I feel like crap

[Beachgirl8]

Do you know any guy that has zero friends at 30 years old, but is in a relationship?

Does anyone on this thread know of one?

I don't.

That by itself should be evidence enough.

[Yamaha]

There are short men that have GF's.

There are short, average men that have GF's.

There are short, average, video game playing men that have GF's.

There are short, average, video game playing, anime interested men that have GF's.

 

Why don't you have a GF? ( it is a serious question )

[D-Lish]

There are short men that have GF's.

There are short, average men that have GF's.

There are short, average, video game playing men that have GF's.

There are short, average, video game playing, anime interested men that have GF's.

 

Why don't you have a GF? ( it is a serious question )

 

I think it's because SD wears his insecurity about being short on his sleeve... The truth be told, I've dated men shorter than I am- most of the men I have dated have been the same height or slightly shorter.

 

Height doesn't even factor into whether or not I want to date someone or not. Maybe for some women it does, but for many of us, it isn't an issue.

 

My exH was the same height as me- and as far fetched as this may sound, I didn't even recognize it until I was shopping for shoes to wear with my wedding dress and he asked me if I would mind wearing flats. That's when it occurred to me "oh yeah, we're the same height"...

 

I was so enamoured with him from the beginning that I didn't even notice he was 5'7". I've dated men as short as 5'6"

 

SD, I'm 5'7" and I wouldn't even notice your height. This is something you have to get over, you really do.

 

I know your response will be that "most" women do care- but it has been my experience that it's not a issue for many women.

[Els]

There are short men that have GF's.

There are short, average men that have GF's.

There are short, average, video game playing men that have GF's.

There are short, average, video game playing, anime interested men that have GF's.

 

Why don't you have a GF? ( it is a serious question )

 

To be fair, I don't know many of the bolded who have gfs.. and yes, I know many of them. I had many male groups of friends throughout college and university. A large percentage of them were the bolded and a large percentage was single. I also was friends with many nice, sweet, but homely and average-looking women who were also mostly single. It is true that there are many people out there who are shallow and/or focus on superficial qualities, as much as people try to make that out to be untrue. Yes, lacking those superficial qualities does not mean that you won't ever get a mate, but the constant denial of 'it doesn't matter, it's all in your head!' is really pointless. Instead, a realistic approach of helping people work with their weaknesses and strengths and find the niche of people who might be interested in them for who they are, might work better.

 

SD, if you are to try online dating you should avoid the sites specifically for online dating, as they tend to be notoriously shallow, perhaps even more than RL.

[somedude81]

Maybe she doesn't, maybe she has an inkling. In any case, it's not a positive thing that a person has no friends, I think we can all agree on that. Most of us, anyhow. The closer you get with a girl, the more she will know about you. So your future would-be girlfriend would eventually find out

No, she doesn't know. She actually thinks that some mutual acquaintances are my friends, and I have no reason to correct her.

 

And if a future girlfriend does find out, what are the odds that she's just dump me right then because of that?

 

there's just NO WAY that can't seep out into your body language.

And how would that show in my body language? That I'm happy and excited when I'm with girls because I want one so much. Yeah, that's such a negative thing, I need to hide that.

Do you know any guy that has zero friends at 30 years old, but is in a relationship?

Does anyone on this thread know of one?

I don't.

That by itself should be evidence enough.

I don't know any men my age. I also don't know if people have friends or not unless I see them with friends or they talk about themselves and bring up their friends.

There are short men that have GF's.

There are short, average men that have GF's.

There are short, average, video game playing men that have GF's.

There are short, average, video game playing, anime interested men that have GF's.

 

Why don't you have a GF? ( it is a serious question )

Honestly, I don't know if my height is the reason why I'm single. All I know is that women are attracted to height. Some are more open than most, but it's pretty much universally accepted.

 

Outside of height, it's because I don't know how to flirt. I simply don't have any method that I can use to attract women to me. That's why I don't have any issue making female friends when I bother to do it, but girls never like me the same way I like them. My guess is that women see me as gender neutral and not as a man. They'll be more than happy to be friends, but they'll never date me.

SD, if you are to try online dating you should avoid the sites specifically for online dating, as they tend to be notoriously shallow, perhaps even more than RL.

That's pretty much the impression I got. Online dating is essentially a man catalog where the shallowest women can pick and choose and get almost exactly what they want. Obviously I'm not a very hot pick and I'll get passed over.

 

The problem with meeting women online in other situations is that they could be anywhere in the world. There are actually a couple of girls on LS that I could be interested in, who are single and I've exchanged PM's on a friendly basis. But they are just far away so it would never work. If I'm going to be in a relationship with somebody, I'm going to need to be able to see her at least once a week. I can't do a LDR.

Edited October 13, 2011 by somedude81

[AHardDaysNight]

I think you're your own worst enemy, somedude.

 

I can tell from your posts that you have a lot going for you. You're athletic, you're educated, you're working on your career, you're a good person.

 

The only thing that I see stopping you is a low self esteem, which comes out in bitterness and occasional anger. But mostly I see you giving up way too easily, and also not giving up on women that are playing mind games with you.

 

Women are not evil creatures. They're human beings. The issue that you, and I, have is that we have trouble approaching them. We're "nice guys", we give up way too easily and count ourselves out.

 

And it's really a shame, because I can tell you could get a girlfriend, just from the way you write your posts. If you applied yourself, and took the advice of some posters' here, you'd get somewhere.

 

Seriously, man.

[Teknoe]

And it's really a shame, because I can tell you could get a girlfriend, just from the way you write your posts. If you applied yourself, and took the advice of some posters' here, you'd get somewhere.

 

Seriously, man.

 

Please, SD, listen to this guy.

 

I also see where HardDays is coming from -- it DOES seem like you give up easily... not in the sense that you pursue girls, but in the sense that when presented with something that could help you become a little more well-rounded, you're quick to find reasons to say no. Your life would radically change if you suddenly decided to just say "YES YES YES"

 

Someone mentioned you should watch the Jim Carey film YES MAN back on like page 12. That's not a bad idea.

 

 

 

And if a future girlfriend does find out, what are the odds that she's just dump me right then because of that?

 

 

What are the odds that your next crush becomes your girlfriend with the way you currently are? (i.e. no friends, hate yourself, believe you have no purpose in life -- these are your own words)

[HeavenOrHell]

I'd find it a bit odd if my partner had no friends, male or female, I would wonder why.

You do come across as obsessing about having a gf and not interested in making friends with men or women.

A girlfriend isn't the be all and end all in life.

I would feel my life badly lacking if I didn't have friends, whether I'm single or not, my friends have always been as important to me as my partner.

 

 

 

Seriously? Not having any interest in making male friends shows women that I'm obsessive about finding a girlfriend and that repels them?

 

If that's the best you can do, you might as well stop.

[silvermane187]

Wow, he is STILL going on about his height? *sigh*

[Teknoe]

Wow, he is STILL going on about his height? *sigh*

 

 

Well to SD's credit it looks like he's turning a small corner in the right direction regarding height

 

 

Honestly, I don't know if my height is the reason why I'm single. All I know is that women are attracted to height. Some are more open than most, but it's pretty much universally accepted.

 

Outside of height, it's because I don't know how to flirt.

 

 

At least now he doesn't know if height is a reason why he's single. Before, he was certain his being only 5'6" was a reason why, but now he's not sure, which means he's open to the idea of it not being a legitimate factor, or at least, as legitimate as he once thought before.

 

Of course, words are words. He can say it til he's blue in the face, but what does his heart and mind really say about it? That is where all the answers lie.

 

BTW, SD,

 

 

I don't know any men my age.

 

Time to make the effort to know men your age.

You don't know any guys 27 to 33 years old?

 

That's a problem in and of itself. Time to open up and make the effort!

 

Remember you gotta be a friend first, if you want to have a friend.

[Teknoe]

did your lady friend contact you yet, SD?

 

Also, how is NC (no contact) going? Are you finding it easy or hard NOT to text or email her?

[danmorisson]

Just be happy with what you've got. At least you are able to make female friends. I have learned to accept the fact that I will never have a girlfriend (have kids etc) and have learned to live with that. So people out there have it much worse than what you do. I think of those people in the third world etc and thank God I'm not in their situation.

[Els]

'Mutual acquaintances'?

 

I think the trouble here stems with what you call 'friends', perhaps. Didn't you mention talking to people from dance class, etc, and hanging out with them?

[danmorisson]

It is what is inside that counts, dude. MEN look at physical attractiveness as their #1 decision-maker in a mate. Women look at personality, caring, attention, good sense of humor, and safety, more often than not

That's not true. You're exaggerating a tad there. You cannot date what you don't find physically attractive. Both men and women date based on physical attractiveness and other attributes come into play later. But men are slightly more diverse though. People often say that they have dated ugly people before, but they don't mean ugly as in ugly, they mean ugly as in he aint no Brad pitt or Tom cruise. Edited October 17, 2011 by danmorisson

[danmorisson]

It doesn't matter how ugly you are, go on any dating site and pretend to be a gay male, men of all appearances will hit on you left, right and center. Men are obviously much more diverse but it's still based on physical attraction though. I said slightly but men are much more diverse

[danmorisson]

It doesn't matter how ugly you are as a woman 1 thing is guaranteed - millions of males out there will have some sort of 'ugly' fetish. I know this because I find some ugly women attractive, they have this certain ugly look that makes them utterly attractive. But still, still based on physical attraction though.

[somedude81]

I don't see how being able to make female friends is a good thing when I can't date anybody.

 

If I never had female friends, it would be easy to understand why I couldn't date girls. And I can start working on that.

 

But because I can make friends and get girls to spend time with me, I know that they do like me, just not in that way. And it's extremely frustrating. It almost feels like the whole thing is out of my hands.

 

So people out there have it much worse than what you do.

And so many people have it much better. But that's the way life is.

 

I still have a right to be upset that I can't get what I want. And wanting to have a relationship is a natural human desire, and I feel it is being kept from me. I wonder if I'm a bad person and this is my punishment? Maybe I did something terrible in a past life and the sentence is to live a life of misery and continually have my hopes taken away.

Edited October 17, 2011 by somedude81

[betterdeal]

I bought, and like this ebook on seduction:

 

http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com/

 

It's not a PUA guide; rather a very good description of what seduction and sensuousness are and how they are a facet of everyone, including you.

[Els]

Let me give you my sincere opinion:

 

If you want to be valued primarily for your personality and such, without first impressions coming into play, you should reconsider LDRs (again, not online dating). There are single women here who have been interested in you. You had turned them down because you didn't want an LDR. Fair enough. But it seems to me that you are turning away precisely your niche.

 

First impressions play a huge part IRL when there is no attachment yet. But by getting to know a person without the distraction of the first impression, you get to know their heart and mind before you see their height and face and mannerisms. To some people, that is not good. For you, I think it may be beneficial. LDRs do not remain LDRs forever. You were considering moving before, just to be in a place with a higher shot at women. If it matters that much to you, you could eventually move to be with a girl you really love. If you had been receptive to an LDR ten years ago, you might not have spent the past ten years in fruitless searching. You might have spent the first one or two years at a distance, yes, but the past 8 or 9 could have been in a LTR. You have spent the past 1.5 years in this relationship-that-is-not-a-relationship. Is that better than being in an LDR? Only you can tell, I guess. Yes, it may fail, but frankly I doubt your chances in one could be lower than your chances of you and this girl working out.

 

Personally, especially in your situation, I would never consider giving up a potential soulmate solely based on geographical location.

 

Something to think about.

Edited October 17, 2011 by Elswyth

[danmorisson]

It all depends. If you're able to make female friends (or plenty of female friends) IRL then you're datable. That's a good sign. But if you find this a titanic struggle - sorry but you've no chance. It's too devastating to be an ugly guy - women are harsh as it is on appearance -- I mean even the right ugly women have such high standards.

[fortyninethousand322]

Let me give you my sincere opinion:

 

If you want to be valued primarily for your personality and such, without first impressions coming into play, you should reconsider LDRs (again, not online dating). There are single women here who have been interested in you. You had turned them down because you didn't want an LDR. Fair enough. But it seems to me that you are turning away precisely your niche.

 

First impressions play a huge part IRL when there is no attachment yet. But by getting to know a person without the distraction of the first impression, you get to know their heart and mind before you see their height and face and mannerisms. To some people, that is not good. For you, I think it may be beneficial. LDRs do not remain LDRs forever. You were considering moving before, just to be in a place with a higher shot at women. If it matters that much to you, you could eventually move to be with a girl you really love. If you had been receptive to an LDR ten years ago, you might not have spent the past ten years in fruitless searching. You might have spent the first one or two years at a distance, yes, but the past 8 or 9 could have been in a LTR. You have spent the past 1.5 years in this relationship-that-is-not-a-relationship. Is that better than being in an LDR? Only you can tell, I guess. Yes, it may fail, but frankly I doubt your chances in one could be lower than your chances of you and this girl working out.

 

Personally, especially in your situation, I would never consider giving up a potential soulmate solely based on geographical location.

 

Something to think about.

 

I don't want to poo-poo this because I actually think it's a good idea. But I can kind of see where SD81 is coming from. I mean he's never been in a real long term relationship. Certainly being a LDR is better than nothing but there's a lot of stuff you learn from being in a relationship with someone you can see often especially the physical intimacy stuff (not just sex though) that you can't learn form a long distance thing.

 

Nevertheless, I still agree with you.

[Teknoe]

Another option that might do wonders for SD:

 

speed dating.

 

he'll go through quick rounds with many different girls in one evening.

 

even if no relationship comes out of it, I think it'd be good for him to meet however many girls he'd meet and interact with that night.

 

plus, he could ask those who aren't interested why not? Is it something about my body language perhaps? etc. They could tell him a whole lot.

 

Google speed dating in your area SD, and go for it. What could it hurt? The benefits could be HUGE. and who knows, maybe you'll find the right match for you there.

[somedude81]

Let me give you my sincere opinion:

 

If you want to be valued primarily for your personality and such, without first impressions coming into play, you should reconsider LDRs (again, not online dating). There are single women here who have been interested in you. You had turned them down because you didn't want an LDR. Fair enough. But it seems to me that you are turning away precisely your niche.

Really? Who are these women that have been interested in me?

 

First impressions play a huge part IRL when there is no attachment yet. But by getting to know a person without the distraction of the first impression, you get to know their heart and mind before you see their height and face and mannerisms. To some people, that is not good. For you, I think it may be beneficial.

That probably is the case. I'm not ugly or fat. I'm just short and not smooth so I guess that does result in almost every girl getting a bad impression on me.

 

Thanks God

 

 

LDRs do not remain LDRs forever. You were considering moving before, just to be in a place with a higher shot at women. If it matters that much to you, you could eventually move to be with a girl you really love. If you had been receptive to an LDR ten years ago, you might not have spent the past ten years in fruitless searching. You might have spent the first one or two years at a distance, yes, but the past 8 or 9 could have been in a LTR. You have spent the past 1.5 years in this relationship-that-is-not-a-relationship. Is that better than being in an LDR? Only you can tell, I guess. Yes, it may fail, but frankly I doubt your chances in one could be lower than your chances of you and this girl working out.

 

Personally, especially in your situation, I would never consider giving up a potential soulmate solely based on geographical location.

First off all, you are making the mistake of assuming that it's easy to even find somebody who is willing to be in a LDR with me. An LDR where you meet somebody online is not something that can be sought out. It only happens by chance.

 

Despite LS having a dating section, it's not for it's members to hook up.

 

Actually, there has been one woman on this forum who has hinted at dating me if I asked but only in private communication and I'm not going to to out her. She's even in the same part of the country that I'm in but I still think she's too far away.

I don't want to poo-poo this because I actually think it's a good idea. But I can kind of see where SD81 is coming from. I mean he's never been in a real long term relationship. Certainly being a LDR is better than nothing but there's a lot of stuff you learn from being in a relationship with someone you can see often especially the physical intimacy stuff (not just sex though) that you can't learn form a long distance thing.

IMO a LDR = nothing. You're pen palls. Maybe you'll talk on the phone but that's still nothing more than being friends.

 

Basically becaue of my life experiences with women, any girl I can't touch, is a friend. It doesn't matter if everyday she tells me that she loves me, if I can't actually touch her, it's worthless to me. I'm not even going to begin thinking about feelings either. I'm sick of having feelings for girls I can't touch.

It all depends. If you're able to make female friends (or plenty of female friends) IRL then you're datable. That's a good sign. But if you find this a titanic struggle - sorry but you've no chance. It's too devastating to be an ugly guy - women are harsh as it is on appearance -- I mean even the right ugly women have such high standards.

When I bother to try, making female friends isn't hard for me. There was a time when I had about three close female friends that I hung out with and they all ended up turning me down.

 

So I'm friendable, not dateable.

Another option that might do wonders for SD:

 

speed dating.

Been there, done that.

 

Zero matches and a total waste of my time. It was actually pretty boring because each girls asks the exact same questions. I tried to spice things up and make each interaction different.

 

But in the end, zero matches.

[Els]

Huh, I saw one mention it in her own thread about not being able to get guys some time ago. But I could have been wrong.

 

Look at it this way: Most of us who are in relationships have gotten them through ONE of the ways in which we are suggesting them to you. If you don't want to try any of them, well... *shrugs*. I really don't think God is the person to blame.

 

Yeah, you could blame Him for making you 'short' and 'average-looking' and 'not smooth', but have you any idea how many other men and women don't give out excellent first impressions, but have partners? I'm one of them. Where do you think the difference lies? Luck? Or willingness to give other things a shot, perhaps? Willingness to find their niche? You want a geeky gamer girl who enjoys doing geeky things with your geeky gamer self. Where do you think those girls hang out?

 

It's not LDRs in particular that I'm talking about, but simply the fact that you are ticking off option after option that has been suggested to you. If you do that, I'm not sure how you expect to 'get lucky'. Sure, there is a huge element of luck, but you also need to be receptive to it when it comes. If you cannot fathom the thought of 'falling in love' with a person without physical intimacy, then you should certainly not try LDRs, but then you would definitely need to work on brushing up your first impression instead of waving it away.

[Teknoe]

Been there, done that.

 

Zero matches and a total waste of my time. It was actually pretty boring because each girls asks the exact same questions. I tried to spice things up and make each interaction different.

 

But in the end, zero matches.

 

 

Going by this logic, you've also had zero matches through the classroom/school arena. Does this mean you oughta quit trying in that venue? No.

 

Same with speed dating. So you tried it once, and it didn't work. Do you think if you did twice, the SAME girls would show up? Probably not, especially if your last time going was a while back (which I'm willing to bet it is)

 

Why not try it ONE MORE TIME?

 

Think of it this way... what if the right girl for you decided to check out speed dating in November?

 

Sure it didn't work out for you before, but that doesn't mean you should not try again.

 

You've tried with classmates, it doesn't work, but you try in future classes. So why not try in speed dating again? It makes perfect sense to me that you are longing for an intimate relationship, but it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me that you're saying no to speed dating just because it didn't work before.

 

It's kind of like wanting to be a millionaire, but you're currently unemployed and you're rejecting an interview from a potential employer. If you really want it, you'd be accepting ALL kinds of interviews, and you would even be thinking OUTSIDE the box.

 

You can't become a millionaire by not putting forth any effort that would lend itself into making you into a millionaire.

 

Likewise, you can't become a girl's boyfriend if you don't put yourself out there. By saying no to so many things, you're cutting down your own percentage. Try speed dating again.