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Is that something I can end over text or is it better to say it in person?

 

I'll address the intimacy aspect later.

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fortyninethousand322
He's terrified of kissing her and, I think, intimacy in general (see his earlier posts where he explains he doesn't want to open up emotionally for fear of being hurt again as he has in the past). That in mind, he will not stop projecting his decision to not open up onto her. Why would he? It's easier to blame someone else for self-defeating decisions and so long as she isn't interested in him, he'll be interested in her. She is the perfect emotional-punchbag.

 

This thread is a part of a strategy designed to avoid intimacy. The downside of this strategy is that he ends up having to use very negative linguistics and, as she's a metaphor for him, every negative thing he says about her is an attack on himself. This hurts the soul and leads to depression.

 

Sounds like a bunch of psychological gobbly gook. But, maybe I'm wrong. I'm not exactly a professional psychologist, or any other kind of "ist".

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He's terrified of kissing her and, I think, intimacy in general (see his earlier posts where he explains he doesn't want to open up emotionally for fear of being hurt again as he has in the past). That in mind, he will not stop projecting his decision to not open up onto her. Why would he? It's easier to blame someone else for self-defeating decisions and so long as she isn't interested in him, he'll be interested in her. She is the perfect emotional-punchbag.

 

This thread is a part of a strategy designed to avoid intimacy. The downside of this strategy is that he ends up having to use very negative linguistics and, as she's a metaphor for him, every negative thing he says about her is an attack on himself. This hurts the soul and leads to depression.

 

 

BINGO. Great analysis. Totally agree with it. SD is using this girl as an emotional punching bag, probably subconsciously. We all know how unhealthy this is, yet he continues torturing himself by going down a path filled with spikes. At some point you'd think he'd know better to get off hot coals.

 

SD, what exactly do you like about this girl? What is she all about? How would you describe her, her greatest needs, her greatest desires? What are the things that she looks for in a man? Do you know?

 

I don't think you like her SO MUCH AS the fact that you like the IDEA of liking her/any girl who gives you some attention (which she has fulfilled).

 

However... as of late...

 

And she canceled for today. She's got two papers due next week and apparently can't spare an hour or less to have lunch with me :rolleyes:

 

She basically pulled the same thing last week.

 

Now I'm really thinking about confronting her. Sending her a message like.

 

"Be honest with me. If you don't want to hang out anymore just tell me. I'm getting tired of you using every excuse to cancel."

 

If that's enough to provoke her to tell me the truth, then I'll delete her number.

 

I just wonder if that would be shooting myself in the foot since it's completely negative.

 

Either way, there goes my reason for getting up today. And now I have nothing at all until next week to look forward to, when I'll possibly hang out with her.

 

Did I mention that I feel like crap?

 

Yes, you did mention that. It's your thread topic after all, and it looks like you've been feeling like crap for nearly 40 pages, over 550 replies and since the summer time (at least).

 

When are you going to stop playing the victim card and pull yourself up?

 

 

 

Teknoe thinks I should just be fulfilled by Jesus and have no desire for women.

 

That's inaccurate. While YES, I do think it'd do you a world of GREAT getting to know Jesus again and everything He has to offer you, I never said you should have ABSOLUTELY ZERO desire for women.

 

Again, you're twisting what I've said.

 

What I'm saying IS, as of RIGHT NOW, chasing after girls is not a healthy or good idea for you to be doing. Right now should be a time of self-discovery and re-examining your foundation as a MAN. Once you take care of your emotional and spiritual needs, then by all means get yourself out there and explore the wonderful world of dating.

 

But I know this much: right now you're not in a healthy state of mind to be dating anyone. You got to learn to love yourself/enjoy being by yourself first.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm hoping you will experience a breakthrough. It might have to be supernatural, at this point. I know you used to go to church, but fell away when things didn't work out the way you wanted them to. I hope at some point you'll open your heart again to who Jesus really is. He is THE Savior, and He can give you an abundant life (John 10:10) if only you'd trust Him in every area of your life. That's what faith is all about.

 

I know my words can't change you though. And this is the downside of a message board. Whenever you post things like this on a forum, people tend to think you're the crazy Bible thumper. But if you saw me living life, helping out others, sponsoring a starving child in a 3rd world country and giving up my time to help the needy, you'd think differently about my "faith." Suddenly it wouldn't seem so Bible-thumping, but honorable.

 

I'm fulfilled. And I want you SD to be as well. But that's between you and Him. Just take this one thing if you only take one thing: JUST REMEMBER, He's always open for you to come to Him. No shame, no guilt, no condemnation. All you gotta do is talk to Him and open your heart up to Him. He's available 24/7. I hope you will remember that.

 

Peace.

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Cracker Jack

Yeah, it's starting to seem like she really doesn't really give a damn about hanging out all that much at this point. It seems like she's always busy on a day when you guys are supposed to hang out and ends up canceling. The situation is just annoying. This has gone on longer than it should've. I think turnera's idea is the best to go along with.

 

Not sure if you should text it or not, since you'll probably feel worse if she ignores it.

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I still think the best thing to do is let it be. You already have the answer to the question. If you want to have her actually say the words- idont think it matters whether youtext, email, call, whatever. But if you text or email, and don't get any response at all like Crackerjack said, it might make you feel even worse. I hate to see you do that to yourself.

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Hey SD,

 

A while back I posted a question to you about what kind of person you look up to, or who you consider a role model. Your response was something along the lines of "I don't have any role models" and that you aspired to be someone who is successful and who attracts women.

 

Your answer, in my opinion, should be examined. One thing that I've found extremely beneficial in my own life is separating myself from situations, emotionally and mentally. This is not the same as checking out or quitting. Rather, it's the ability to put aside frustrations, emotions, fears, etc. and ask yourself "what would ______ be doing in this situation?". (the blank being someone who does better than you in the given situation, i.e. your role model for that situation)

 

I've found this technique to be very helpful in a lot of situations, both complicated and simple. For me, it allows logic to prevail over base emotions such as fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, fatigue, etc.

 

Obviously, this isn't going to help you "get girls". It might, however, aid you in allowing yourself to develop traits or make decisions that could lead towards that.

 

For example, this girl that you've had your eye on has shown you repeatedly that she's not interested in your, nor does she really care about how you feel. Based on the signs she's given you, what kind of advice would you give someone else? What would the proper course of action be according to a "ladies man"? Here's a hint: you have given such advice in similar situations of "move on".

 

You also mentioned that you fear "burning the bridge" with her. All I can say is that I don't think you have anything to burn. This girl doesn't care about you at all, but she is TOO WEAK and not assertive enough to tell you off without chickening out at the last second. I've also pursued girls like this in the past (one for more than a year) before I figured her out. It's extremely taxing on both your self esteem and your ability to think rationally. It will erode you until you hit rock bottom and realize that she sees you simply as the weirdo who won't leave her alone. You'll second guess yourself on all of the mixed signals she gives you until the end of the earth, but ultimately, nothing will ever go forward because nothing is actually there. She may even (as was the case with the girl I was going after) enjoy the attention she gets from you.

 

Here's the cold, hard truth: as others have said, if she valued you at all, she would at least make an effort to help you understand why she doesn't like you in that way, or she'd at least give you a chance.

 

I'm sorry this is the case, and I know you fear that you'll be alone forever if you don't let go, but you're not doing yourself any favors by hanging onto her. You have to let go of the rock, man.

 

Free yourself from the shackles that you've put on yourself. Realize that she's too weak or chicken to free you. I wouldn't even bother asking her why. You'd be asking her to do something that is likely something she wouldn't be able to do honestly anyway.

 

Only after you've let her go completely and have started to find joy in your own life again will you be able to improve. Yes, I know that I (and many others) have said this again and again, but you really do need to do this. It's the base on which everything else will stand.

 

If all you want to be is some empty-shell with a dick, by all means, practice/read on becoming a pick up artist. You might get good at it, but at the end of the day, you'll be picking up masturbatory aides from the bar; nothing more.

 

I really wish I could help you out man. It's a shame my advice will likely be discounted by you, but I'm doing my best.

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He's terrified of kissing her and, I think, intimacy in general (see his earlier posts where he explains he doesn't want to open up emotionally for fear of being hurt again as he has in the past). That in mind, he will not stop projecting his decision to not open up onto her. Why would he? It's easier to blame someone else for self-defeating decisions and so long as she isn't interested in him, he'll be interested in her. She is the perfect emotional-punchbag.

 

This thread is a part of a strategy designed to avoid intimacy. The downside of this strategy is that he ends up having to use very negative linguistics and, as she's a metaphor for him, every negative thing he says about her is an attack on himself. This hurts the soul and leads to depression.

No, I'm terrified of trying to kiss a girl and having her reject me. If I had any impression that a girl would accept my affection, I would go all out.

 

I don't get what you mean by projecting my decision not to open up to her.

 

What I want to do is avoid pissing her off and removing any chance at all that I have with her, no matter how small.

 

Right now I feel that she holds all the cards and all I can do is beg her to let me see her. Do you have any idea how much that sucks?

 

The rest of your post doesn't make any sense at all. Are you saying that she doesn't exist and I'm making her up as a way to talk about myself? :confused:

Edited by somedude81
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No, I'm terrified of trying to kiss a girl and having her reject me. If I had any impression that a girl would accept my affection, I would go all out.

 

I don't get what you mean by projecting my decision not to open up to her.

 

What I want to do is avoid pissing her off and removing any chance at all that I have with her, no matter how small.

 

Right now I feel that she holds all the cards and all I can do is beg her to let me see her. Do you have any idea how much that sucks?

 

The rest of your post doesn't make any sense at all. Are you saying that she doesn't exist and I'm making her up as a way to talk about myself? :confused:

 

I'm not going to argue with you.

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I still think the best thing to do is let it be. You already have the answer to the question. If you want to have her actually say the words- idont think it matters whether youtext, email, call, whatever. But if you text or email, and don't get any response at all like Crackerjack said, it might make you feel even worse. I hate to see you do that to yourself.

I need to hear the words or I'll be wondering "what if" forever. It probably is best to do it in person. That way I can make sure that she hears everything and I'll get a reaction from her right away.

 

But damn it, that's what I wanted to do today. Now I'll have to wait until Monday, if she doesn't postpone it to Wednesday, then cancel on me again.

Your answer, in my opinion, should be examined. One thing that I've found extremely beneficial in my own life is separating myself from situations, emotionally and mentally. This is not the same as checking out or quitting. Rather, it's the ability to put aside frustrations, emotions, fears, etc. and ask yourself "what would ______ be doing in this situation?". (the blank being someone who does better than you in the given situation, i.e. your role model for that situation)

 

I've found this technique to be very helpful in a lot of situations, both complicated and simple. For me, it allows logic to prevail over base emotions such as fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, fatigue, etc.

 

Obviously, this isn't going to help you "get girls". It might, however, aid you in allowing yourself to develop traits or make decisions that could lead towards that.

 

For example, this girl that you've had your eye on has shown you repeatedly that she's not interested in your, nor does she really care about how you feel. Based on the signs she's given you, what kind of advice would you give someone else? What would the proper course of action be according to a "ladies man"? Here's a hint: you have given such advice in similar situations of "move on".

A ladies man would have never gotten into this situation. He would have never developed any feelings in her. Odds are he would have F'd her by now or moved on a long time ago. Also he can move on because he knows he can get other women.

 

Obviously I am very emotionally involved with her. And I know that I can't get other girls. So moving on simply leaves me with nothing.

 

 

 

You also mentioned that you fear "burning the bridge" with her. All I can say is that I don't think you have anything to burn. This girl doesn't care about you at all, but she is TOO WEAK and not assertive enough to tell you off without chickening out at the last second. I've also pursued girls like this in the past (one for more than a year) before I figured her out. It's extremely taxing on both your self esteem and your ability to think rationally. It will erode you until you hit rock bottom and realize that she sees you simply as the weirdo who won't leave her alone. You'll second guess yourself on all of the mixed signals she gives you until the end of the earth, but ultimately, nothing will ever go forward because nothing is actually there.

I hadn't though of it that way. That she is too weak to say no. That doesn't really make sense because she has said no to several things that I wanted to do. So why is this different?

Only after you've let her go completely and have started to find joy in your own life again will you be able to improve. Yes, I know that I (and many others) have said this again and again, but you really do need to do this. It's the base on which everything else will stand.

And how do I know that the same exact thing won't happen with the next girl?

 

As far as I am concerned, I do not have a future.

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And what working on me am I refusing to do?

 

I'm going to college to better myself and get a good career, I exercise, try to eat healthy, dress OK considering my income and setting, done a lot of reading about dating and gender related topics, I've been to therapy for a few years, trying pursuing many girls, joined a few sports teams to be active and make new friends, joined a couple of social clubs on campus.

 

What have I not done yet?

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And what working on me am I refusing to do?

 

I'm going to college to better myself and get a good career, I exercise, try to eat healthy, dress OK considering my income and setting, done a lot of reading about dating and gender related topics, I've been to therapy for a few years, trying pursuing many girls, joined a few sports teams to be active and make new friends, joined a couple of social clubs on campus.

 

What have I not done yet?

 

Remember when I offered you come on vacation out by where I live and I help you out.

 

I already know how that would go if that happened. I’d say “go to talk to that girl I saw you looking at her” “Why should I?” “Well you guys might hit it off” “But I already am going to college to better myself and get a good career, I exercise, try to eat healthy, dress OK considering my income and setting, done a lot of reading about dating and gender related topics, I've been to therapy for a few years, trying pursuing many girls, joined a few sports teams to be active and make new friends, joined a couple of social clubs on campus.”

 

Hmmm so you do all these things but you don’t even try…

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As I recall you no longer go to therapy, you went for awhile. You could be following ANY of the myriad suggestions you have had here, and I have yet to see you do any of them, except for the ones regarding this particular girl. Which has NOTHING to do with changing your self esteem, dealing with FOO issues, trying new things outside your comfort zone, looking for easy girls to build up your confidence, looking for OLDER girls who you won't gross out for being too old, looking up organizations like Toastmasters...let me go back through your huge thread to see all the suggestions made that would help you like yourself more so you'd have the confidence to meet girls...

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What have I not done yet?

Here's some advice from the first 3 pages; which of these have you done?:

I think that learning to read people'sresponses has been one of the best things that I've learned (not that I'm somesort of social wizard or anything). It makes it a lot easier to engage a widevariety of people in conversation, including girls you might be interested in.

 

Start small. I recommend that you don'tfocus on the end goal of finding the love of your life, getting laid, or evengoing on a date. Start by being comfortable with flirting with all girls. Learnand practice frequently the art of complimenting their desires, fears, andpassions.

 

I've also found that a big part of makingyourself more attractive is by being seen socializing. Girls are afraid of guyswho have no friends or seem to spend the majority of their time alone. It sendsoff their warning bells.

 

I'm sure there are how-to books out there(possibly even classes) on how to strike up conversations, socialize, etc. Thekey is practice. Force yourself into situations that you normally wouldn't becomfortable in, and do it as often as you can.

 

Stop basing your happiness on random girlsyou latch onto. Just have fun trying.

Come out and visit me for a week. Get a hotel and we’ll get you a vacation gfand maybe that will show you its not so fricken impossible.

 

You fix it by not giving a **** about them.And brotha you are desperate and you gotta stop beating yourself up about thisbroad.

 

start going out with your friends man andhave some fun.

 

When you're with women, and men for thatmatter; acquaintances/friends/neighbours, whoever you're talking to, do youshow an interest in them, ask them questions about them, come across as warmhearted? Or *are* you playing it too cool like you said you thought you mightbe and maybe it looks like you're not interested?

 

You need to have a strong network offriends. That will take your focus off women and put it on hanging out andhaving fun. Having good friends increases your self-confidence because you knowyou have people who love you and accept you for who you are.

 

I love yoga. The positive vibes fromclasses really cheer me up, the endorphins and the improvement in posture,strength and flexibility all do too. Six months of it and some fairly regularcycling (for fun, not time trials or anything like that) and I feel much morewhole, and loose, and unable to get too wound up about anything.

 

Also a change of diet has improved my moodand stability. That and adding a few innocuous hobbies,

 

If you want to find a lover, you know whatto do: circulate. Increase your surface area by increasing your presence in theworld.

 

You're still focussed on your looks

 

You have to let go of your crutch.

 

your unfair and inauthentic way of treatingher as a girlfriend when it suits you but not risking your own dignity or feelings when it doesn't suit you may well be what's holding her back fromcommitting any more to you than she already has.

 

Try out things like hypnotherapy and stopplanning so much and start doing more.

 

think about how some of your behavior maybe coming across to the women you want to date.

 

ANY girl and I do mean any can go into abar and get sex from a decent looking guy. A girl can also have more options todate. Maybe not necessarily good options but options nonetheless thus makingthem less lonely than guys like somedude.

 

You should go speak to the mental healthcounselor at your school.

 

Why not just go out and try and get a snoginstead of going for the whole happy ever after thing from the start? Practice,practice, practice. Put on a clean shirt, have a shave, go out late to a bar /club / pub and walk up to someone who looks up for a bit of fun, wink at her,talk, look at just how sexy she is right now (she won't be tomorrow, butwhatever) and tell her you'd like to ravage her body.

 

I highly recommend reading this book called"Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. It really tackles theissues in our head and in our heart.

 

If you approach therapy with more optimism,your results will be better. Are you open to being treated with antidepressantssince I believe you said you have a clinical form of depression

 

You're so obsessed with having agirlfriend, but you don't have any male friends? Dude, you got to crawl beforeyou can walk. And you gotta walk before you can run. You're trying to sprint amile in 4 minutes with all your girl chasing. Learn to start with the basicsfirst. DEVELOP SOME HEALTHY MALE FRIENDSHIPS! Start with healthy male friendsfirst, especially ones you can be real and honest to, and they've got yourback. Getting involved at your local church will help a lot.

 

If you against visiting your local church,volunteer at a homeless shelter. Do something productive. JUST DO SOMETHING!And leave the nasty "woe is me" attitude at home while you're at it.

Edited by turnera
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man, from what i gather from this thread,

 

the OP feels he's loser, says he has no future, has always been behind socially, feels he has nothing if he can't get the girl he likes, upset when a girl doesn't text or call back, always says he feels like crap.

 

Damn, I WONDER why they're not beating down his door?

 

 

The work has to start from the inside. Start small with declaring that you're going to be happy for the day, start with tommorow.

 

fetish

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Remember when I offered you come on vacation out by where I live and I help you out.

 

I already know how that would go if that happened. I’d say “go to talk to that girl I saw you looking at her” “Why should I?” “Well you guys might hit it off”

 

Hmmm so you do all these things but you don’t even try…

I don't know if I said this here or not; I don't have any interest in hooking up with random women. I'd like to know a woman a little bit before I stick my tongue down her throat. A 5 minute conversation in a bar doesn't cut it.

As I recall you no longer go to therapy, you went for awhile.

"Awhile" was 3-4 years. I was also on anti-depressants but they didn't have any effect on me.

 

changing your self esteem,

 

dealing with FOO issues,

What does FOO mean?

 

 

trying new things outside your comfort zone,
I moved out of my hometown to a city where I have no friends and family to go to school, I joined a couple of sports teams, learned to dance, tried to learn a musical instrument, took Japanese for two years, picked up surfing, became very involved in a campus club, tried to pledge a frat.

 

All of those things were out of my comfort zone.

looking for easy girls to build up your confidence, looking for OLDER girls who you won't gross out for being too old

Oddly enough, every woman I've had sex with has been older than me, oldest in their 40's. Desperate to get laid, I was part of the swinger scene for a short while. In the end I found it unfulfilling since it was just sex and nothing more.

 

I never knew any in my age bracket that were easy, if I didn't, I didn't know they were easy. Heck, a part of me still believes that young women don't like sex.

 

looking up organizations like Toastmasters.
I've been to a couple Toastmasters meetings. I didn't find it anything special.

 

 

Here's some advice from the first 3 pages; which of these have you done?:

I think that learning to read people's responses has been one of the best things that I've learned (not that I'm some sort of social wizard or anything). It makes it a lot easier to engage a wide variety of people in conversation, including girls you might be interested in.

How did you learn to do that?

 

Trying to read women is just really difficult for me. I wish I was better at it.

 

Start small. I recommend that you don't focus on the end goal of finding the love of your life, getting laid, or even going on a date. Start by being comfortable with flirting with all girls. Learn and practice frequently the art of complimenting their desires, fears, and passions.

I won't say that I'm uncomfortable with flirting, it's that I don't know how. I can talk and kind of joke around with girls, but it's nothing that exciting. It's all very innocent.

 

I've also found that a big part of making yourself more attractive is by being seen socializing. Girls are afraid of guys who have no friends or seem to spend the majority of their time alone. It sends off their warning bells.
Even though I don't have any real friends, whenever I'm with people, I'm always talking to some chick. At work and school I always make some girl buddies right away. I pursued some of them. But I hate being the loner and sitting by myself when girls are around. I always force myself to talk to somebody and 90% of them time it's a girl.

 

I'm sure there are how-to books out there(possibly even classes) on how to strike up conversations, socialize, etc. The key is practice. Force yourself into situations that you normally wouldn't be comfortable in, and do it as often as you can.
My biggest issue is turning a conversation into something interesting where the girl has fun

 

Stop basing your happiness on random girls you latch onto. Just have fun trying.
Latching onto girls is a huge issue for me.

 

It's very rare when a girl that I talk to is willing to see me outside of the environment that we met. So when it happens, it's just natural for me to grab on tight because I don't know when it will happen again.

You fix it by not giving a **** about them.

I've heard that a lot.

 

But because of the above, it's very hard not to care.

Come out and visit me for a week. Get a hotel and we’ll get you a vacation gf and maybe that will show you its not so fricken impossible.
Where do you live? Somewhere in Europe?

 

And brotha you are desperate and you gotta stop beating yourself up about this broad.
Yes to both counts.

 

-To be continued.

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man, from what i gather from this thread,

 

the OP feels he's loser, says he has no future, has always been behind socially, feels he has nothing if he can't get the girl he likes, upset when a girl doesn't text or call back, always says he feels like crap.

 

Damn, I WONDER why they're not beating down his door?

 

 

The work has to start from the inside. Start small with declaring that you're going to be happy for the day, start with tommorow.

 

fetish

Did I mention that I absolutely hate myself? There have been a couple of times where I've gotten pissed by looking in the mirror.

 

The world would be a better place if I didn't get up tomorrow.

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Did I mention that I absolutely hate myself? There have been a couple of times where I've gotten pissed by looking in the mirror.

 

The world would be a better place if I didn't get up tomorrow.

 

The reason I try to help you is I’d appreciate if some one did the same for me if my head got as messed up as you seem to be. Dude it’s all in your head. The world is yours to enjoy. You don’t have to think things like it would be a better place with out you. Your problem isn’t women its that you hate yourself. Talk to some one at yours school about how your feeling. Keep reaching out to people. Family. You need to help yourself, but it’ll probably help to have some one to talk to.

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Cracker Jack
Did I mention that I absolutely hate myself? There have been a couple of times where I've gotten pissed by looking in the mirror.

 

The world would be a better place if I didn't get up tomorrow.

 

Knock that off, man. You may not believe it, but you're important.

 

Besides, we've all had those mirror days. If this girl agreed to be your girlfriend tomorrow, would you feel like you're better off not being apart of the world?

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Knock that off, man. You may not believe it, but you're important.

 

Besides, we've all had those mirror days. If this girl agreed to be your girlfriend tomorrow, would you feel like you're better off not being apart of the world?

 

Somedude can't win till he changes his mindset. If a girl was his gf for a few months or years and then they broke up he'd be even worse off the nhe is now if he doesn't change his thinking.

 

He just has to start telling himself I am worth it and stop all this nasty inner dialogue where he says he's unworthy.

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Man I'm too angry to even fall asleep. I see the posts above but I can't process them now.

 

I'm tired but full of rage.

 

All I want to do is send her a really hateful, angry text-message and just blast her. She gets picked up by her Mom tomorrow and I want to time it just right so that she'll be upset when her mom arrives.

 

The mom knows me and thinks I'm a decent guy, which I am. But her daughter has pissed me off this much.

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Man I'm too angry to even fall asleep. I see the posts above but I can't process them now.

 

I'm tired but full of rage.

 

All I want to do is send her a really hateful, angry text-message and just blast her. She gets picked up by her Mom tomorrow and I want to time it just right so that she'll be upset when her mom arrives.

 

The mom knows me and thinks I'm a decent guy, which I am. But her daughter has pissed me off this much.

 

Dude if you're so full of rage why not grab her and kiss her?

 

The entire timing a txt to upset her around her mom seems pretty lame even for you.

 

Stop holding onto the fact your mom may or may not think you are a decent guy its the daughter you're trying to date.

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F*cking text messages. The bane of modern life.

 

Better to become a scrum half and take it out on the opposition. If you have rugby there. Or whatever contact sports you have.

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