I feel like crap

[turnera]

I'm starting to get very scared about my future. I've been rejected by every girl I've ever liked.

So I'll ask you again, what are you doing about THAT? If you have a 0 batting average, there's a reason and nothing is going to change until you find out what that reason is. Therapy? Ask family and friends for brutally honest assessment? Ask girls who've turned you down for the same? You gotta figure out what it is that's turning girls off, and WORK on it. Could be as simple as bad breath, could be as big as you seem weird. But you have to find out the truth. I know you're here for advice, but we don't know you and we can't replace the real thing.

[turnera]

Just so you know, my daughter is 21 and she simply won't even CONSIDER dating anyone older than 25. Won't even give them the time of day. She considers anyone older than that creepy and SO not in tune with her and her age group.

[fortyninethousand322]

Just so you know, my daughter is 21 and she simply won't even CONSIDER dating anyone older than 25. Won't even give them the time of day. She considers anyone older than that creepy and SO not in tune with her and her age group.

 

Yeah this makes a lot of sense. I think guys like SD81 who don't have a lot of dating/relationship experience just have a hard time relating to girls who do (in his case other 30 year olds). It's not so much of an age thing as it is a being able to relate to each thing. I know for me I don't care about a girl's age but I would feel extremely intimidated if she was experienced (not just sexually but with dating and such). I would think I wasn't good enough or she wouldn't have patience with me, etc.

[fortyninethousand322]

The reason that is seems like I'm treating her as the "end-all/be-all" is because I'm starting to get very scared about my future. I've been rejected by every girl I've ever liked. That's somewhere around 15-20 girls since I was 13. So if this girl gives me a hard rejection and making me move on, I have little hope that the next one won't reject me either.

 

I'm very tried of meeting and getting to know new girls. It's just a pointless, exhausting cycle of repeating failure.

 

There are three girls in my dance class that I'm considering asking out, but because on my life experiences, I'm pretty sure that they will all say no.

 

I relate to this 150%. Especially the bolded part.

 

I had a situation similar to the one you have with this girl a few years ago. We hit it off great, she seemed interested but a bit weird/shy but she always kept me at an arms length in terms of taking things further. The only thing that kept me from turning into how you are now is the fact that she moved to a different country. Otherwise I'd probably be still trying to get her to want to date me.

 

And as for asking other girls out, sometimes when all you've known is failure that's basically what you start to expect. It's like a pervasive culture of losing that clouds your dating life.

[fortyninethousand322]

Teknoe, while I may not know SD81 in real life, I do think you're off base with your assessment. The guy you describe in your story sounds to me more like an a** hole than an awkward person. I've known both kinds of people, the problems they have are very different in nature.

 

Awkward, shy, inexperienced guys have problems getting girls because they can't seem to get the girls to be attracted to them or see them "in that light". These guys typically end up hanging on for dear life for any girl who shows some interest. Guys like Bill, they have a hard time with women because they're a** holes (like I said earlier).

 

As for being obsessed, what do you expect? The guy is 30, he wants a relationship. Lots of guys his age are married already. Asking him not to be obsessed with getting a girlfriend is like asking a football team by 21 points in the fourth quarter to not be obsessed with scoring touchdowns. Extremely unrealistic.

[cerridwen]

Teknoe, while I may not know SD81 in real life, I do think you're off base with your assessment. The guy you describe in your story sounds to me more like an a** hole than an awkward person. I've known both kinds of people, the problems they have are very different in nature.

 

Awkward, shy, inexperienced guys have problems getting girls because they can't seem to get the girls to be attracted to them or see them "in that light". These guys typically end up hanging on for dear life for any girl who shows some interest. Guys like Bill, they have a hard time with women because they're a** holes (like I said earlier).

 

As for being obsessed, what do you expect? The guy is 30, he wants a relationship. Lots of guys his age are married already. Asking him not to be obsessed with getting a girlfriend is like asking a football team by 21 points in the fourth quarter to not be obsessed with scoring touchdowns. Extremely unrealistic.

 

I dig you.

 

SOMEDUDE! Interested in your opinion of tman's post when you get around to it.

 

I love the way he thinks.

And I'm also curious if you're able to shift your energy, your perspective toward the positive, and find yet another "second wind."

I'm kinda hearing you are.

When you speak of these girls in your dance class, my heart sings with optimism!

 

I realize digging deep is more challenging for people with forms of depression.

But, it's still necessary for navigating Life.

 

Hm. What am I asking.

Guess I'm curious to know what's left in your tank.

I'm hoping you have at least a quarter full at this point because there's a lot more road and I'm sensing good things ahead.

Edited September 30, 2011 by cerridwen

[turnera]

Bill shouted out "THEY'RE ALL BLACK!!!"

Sorry, just gotta share this quick T/J you reminded me of. At our wedding reception, which we held at our house (we were dead broke), people were coming after they closed up the store we all worked at. My stepmother (Evil Witch of the Southwest) opened the door when they knocked, and promptly slammed the door in their faces and yelled across the house to us, 'there's some black people outside!' I promptly ran to open the door and apologize for her, and luckily they accepted and stayed, lol.

[somedude81]

It seems like this girl has already rejected you for dating and just wants to be friends- so why push the issue?

Because she's so great.

 

How often am I going to meet a pretty nerd girl that likes almost everything I do?

 

That will just alienate her and make your friendship dissipate. Enlist HER as your winggirl!

She'll actually be pretty useless as a wing-girl. She rarely goes out (neither do I) and I don't think she has that many female friends. I don't know how having her as a wing-girl can help. There's also the fact that I'm completely obsessed with her. The only way I can get over is is if I go no contact and then pray I don't run into her again.

 

But if you go at her directly, if she doesn't see you that way, it will make things awkward.

I have been going at her directly. I don't know if things are awkward with her or not.

I also think you are fishing in the wrong pond. I get that you are still in college and are surrounded by young girls- but you are 30.

I must have been fishing in the wrong poll as well, when I was in High School and when I first started Jr. College because the girls never liked me.

 

 

One of the suggestions above was to volunteer- that's a good way to meet girls who arendt age appropriate for you. Another way would to be to get a part time job off campus- like in a restaurant as a server or host. Waitstaff are notorious for dating each other. And I don't want to hear that you wouldn't be interested or have anything in common with a 30 year old waitress. Many people do that job as a second job to supplement their income, or in transition periods when they are interviewing for "real" jobs, etc.

I currently have a retail job, though all the girls there are either 18-24 or 40+.

 

I fully believe that a girl ~22 is perfectly age appropriate for me. Simply because I'm still in college, haven't lived in the real world and I have no relationship/sexual experience. Any woman my age that I date would expect a hell of a lot more from me that I can provide.

I know you're tired of hearing this, but you need to chill out man! Relax!

 

If I remember correctly, you're approaching graduating with your degree. You're presumably going to be going out and finding a career in your field.

I'm going to graduate in a year or so.

 

My field is IT, which is basically male dominated. So odds are I'll end up working in a department where very few women will be present. Though I'm sure I'll make friends and that should hep.

 

It's a great opportunity to make new friends, move someplace different, pick up new hobbies, and reinvent yourself, so to speak. You can leave your past failures in the past!

 

Try to look at it as a great chance for a fresh start.

I don't know if you were aware. But I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area. I moved to SoCal a few years ago to go to college down here. It was supposed to be a "great chance for a fresh start." I had in mind to do everything you listed. Yeah I did make new friends and get new hobbies, but my experiences with women didn't change.

 

And once I graduate, something tells me that it will be even harder to meet girls.

So I'll ask you again, what are you doing about THAT? If you have a 0 batting average, there's a reason and nothing is going to change until you find out what that reason is. Therapy?

I've been in therapy for a few years. The reason why I stopped going was because they were unable to figure out why I'm doing so poorly with women.

 

All I remember doing is learning ways to trick my brain into thinking life isn't as bad as it really is, and then accepting that women are people too who also have relationship issues.

 

The only thing I really gained was a way to manage my negative thoughts, which was certainly helpful. But I don't have any hope that going back can accomplish anything.

 

 

Ask family

My family only tells me that I'm a really good looking guy ()and they don't know why I do bad with girls. They tell me to be respectful and have good manners.

 

 

and friends for brutally honest assessment? Ask girls who've turned you down for the same?

A while ago I actually asked her for some advice and she told me that I come off friendly at first and then I shift gears into being more romantic. That's why she basically had lunch with me on campus twice, and it wasn't till after she accepted going on a real date with me, that she realized I was interested. That was over a year ago.

You gotta figure out what it is that's turning girls off, and WORK on it. Could be as simple as bad breath, could be as big as you seem weird. But you have to find out the truth. I know you're here for advice, but we don't know you and we can't replace the real thing.

I don't think the issue is that I'm turning girls off, it's that I'm not turning girls on.

 

It's like guys are an on-off switch. While girls are like an airplane control panel filled with buttons, knobs and levers. Flick the switches in the wrong order if you hit them at all and she'll be able to drive but never be able to get off the ground (get interested)

Just so you know, my daughter is 21 and she simply won't even CONSIDER dating anyone older than 25. Won't even give them the time of day. She considers anyone older than that creepy and SO not in tune with her and her age group.

 

Yeah this makes a lot of sense. I think guys like SD81 who don't have a lot of dating/relationship experience just have a hard time relating to girls who do (in his case other 30 year olds). It's not so much of an age thing as it is a being able to relate to each thing. I know for me I don't care about a girl's age but I would feel extremely intimidated if she was experienced (not just sexually but with dating and such). I would think I wasn't good enough or she wouldn't have patience with me, etc.

49322 is right.

 

I relate much better to younger girls than I do ones my age. If somebody described me and what I've done, nobody would ever guess that I'm 30.

I relate to this 150%. Especially the bolded part.

 

I had a situation similar to the one you have with this girl a few years ago. We hit it off great, she seemed interested but a bit weird/shy but she always kept me at an arms length in terms of taking things further. The only thing that kept me from turning into how you are now is the fact that she moved to a different country. Otherwise I'd probably be still trying to get her to want to date me.

Interesting. So the thing that forced you to move on was her moving away.

 

How close did she let you get to her?

 

And as for asking other girls out, sometimes when all you've known is failure that's basically what you start to expect. It's like a pervasive culture of losing that clouds your dating life.

Yeah, I desperately need a W.

 

I need to know that I am doable. So far it's been, "Survey says; no."

And I'm also curious if you're able to shift your energy, your perspective toward the positive, and find yet another "second wind."

I'm kinda hearing you are.

When you speak of these girls in your dance class, my heart sings with optimism!

Shift toward the positive?

 

Ugh, I don't want to be responsible for your heart to stop singing.

 

My main issue I have now, is that I don't like getting excited or hopeful because I'm so used to nothing working out.

 

But here's what's up, on Tuesday which is the day the class meets, I will try to lay the ground work for at least one of the girls, meaning just finding out if she is single which may be enough for her gather that I'm interested.

 

I realize digging deep is more challenging for people with forms of depression.

But, it's still necessary for navigating Life.

 

Hm. What am I asking.

Guess I'm curious to know what's left in your tank.

I'm hoping you have at least a quarter full at this point because there's a lot more road and I'm sensing good things ahead.

At least a quarter full? That's about right. Though the rate fuel is burned isn't constant. If nothing happens with these girls and things go bad with the other girl, I'll be pretty much running on fumes.

 

I really want to avoid having a crash in the middle of the school year.

[tman666]

This might sound kind of off the wall, Somedude, but hear me out: who, if any, are your role models?

 

They don't have to be people in real life. I'm just curious as to what kind of traits resonate with you.

 

For example, I look up to various people, but one of them is my friend Derek. He's strong, personable with everyone he meets (regardless of their background), uncommonly upbeat and positive, etc. (no homo).

 

I see how people relate to him and how he makes everyone around him feel comfortable and built up rather than pulled down. He's a true leader and motivator.

 

I'll never be Derek, nor would I want to be. However, I see his positive traits and try to emulate them in my own way to better myself.

 

What I'm asking you is this: what kind of traits do you try to emulate? It could be anyone (movie character, book character, video game character).

 

I know this sounds somewhat childish and pointless, but I think that sometimes having a picture of what you would want to be like is a good start to knowing what direction to take.

[fortyninethousand322]

 

Interesting. So the thing that forced you to move on was her moving away.

 

How close did she let you get to her?

 

Well yes and no. Towards the end of the spring semester that year (approaching summer) it became somewhat obvious that things weren't going the way I wanted them to, and that she clearly wasn't as interested in me as I was in her. To this day I'm not really sure if it was because I failed to move fast enough or because she was just never interested. Anyway, I decided not to contact her ever again. But, as soon as school started up again and I saw her on campus I couldn't avoid talking to her, being drawn to her etc. It really took everything in my power to not call/text her as I used to (that and a lot of hanging out with friends to distract me) and even then I still failed sometimes. It wasn't until she finally moved away that I was able to fully move on.

 

Yeah, I desperately need a W.

 

I need to know that I am doable. So far it's been, "Survey says; no."

 

Shift toward the positive?

 

 

As cynical as I am, and as much as I'm a perpetual Negative Nelly, I will say this: hope springs eternal. Buck up man! The (lowly) Detroit Lions are 3-0, the Tampa Bay Rays just made the baseball playoffs, and a bunch of poor unarmed protesters toppled a heavily armed Egyptian military regime using nothing but chants and signs. Surely, nothing is impossible.

[turnera]

You didn't say anything about the volunteering.

[somedude81]

This might sound kind of off the wall, Somedude, but hear me out: who, if any, are your role models?

 

They don't have to be people in real life. I'm just curious as to what kind of traits resonate with you.

 

For example, I look up to various people, but one of them is my friend Derek. He's strong, personable with everyone he meets (regardless of their background), uncommonly upbeat and positive, etc. (no homo).

 

I see how people relate to him and how he makes everyone around him feel comfortable and built up rather than pulled down. He's a true leader and motivator.

 

I'll never be Derek, nor would I want to be. However, I see his positive traits and try to emulate them in my own way to better myself.

 

What I'm asking you is this: what kind of traits do you try to emulate? It could be anyone (movie character, book character, video game character).

 

I know this sounds somewhat childish and pointless, but I think that sometimes having a picture of what you would want to be like is a good start to knowing what direction to take.

There isn't anybody real or fiction, that I look up to. I don't really know any guys that have qualities that I can admire or emulate. People on TV and movies are just characters and they often have extreme personality traits.

 

I just want to be a guy who has a successful business and social life. Who has a woman by his side.

 

You didn't say anything about the volunteering.

And you didn't say anything about everything else that wrote addressing your points.

 

You've done that before as well. I write a bunch of stuff to you and then you ignore it.

Edited October 1, 2011 by somedude81

[ptp]

This might sound kind of off the wall, Somedude, but hear me out: who, if any, are your role models?

 

They don't have to be people in real life. I'm just curious as to what kind of traits resonate with you.

 

Mine: George Clooney in Ocean's 11

 

 

"You're a thief and a liar. "

"I only lied about being a thief, I don't do that anymore. "

 

Love the quotes in that movie:laugh:.

[turnera]

And you didn't say anything about everything else that wrote addressing your points.

 

You've done that before as well. I write a bunch of stuff to you and then you ignore it.

Is it my job to give you a response to every single thing you say? I read what you write and, on the things that I feel you're not gaining any insight about, I bring it up again.

[Teknoe]

I just want to be a guy who has a successful business and social life.

 

 

Yes, it's important to have friends.

 

Glad you realize this.

 

What are you doing currently that is helping you to have the successful social life you desire?

[Eclypse]

I think everyone should have someone they look up to and admire. For me it's Mulder from the X Files and Detective Stabler from Law and Order SVU. Both extremely dedicated and passionate toward their work, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. They don't let anything stand in their way. And of course both are extremely hot headed and get violent when someone pushes them over the edge. It's that raw passion that they exhibit that makes them great characters.

 

SD it doesn't matter whether you lock up pedophiles or chase aliens the most important thing is to be passionate about what you do. That's what's gonna attract women. You need to display confidence.

 

Cheerfulness and smiling are great too. Here in Australia there's a football player called Brad Johnson who was always smiling, all the time. And it was a genuine, big hearted grin of a man who loved what he was doing and people loved him for that. I'm a guy and it was hard not to be uplifted by him, even when his team lost several preliminary finals in a row by just a few points. If your real life demeanor is anything like on LS it can turn women off.

[Beachgirl8]

I think what Teknoe and Turnera are getting at is pretty simple, and they aren't picking on you. When something hasn't worked for a long time, there is a bigger issue at stake than just the details we are focusing on. What I've noticed so far is that your overall attitude is negative, and any suggestions are replied to with reasons why they won't work. It's totally understandable that your attitude has become negative over time when it comes to girls, it must be very frustrating to be trying and trying and feeling like you've never even been given a chance. But only you can change that attitude, and changing it will only help you in the long run, which is sort of the point in the first place, right? You don't want to keep perpetuating this negative cycle, you want to change it.

I know it's a silly movie, but I suggest you rent "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. If you've already seen it, watch it again and really let the overall meassge sink in. When you are closed and negative, bad and or nothing happens. When you are open minded, all sorts of things will happen- some bad, some good, some scary. But you have to have an open mind and a positive attitude for anything significant to change.

It seems like you are too focused on this one girl because in your mind you see it as the closest you've come to "getting" a girl in a long time. I really do hope that somehow this one works out for you and us Internet people are all wrong. But if it doesn't work out with her, try to think of things differently a little bit. You don't need to go "no contact" with her because you were never in a relationship and therefore there's no breakup- it's just two friends where one had a crush on the other and just needs to get over it. Unless you can't get past it and stop obsessing about her- but then again THAT is the problem, not that she rejected your romantic advances. You could choose to take it in stride, remain friends with her, and enlist her as a girl friend/ confidante who you can talk to IRL about future girls you are interested. Being there, knowing you, and being a female that likes you enough to be your friend give her a significant advantage on being able to give you good advice over us.

Anyway, I want to reiterate that I do hope it works out this time and you get yourself out of this rut. I think your story resonates with me because in a strange way, I can relate. I got knocked up when I was 18. And no matter how cute or smart or funny a girl is, having a BABY is an automatic disqualifier as a dating prospect for a lot of guys. Yes, I did that to myself and you did nothing to deserve your height. But I've never NOT had a kid in all my adult dating life. There's even another thread right now on LS about "why you shouldn't date single moms"

But I never ever let this bother me. It just IS. I can't change it. So whatever, some guys refuse to date me. Who cares? There are plenty of others who want to. So one thing I never did was waste time on a guy who was hesitant about me BEFORE we were even in a relationship! I friend zoned them in my mind- I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, not someone I have to convince that I am worthy of dating them. Seriously, F that. It takes a thick skin and a positive attitude, but you can do it. I've never had a problem getting guys interested in me. But I am certain that if I stayed in a rut with a negative attitude and fixated on dudes that weren't interested in dating me because of something that was unchangeable, I would have gone dateless and relationshipless throughout my 20's as well.

I feel like I'm rambling now, I hope some of this made sense.

[somedude81]

What I've noticed so far is that your overall attitude is negative, and any suggestions are replied to with reasons why they won't work. It's totally understandable that your attitude has become negative over time when it comes to girls, it must be very frustrating to be trying and trying and feeling like you've never even been given a chance.

I fully admit that I have a negative attitude. Thank you for understanding why.

 

As for the suggestions. I've tried a lot of things and know what my issues are and what they aren't. For example with turnera she made a big deal about volunteering, which there is nothing wrong with. My mom mentioned it too. I see volunteering as something I can do to possibly meet girls. But my issue is not that I don't meet any girls. I meet and interact with girls all the time. So meeting more isn't going to help.

 

All it would do is increase the number of girls I would ask out and get rejected by. Unless volunteering is going to make girls want to date me, then I don't see the point. I figure I'll be better off taking a yoga class where there will be 3 times as many girls as men.

 

 

But only you can change that attitude, and changing it will only help you in the long run, which is sort of the point in the first place, right? You don't want to keep perpetuating this negative cycle, you want to change it.

I know it's a silly movie, but I suggest you rent "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. If you've already seen it, watch it again and really let the overall meassge sink in. When you are closed and negative, bad and or nothing happens. When you are open minded, all sorts of things will happen- some bad, some good, some scary. But you have to have an open mind and a positive attitude for anything significant to change.

I don't know how readily I can change my attitude. It is mainly based on my experiences. Though I do try to start each day with an open mind. I'm just really careful to not get excited about anything.

 

It seems like you are too focused on this one girl because in your mind you see it as the closest you've come to "getting" a girl in a long time.

Not just in a long time, this is the closest I have ever come to having a girlfriend. And then considering how far I've gotten with her, it's really pathetic that I feel that way. But, she's the first girl I liked that I can actually imagine having a relationship with. With every other girl, I was just me crushing on a girl I didn't know.

 

I really do hope that somehow this one works out for you and us Internet people are all wrong. But if it doesn't work out with her, try to think of things differently a little bit. You don't need to go "no contact" with her because you were never in a relationship and therefore there's no breakup- it's just two friends where one had a crush on the other and just needs to get over it. Unless you can't get past it and stop obsessing about her- but then again THAT is the problem, not that she rejected your romantic advances.

No, I won't be able to get past it. The only way I could see her as just a friend, is if I was dating somebody else already. Right now, I need to be in a relationship. And I would put those feelings on any girl that I get close to.

 

 

You could choose to take it in stride, remain friends with her, and enlist her as a girl friend/ confidante who you can talk to IRL about future girls you are interested. Being there, knowing you, and being a female that likes you enough to be your friend give her a significant advantage on being able to give you good advice over us.

I could probably do that if we only conversed over email.

 

 

 

Anyway, I want to reiterate that I do hope it works out this time and you get yourself out of this rut. I think your story resonates with me because in a strange way, I can relate. I got knocked up when I was 18. And no matter how cute or smart or funny a girl is, having a BABY is an automatic disqualifier as a dating prospect for a lot of guys. Yes, I did that to myself and you did nothing to deserve your height.

Yeah, even for me, a woman with a child is automatically disqualified. I believe that I'm just too inexperienced with dating to be able to handle that situation. There are several reasons as well but I will save them as I know you are tying to empathize with me.

 

When it comes to my height, I don't know why women are turned off by shorter guys. I'm going to stop there because I don't want to write paragraphs about my height.

 

So whatever, some guys refuse to date me. Who cares? There are plenty of others who want to.

And that's where you and I are different. Even though you have a child, there were still plenty of guys who wanted to date you. There has been nobody who wanted me.

 

 

So one thing I never did was waste time on a guy who was hesitant about me BEFORE we were even in a relationship! I friend zoned them in my mind- I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, not someone I have to convince that I am worthy of dating them. Seriously, F that. It takes a thick skin and a positive attitude, but you can do it.

Again, nobody has ever wanted me, so I if I just wrote off everybody who seemed hesitant with me, I would have nothing at all and missed out on the 'good times' I had with girls I liked.

 

 

I've never had a problem getting guys interested in me. But I am certain that if I stayed in a rut with a negative attitude and fixated on dudes that weren't interested in dating me because of something that was unchangeable, I would have gone dateless and relationshipless throughout my 20's as well.

I feel like I'm rambling now, I hope some of this made sense.

I didn't just fixate on girls that don't like me. I've already been rejected by 5-6 girls that I liked this year. There is only one girl I really like that I was able to connect with on this level.

 

And unlike you, I've always had a problem getting girls interested in me. So when a girl finally starts to give me the time of day, I grab on for dear life because I don't know when it will happen again.

[Beachgirl8]

The reason volunteering is good is because it will introduce you to different types of women with whom you might be able to establish a connection, not just young college girls.

I didn't start college until I was 21, and I had a 3 year old. So i was older than the majority of the guys there and obviously they wouldn't want to date me because of the kid thing. In 4 years I never ended up dating anyone I met on campus. I met guys through my job as a waitress, from volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and from going out with friends off campus. It just seemed more logical to me- why would a 20 year old college student want to date an older chick with a kid? They wouldn't. Ok, no problem- I just looked elsewhere. They did approach me- because I was cute and always looked younger than my age, but that's neither here nor there. Fact was, I had a kid and I WAS older.

The way I see it, I know you don't want to focus on your height as being a disqualifier- it shouldn't be. But in a lot of cases, it just is. It's not fair. But you can't change it either so working around it is the only option.

I personally have no issue whatsoever with dating a guy who is not tall. Now that i have learned better and come to my senses. Most of my boyfriends have been super tall and good looking.My longest relationship was 8 years long and that guy was 6'3 and a gymaholic. Girls hit on him all the time. He was a douche and I finally left him a couple years ago. My point in saying all that is my mistake was going after the guys that ALL the girls want. Too much competition, especially since I'm working from a disadvantaged position as a single mom.

Girls disqualify shorter guys the same way guys disqualify fat girls. It's not right or fair either way. Except yes, the girl CAN lose weight. But they often don't, they just sit around and complain nobody wants them.

So trying to snag a 22 year old thin pretty college girl is by definition difficult for ANY guy, because that's who ALL the guys want.

 

Last year I met a guy who is seriously awesome and I would marry in a heartbeat. He is barely taller than me and I'm 5'3. Sadly, a few years ago i wouldnt have given him the time of day based on height. Unfortunately he got transferred across the country for his job. I would have gone with him if I could... Except oh yeah I have this kid to take care of and I can't do things like that. Who knows, maybe when my kid goes off to college in another year maybe things will be different. But I can't let myself get upset about it. My situation is what it is and I accept it.

 

Let's see what happens with the girl, who knows, maybe she is into you. But if not, and you find yourself feeling rejected, hopefully it will serve as a wakeup call that maybe it's your whole method of finding girls to like that needs an overhaul, along with trying to develop a more positive attitude that will get you better results next time. I'd like nothing more than to hear from you that you got this done and got yourself a girlfriend. Then you'll have a whole new set of problems that you will have to have a positive attitude about!

Anywho, I'm rambling again. Keep us posted on the current girl.

[Teknoe]

Right now, I need to be in a relationship. And I would put those feelings on any girl that I get close to.

 

 

Life is about a couple things:

 

-Preparation

-Timing

-Sheer luck

-Perspective

 

Do you NEED a girlfriend, or do you WANT one? If you didn't get a GF within the next 6 months, would you die? No. If you don't drink water for the next 6 months, would you die? Yes.

 

Life is about perspective. Your focus right now should be on shifting your perspective. The other posters mentioned it before: there's no way your overwhelmingly negative thought life DOES NOT seep out in your body language.

 

You should also focus on preparation. Think of all these suggestions as NOT a means to get a girl, but as a means to SELF-IMPROVE. The therapy, volunteering etc. suggestions are to just get you better well-rounded in one way or another SO THAT one day you can attract AND keep a girlfriend.

 

Look up snowball debt theory.

 

It's a belief that the best way to get out of debt is to START off by paying off your littlest payments first. It builds your confidence and starts to chip away at the iceberg.

 

Right now you're way too focused on clearing that 1 MILLION DOLLAR hurdle (i.e. getting a girlfriend) but you should focus on first clearing that $10 debt (i.e. therapy, forming a solid social circle, etc.)

 

Focus on the smaller stuff first. Before you know it, you'll beclearing the bigger hurdles (i.e. girlfriend)

 

Crawl before you walk.

Walk before you jog.

Jog before you run.

Run before you sprint.

 

Perspective.

Preparation.

 

Focus on those two. The rest will take care of itself.

[Dust]

The reason volunteering is good is because it will introduce you to different types of women with whom you might be able to establish a connection, not just young college girls.

I didn't start college until I was 21, and I had a 3 year old. So i was older than the majority of the guys there and obviously they wouldn't want to date me because of the kid thing. In 4 years I never ended up dating anyone I met on campus. I met guys through my job as a waitress, from volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and from going out with friends off campus. It just seemed more logical to me- why would a 20 year old college student want to date an older chick with a kid? They wouldn't. Ok, no problem- I just looked elsewhere. They did approach me- because I was cute and always looked younger than my age, but that's neither here nor there. Fact was, I had a kid and I WAS older.

The way I see it, I know you don't want to focus on your height as being a disqualifier- it shouldn't be. But in a lot of cases, it just is. It's not fair. But you can't change it either so working around it is the only option.

I personally have no issue whatsoever with dating a guy who is not tall. Now that i have learned better and come to my senses. Most of my boyfriends have been super tall and good looking.My longest relationship was 8 years long and that guy was 6'3 and a gymaholic. Girls hit on him all the time. He was a douche and I finally left him a couple years ago. My point in saying all that is my mistake was going after the guys that ALL the girls want. Too much competition, especially since I'm working from a disadvantaged position as a single mom.

Girls disqualify shorter guys the same way guys disqualify fat girls. It's not right or fair either way. Except yes, the girl CAN lose weight. But they often don't, they just sit around and complain nobody wants them.

So trying to snag a 22 year old thin pretty college girl is by definition difficult for ANY guy, because that's who ALL the guys want.

 

Last year I met a guy who is seriously awesome and I would marry in a heartbeat. He is barely taller than me and I'm 5'3. Sadly, a few years ago i wouldnt have given him the time of day based on height. Unfortunately he got transferred across the country for his job. I would have gone with him if I could... Except oh yeah I have this kid to take care of and I can't do things like that. Who knows, maybe when my kid goes off to college in another year maybe things will be different. But I can't let myself get upset about it. My situation is what it is and I accept it.

 

Let's see what happens with the girl, who knows, maybe she is into you. But if not, and you find yourself feeling rejected, hopefully it will serve as a wakeup call that maybe it's your whole method of finding girls to like that needs an overhaul, along with trying to develop a more positive attitude that will get you better results next time. I'd like nothing more than to hear from you that you got this done and got yourself a girlfriend. Then you'll have a whole new set of problems that you will have to have a positive attitude about!

Anywho, I'm rambling again. Keep us posted on the current girl.

 

You were rambling but I enjoyed it and it had some important points. Point being things aren’t easy for any one. You didn’t have the ideal situation either you were older when you started college and you were a mother.

 

Guys do disqualify chicks automatically for many reasons such as being fat. Girls do the same thing to many guys for many reasons such as having no drive or being short. The thing is I see and know a lot of fat girls who are lucky in love the same as I know plenty of short guys doing good too. You can’t let obstacles stop you. If you give up it is over.

[somedude81]

Well I checked off one girl today.

 

For some reason she pretty much hung around me at work tonight. I asked her what she does for fun and she answered it perfectly. "Oh I like to go to Church events with my boyfriend." Saved me the trouble of asking her out and getting rejected.

 

Now it seems like I have another female work buddy who likes to talk to me.

 

I think it's really odd how I'm easily able to make female friends but I just can't get them to like me. This girl has a boyfriend so she's obviously off-limits, but even if she didn't, I still get the impression that she'd turn me down, even though she seemed to enjoy my company. She even offered to give me a ride home when she saw that I was riding my bike, which I declined.

 

This is really confusing.

[turnera]

Beachgirl has some really good advice and answers. I hope you'll reread her replies.

 

I fully admit that I have a negative attitude. Thank you for understanding why.

I do, too, dude. But that doesn't change the fact there are certain things that have to be addressed for you to achieve what you want.

 

For example with turnera she made a big deal about volunteering, which there is nothing wrong with. My mom mentioned it too. I see volunteering as something I can do to possibly meet girls. But my issue is not that I don't meet any girls. I meet and interact with girls all the time. So meeting more isn't going to help. All it would do is increase the number of girls I would ask out and get rejected by. Unless volunteering is going to make girls want to date me, then I don't see the point. I figure I'll be better off taking a yoga class where there will be 3 times as many girls as men.

Now, see, here is where you aren't hearing what I'm saying. Or I didn't explain well enough. Yes, you can meet more girls and add them to your potential hit list if you volunteer. That could work. But it wouldn't. Not by itself.

 

Because, as I've tried to say, the reason you're batting 0 isn't because of the women you're hitting on; not completely. It's more because when you DO hit on them, you turn them off.

 

There it is. The truth.

 

If you didn't, you wouldn't be batting 0.

 

So it makes more sense to look at YOU, not the amount or choice of women.

 

I remember a boy in high school who was short, who wanted to date me. He tried and tried but all I could think was that he was desperate, hated himself, had no sense of humor, and was so focused on getting to go out that he didn't even 'see' me - he just saw a girl who was shorter than him, so I was the de facto target. Can you imagine how I felt? Now, if he had come to me with a grin on his face, if I could see that it really didn't matter that much if I went out with him (that he'd still like me if I said no), I probably would have said yes. But I KNEW that he needed me to say yes just so he could feel good about himself. That's a lot of pressure. And it sends a signal that the relationship is gonna suck, and I'm gonna be stuck having to break up with him, and then I'll end up being the bad guy, and...just why bother?

 

The volunteering? It's not so you have a bigger pot to pick from.

 

It's because volunteering DOES SOMETHING INSIDE YOU. Doing something for someone else, who can't do for themselves, or for the animals who need protecting, or for a nature preserve that's going under...It has a host of benefits for the INSIDE of you (if you let it).

 

It pulls you out of your self-absorption because you're busy doing something for someone else. Helps with your negativity.

 

It shows you that you are not the world's biggest victim. It puts life in perspective, so that when you once would have felt sorry for yourself, you get the feeling that your situation really isn't so bad. Helps with your negativity.

 

It helps you make a difference in the world, and that REALLY helps with your negativity.

 

It increases your experiences in the world, which increases your confidence and self-worth. Which helps with your negativity.

 

It allows you to accomplish things, and the #1 way to increase self worth and self esteem and confidence is to accomplish things so that, when you walk into a room, and you look around, you see people around you who haven't accomplished HALF the things you have, or done half the things to help others that you have, and that helps with your negativity.

 

It gives you more, BETTER things to talk about when you DO talk to women, and it shows them that you're not some creepy, shallow 30-year-old college student whose only goal is to get laid. So you have better chances with them. And THAT helps with your negativity.

 

This is why I keep harping on it.

[Teknoe]

Turnera, your post above is right on the money. Tonight I signed up to sponsor a starving child in Kenya, Africa. My $35 a month will help that child get some basic needs met.

 

Life is about perspective. It's amazing how deep in a rut you can get when you're so self-absorbed, as you posted. I'm not saying your problems SD aren't real, I'm just saying you really don't got it ALL THAT bad, especially if you look around.

 

 

 

For some reason she pretty much hung around me at work tonight. I asked her what she does for fun and she answered it perfectly. "Oh I like to go to Church events with my boyfriend"

 

 

That some reason = Jesus knocking on the door to your heart.

 

The nice thing is, He does that from time to time. He tries to get our attention, but He'll never force Himself onto you. He wants YOU to make that YOUR choice.

 

I know it wasn't just "some random reason" why a church girl was hanging around you. That's her planting a seed in your heart.

 

Take heed. It wouldn't hurt to visit a church service some day. The only thing you got to lose is 90 minutes. What you could gain is untold peace.

 

You can deny this option though. But don't be surprised if you find God sending more "church folks" your way. That's Him knocking on your heart, calling you to come back just like the Lost Son in Luke chapter 15.

[somedude81]

Beachgirl has some really good advice and answers. I hope you'll reread her replies.

I had a few PM's back and forth with Beachgirl and I think I got a little too negative with her.

 

Because, as I've tried to say, the reason you're batting 0 isn't because of the women you're hitting on; not completely. It's more because when you DO hit on them, you turn them off.

 

There it is. The truth.

 

If you didn't, you wouldn't be batting 0.

 

So it makes more sense to look at YOU, not the amount or choice of women.

I know I'm turning women off, actually more like not turning them on. That's why I keep saying that needing to meet more women isn't the issue.

 

What I need to do is figure out why girls don't like me.

 

I'm nothing like the guy you described from your past.

 

But I KNEW that he needed me to say yes just so he could feel good about himself. That's a lot of pressure. And it sends a signal that the relationship is gonna suck, and I'm gonna be stuck having to break up with him, and then I'll end up being the bad guy, and...just why bother?

You really could tell that he needed you to say yes? How did you know?

 

 

The volunteering? It's not so you have a bigger pot to pick from.

 

It's because volunteering DOES SOMETHING INSIDE YOU. Doing something for someone else, who can't do for themselves, or for the animals who need protecting, or for a nature preserve that's going under...It has a host of benefits for the INSIDE of you (if you let it).

 

It pulls you out of your self-absorption because you're busy doing something for someone else. Helps with your negativity.

 

It shows you that you are not the world's biggest victim. It puts life in perspective, so that when you once would have felt sorry for yourself, you get the feeling that your situation really isn't so bad. Helps with your negativity.

OK, I hadn't looked at it in that way. It's something I could look into.

It gives you more, BETTER things to talk about when you DO talk to women, and it shows them that you're not some creepy, shallow 30-year-old college student whose only goal is to get laid.

That doesn't describe ma at all. If you talk to any girl I've liked and asked them if they thought I wanted to have sex with them, they'd most likely say no, that they had no idea.

 

BTW I have no problem at all conversing with women.

That some reason = Jesus knocking on the door to your heart.

 

The nice thing is, He does that from time to time. He tries to get our attention, but He'll never force Himself onto you. He wants YOU to make that YOUR choice.

 

I know it wasn't just "some random reason" why a church girl was hanging around you. That's her planting a seed in your heart.

Swing and a miss.

 

If God wanted me to go to church, he would have sent a girl that's single. Unless he wants me to steal her from her boyfriend. Maybe she's also a virgin? I could break her vow to wait until marriage