Outsider wishes to know

[hART]

As an outsider to this whole sort of thing, there are some things I'd like to understand. javascript:emoticon('')

 

What was your motivation?

Why are you seeking another person's significant other?

What does it do for you?

Do you think about the significant other?

Where you abused as a child or in relationships (emotionally, physically, sexually...)?

What does the other person's significant other have over single people?

How does it make you feel (guilty, happy, jealous...used)?

and

Do you feel like you helped (or are helping) anything?

Do you have proof?

 

Thanks in advance for answering!

[average guy]

Hi hART,

 

here are my answers:

 

1. Sex

2. I'm not

3. Nothing

4. No

5. Yes

6. A significant other

7. I don't know

8. Yes

9. No

 

Just kidding I think we need to know more background or something to go on a little bit more. Can you elaborate?

 

Cheers,

 

A.G.

[capitald]

Hart, an insider, well ok, I am not always considered an insider, well hypothetically speaking if I was an insider, wants to know, are you seeking some kind of advice with all these questions and if so, just come out with it man, don't be shy!!!!

[hART]

My boyfriend did a few thing to make me jealous with another woman. It hasn't gotten to sex, but it is making me reevaluate our relationship.

I recently got angry at a few of the people here (beach girl was one).

and I wanted to understand why people encourage people to cheat.

what I meant by proof is, proof that you helped someone some way.

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by hART

My boyfriend did a few thing to make me jealous with another woman. It hasn't gotten to sex, but it is making me reevaluate our relationship.

I recently got angry at a few of the people here (beach girl was one).

and I wanted to understand why people encourage people to cheat.

what I meant by proof is, proof that you helped someone some way.

 

Hi, I think I helped the MM, because he hates his wife and doesnt get along with her. He is there for his kids, and he does nothing with her as a couple. He works a abouot 18 hours per day and had no one to talk to. No one had touched him or kissed him or anythinged him in about 4 months when I met him. I wasn't looking for this, but we get along great; however, I see this is going no where and have to move on. I think if it could have worked out for us, it would be great. He knows he made a mistake with her and has 14 more years to go! I do not encourage the cheating, and I have told him to be open about it. I guess she is not so "cool" and will keep him from his kids. They are the only good thing he has in his life, so I understand, but it's not for me.

 

I hope thsis helps.

[Azeele]

Originally posted by hART

As an outsider to this whole sort of thing, there are some things I'd like to understand. javascript:emoticon('')

 

What was your motivation?

Why are you seeking another person's significant other?

What does it do for you?

Do you think about the significant other?

Where you abused as a child or in relationships (emotionally, physically, sexually...)?

What does the other person's significant other have over single people?

How does it make you feel (guilty, happy, jealous...used)?

and

Do you feel like you helped (or are helping) anything?

Do you have proof?

 

Thanks in advance for answering!

 

 

 

 

It's over for me but here are your

Answers:

1. He told me he was getting a divorce and I stupidly believed the lying sack of sh*t.

2. He sought me out and told me he was getting a divorce.

3. I thought about her a lot.

4. No, I was not abused as a child or in previous relationships.

5. My former MM was charming, loving, smart, and soooo in love with me - but - it was all an act. All he wanted was to have his cake and eat it too - all the while he was lying to me and lying to his wife too.

6. I felt very used by him - still do. I thought I was dating a separated man.

7. In my case, the W found out and confronted me. Once I talked to her the truth all came out and both she and I realized how he'd been lying to us both for nearly a year. I may have helped her see her H for what he really was, although I should have run the first time I met him.

 

I would have never, ever had a relationship with a man who was married. If he - even once - had expressed doubts about leaving or said he was thinking he might not get a divorce I would have left him and never looked back but he swore to me nearly every day that he was getting a divorce. I am much wiser now.

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by justcallmesnug

Hi, I think I helped the MM, because he hates his wife and doesnt get along with her. He is there for his kids, and he does nothing with her as a couple. He works a abouot 18 hours per day and had no one to talk to. No one had touched him or kissed him or anythinged him in about 4 months when I met him. I wasn't looking for this, but we get along great; however, I see this is going no where and have to move on. I think if it could have worked out for us, it would be great. He knows he made a mistake with her and has 14 more years to go! I do not encourage the cheating, and I have told him to be open about it. I guess she is not so "cool" and will keep him from his kids. They are the only good thing he has in his life, so I understand, but it's not for me.

 

I hope thsis helps.

 

AZ, when she confronted you, did you find out things he had lied about?

[Good2Go]

Originally posted by Azeele

I would have never, ever had a relationship with a man who was married. If he - even once - had expressed doubts

 

The end result stands. He is stuck in his unhappy marriage he refuses to get out of. You have a whole life of possible happiness in front of you.

 

Count your lucky stars and move on out! You are more woman than he will ever be a man. Make it work for you. Final revenge.

[Azeele]

Just,

 

OMG, yes, he lied and lied and lied. We uncovered a TON of lies and half-truths he had told both of us. He told her that he would NEVER cheat on her because he would "never hurt her and his kids like that"

and he told me that she was psycho - even their kids thought so - and that he was getting out ASAP of a marriage that had been over a long time ago.

 

He told me they never had sex - they were having sex at least two/three times a week.

 

At first he told her I was "just a friend" and then I was stalking him and then he told her that he loved me and didn't love her - but then retracted it later (to her), telling me that he didn't love her and I was the "love of his life".

 

And that's just a few of the lies. It went so deep we spent hours and hours and hours comparing notes. Sure, she could have been lying to me, I know that - but after talking to her for so long and filling in the blanks, her story made more sense and her side of the story added up - made everything clear. And, of course, he did NOT like us talking to each other. That has to be every cheating husband's worst nightmare - the W talking to the OW and ACTUALLY GETTING ALONG?? oh, the horror!!

 

I think he smugly believed that he was a talented enough liar to deceive us both - two women he claimed to love - but in the end he was horribly wrong.

 

She told me that in 20+ years of marriage she had never seen the expression that crossed his face when he realized that all his lies had exploded - in his face - and he couldn't cover them up anymore. She said if it wasn't so awful it would have been funny. But, unbelievably, he still tried to cover them up. Probably still is. I don't know and I don't care anymore. I think it's safe to say that he is nuts - that his cheese has completely slid off his cracker.

 

Good,

 

Yessir, you are right. I am relieved to be away from him and his craziness. And, I'm glad I didn't waste anymore of my precious time with him than I did. In the end, I'm the fortunate one because I'm free from him and I'm single. His wife and his kids are the ones I feel sorry for, especially his wife. Now that she knows that he's lied to her and cheated on her and has the potential to do it again - I have NO doubt he will - she has to decide if she can live with that - and him - or move on if she can. (Not to mention the overwhelming possibility he has done this to her numerous times before.) She did tell me, however, that she was glad the truth came out. I think she'd rather experience the pain and know the truth than live on in ignorant bliss - as would I.

 

She is totally dependent on him so I don't imagine she will be able to get away from him anytime soon. As she put it to me, she's d*mned if she stays, d*mned if she goes. Well, and I pity him, in a way too, because he's like the Grinch - his heart is three sizes too small - and I seriously doubt that he has an ounce of compassion or empathy in him. He has to live the rest of his life being a mean, nasty, two-faced b*****d. As my son would say: "sucks to be him".

[hART]

I had no idea that OW were put through that kind of heartbreak.

My assumptions about OW have been officially disproved.

Thank you all for sharing.

I'm glad most of you have gotten to a better place.

[VivianLee]

What was your motivation? Was lonely, bored and was seeking friendships with both genders

 

Why are you seeking another person's significant other? NO!!

 

What does it do for you? (in my case, it was DID) at first it was just plain scary but exciting...then that whole feeling everyone gets when in a new relationship begins, oddly enough that aspect didn't change even after a year into the relationship, the excitement and happiness was still there until the relationship ended, there were rarely disagreements, we never hurt each other, we were always uplifting to each other and had a lot of fun. We didn't tear down spouses but discussed our lives with our families very openingly...because of the distance between us, it was more of an emotional affair and so we were good friends....(now that all sounds sweet and pretty but it was still wrong and had very NEGATIVE effects on innocent people!!)

 

Do you think about the significant other? It stayed on my mind for a long time and I'd have bouts but then I became numb to it, that scared me and wasn't who I'd always been....I became self-centered and selfish

 

Where you abused as a child or in relationships (emotionally, physically, sexually...)? Yes

 

What does the other person's significant other have over single people? I don't think my situation qualifies in this case, both of us were married...

 

How does it make you feel (guilty, happy, jealous...used)? I felt every emotion that has ever been named but guilty always had a lead over the others!!

 

Do you feel like you helped (or are helping) anything? No

 

Do you have proof? Yes, people were hurt and lives ruined

[istilllovehim]

Originally posted by hART

As an outsider to this whole sort of thing, there are some things I'd like to understand. javascript:emoticon('')

 

What was your motivation?

Why are you seeking another person's significant other?

What does it do for you?

Do you think about the significant other?

Where you abused as a child or in relationships (emotionally, physically, sexually...)?

What does the other person's significant other have over single people?

How does it make you feel (guilty, happy, jealous...used)?

and

Do you feel like you helped (or are helping) anything?

Do you have proof?

 

Thanks in advance for answering!

 

 

1. What was your motivation? I really don't know. I guess that I longed for the love that he gave me when I was a teenager. I promised myself that I wouldn't even say hi to him unless they separated someday. We have always cared for each other, even through the 8 years we were apart, we both thought of each other and confided in our family members that we missed each other. I did see him at a gas station 2 years ago when I came home to visit my family. He tried to talk to me but I just ignored him.

 

2. Why are you seeking out another persons significant other? I truly did not want this to happen. It all started because his cousin would come to my house and tell me of how my MM was driving by all the time and asking questions about me. I told cousin to tell him to stay away from me, that he was married with children. But the first time he stopped by unannounced, I was so happy to have him there. I told him that I would talk to him as friends but we were not to touch!! I said if we ever touch, it is only after she knows that you want to be with me. And thats how it happened. We didn't touch until she knew.

 

3. What does it do for you? Breaks my heart to hurt him, hurt me, hurt her and hurt the kids.

 

4. Do you think about the significant other? Yes I do, I feel sorry for her sometimes and other times I believe that she caused this mess by sleeping with her brother in law. I really don't know how to feel about her.

 

5. Where you abused as a child or in relationships (emotionally, physically, sexually...)? Yes, No, Yes.

 

6. What does the other person's significant other have over single people? I don't know. This man has always been my weakness.

 

7. How does it make you feel (guilty, happy, jealous...used)? All of the above. Confused mostly.

 

8. Do you feel like you helped (or are helping) anything? No, not at all.

[reachingskywards]

Before I answer the questions -- I think it’s a big assumption that woman lead the men to have an affair… Big assumption. I can’t even begin to imagine a woman going out and thinking… gee – what I really want to do is break up a marriage or fall in love with a guy who is with someone else.

 

It also takes away from the guys involvement. As you’ve read in these posts – most of the time the guy is either chasing the OW – or stringing her along with promises of one sort or another.

 

What was your motivation?

I had just broken up from a long term and loveless relationship. I didn’t want to get involved with anyone but found myself very attracted to him. He hit on me big time. At first I didn’t realise that he was married.. then when he told me we agreed to be friends… but he kept making advances that I found hard to say no too. I guess I needed the affection and attention and to be appreciated. I was in a very vulnerable state…

 

Why are you seeking another person's significant other?

I wasn’t seeking anyone’s significant other. He knew this and he used this as a way to get close to me. He kept saying that he would never have an affair with anyone.... that we were just friends etc. By doing this he was able to get close to me because I felt ‘safe’ that nothing was ever going to happen between us. After it did, he admitted that he had wanted to have an affair for some time (which made me feel deceived).

I should say that I have broken up from him and he's just chased me hard to keep me in the relationship.

 

What does it do for you?

I felt totally worthless after breaking up with my ex. I nearly walked into a few cars. He made me feel loved and appreciated. I really needed that.

 

Do you think about the significant other?

I don’t just think about her… and this may sound strange.. but I actually care about her.

 

My MM is also a bit of a loose cannon and I’ve had to curb him from doing silly things... I guess sort of protect her a bit from what could be very hurtful.

 

Where you abused as a child or in relationships (emotionally, physically, sexually...)?

Yes. Emotionally.

 

What does the other person's significant other have over single people?

I don’t know her – I don’t know if she has anything over single people. She is very dependent on him and criticises him endlessly.

 

How does it make you feel (guilty, happy, jealous...used)?

Whatever emotion I feel is larger than life. More significantly – I’ve lost a ton of sleep. I’ve felt totally elated… to total torment. Sometimes I feel out of touch with reality… I’m not sure if he’s spinning me lines to keep me with him or ???

 

I’m not a very jealous person but it is very difficult to see the person you love and who professes to love you walk out to go be with another woman. The whole thing is hard… it’s hard spending NYE on your own or your birthday… because he can’t be there. The worst was when I had to terminate a pregnancy. He came with me but dumped me home and rushed home straight away. I then spent the weekend (when the hormones bring you way down) completely depressed and isolated because I hadn't told any friends about what was going on.

 

I feel second best…. I don’t really feel used, but I am scared… and might end up feeling used and very hurt if I’m not careful.

 

Do you feel like you helped (or are helping) anything?

He told me once that sometimes he thinks the whole thing has improved his marriage. I can’t tell if it’s true or not.

 

I know that the love and appreciation has made a big difference to both of our lives. I guess just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to feel these things. He had been living in a separate room for a long time.. and was feeling very undervalued. I think I’ve helped his self esteem and I know he’s helped mine.