I feel like crap

[Badsingularity]

 

 

He hasn't had a GF in a long time and yet he's trying to tell me that his way is right.

 

Well, I'm telling you his way is right and I do have a GF and I don't have a problem attracting women. So, we can squash that as a reason not to believe him.

 

Read my posts in your thread

[Teknoe]

Well, I'm telling you his way is right and I do have a GF and I don't have a problem attracting women. So, we can squash that as a reason not to believe him.

 

Read my posts in your thread

 

 

You reap what you sow.

 

Sometimes it just takes a long(er) time. But it's always worth it. It's like the story of the man planting bamboo shoots, watering it bit by bit day by day. For years people laughed at him.

 

Until one day, years and years later, his bamboo shoots sprouted and were strong and steady as a rock. Their foundation was golden, because he spent time building it day by day over the years.

 

SomeDude seems to suffer from having tunnel vision. He's got to step back and look at the bigger picture here.

[PelicanPete]

I would have a hard time dating a girl who was a cutter or did something that caused her psychological harm.

 

I never said I wouldn't date myself. If you actually read my post you'd know that I did say there is a lot I can offer a girl.

 

The 22 page thread about how you don't like yourself and that your life sucks seems to disagree .

 

Incase you didn't realize, the person you described as having a hard time dating is yourself.

 

Do you not think all your negative thinking is causing you psychological harm? Read through this thread.

 

 

 

 

He hasn't had a GF in a long time and yet he's trying to tell me that his way is right.

 

Yeah, but the fact that he had one at all makes you think he must have done something right. He's gotten further ahead then you and he's giving you advice to get to that point, so why are you nitpicking?

 

 

 

I know there will be work involved in maintaining a relationship, and I look forward to the challenge.

 

BTW, where do you get the impression that I'm not working on my self.

 

The fact that your thoughts haven't evolved or progressed at all in this almost two month old thread.

 

Maybe instead of being so defensive towards people trying to help you, you can open your mind to new possibilities other than your own, considering yours doesn't seem to be working too well.

 

If you weren't planning on taking any advice or challenging yourself at all then why did you even make this thread in the first place?

[Trolly]

You sound like you are in a real bad way bro. From what i read you seem adamant on obsessing on the pain in your life be it consciously or subconsciously. Aside from seeking professional help interpersonally, you may want to give this a shot http://www.pstec.org/ .

 

The audio files are free, I have no affiliation with site and i've used them and they seemed to help me in certain long standing issues in my life from my childhood.

 

Best of luck

[somedude81]

Well, I'm telling you his way is right and I do have a GF and I don't have a problem attracting women. So, we can squash that as a reason not to believe him.

 

Read my posts in your thread

But I don't know anything about you. How good you look, how tall you are, what your relationship history is etc.

 

Certain advice works for certain types of men. If I kick back and relax, women will ignore me.

 

The 22 page thread about how you don't like yourself and that your life sucks seems to disagree .

 

Incase you didn't realize, the person you described as having a hard time dating is yourself.

 

Do you not think all your negative thinking is causing you psychological harm? Read through this thread.

Never mind the fact that all my negative thinking is caused by the fact that I don't have a girl. I dislike myself because I'm unable to get a girl. Now what will getting a girl do to me...

 

Yeah, but the fact that he had one at all makes you think he must have done something right. He's gotten further ahead then you and he's giving you advice to get to that point, so why are you nitpicking?

He said so himself that he had a girl seven years ago. I don't think he was aware of the advice he's giving to me now, back then. If it starts to work for him now, then I'll pay more attention.

 

 

 

 

The fact that your thoughts haven't evolved or progressed at all in this almost two month old thread.

You're right that my thoughts haven't progressed much. That's because nothing has changed for me in that time period. I'm still pining after this girl and I haven't gotten anywhere with other girls. Though I have met several new ones that I'm going to try with.

 

If you weren't planning on taking any advice or challenging yourself at all then why did you even make this thread in the first place?

I mainly made this thread to rant.

 

I was also looking for advice on how to get over her, and how to feel that my life has a purpose. And of course I'm open to any advice on getting her or any other girl.

 

And in the worst case scenario, this thread will be a record of my thoughts.

[PelicanPete]

Never mind the fact that all my negative thinking is caused by the fact that I don't have a girl. I dislike myself because I'm unable to get a girl. Now what will getting a girl do to me...

 

LOL, alright. So a girlfriend will solve all your problems? I guess when that happens, they'll find a cure for AIDS, world hunger will cease to exist, and the pope will donate the vatican to charity. Not liking yourself without a girls approval is a problem in itself, don't you agree?

 

He said so himself that he had a girl seven years ago. I don't think he was aware of the advice he's giving to me now, back then. If it starts to work for him now, then I'll pay more attention.

 

Alright. I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years which ended 9 months ago. Within these 9 months of being single, I know for a fact there were 3 women that were interested in me. Only when I was confident, happy with my life, and satisfied with who I was did these women come to me.. However, because I wasn't wanting a relationship at the time or had my eye on someone else, I never reciprocated.

 

First few months after my breakup with me being confused and depressed didn't attract anyone, which is probably a huge shock to you since I'm over 6ft .

 

When you are living a life for yourself, and not for other people , people are naturally drawn to that. I did what Teknoe is advising you to do, and it worked for me. In fact it's still working for me, but I've just become picky with who I want. What I learned from all this? Finding a relationship shouldn't be your top priority. If it is, it's pretty much already over before its even begun.

[Teknoe]

You're right that my thoughts haven't progressed much. That's because nothing has changed for me in that time period.

 

 

Your thoughts haven't progressed much -- this you yourself have verified publicly.

 

Now can you answer the big question. You just said above your thoughts haven't progressed because nothing has changed for you in the past couple months since this thread was created.

 

Now here's the big question.

 

Honestly, what changes have you attempted to make in your (thought) life the past couple months? The more specific you can be, the better.

 

If you made little to no changes, then, are you shocked your thoughts haven't progressed much? Based off your posts that reject almost every idea people give you, I'm inclined to predict you haven't attempted much change the past couple months.

 

Please be honest with this question.

 

There's a BIG difference between being proactive, trying different things, and still seeing no change vs. wishing for change but not doing much (if anything) about it.

[Badsingularity]

But I don't know anything about you. How good you look, how tall you are, what your relationship history is etc.

 

I'm 5'9" and 240lbs. I'm overweight. Even though I am, many women still show interest in me and I have to politely bring up the fact that I have a GF.

 

I'm 30 years old. I was a virgin until I was 25. Up until I was 25 I thought almost exactly the same way you do. I used to whine and complain and say that all women hated me. I also hated myself and thought that no women would ever want me. I BELEIVED this for a long time.

 

I never asked women out because I was scared to. I thought they would just reject me and tell me how ugly I was.

 

One day I got tired of my lot in life. I got angry and decided I was going to do something about it. I started working out for myself. I started doing things that I had known i should have been doing but hadn't due to fear. I decided to dig deep within myself and crush that fear.

 

I also started asking women out even though the thought of doing so scared me. I got rejected, I got confused, but you know what else happened? I learned alot about women. Eventually, I got my heart broken, kissed a lot of girls and then finaly found one that I realy liked and we have been together ever since.

 

Now you know.

[Teknoe]

One day I got tired of my lot in life. I got angry and decided I was going to do something about it. I started working out for myself. I started doing things that I had known i should have been doing but hadn't due to fear. I decided to dig deep within myself and crush that fear.

 

 

That's what SD needs to focus on right now. He is angry, but he has yet to take steps in order to make those positive life changes that you made.

 

SD, being angry is not a bad thing if you redirect that energy into reinventing yourself. Invest in your own stock man, and just chill out. Don't beat yourself up too much, especially over the ladies. Work on you, your thought life, get some healthy habits, mingle with people your age, eat better, maybe lose 5-10 pounds, live life doing the things you want with no fear... the rest will naturally take care of itself.

[turnera]

He hasn't had a GF in a long time and yet he's trying to tell me that his way is right.

My DD21 is model-beautiful, super smart, aiming for a PhD, and she has been without a boyfriend coming up on 2 years in November. When her do-nothing boyfriend from back home - who never went to college but just started working for his mom, and still lives at home - dumped her, she just shrugged him off and focused on making friends and getting through school. She just this past weekend met someone she thought was worth pursuing.

 

She chose to not NEED a partner. Does that make her a loser or making bad choices? I think not.

[cerridwen]

I may have missed it but did you secure a therapy appointment, sd?

[Teknoe]

I dunno if SD's read the posts on this page yet... if he's processing it... but I just want to say, SD, we're all rooting for you here, man. Seriously. We would love nothing better than for you to actually make some positive progress. But we also need to be honest, since that's what friends do. In a way, I consider you a LoveShack friend, and I'm sure others in this thread feel the same way -- you have a place in our hearts. We believe you are NOT a lost cause. We believe you CAN get better/healthier.

 

We've spent over 20 pages trying to help you, but one consistency I've noticed is you always spin everything to go back to a pity party "woe is me" act. That is just not healthy.

 

You gotta be more open, man. You can't just say "no" to that idea, "not for me" to this idea, and "Are you serious?"

 

At this point, if I were you I'd be doing most of the things people in this thread have suggested.

 

You need to truly put this in your heart: nothing will ever change if you don't.

 

Please, for once, do not reply to all our posts on this page and go back to "woe is me" pity party perspective. For once, can you please put your foot down, say "I've had it with beating myself up. I'm tired of this. It's time I get out there and try some things out. I'll go skydiving. I'll try to make friends again. I'll give therapy another shot. And, while I still don't like religion, an activity night like bowling? No Bible. No church. Just bowling? OK, let me try that at least once too"

 

JUST DO SOMETHING!

[HeavenOrHell]

I've had partners with low self esteem but they still had self respect, no desperation, apart from one, he had no respect for himself and it got to me, it was irritating, it was one of the reasons I left him, plus he was so wrapped up in his depression and himself that he didn't show much love for me. Had another partner with severe depression but he had still had self respect and a lot of love for me.

 

 

 

When you have had feelings for a woman, thought not in a relationship with her, did you truly care if she loved herself?

 

[somedude81]

To the guys who said that women came to them when you were feeling good, what does that actually mean? How obvious/aggressive were the women? How often did women show interest before you were feeling your best?

I may have missed it but did you secure a therapy appointment, sd?

Not yet.

I've had partners with low self esteem but they still had self respect, no desperation, apart from one, he had no respect for himself and it got to me, it was irritating, it was one of the reasons I left him, plus he was so wrapped up in his depression and himself that he didn't show much love for me. Had another partner with severe depression but he had still had self respect and a lot of love for me.

Why would you even be with somebody who didn't show love for you?

 

I wish women would let me love them.

 

How did he have no respect for himself?

-------------

 

Last night was my weekly social dance class and it basically confirmed with me that I don't know how to flirt with women at all. It's frustrating seeing other guys make women laugh and the girl respond in ways that say they like the guys. And none of that happens with me. After class I was sitting down making small talk with a girl than one of the guys comes up to her and gives her his phone. I wanted to knock him out for being so disrespectful but I just got up and left. She obviously got along better with him anyways.

 

So far there is one girl who seems nicer than all the rest but I can't tell if she's just being really friendly when dancing. I had one conversation with her and something just didn't seem right. One thing that bugs me is that her hair is very short, basically guy length and she wears too much makeup, especially on her eyes. Beggars can't be choosers?

 

I had a silly little conversation with text with that girl last night. Knowing there was no chance she'd go, I invited her to go to the first Salsa Club dance on campus. She replied "over my stone cold dead body maybe lol" So then I joked about turning her into a zombie and taking her with me. It's fun playing with her, we just click so well.

 

I've tried to get her out dancing with me before and she's always declined and tells me how much she doesn't like dancing. So it's become one of our jokes that I'd invite her out and she over exaggerates her response. Getting a maybe from her was odd. Either way she has a night class at that time and can't make it. I'm going to leave her alone for the rest of the week and try to get her to hang out next week.

[Queen Zenobia]

 

Last night was my weekly social dance class and it basically confirmed with me that I don't know how to flirt with women at all. It's frustrating seeing other guys make women laugh and the girl respond in ways that say they like the guys. And none of that happens with me. After class I was sitting down making small talk with a girl than one of the guys comes up to her and gives her his phone. I wanted to knock him out for being so disrespectful but I just got up and left. She obviously got along better with him anyways.

 

So far there is one girl who seems nicer than all the rest but I can't tell if she's just being really friendly when dancing. I had one conversation with her and something just didn't seem right. One thing that bugs me is that her hair is very short, basically guy length and she wears too much makeup, especially on her eyes. Beggars can't be choosers?

 

I had a silly little conversation with text with that girl last night. Knowing there was no chance she'd go, I invited her to go to the first Salsa Club dance on campus. She replied "over my stone cold dead body maybe lol" So then I joked about turning her into a zombie and taking her with me. It's fun playing with her, we just click so well.

 

I've tried to get her out dancing with me before and she's always declined and tells me how much she doesn't like dancing. So it's become one of our jokes that I'd invite her out and she over exaggerates her response. Getting a maybe from her was odd. Either way she has a night class at that time and can't make it. I'm going to leave her alone for the rest of the week and try to get her to hang out next week.

 

I know you're not going to take my advice, but I'll try to give you some anyway. I think you need to avoid that girl. It's an unhealthy situation. You like her, she doesn't like you like that (or at least isn't sure, or she has issues, whatever). Continuing to hang around her doesn't seem to be helping the situation.

 

As for flirting, etc.: you should try to be as ridiculous as possible (in a good way). Be silly, tease the women, be sarcastic, but don't care about what they think. I can't believe I'm going to say this but you need to view women as disposable (or at least more disposable than you currently do).

 

Someone else recommended sports, what sports have you tried to get involved in that would help you make friends?

[somedude81]

I know you're not going to take my advice, but I'll try to give you some anyway. I think you need to avoid that girl. It's an unhealthy situation. You like her, she doesn't like you like that (or at least isn't sure, or she has issues, whatever). Continuing to hang around her doesn't seem to be helping the situation.

But she's the one person I have fun with. The closest thing I have to a friend.

 

And if she's just unsure or has issues, then that means things could possibly change.

 

As for flirting, etc.: you should try to be as ridiculous as possible (in a good way). Be silly, tease the women, be sarcastic, but don't care about what they think. I can't believe I'm going to say this but you need to view women as disposable (or at least more disposable than you currently do).

Thanks for the tips. Be ridiculous, sarcastic and tease.

 

But don't care what they think and consider them disposable. That's a really different way of looking at things.

Someone else recommended sports, what sports have you tried to get involved in that would help you make friends?

Surfing, co-ed softball and flag football.

[Queen Zenobia]

But she's the one person I have fun with. The closest thing I have to a friend.

 

And if she's just unsure or has issues, then that means things could possibly change.

 

But is she worth driving yourself insane over? Sometimes you have to have to courage to walk away.

 

 

Thanks for the tips. Be ridiculous, sarcastic and tease.

 

But don't care what they think and consider them disposable. That's a really different way of looking at things.

 

Well, you have to treat them that way until they prove themselves important to you. And that doesn't mean treat them like garbage, but don't worry about what they think or do. You flirt with a girl and what's the worst that would happen? She'd think you're a creep or she'll reject your efforts? So what? Don't talk to her again, her loss not your's.

 

Surfing, co-ed softball and flag football.

 

Those sound fun (though I've never been surfing). Are you still playing them or did you stop?

[turnera]

If she says she doesn't want to go dancing, why don't you just invite her for a picnic or something?

[somedude81]

But is she worth driving yourself insane over? Sometimes you have to have to courage to walk away.

Is she worth it? That depends if I can get her or not

 

I need to cool my thoughts with her, but I'm also going to keep trying till she tells me to stop.

 

Well, you have to treat them that way until they prove themselves important to you. And that doesn't mean treat them like garbage, but don't worry about what they think or do. You flirt with a girl and what's the worst that would happen? She'd think you're a creep or she'll reject your efforts? So what? Don't talk to her again, her loss not your's.

That is something I really need to think about.

Those sound fun (though I've never been surfing). Are you still playing them or did you stop?

The softball got really boring and nobody on the team wanted to practice. Most people seemed to sign up with a couple of their friends and nobody was open to making new ones, which was why I was there in the first place.

 

The flag football was basically full-contact when you're on defense and you don't wear any pads or a helmet. After getting hurt a couple of times I had enough.

If she says she doesn't want to go dancing, why don't you just invite her for a picnic or something?

We've gone out to eat many times. While we haven't been on a picnic, we've done stuff similar. Closest is probably having snacks on the beach.

 

The reason I keep on wanting to take her dancing is because it's something that I really enjoy and I want to do it with her. The last time she "danced" was her prom 3-4 years ago. I want to have her go out with me at least once, then she can decide if she doesn't like it or not.

[turnera]

Sorry, but that's a selfish reason to take her out, and I'm sure she senses it, too. Girls want you to care about THEM, not yourself. If you want to go out with her so bad, find something SHE wants to do.

[somedude81]

Everything we've done together she wanted to do, that kind of goes without saying as she wouldn't do them if she didn't want to. It's basically been my job to present with her with something to do and she tells me yes or no.

 

I want to show her new things that she hasn't done before as she's a bit of a homebody.

[Teknoe]

But she's the one person I have fun with. The closest thing I have to a friend.

 

This is your CORE problem. You are way too desperate to cling onto any girl that shows you any sort of attention. That's why you need PLATONIC friends. So you don't put all your energy into a crush. So you have other people to hang out with. So you have people KEEPING YOU IN CHECK (kind of like how we're trying to do that, but in real life it's so much more effective).

 

One of the problems here is you really need to just stop. Stop all this "How do I flirt better?" business. Stop this "How do I get the girl?" business. Everything is focused on GIRLS. I'm sorry, did you post this thread in DATING forum, or SELF-IMPROVEMENT? Notice how you're focused on how to get a girlfriend, rather than focusing on building yourself up.

 

As long as you do that, nothing's going to change.

 

Perfect example: You didn't sign up for therapy again.

 

Did you even listen to Ross' self-help links posted back on like, page 15?

 

I'm guessing no, right?

 

Well there's your answer. You talk about change. But you don't do anything positive about it. Instead you continue to pin your hopes on the opposite sex fulfilling you, while having no friends and no dignity.

 

That will always be a dead end. We're trying to plead with you to understand this. We're not trying to PREVENT you from experiencing a girlfriend relationship. We're actually trying to promote qualities that if you develop will actually lead into naturally having a girlfriend. But right now you need a mind and heart break from the ladies.

 

Take a heart break from girl obsessing/chasing... or you will continue experiencing heartbreak.

 

It's that simple.

 

Just imagine if you put all the energy you focus on girls into actual self-improvement...

 

The rest of this thread, if you want it to be a healthy thread, should look like this: "Hey guys, I tried ____'s idea yesterday. Here's how it went" RATHER than "Met this new girl yesterday. Not really into her but beggars can't be choosers, right? So, how do I ask her out?"

 

By focusing so much on girls you really are avoiding the key core issues here. And as long as you continue to do that, self-improvement will actually never happen. Then you come back here to whine about how your lot in life sucks. It's a self-defeating pattern. Time to change it up, and do things that don't necessarily focus on the opposite sex.

[Teknoe]

Your thoughts haven't progressed much -- this you yourself have verified publicly.

 

Now can you answer the big question. You just said above your thoughts haven't progressed because nothing has changed for you in the past couple months since this thread was created.

 

Now here's the big question.

 

Honestly, what changes have you attempted to make in your (thought) life the past couple months? The more specific you can be, the better.

 

If you made little to no changes, then, are you shocked your thoughts haven't progressed much? Based off your posts that reject almost every idea people give you, I'm inclined to predict you haven't attempted much change the past couple months.

 

Please be honest with this question.

 

There's a BIG difference between being proactive, trying different things, and still seeing no change vs. wishing for change but not doing much (if anything) about it.

 

 

Your response please.

[HeavenOrHell]

I was young and naive, I didn't stay with him, I left him. Hard to explain but he really didn't like himself much, but he wouldn't make any steps to changing himself, was depressing to be around, I ended up feeling irritated by him.

When we split he had a breakdown, probably partly as he knew no-one else would put up with him. Sad though as he was actually a nice bloke, I just needed to see some effort from him, in all areas of his life.

 

 

 

 

Why would you even be with somebody who didn't show love for you?

 

I wish women would let me love them.

 

How did he have no respect for himself?

-

[somedude81]

I was young and naive, I didn't stay with him, I left him. Hard to explain but he really didn't like himself much, but he wouldn't make any steps to changing himself, was depressing to be around, I ended up feeling irritated by him.

When we split he had a breakdown, probably partly as he knew no-one else would put up with him. Sad though as he was actually a nice bloke, I just needed to see some effort from him, in all areas of his life.

How much of his depression did you know about before you started dating? How long did you put up with him? And if you don't mind me asking, what attracted you to him?