I feel like crap

[Teknoe]

Swing and a miss.

 

If God wanted me to go to church, he would have sent a girl that's single.

 

 

I'm going to hang around, and see how things turn out for you. One year from now, October 2nd, 2012... you might look back on this, and go "wow... who knew..."

[Imageiko]

I know I'm turning women off, actually more like not turning them on. That's why I keep saying that needing to meet more women isn't the issue.

 

What I need to do is figure out why girls don't like me.

 

I think this has been mentioned multiple times but it's your very negative attitude. You even admit you have it but it doesn't seem like you're bothering to make any effort to change it.

 

 

 

I think it's really odd how I'm easily able to make female friends but I just can't get them to like me. This girl has a boyfriend so she's obviously off-limits, but even if she didn't, I still get the impression that she'd turn me down, even though she seemed to enjoy my company.

 

That's a perfect example. You obviously aren't completely repulsive to women if they frequently befriend you. However I guarantee you as they get to know you better your negative attitude comes out and immediately turns them off and they either friend zone you or just stop making any effort to spend time with you.

[somedude81]

I think this has been mentioned multiple times but it's your very negative attitude. You even admit you have it but it doesn't seem like you're bothering to make any effort to change it.

 

 

That's a perfect example. You obviously aren't completely repulsive to women if they frequently befriend you. However I guarantee you as they get to know you better your negative attitude comes out and immediately turns them off and they either friend zone you or just stop making any effort to spend time with you.

How are they getting to know my negative attitude?

 

It's not like I actually tell girls, "You seem like somebody I'd like to date, but I'm not going to ask you out because I know you'd reject me."

 

How do you think I act around women?

[Beachgirl8]

The volunteering? It's not so you have a bigger pot to pick from.

 

It's because volunteering DOES SOMETHING INSIDE YOU. Doing something for someone else, who can't do for themselves, or for the animals who need protecting, or for a nature preserve that's going under...It has a host of benefits for the INSIDE of you (if you let it).

 

It pulls you out of your self-absorption because you're busy doing something for someone else. Helps with your negativity.

 

It shows you that you are not the world's biggest victim. It puts life in perspective, so that when you once would have felt sorry for yourself, you get the feeling that your situation really isn't so bad. Helps with your negativity.

 

OK, I hadn't looked at it in that way. It's something I could look into.

 

 

YES! This makes me happy. Turnera explained this really well and you sound like you get the point. Just do this ONE thing for now and see if it helps with the negativity.

 

And you didn't get too negative with me. It's all good!

[Badsingularity]

How are they getting to know my negative attitude?

 

I already told you in one of my posts to you that women can SENSE a negative attitude. They can SENSE fear. They can SENSE hesitation.

 

You can try to hide it all you want. They will still FEEL it.

 

I suggest you read a few of my older posts to you. The answers to your questions are in them. Including why you can't seem to turn women on.

 

As long as you have that fear in you, women are going to feel it.

 

You must face it....and crush it. Then things will change for you.

Edited October 2, 2011 by Badsingularity

[Imageiko]

How are they getting to know my negative attitude?

 

It's not like I actually tell girls, "You seem like somebody I'd like to date, but I'm not going to ask you out because I know you'd reject me."

 

How do you think I act around women?

 

Beachgirl basically summed it up.

 

You can't fake it, it's impossible. It will come out in subtle body language ticks, ways you phrase things. Don't ask me how but girls pick up on these things. I've noticed my limited success and failures (plural) seems based completely on my mood and my outlook towards life at the time. When you have a negative attitude you've struck out before you even approach somebody.

[cerridwen]

 

I think it's really odd how I'm easily able to make female friends but I just can't get them to like me. This girl has a boyfriend so she's obviously off-limits, but even if she didn't, I still get the impression that she'd turn me down, even though she seemed to enjoy my company. She even offered to give me a ride home when she saw that I was riding my bike, which I declined.

 

This is really confusing.

 

Another problem with what's bolded above is that such thoughts wear upon your psyche and spirit.

Negative thinking has a dampening effect.

If that's where your mind defaults, it's a habit that only serves to bring you down.

That concerns me when you already wrestle with mild depression.

[turnera]

I know I'm turning women off, actually more like not turning them on.

As a woman, I will STRONGLY disagree. Just like you men look at a fat woman and TURN OFF, women look at a man who is not 'right' and TURN OFF. Women DO NOT go around looking at men and thinking 'do you turn me on?' We look at men and think 'do you creep me out?' If so, out you go. We do NOT think in terms of being turned on. We think in terms of PROTECTING OURSELVES.

 

Guys are like dogs, girls are like cats. Cats always have to protect themselves, being the weaker sex. We ALWAYS judge men first in terms of 'is he safe?'

 

If you are judged not safe, we will NOT continue with you or, if we HAVE to, it will be as a friend (sound familiar?) so that we don't have to protect ourselves from you sexually.

 

What I need to do is figure out why girls don't like me.

Exactly. What have you determined? Have you asked anyone?

 

You really could tell that he needed you to say yes? How did you know?

Absolutely. It was in all the suble stuff. That's what women are good at - we HAVE to learn that stuff, comes from caveman days, to protect ourselves. Every time he was around me, all I could think of was, damn, he is just sitting there waiting for me to say yes.

 

So I said no.

 

That doesn't describe me at all. If you talk to any girl I've liked and asked them if they thought I wanted to have sex with them, they'd most likely say no, that they had no idea.

All that means is that you are NOT being honest with them.

[turnera]

How are they getting to know my negative attitude?

 

It's not like I actually tell girls, "You seem like somebody I'd like to date, but I'm not going to ask you out because I know you'd reject me."

 

How do you think I act around women?

dude, the fact that you can't even see what we all see is the problem.

 

You truly don't understand how a woman can SEE that you count yourself out of the competition?

 

If YOU don't believe you're worth pursuing...why would WE?

[Teknoe]

dude, the fact that you can't even see what we all see is the problem.

 

 

I posted in the earlier portion of this thread (maybe first 17 pages) about how SD needs to exercise some humility. Pride and ego keep us big-headed, and stop us from humbling ourselves to see a situation for how it really is. He responded that he doesn't need to humble himself and even cited that's the last thing he needs to do.

 

Sadly he doesn't realize that's the FIRST thing he ought to do.

 

If he is to experience a breakthrough in his life, first he must humble himself.

[turnera]

I don't think it's a case of humility. I think SD is plenty humble.

 

I think he simply has trouble seeing things from someone else's perspective. Especially women. And you can't force a woman to want to take a chance on you - you have to BE what they want, and you have to understand them better to know what that is.

[Teknoe]

I don't think it's a case of humility. I think SD is plenty humble.

 

I think he simply has trouble seeing things from someone else's perspective. Especially women.

 

Yes, he has trouble seeing things from another person's perspective, especially the female's point of view. But I also think it's a humility issue.

 

Here's the definition of humble:

 

Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful

 

Now let's look at the definition of meekness

 

Showing patience and humility; gentle

 

Just because SD has a lowly perspective on himself does NOT mean he's "plenty humble." I found out the true definition of humbling yourself in recent times. Being humble doesn't mean you think lowly of yourself. When you think SO low of yourself as SD does, and he feels NOTHING he does will change his life, that is NOT humility.

 

That is actually a form of very stubborn pride and ego.

 

That's what it comes down to.

 

"Hey SD, x and y has worked for me and many others. It might help you too, so try it??"

 

SD's response: "Not for me" "Tried it before, didn't work then won't work now" "Are you serious?" "LOL" "No thanks"

 

That is not the response of a humble person. You see, it's ego and pride-driven.

 

I hope this explanation helps you turnera to see the difference between being humble and simply being self-deprecating. Being humble doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up. It actually liberates you.

 

And as God's word says: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6)

 

On a final note, I was watching Megamind this past weekend, and it made me think of SD a lot. In that film Jonah Hill's character is totally infatuated with Tina Fey's character. He's a fat slob who does nothing with his life, and she doesn't find herself attracted to him. Finally, Jonah transforms into a super fit, super buff superhero. He attempts to save her, but she still doesn't like him.

 

It made me think about how SD feels if he could only show off his dance moves to the girl, she would suddenly find him attractive.

 

Goes to show you, either a girl likes you, or she doesn't. And if she doesn't see you romantically, almost nothing you do can ever change that.

 

In the end, Jonah Hill ends up... well, you can guess what happens. I just hope SD will be able to handle the outcome of this situation better.

Edited October 3, 2011 by Teknoe

[Beachgirl8]

Teckno- Funny you should say that part about seeing things from the other persons perspective- I was thinking about that last night and was going to suggest SD tell the story of the past few girls he has been trying to get with from their perspective as an exercise. I was waiting for him to return to this thread first, but I'll just post it now instead. I think it would be valuable for him to do that.

I'm getting the feeling SD feels a bit defeated and ganged-up on by this thread, and by me lately, so I hope he doesn't abandon ship. SD, where are you?? Come in, SD!!

[Teknoe]

I'm getting the feeling SD feels a bit defeated and ganged-up on by this thread

 

 

I think so. But that's not our goal. We're all rooting for you SD. Honestly, what do you think we would rather see:

 

A). This thread hits page 100 and we're still playing the same song and dance

 

OR

 

B). SD gets out there, tries different things, reports back on his success and confidence growing by page 50.

 

None of us are hoping you continue to live the way you are. We're tryng to help you become healthier and a more whole, well-rounded person. But we can't help you if YOU YOURSELF FIRST don't care to help yourself.

[AD1980]

I feel the same way as well..the only girls who dont give me a dirty look or walk away when approaching are bartenders an theyre just nice to me to get tips..

 

Tired of rejection and more affirmation that women dotn fimd me attratcive..im better off staying away for my own mental health and sanity..

[somedude81]

Teckno- Funny you should say that part about seeing things from the other persons perspective- I was thinking about that last night and was going to suggest SD tell the story of the past few girls he has been trying to get with from their perspective as an exercise. I was waiting for him to return to this thread first, but I'll just post it now instead. I think it would be valuable for him to do that.

I'm getting the feeling SD feels a bit defeated and ganged-up on by this thread, and by me lately, so I hope he doesn't abandon ship. SD, where are you?? Come in, SD!!

Sorry about that. I've read every post in this thread but I haven't gotten around to posting in it.

 

I usually use a certain number of hours writing about this stuff and I've been doing a fair bit of it over PM's and emails

 

As for telling a story from the girls perspective, I wouldn't know where to start. Mainly because I don't know what they think of me.

 

I'm going to be spending time with her on Wednesday, (if plans don't get changed) and I couldn't begin to tell you how she sees this whole thing between me and her.

 

I feel that I've been completely honest with her and have hidden nothing. She knows exactly what I want.

[turnera]

I feel that I've been completely honest with her and have hidden nothing. She knows exactly what I want.

So ask her what SHE wants.

[somedude81]

I have already.

 

She wants to stay friends until she "feels more comfortable with me and trusts me more."

 

Take that however you will...

[Cracker Jack]

So if you end up spending time with her this wed, do you plan on having that talk with her? Or are you still waiting to do that another time?

[somedude81]

I'll talk to her but I'm not going to try to say everything on my mind. At this point I just want to talk about her hugging issue.

 

Then there is a good chance I could use to connect to other things and how she feels about me etc.

 

There is a very good chance I'll hear something I don't want to hear, so this could be a turning point. I've been at this stage with her for long enough. As of February of next year, I would have known and been chasing her for two years. Even someone as stubborn as me has to walk away at some point.

[Eclypse]

Look SD you seem like a nice enough guy and I don't want you to feel insulted. But since this thread begun 500 replies ago - or even since you joined this forum - have you taken any of the advice dished out to you and gone and applied it to one of your girls? Your last posts indicates you're as confused as ever. But that said though, its much easier to sit here critiquing you than it is for someone to go out and do this stuff. When the time comes to do it, it feels like you'd rather climb Everest naked right? Most of the practical advice you can throw out the window once you start talking to her. No amount of preparation or planning will set up the perfect conversation with a girl. But the other advice is excellent as well. You must engage in a lot of soul searching. Like I said, you seem like a nice guy but something is clearly not right. Only you can find that out and change it for the better.

 

Practically though there comes a time when just being their "friend" isn't enough. You need to take the leap and take it to the next level. It's just like diving right into the ocean even though you fear its freezing cold. However you'll find you warm up to it pretty quickly. What you need to do is to kiss her. But you can't just dive in and bite her face. You need to make sure she is receptive. Here's what I did with all the girls I kissed for the first time. During a lull in the conversation just lean in closer and look deeply into her eyes and don't say anything, OR when you go for a hug, hold it tight for a while longer than usual then once again look into her eyes. Obviously don't be so close as to make her uncomfortable. From here she will do one of 2 things. She will either back off and make it clear she doesn't want you to go further, or she will lean in closer as well. This will be a sort of electric, magic moment. It is impossible to describe, but that's not important because at this moment instinct will take over and you will both move in and kiss. First kisses shouldn't be long, and no tongue! Plenty of time for that later But that first kiss is the most important, everything after that will slot into place. After the kiss you should hug her and hold her tight to you. It's ok if you both giggle afterwards, it's what me and my girlfriend did. We were both on a high after it. That first kiss cemented our bond and it hasn't been broken since.

 

Do not tell her you have a crush on her. Every time I did that I was turned down. You lose all the aura of mystery. The kiss is the best option. If she turns you down... oh well. Happens to the best of us. Move on. If you are certain she doesn't want anything to do with you, then you really shouldn't be going out with her and wasting time. Find someone who will appreciate you for you.

[Teknoe]

Do not tell her you have a crush on her. Every time I did that I was turned down. You lose all the aura of mystery.

 

+500!

 

DO NOT tell her you have a crush on her/like her more than friends. That too hasn't worked for me and unless the girl really REALLY CLEARLY digs you that way, everytime a guy says that he's doomed for the "just friends" talk.

 

If you are feeling hesitant in the least, that's a good sign you'll most likely get rejected. You would be confident if you pretty much knew her answer is "Yes, I like you back." If you're nervous in the least, it probably means she just doesn't dig you back.

 

Just ask her out on a date. Specify it. No hang out. No confusion.

 

Just say "Can I take you out on a date some time?"

 

If she says no, then please walk away.

 

If she says yes, you might be in business.

 

Either way, I think asking her on a date is way better than telling her you like her or going for the kiss (think about her needs, she won't even let you hug her, if you try to kiss her you'd be a real jerk and it's possible she'd lose ALL trust in you, might even slap you).

 

So, time to man up and just ask her if you can take her out on a date.

 

If she says no but seems on the fence (i.e. "Oh I don't know..."), you can lightly say "Come on, I'm not asking for your hand in marriage. Just one little date."

 

If she says something like "Sorry, I'm just not interested in you that way" then leave her alone. When a girl says that, TAKE HER WORD FOR IT! And nothing you do will ever change the way she views you.

[Eclypse]

 

Either way, I think asking her on a date is way better than telling her you like her or going for the kiss (think about her needs, she won't even let you hug her, if you try to kiss her you'd be a real jerk and it's possible she'd lose ALL trust in you, might even slap you).

 

 

Oh I didn't know about that. In that case can the kiss idea, but save it for a fresh girl. It only works if you think you've got a shot with them. It can work, but you can't be too aggressive. SD if you're sure this girl is never going to like you (and by the tone of these posts that seems the case) then why are you still trying to push it with her? It's like walking on hot coals repeatedly because you think they might be cooler the next time round. It's just nonsensical. Once you're in the friend zone you're there forever.

[Els]

I think at this point the girl already knows he has a crush on her, so openly talking about it would do him no harm. I would advise against it if it were one month into their friendship, but it's been 2 years. The way I see it, she can either agree to go out with him, or he can get a definite negative answer and hopefully walk away. Win-win.

[turnera]

There is a very good chance I'll hear something I don't want to hear, so this could be a turning point. I've been at this stage with her for long enough. As of February of next year, I would have known and been chasing her for two years. Even someone as stubborn as me has to walk away at some point.

If she hasn't decided she's into you in two years, she's not into you.