into practice and many times, not even serious consideration. You reject almost every idea, and the ones you do accept, you don't do anyway. It always goes back to the "WOE IS ME. ALL I WANT IS A GF BUT NO GIRL GIVES ME A CHANCE. HOW CAN I BE HAPPY WHEN ALL I WANT IS A GIRL AND NO GIRL WANTS TO BE WITH ME?"

 

100% of the time.

 

It always goes back to this.

 

You want X badly. X being a girlfriend

 

But X isn't possible without doing Y first (self-improvement in various forms, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually)

 

We give you 100s of Y suggestions

 

You shoot them down 1 by 1. Or you say Maybe but we don't see you making a real effort to do it.

 

You complain some more about your luck/lot in life, blaming it on God and bad family genes, and go back to proclaiming X (If I can't have a GF, life is not worth living)

 

If you want X, you need to take care of Y.

 

But you refuse to take care of Y first.

 

Thus, this is nothing but a self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness and discontent.

 

Finally, regarding the church activity thing, there is NO Bible Study during an activity night. Jesus usually doesn't even come up in conversation. People just hang out. You using your whole "I've had bad experiences with Christianity" is just another cop-out for something that could actually really benefit you.

 

You claim you want to improve, but you don't need any risks or steps of faith. And you wonder why your life sucks? Because your attitude and choices SUCK.

 

Change your attitude, change your choices, and you'll start to slowly notice a difference. Seriously, how could it be ANY WORSE?

 

If I were you, I'd be trying all sorts of different things outside my comfort zone, just to break up what I normally do that hasn't been working.

 

Sadly, it wouldn't shock me, much like how she flakes on you, if you reply with your same denial and woe is me ramblings.

 

FOR ONCE JUST TRY SOMETHING!

[betterdeal]

I pity the poor girl whose self-esteem is low enough to end up in a relationship with this guy a he is now. She'll be suicidal by the end.

 

And he'll be angry. Because the fairy tale strategy didn't work out and his life still sucks and it must be her fault because she was supposed to be perfect and everything would change and why is she so f*cking miserable, the selfish bitch, and WHY WON'T SHE PUT THE LOTION ON???!???

 

Jesus.

[Teknoe]

You claim you want to improve, but you don't take any risks or steps of faith. And you wonder why your life sucks? Because your attitude and choices SUCK.

 

 

corrected the bold. previously "take" was "need" on accident

[Teknoe]

I pity the poor girl whose self-esteem is low enough to end up in a relationship with this guy a he is now. She'll be suicidal by the end.

 

And he'll be angry. Because the fairy tale strategy didn't work out and his life still sucks and it must be her fault because she was supposed to be perfect and everything would change and why is she so f*cking miserable, the selfish bitch, and WHY WON'T SHE PUT THE LOTION ON???!???

 

Jesus.

 

 

Yeah, it's a twisted circle. It's all on him, though. I am actually going to start a new thread of my own girl experiences here on Self-Improvement. I hope SD81 will stop by and give it a peek.